Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

1 2 3

AIBU?

work trip abroad + old boyfriend - would you?

58 replies

nevergoback · 15/08/2015 00:53

When I was single and fun I lived abroad for a couple of years. Had a beautiful boyfriend, all very serious and lovely, but, I came home, it quietly fizzled out.

Fast forward the best part of 20 years, and, work is taking me on a trip back there. To about an hour away from where he lived. I may have established via FB that he's still there, in a relationship and has not had the decency to get fat or bald

I'm married, happily, and have 3 kids. They're not coming on the trip. I have zero potential to be unfaithful. Zero. Not got it in me. No need for an emotional affair, fling, nothing. I am very, very dull.

I'd really like to meet up with him, just for a coffee. I don't want to have an affair - would just like to reminisce about what a bloody good laugh we had and hear about all the people we knew. It was such a happy time. And, he was so very, very handsome.

Having daydreamed over this quite a lot seems there are these outcomes:

he says "who"?
he says "Nope. no thanks"
he says "that'd be great!", we meet for a couple of hours, have a laugh, lovely
as per 3, only, I remember why I didn't stay for him and ruin my daydream which I use when I fall out with DH/am harassed with kids/it's raining on my washing again, about how-I-could-be-living-on-a-beach-with-a-man-with-a-6-pack-and-not-dealing-with-any-of-this-shit
as per 3, but, I want to shag him. Out of habit.

Talk me down. It's a really, really bad idea to even email him and say "hi, fancy a scone?", isn't it?

OP posts:

Report

Fishwives · 15/08/2015 08:07

Gosh, why not?

NickiFury · 15/08/2015 08:21

I am always a bit by posters who think AIBU is open season to be extremely rude and aggressive. Why would you want to be like that? especially on thread like this where the OP is just mulling the idea over.

Reubs15 · 15/08/2015 08:23

If you would be ok with your husband meeting up for a drink with an ex in another country then go. But you must must must tell your husband about it! If you're not planning on telling him that means you're potentially going to have something to hide.
Bear in mind your husband may not be happy or he may think it's ok to meet up with his ex's. I wouldn't like it if my partner did this as I believe ex's are the past.

FarFromAnyRoad · 15/08/2015 08:24

I think the OP has made it perfectly clear that she has no intention of cheating Piper (and others) - why have so many people read into this that she intends to cheat. She doesn't. And why would she? Ridiculous assumption.
This guy was, for a time, an important part of your life. Why on earth WOULDN'T you meet for a coffee and a yadder about times past? I absolutely think you should.
I just got back in touch with a significant ex (FB) - only to discover his life seems to consist of posting absurdly unfunny stupid cat memes on FB all day. Life has a way of steering us away from what might later be called a 'lucky escape'.
I say do it - and come back and tell us how it went and what you thought.

FarFromAnyRoad · 15/08/2015 08:25

And YY YY YY to what Nicki said.

WayneRooneysHair · 15/08/2015 08:29

Why are you assuming that your DH is assuming you'll meet up with him OP? Chances are it's never crossed his mind that you'll meet up with him.

OrangeVase · 15/08/2015 08:40

Yes. I have done it in v similar circumstances. It was lovely. We had a hug but not a kiss. We were so happy for each other There was affection and a sense of things being "right". Can't explain.

Still fancied him. He still fancied me - but no desire. Just appreciation.

We are still in touch - very intermittently - and it is nice. We both know the other is ok. Good luck

Hamishandthefoxes · 15/08/2015 08:56

I've recently accepted a friend req on fb from my first serious boyfriend. I told DH who didn't mind at all.

In your situation I'd mention to DH that I was thinking if meeting up and judge whether it was a good plan or not s little by his reaction. If he couldn't care less, I'd probably go ahead. If he really really minded I'd be a little surprised but not do it as it would hurt DH and I could keep thd fantasy life!

AuntieStella · 15/08/2015 09:13

There's nothing wrong with doing this, provided you tell your DH about your intentions to meet up with old friends, including this one specifically. And then tell him afterwards how it went. In full.

The secret emails a while back might have been anodyne in content, but the way you describe the effect they had on you seems far more intense. Don't add more intense secrets to come between you and DH. Enjoy it openly, or not at all.

Inertia · 15/08/2015 09:20

You should probably mention it to your husband , if it's something completely innocent you don't want to appear to be keeping secrets. You mentioned your ex-boyfriend's dad - were you close to the rest of the family, could you arrange to meet ex with his family ?

Reubs15 · 15/08/2015 09:30

Can I also say being faithful is not "dull"

diddl · 15/08/2015 09:37

I wouldn't, but then I have zero interest in exes from 20yrs ago.

If we were at all bothered about each other we would hav kept in touch.

HarrietVane99 · 15/08/2015 09:41

The secret emails a while back...
Where does OP say the emails were secret?

mommy2ash · 15/08/2015 09:53

Would you show your dh this post and think he would be ok with your making contact with this man? If so you have married an angel. I don't know anyone of either sex who would be happy with this situation. It reads as though you aren't over him are are secretly hoping he does make a pass at you for an ego boost if nothing else.

If a man posted this exact scenario he would be ripped to shreds here.

BolshierAyraStark · 15/08/2015 09:54

Personally I'd mention to DH, gauge his reaction & take it from there.

SouthWestmom · 15/08/2015 10:01

I don't know tbh. I've just been back to a country where I was young and beautiful back in the day and I was very pleased to meet up with an old friend because it 'proved' a connection between my two lives. I deliberately didn't meet my ex from those days because I could see that being too difficult.

Starbrite00 · 15/08/2015 10:23

The way you are speaking is as if you are trying to convince yourself.
If you meet him and he was up for an affair you sound like you would also be willing regardless of what you are writing.
You are not speaking very highly of you husband which suggests you don't really have a happy marriage.
You have put ex boyfriend on a pedestal despite not seeing him for 20 years.
You will ultimately do as you please but doing this, not telling husband, is in my opinion wanted an affair but pretending you don't.

Starbrite00 · 15/08/2015 10:25

if a man posted this exact scenario he would be ripped to shreds here

Exactly that

AuntieStella · 15/08/2015 10:30

"Where does OP say the emails were secret?"

She mentions emails only in a post which begins "Not said anything to DH, not specifically. Which is curious."

Which can be read as secrets being kept.

OP: would you be kind and clarify?

elderlyhippo · 15/08/2015 10:32

"I have zero potential to be unfaithful. Zero. Not got it in me."

Don't, for heaven's sake, rely on this. It's a such a well known step on the route to an affair that it's a cliche.

Instead, be open with your DH, if you value him at all.

SlaggyIsland · 15/08/2015 11:09

There's something about how you've described the whole scenario which would cause me discomfort were I your partner.
A bit... I don't know, protesting too much? I am not saying you'll do anything but you seem a bit too fluttery and excited about the whole thing, as well as the overthinking.

DrSethHazlittMD · 15/08/2015 11:12

Oddly enough, there's a thread in relationships right now about a woman who went away with work, has a fabulous husband, met up with old flame, got drunk, spent ages snogging him in a taxi and holding hands with him. Never went there with any intentions of anything other than "catching up".

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Email address

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

simonettavespucci · 15/08/2015 11:25

I don't know OP - usually I think why should you lose touch with someone you care about just because you once went out, but you seem pretty dreamy about this guy.

I would think very carefully about what you are hoping to get from meeting up.

And definitely tell you DH that you will be meeting him and afterwards tell him everything that happened. Otherwise you're already (emotionally) cheating.

YUDOTHIS · 15/08/2015 11:49

5. as per 3, but, I want to shag him. Out of habit.
I only skimmed so I may have missed something vital/am taking the wrong parts too seriously but if thats your attitude I wouldn't go anywhere near him

AuntyMag10 · 15/08/2015 11:58

Well if you are going to be telling your dh and he is ok with it then it's fine, but I wouldn't if I were you. Be honest with yourself, you really are hoping for more.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.