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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH purposely spiting me!

88 replies

perrita · 15/08/2015 21:20

Just had a massive argument with DH over something so little and stupid and pointless and I need some perspective, fully expecting to be told I'm BU, that's fine but here we go.

Last Saturday bought a pack of two Weight Watchers desserts. I had one on Sunday and left the other one for him however last night he was having biscuits with a cup of tea and I asked if he minded if I ate the other dessert. He said no.

Tonight he said "oh I might have my WW dessert" I said he couldn't as I ate it last night. Cue him kicking off. I apologised but said I asked if I could have it (as usually with stuff that comes in twos or what have you we understand we have one each) but he said I didn't make it clear that it was his one I was asking to have. I went away into the living room and he followed after a bit with some ice cream and I thought nothing of it.

After he'd eaten it he announced to me that he had just had on top of his ice cream this little pack from a Graze box that I'd saved to share with him because it had a Biscoff dip and we both love that stuff.

I told him that it was a really spiteful and nasty thing for him to do, I could have eaten that pack myself but didn't if saved it for us both to try, I asked his permission to eat the WW thing but more than anything I am upset about him being stood in the kitchen scheming on how to "get revenge" on me. I would never do something just to spite anyone, not even to someone I didn't like let alone my husband!

Writing this I'm kind of laughing a bit as I realise how ridiculous it sounds but it has actually really upset me. He has tried to make it up to me by denying he did it on purpose and not apologising.

What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
Whothefuckami · 16/08/2015 01:25

No kids?? You both sound very silly. Look at the bigger picture, is it really worth arguing over.

Tigger365 · 16/08/2015 01:33

OP, if it makes you feel any better the dessert graze boxes with the dips, mostly suck!
I think he was being spiteful in purpose. If he wasn't he wouldn't have declared it after he had finished.

EmeraldKitten · 16/08/2015 01:43

It was very spiteful of him and yanbu. I'd be upset too, although it seems like a little thing.

SilverBirchWithout · 16/08/2015 01:58

If he is usually kind, caring and generous I personally would try and let this incident go.

It sounds like there is something causing him to behave out of character, until he is ready to talk about it, pushing him may actually be counterproductive. Is there problems at work, financial worries or anything like that that could be causing this? It could be something external to your relationship which is making him behave like a bit of an arse.

differentnameforthis · 16/08/2015 03:47

but because he did it to deliberately upset her But there is no evidence that he did. It is just how the op has interpreted it, doesn't make it so! We don't know that the op's dh did it on purpose or even to upset her! Op doesn't say that he knew op was saving it for them both, she didn't say that he admitted doing it out of spite. I'm sorry, but this auto-reaction that the man is always usually wrong is really starting to ruin MN! Just because he said he had eaten it, doesn't mean he did it with spite!

And now he is out of order to eat ice cream in front of her? Because she is on a diet? I did slimming world years ago & was happy to cook dh a different meal to mine & would never have expected him to not eat something that I was denying myself. You can't run the man down for eating something the op can't/won't eat!

I think it's a bit mean of him to insist on having a pudding which is the only pudding you can have whilst you're dieting, when he could have anything, as he's not. He didn't insist on it, op says they always split the pack!

Dh drank the last can of coke the other day, he rarely drinks it, but he fancied one & drank it. I didn't see that as his way of spiting me, or him being vindictive or selfish. Yes, he could have asked if anyone wanted it, but I probably wouldn't have asked, so why should he?

Not every action is done while wanting to spite a partner. It could have easily been "oh what's that, that looks nice, I'll eat that, perrita hasn't mentioned that she is keeping it for anything special" except on mn when it was definitely "I'm going to eat this to spite my wife/girlfriend/partner/sister/aunt. Except when it's the woman eating it & then it's "of course you are entitled to eat the last of your dh's/boyfriend's/partner's/brother's meal/cake/sweets/chocolate/popcorn because he left the room for a nanosecond!

The op says he wanted to "get revenge, wanted to spite her"...yet he is normally "really kind, caring and generous" so I am inclined to think that op is being a tad over-dramatic with her feelings, tbh. I think there are underlying issues which are causing the op to find fault in everything (perhaps her dh is too), it certainly doesn't mean that what he did was purposefully spiteful!

Reading your latest posts, op...I think that you are probably using the food issue to find fault that isn't there...you have said that not everything is going well atm, so is it not just possible that you are using this as just "one more thing" that you have taken to mean that things are not ok? You aren't looking forward to spending time with him, he irritates you, he is spiting you, wants 'revenge' (a very strong word to use when he merely ate some food) ... sorry but it sounds like you have just decided that everything he does, that you don't like, is being done out of spite & the desire to 'get one over' on you.

And op, no need to get snippy with Yarp, she has a point. The problem is, is that WW doesn't teach you how to eat a good balanced diet, which is what you need...not a fad that you pay over the odds for in the hope that you will lose weight, but as soon as you come off it, you gain it all back. Not to mention that lots of low fat stuff has excess sugar in it, so it really doesn't do anything, anyway!

maxxytoe · 16/08/2015 04:30

Obviously it sounds really petty to an outsider OP because it IS
But I have been in this situation where my ex would purposely do things he know would upset me but they'd be small things so if I kicked off he could say I'm being daft .
Needless to say he's an ex now and turned into a completely abusive bastard

Not saying uour husband is , but his behaviour is not ok !
Yanbu

kiggenpaws · 16/08/2015 05:20

Whilst I can sort of see where you're coming from OP, I think it's a bit of a shame that either of you has to ask the other for permission to eat anything. Unless it's been a special gift for one of you surely the rest of its just food and should be fair game if either of you fancy it? Maybe he didn't realise that you were saving the Graze stuff to share?

pictish · 16/08/2015 08:13

There are some comments here about OP and her dh both being immature/petty/silly.

Can someone explain what the OP did wrong? I'm not seeing it.

pilates · 16/08/2015 08:35

Having to ask permission to eat food is just a bit weird but I suppose if the Op's DH is acting like an arse at the moment something trivial would make you feel like that.

pictish · 16/08/2015 08:51

Who asked for permission to eat food? I'm confused.

AuntyMag10 · 16/08/2015 09:12

It's actually embarrassing reading your post. Fighting over food. So childish and cringy.

Caprinihahahaha · 16/08/2015 09:17

I think when you are dieting it is possible to get really touchy about food. If you are feeling deprived then someone nicking a treat you had been looking forward to seems worse than it is.

It is pretty minor in the scheme of things but he's not really helping you with your efforts to lose weight. I think he behaved like a bit of a tool but I suspect you are over reacting.

exLtEveDallas · 16/08/2015 09:32

I completely understand OP. I have a DH like this. At first I'd just think 'that's strange' but as he did it more and more I realised what he was doing and it all built up into a steaming mass of rage.

I deal with it now by being disinterested. Or by being sarcastic. I've even taken to writing stuff down "Eve did X, so DH will now do Y" and handing it to him when I'm right.

He hardly ever does it now, but tbh it has changed my attitude to him and I'm not sure that's a good thing.

LittleBearPad · 16/08/2015 10:00

How is the DH not helping with OP's efforts to lose weight? If she can't have ice cream he can't either Confused. It like pregnant posters who insist their DH's give up alcohol as they can't have any!

Caprinihahahaha · 16/08/2015 10:12

I think if the op is using weight watchers and he wants to eat her weight watchers puddings then that isn't especially helpful.

Fwiw I don't give a shit if my DH drinks when I can't or don't so I'm not sure it's the same.
Although I also don't know why anyone would eat weight watchers pudding so maybe I'm out of my league

Certainly I'm not nearly angry enough to keep up with the low levels of pissed off-edness on here.
The op thought her partner is being dickish. I think he probably was [shrug]

bobsbusy · 16/08/2015 10:18

Goodness I misread the title, I thought it said" spitting "
Tut what a non event. You are both being ridiculous, there is enough food for your nth surely.

Shelby2010 · 16/08/2015 10:23

Is his crap behaviour related to your dieting? It often seems that partners/work colleagues subconsciously try to sabotage other people's diets. Is he overweight & feels he 'should' be dieting too? Or doesn't like the way it's changed the meals you cook? Or is worried that he won't measure up to the new svelte wife you will become?

It's also likely that you will be hypersensitive around food issues, but he does sound mean.

iamaboveandBeyond · 16/08/2015 10:42

Why tf does he want a minging (and probably costing way more than it is worth) ww dessert when you are the only one on a ww diet? Weirdo.

hackmum · 16/08/2015 11:51

Although it seems trivial, I think the OP is right - if her DH did this deliberately, it's a bit worrying.

Years ago, the man who would one day have the honour of becoming my ex-husband did something very similar. It was early on in our relationship: we'd gone to an arts centre cafe to have a bite to eat before a performance. He thought I was getting jacket potatoes for both of us; I thought I was just getting one for me. When I came back to the table and he asked where his was, I said, "Oh, I thought you were getting your own."

Later, he got up to get drinks. I told him what I wanted. When he came back to the table, I said, "Where's mine?" and he said, "I thought you were getting your own."

It was pure childish spite. Why I didn't finish with him there and then I don't know. I stupidly stayed with him another five years.

Kickedinthetits · 16/08/2015 11:54

Was he definitely doing it to get revenge? If so, it sounds really weird and nasty.
Why are people talking about it being weird to 'ask permission' to eat food? Asking politely if anyone would mind if you have the last one of something is pretty normal. Particularly in a relationship. It's about respecting that things are shared, not asking bloody permission.

elbowsdontsing2 · 16/08/2015 12:29

from your thread title i thought he d spat on you, so glad i was wrong

differentnameforthis · 16/08/2015 12:30

I think if the op is using weight watchers and he wants to eat her weight watchers puddings then that isn't especially helpful. She says they have one each, and she seems happy with that arrangement.

Caprinihahahaha · 16/08/2015 12:56

[sigh]
And yet having a limited range of food, and having checked with him that she wanted to eat this food - one of her restricted number of choices - his wanting to eat it and being pissy about her eating it, still seems to me to be not especially helpful.

Not helpful. Not 'against the rules or terrible or contrary to what they have previously agreed'. Just not helpful.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 16/08/2015 14:16

If he wasn't doing it to spite her then why did he feel the need to 'announce' the fact that he'd used the dip from the Graze box after she didn't seem to notice he'd done it?

yearofthegoat · 16/08/2015 14:24

He sounds spiteful. It wasn't a kind thing to do at all. I would be similarly disappointed if my DH did something like this, but I know he wouldn't.

Now he won't discuss the issue with you, which is equally disappointing. I don't know where you go from here, but you do need to impress on him that his behaviour isn't acceptable. Respect and kindness are what is needed, at all times, to keep a marriage going through these sorts of ups and downs.