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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want DD (13) to do this?

130 replies

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:29

We live in a small village where DD has grown up and knows most of the kids. They hang out together at the park, sports fields or each others' houses. However this year a lot of them are allowed to walk to the next village and DD is really put out because I won't let her.

Trouble is the way they go is a fairly quiet path well away from the main road - the road option wouldn't be great either as it's pretty busy and winding. It's not a particularly short walk and it just doesn't seem safe to me - they're a fair way from anywhere and can't be seen from the road. I'd maybe consider it if we were at home to be phoned in an emergency but they always want to go in the week when we're at work.

I was unsure enough about leaving DD at home this summer (not every day but a few each week) but it seems that most of her friends are home alone, can go where they want and don't even have to let their parents know - one of DD's friends was amazed that she has to text me regularly and let me know where she is and who she's with.

Am I being over protective or sensible in a) not wanting her to go to the other village and b) keeping some sort of contact with her when we're not around? I know she's growing up and I don't want to spoil her fun but I don't see why all rules have to go out of the window either!

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 15/08/2015 09:34

Well, unless your next post is that you live in the wilds of Canada and the path is through a wood full of bears then yes, I'm sorry you are being very unreasonable.

What are you afraid of?

BeeBawBabbity · 15/08/2015 09:35

From what you've said I'd let her go, with friends. I presume it's daytime? I allow mine (12) to walk for several miles along a muddy river path to a park. It's fine to have regular contact though so you know she's ok.

BillThePony · 15/08/2015 09:36

If she is with a group of friends then I really wouldn't mind.

Velociraptor · 15/08/2015 09:37

I think you are right to keep in contact, and have an idea of where she is and what she is up to. I can't see the problem with her walking to the next village though. Surely the fact that there is a path away from the road is a good thing? What is it you are worried might happen? I think if she was walking it alone it may be different, but it sounds like there are more likely to be a group of them, so if there was ever a problem plenty of others to get help?

ollieplimsoles · 15/08/2015 09:38

Yabu, she's with a group of friends, make sure she can contact you and I would make sure she doesn't walk back alone. Apart from that I would let her go!

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 09:38

YABU, she has to learn how to manage her own life. I understand how hard it is initially to give DCs more independence, we've all been there but you have to give her the life skills she'll need as an adult. Might as well start now.

littlejohnnydory · 15/08/2015 09:38

I think you're being a bit unreasonable for a 13 year old TBH What is it you think might happen if she walks to the next village with her friends?

How often does she have to text you? I would text her a couple of times during the day and it sounds sensible to know where she is.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 09:38

She is walking with her friends during the day yeah you are being unreasonable what do you think will happen to her

mrsdavidbowie · 15/08/2015 09:40

You're being unfair.
Like other pps have said...what do you think is going to happen?

PaperdollCartoon · 15/08/2015 09:41

YABU not to let her go, she's 13 not 8. She's also definitely old enough to be home alone. YANBU to want her to keep in contact when she's out, a quick text to say I'm with so and so at so and so, will be back by 6 is no bother and just helps allay your fears. I let my mum know where I was and when I'd be home until I left at 19, it's just kind really.

Charis1 · 15/08/2015 09:42

how far is the walk.

Surely walking in the countryside with friends is a good way for her to spend her time?

laffymeal · 15/08/2015 09:42

FWIW my DS is 14 and has been going out independently with his friends for about 2 years. He has friends who have less freedom than him (and some who have considerably more) but says the ones who's parents constantly text and phone them when they're out in a group get really, really hacked off with their DPs for persistently checking up on them. Better to say "text me when you get there" and "get in touch immediately if you're worried about anything at all", after that leave them be.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2015 09:43

Btw your rules dont have to go out the window but you are listening to 13yr olds saying Im hard I dont need to text my mum when they probably do

Finola1step · 15/08/2015 09:45

YANBU for feeling apprehensive about her walking to the next village. But YABU a bit to let this stop her gaining a little bit of independence.

Why not let her go once as a trial run? Tell her she needs to text you just before she leaves and then when she gets there. Tell her that if she sticks to your conditions and all goes well, you will let her go again another time. Any problems or she goes back in the deal, no way.

NewsreaderChic · 15/08/2015 09:46

I think you're being a little overprotective. Perhaps the starting point could be that she can only go so long as she's not on her own?

MrsReiver · 15/08/2015 09:47

I understand where you are coming from but I think YABU. DS is 11 and has had much more freedom this summer than he has had previously but was difficult for me!

Can you get her to text you when she's leaving and when she arrives? I assume she isn't walking at night, or alone, and if it is a safer option for walking between the villages surely there will be other folk on it - dog walkers etc?

Original poster

CambridgeBlue · 15/08/2015 09:48

I was really hoping I wasn't being unreasonable but clearly I am. I just don't seem to think the way other parents do :( I don't know what I am worried about specifically, just that it seems a long way with nobody else around and if anything awful did happen I'd never forgive myself.

If I'm honest I really hate being forced into making decisions like this just because other parents don't seem to give a damn.

I know I'm probably being irrational though, I will give this some more thought, thanks for the replies.

OP posts:

BolshierAyraStark · 15/08/2015 09:49

YABU, she's 13 & with friends-this is how independence is gained, you need to start at some point.

Micah · 15/08/2015 09:49

Sorry, yabu.

I'd maybe make it a condition she never goes if there are fewer than 3 of them, but otherwise I'd have no problem. I'd also make sure if she's faced with walking home alone she calls so you can pick her up.

thornrose · 15/08/2015 09:49

She's also definitely old enough to be home alone unless you know the girl you can't say that surely?

PenelopePitstops · 15/08/2015 09:50

YABU
Plus you'll leave her at home all day but won't let her go to the next village?!

Stop getting her to text you, work on the no news is good news principle. She will appreciate it much more in years to come. When I was that age we didn't have phones to text all day, instead it was "make sure you're home by 7/8/9 (depending on light)"

ThomasRichard · 15/08/2015 09:50

I'd let her go as long as she was with a friend or a group of friends. IMO the best way to keep a teenager safe is to teach the to call you if they feel at all uncomfortable or unsafe.

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 15/08/2015 09:51

YABU. We live in a rural situation and from the age of 10/11 onwards the kids would walk home the 3 miles from school. The road route is not a safe route so they would walk the footpaths across the fields and through wooded areas, they walked in a group. They would often go out on their bikes with their friends in the summer holidays and only come back home for food or a change of clothes or because their 'Be home by...' time was up.

Boleh · 15/08/2015 09:52

To be honest it seems sensible to 'let' her under whatever reasonable conditions (not walking alone etc.) because if she is at home alone during the day there's every possibility that she could go anyway and then end up lying about where she is or being afraid to call you if there is a problem because she doesn't want you to find out where she is.

PenelopePitstops · 15/08/2015 09:53

Also "other parents don't give a damn". Now you sound irrational, they do give a damn, they are giving their children freedom, responsibility and confidence.

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