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work trip abroad + old boyfriend - would you?

58 replies

nevergoback · 15/08/2015 00:53

When I was single and fun I lived abroad for a couple of years. Had a beautiful boyfriend, all very serious and lovely, but, I came home, it quietly fizzled out.

Fast forward the best part of 20 years, and, work is taking me on a trip back there. To about an hour away from where he lived. I may have established via FB that he's still there, in a relationship and has not had the decency to get fat or bald

I'm married, happily, and have 3 kids. They're not coming on the trip. I have zero potential to be unfaithful. Zero. Not got it in me. No need for an emotional affair, fling, nothing. I am very, very dull.

I'd really like to meet up with him, just for a coffee. I don't want to have an affair - would just like to reminisce about what a bloody good laugh we had and hear about all the people we knew. It was such a happy time. And, he was so very, very handsome.

Having daydreamed over this quite a lot seems there are these outcomes:

  1. he says "who"?

2. he says "Nope. no thanks"
3. he says "that'd be great!", we meet for a couple of hours, have a laugh, lovely
4. as per 3, only, I remember why I didn't stay for him and ruin my daydream which I use when I fall out with DH/am harassed with kids/it's raining on my washing again, about how-I-could-be-living-on-a-beach-with-a-man-with-a-6-pack-and-not-dealing-with-any-of-this-shit
5. as per 3, but, I want to shag him. Out of habit.

Talk me down. It's a really, really bad idea to even email him and say "hi, fancy a scone?", isn't it?
OP posts:

nevergoback · 15/08/2015 00:54

Oh, should say, there is nothing wrong with fat/bald men. I married one. He's lovely. I'm fairly fat and balding myself.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 00:57

I don't see the problem at all! Why shouldn't two people who deeply cared for each other have the chance to reconnect and see how each others lives are going? I highly doubt he will have forgotten who you are and I'm sure he will appreciate the thought.

Have you told your husband about potentially contacting this man?


NickiFury · 15/08/2015 00:58

Yes I would. Have done similar, though he came here to the UK and I went and had a drink with him. Was great to see him because I probably never will again, sadly.


SaucyJack · 15/08/2015 01:01

It's a nopey nope from me.

If you're over him, then why bother? He's just a random bloke now.

And if you're not over him..... then it'd be even worse.


LaurieFairyCake · 15/08/2015 01:04

Yes meet up. But only if you're really sure that you won't accidentally shag him.

No sangria Wink


lemonade30 · 15/08/2015 01:04

do it. life is woefully short and there are limited people within it that we feel deeply for.

don't shag him.

If you can't trust yourself not to shag him then ignore in totality my earlier comment.


Toughasoldboots · 15/08/2015 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RepeatAdNauseum · 15/08/2015 01:11

No. The fact that your subconscious has flagged this up as a bad idea, and you are already over thinking this, is sign enough that it's dodgy ground I think.


anonymousforever · 15/08/2015 01:11

Yes, do it.
Be prepared to feel confused and fall a little bit in love again, maybe get a bit sad.
Still do it.


alleypalley · 15/08/2015 01:16

I think only you know how you feel. I have two what you might call serious exes in my past. One was my first love, and whilst I still have a few momentos from our relationship there are without a doubt no residual feelings. But I would be interested to have a catch up with him, and see what our 18 yr old selves turned into.

However my second serious love, is a different story. We broke up for practical reasons rather than there was a problem eith our relationship. I love my dh dearly, but I know if our situation had been different I could also have still been with my ex. So no I would never risk meeting up with him again and risk any old feelings being re-ignighted.

Have you spoken to your dh? If you would hide doing it then that would say something.


PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 01:18

SaucyJack What makes you think he is a random bloke to OP? They shared good times together. There are no romantic feelings remaining, so why shouldn't they catch up and see how they are both getting on? At one point in their lives they meant a great deal to each other. I find the idea that you could be so close to someone and not wonder/care how they are getting on years later, a bit bizarre.


IPityThePontipines · 15/08/2015 01:19

If your husband wanted to do this with an ex, would you be happy?

If the answer is yes, then do it.

If the answer is no, then don't.


SaucyJack · 15/08/2015 01:23

But those good times were twenty years ago Paul.

Obviously we're all different, but for me..... when it's gone, it's gone.

I have an ex that I bump into at weddings/parties every now and then, and it's just a bit cringy tbh. I don't know him any more- and I don't give a shite either.

And as I already said, quite frankly it'll be worse for her if she is still holding a torch.


HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 15/08/2015 01:24

I would do it but I would also be up front with DH. In fact I have a bit of a similar situation - an old friend from uni (who was sometimes a FWB) has moved to less than an hour away from where we live now. This is 4000 miles away from where we went to uni and have not seen him in probably 2 decades and I am really really looking forward to going out for a drink with him in September Grin - however DH knows all about it.


nevergoback · 15/08/2015 01:31

Not said anything to DH, not specifically. Which is curious.

He knows some of my friends from that time - some have come and stayed with us in Blighty. He knows about this bloke and that I've got time to catch up with people. I assume he's assumed we'll meet up.

I don't think it'd even occur to DH to be jealous, or uneasy, or whatever, to be honest. He's just not like that, he's far less sociable than I am and just isn't really that interested in people, especially ones he only vaguely knows. Not at all interested in those he doesn't.

We did email back and forth about five years ago, his father passed away and I got in touch when I heard, I was very fond of his dad. The emails were respectful, a little bit flirty but, not any cock shots - more just sharing "in jokes" of the era, which was a total ego massage for me, I bloody loved it.

Not loads of emails, maybe a paragraph every 3 months over about a year whilst he was dealing with the worst of his grief. So, it was all about him and his dad.

He did say then, "if you're ever here, I'd like to see your smiley face". But, my face is quite smiley. And, that was several years ago.

I think I'm with anonymous. It's probably going to be a mixed thing. But, I'd not shag him, even assuming he was waving his willy at me. Will even grow my peri-menopausal bikini line as defence. That'd fix any aberrant thoughts.

Saucy and repeat - you are right, you are right, you are right. I know.

OP posts:

nevergoback · 15/08/2015 01:34

Pity - yep, that'd be absolutely fine if DH wanted to meet up with one of his exes.

He works with one of them. It's fine, neither of us are jealous types and neither of us are daft enough to risk our marriage.

Well, I'm definitely not. I assume he's not.

OP posts:

purpler · 15/08/2015 02:28

Get a grip! You clearly think too much about this man or you wouldn't keep going on about his looks and the effect he has on you. Your husband you describe in less than flattering terms.
You assume your husband thinks you'll visit this man... Yet you mention nothing and keep the idea a secret.
To be honest you sound bored and in need of some sort of attention.


PaulAnkaTheDog · 15/08/2015 02:42

purpler You seem rather aggressive angry...


Itsthevibe · 15/08/2015 02:46

I would. But I'd mention it to my husband. I'm quite sure he'd be fine with it. If he wasn't, then I wouldnt.


bigTillyMint · 15/08/2015 03:00

Hmmm, I can see your dilemma. There's a lot of what ifs. Whilst the fantasy of life with him might be one thing, the reality might be something completely different. And if you felt tempted in RL?

I think I would have to tell DH that I was going to meet up beforehand. And be prepared for him possibly being uneasy about it (despite both of us also not being jealous types) And what about the ex - is he married/with someone? If he is, they might not be too happy?


bigTillyMint · 15/08/2015 03:01

Sorry, I see he is in a relationship.


PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 15/08/2015 03:11

At my better judgement I would say meet him.

If you do cheat then I hope it's worth the fall out.

But I think you should meet then lay this ghost to rest.


chrome100 · 15/08/2015 06:08

I guess the question is are you going to tell your DH you're meeting up? If yes, fine. You have nothing to hide. If no, it all gets a bit more sinister.


UghMug2 · 15/08/2015 06:20

I meet up with my ex (lived together for 10years) a few times a year for a cuppa & catch up. Every time it makes me appreciate how much I love my partner & how grateful I am to have him. My ex & I had some good times but we were young & never once did I think of cheating with him - ugh no. He's still kinda cute & exactly the same person(that was part of the problem in first place) but I just wouldn't, not even with yours. He & my partner get on ok so sometimes my partner & dc come too. I always let my partner know I'm meeting him tho. We were good friends for a very long time, would be sad to throw that away. Id say go for it but be open & honest about it. I've heard of too many holiday flings or old loves ruining relationships for the sake of a few weeks fun so just be aware of your own feelings & desires in the moment & the consequences of them.


purpler · 15/08/2015 08:03

[grin]@being called angry in aibu.

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