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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Holiday without partner

20 replies

katedoc · 15/08/2015 23:05

I am planning to take my DD on holiday for a month at the end of the year, my partner has agreed/disagreed/agreed and is now disagreeing again as to whether this is ok. I will be visiting relatives who are very important to me, partner is invited but doesn't want to go. We are at the point of splitting up over this, I have been told that when I return we may or may not still be together 'it depends if he meets someone or how he feels when alone'. AIBU taking DC on holiday?
Not wanting to drip feed, we are together because of DC, Christmases are not a sentimental time of year and last Christmas was nothing short of awful because I was 'too long at mass'. I do all the organising, buying, wrapping, cooking - everything at Christmas which is why I am glad to opt out!!!

OP posts:

SnapesCapes · 15/08/2015 23:08

YANBU taking them away on holiday but you might BU if you stay with someone who behaves like that "may or may not still be together" depending on if he meets someone? What a disgusting way to treat the mother of your child.

Does it bother you that you might split up if you go? Would you rather the holiday or him?

LindyHemming · 15/08/2015 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 · 15/08/2015 23:09

Dump your partner, go on the holiday and enjoy

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/08/2015 23:11

I take the kids away , on my own, I do not invite DH, he has his golf and own parents to visit . Your husbands an arse.

midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 23:12

The holiday is not the problem. Your partner is the problem.

YANBU to take your kids on holiday, assuming it's not having a negative impact on your partner.

I question whether it's healthy for you to be together for the dc - it sounds like a very unhappy and unhealthy relationship.

Kafri · 15/08/2015 23:16

If you add an extra week onto your trip will that guarantee your partner won't be there when you get back? If so go for it - doesn't sound like the partner you need to be honest!!!

MissDuke · 15/08/2015 23:17

Tough call. I would be devastated if my husband insisted on taking the dc to visit his family for a month over Christmas. It absolutely would make me reconsider our whole relationship because it would tell me he doesn't care about my feelings. I also cannot think of anything worse than staying with his family for a month, so that would not be an option either. I really think it very much depends on what your relationship is like in general.

Mari50 · 15/08/2015 23:18

Have nc as was bit naive with original name!!
Yes I agree, I know (god this is so depressing to admit) that my relationship is pretty crap.
Our main argument at the moment is that I am being entirely unreasonable by taking my DC on holiday, I have spoken to several people who think I am justified but he claims I am selfish. I have asked him to come- he doesn't want to. I just want to know if my crappy relationship is skewing my take on reality.

Mari50 · 15/08/2015 23:26

My DC and I have been on several holidays alone, partner doesn't like holidays although I have of late persuaded him to come, these go as expected- DC and I spending lots of time together while he sleeps etc. he does have a v demanding job so fair enough but this also means no quality time at home either.
My main point is being that DC and I go on many weekends away together alone (partner too busy or not wanting to join us- ologies if it seems I'm drip feeding) and other holidays, am I being the unreasonable person he says I am by taking DC abroad.
As I say we have a very dysfunctional relationship which is maintained purely for the sake of DC, we get on well enough (most of the time, lately) but . . .
I'm wondering why I am posting,as I read this I realise how ridiculous my situation is!! .

midgeymum2 · 15/08/2015 23:29

Is there a reason why he can't come, like work for example, or finances? Or does he just not feel like it?

Do you want him to go with you?!

Are you looking for a break which by default means that you will miss such a difficult time of year? Are you being honest with yourself about the main reason for this break? Is he your dc father?

JustWantToBeDorisAgain · 15/08/2015 23:31

Sweat are his reasons for not going? And presumablably if it's a month it's long haul?

Mari50 · 15/08/2015 23:40

He doesn't want to come.
He is DC father.
While I get a bit resentful about having to do everything at Christmas I haven't booked this to avoid it, simply because it is long haul and weather rubbish if travelling in our summer holidays and I need to try to fit it in with school hols to an extent. So Christmas is only option.

Funinthesun15 · 15/08/2015 23:44

A month won't fit into school holidays though will it?

I do think it is a little unfair taking them away at Christmas.

Mari50 · 15/08/2015 23:53

No it doesn't, DC is in early primary, I carefully observed what educational input she had at similar time last year (nowt bar nativity rehearsals, Christmas show rehearsals and related nonsense.)
My partner has no concerns about what she will miss school wise, his point is purely that he will miss Christmas with us.

Morganly · 15/08/2015 23:54

Well, lots of issues here.

Are you planning to take the children to relatives over Christmas for a month? Did you discuss this with him at all or did you just decide you were doing it? Does it have to be over Christmas? Does it have to be for a whole month? Unless there are very extenuating circumstances, I would be extremely hurt if my H decided to leave me alone for such a long time and over Christmas too and also would not be willing to go and visit his relatives for such a long time. Is a compromise possible here? He comes with you for part of the time, you don't go over Christmas, you don't go for as long?

Second issue, big problem last Christmas? What was that about? Sounds like you feel you did all the work and then he picked a fight about you going to mass. Is this something that is resolvable without you going away with your DD for a month or was/is his behaviour so bad you can't see a way of finding a compromise?

Thirdly, whether your marriage survives depends on whether he meets someone else while you are away. If you genuinely think he means this rather than just lashing out in anger/hurt, your marriage is already over in all but name.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 15/08/2015 23:56

Will he miss you at Christmas, or will he have to explain to his family why he's not with you?

Mari50 · 15/08/2015 23:58

Midgeymum -do I want him to come? Tbh no, I know that DC and I will have a fab time without him, if he comes it will be much harder work. However, if he told me he wanted to come that would be fine.

Mari50 · 16/08/2015 00:10

We aren't married.
holiday duration is due to distance, he could come for shorter period- would have to due to work but not keen as too far for such a short period.
Basically my relatives are getting on and this is probably the last chance I'll have to see them in their prime and let my DC meet them, they are like second parents to me so this is very important.
I discussed it with OH before Christmas last year and he okayed it, then a few months later changed his mind and since the it's been back and forward depending how he feels (so it seems). Whenever DC and I have gone on holiday in the past without him he has been purposefully negative and pessimistic (something awful will happen-car crash/food poisoning etc) to put me off going.

I know we have an unhealthy relationship which can be controlling from his side and I wondered if he was being controlling or I was BU?

Funinthesun15 · 16/08/2015 00:37

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable tbh.

Yes he is being extremely awkward about it to put it mildly but you have also said it wouldn't be worth him going for a short period of time.

It is also a bit unfair for you to take them overy Christmas. Your DP will miss the whole of the festive season with them. Maybe this is why he is being awkward.

23jumpstreet · 16/08/2015 01:10

No your not take your daughter on holiday

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