work trip abroad + old boyfriend - would you?

[nevergoback]

When I was single and fun I lived abroad for a couple of years. Had a beautiful boyfriend, all very serious and lovely, but, I came home, it quietly fizzled out.

Fast forward the best part of 20 years, and, work is taking me on a trip back there. To about an hour away from where he lived. I may have established via FB that he's still there, in a relationship and has not had the decency to get fat or bald

I'm married, happily, and have 3 kids. They're not coming on the trip. I have zero potential to be unfaithful. Zero. Not got it in me. No need for an emotional affair, fling, nothing. I am very, very dull.

I'd really like to meet up with him, just for a coffee. I don't want to have an affair - would just like to reminisce about what a bloody good laugh we had and hear about all the people we knew. It was such a happy time. And, he was so very, very handsome.

Having daydreamed over this quite a lot seems there are these outcomes:

1. he says "who"?
2. he says "Nope. no thanks"
3. he says "that'd be great!", we meet for a couple of hours, have a laugh, lovely
4. as per 3, only, I remember why I didn't stay for him and ruin my daydream which I use when I fall out with DH/am harassed with kids/it's raining on my washing again, about how-I-could-be-living-on-a-beach-with-a-man-with-a-6-pack-and-not-dealing-with-any-of-this-shit
5. as per 3, but, I want to shag him. Out of habit.

Talk me down. It's a really, really bad idea to even email him and say "hi, fancy a scone?", isn't it?

You should meet him and put old ghosts to rest BUT you have to tell your DH first.

I recently met up with my first serious boyfriend after not speaking at all for about 8 years. I am now married with a DD and had no intention of ever cheating ever. I saw my ex and my heart began to race despite despising the person he turned into towards the end of our relationship and still is now. It was a reaction to the memories(and he is very attractive). We sat and chatted over a cuppa about our lives now, hugged goodbye and went our separate ways. He is still the idiot he was when I left him and I am a thousand times better off with a husband and child I love to the ends of the earth.

Be prepared for old feelings to surface but remember what you have now and if your past relationship was going to work out it would have.

Enjoy your catch up

I'd tell DH, it hadn't occurred to me that I hadn't! Wasn't meant to be a secret, we're often communicating on a bullet point basis at the moment. Nothing wrong, just life is busy.

Posters saying that I don't sound very enthusiastic about DH have a point. Didn't mean to do that either. We're different kind of people - he's brilliant at everything I'm rubbish at and the stuff he finds difficult is easy for me. So, we're a good fit, but, he is not interested in who I went clubbing with 20 years ago. Not at all. So, that's why we haven't spoken about it, less of a secret and more just me choosing to not bore him.

I was close to this bloke's dad. Rest of his family is far away or NC. Lots of sad circumstances, which is why I got in touch with him when his dad passed away, I figured few other people would. I was right.

And, yes, OF COURSE part of the reason for meeting up would be for a thrilling ego massage. We were good friends and had a great time, I'd love to feel like that again, even in a small capacity over a coffee!

One of our kids has been chronically sick. It's been hard. I think maybe that's the draw, a couple of hours of pre-drama me? That's also the insurance policy against accidental bonking, of course. Would never risk what we have, we've nearly lost one of the kids so many times that it's beyond me to do anything to risk messing us up! I really need DH and they really need him. And, maybe I ALSO need to remember when I had time for fun.

The Kid's doing much better in the last 12 months. Which is why I'm managing to hold down work, and why I've landed up on this trip.

The thing about shagging him out of habit was a joke. Not a good one, obviously.

I think my hesitation is the "what for?" Question. I am happily married, don't need/want to be part of his life, he's with someone who seems lovely.

And, he may well not want to see me.

So, why bother? just "because I really liked him and it'd be so nice to reminisce".

I'll mull some more. Am appreciative of the advice.

Yabvu, sound bored and in need of having your "ego massaged" again.
If a man wrote this bs I wonder if the responses would be the same. You haven't spoken to your dh about it, you've assumed he is ok about it. You are kidding yourself and feel sorry for your dh, especially about your appreciation for your ex appearance and your dh being a bit fat and bald. That's nice.

Don't go.

You are looking for a momentary escape from your everyday life. Like you said, an experience where you are young and feel attractive and passionate and like the "old you", before real-life got in the way.

It will be all too easy to get caught up in that when you're in it. You'll slip back into reliving the past and having fun and not having responsibilities or stress or anyone else to think about, and those boundaries that you keep trying to convince yourself about will crumble.

Your reasons for not cheating are poor, too. Your DH would probably be gutted to read how you've described him...it's obviously not intentional, but you've pretty much said you won't cheat because life is hard and you need him around. That's not a great reason. It's not so bad if it's one of a few reasons, one of which being that you love him and don't want to lose him, but on it's own, as the primary reason, it's poor.

There is so much potential for this to go wrong. You are throwing a grenade into your life and waiting to see if it's a dud or not. Maybe you'll see him and nothing will happen, and you'll still be out thrill-seeking. Maybe you'll see him and do something that will tear your life apart. Maybe you'll meet him and one of you will retain some responsibility and you'll start something that you can't finish, that torments you.

You need to find a way to have fun and feel exciting without involving another man, or so much risk.

I think this is a very bad idea, otherwise you would have mentioned it to your DH.What about his wife? Where does she figure in this.

Wonder what the responses would be if this were a bloke asking...

Having read your latest post I agree with the others - it seems like you are looking for a way to escape the tedium/drama of your daily life and it sounds like your ex would be more than happy to help you do that, despite having his own partner.

The fact that you have mentioned none of this to your DH so far speaks volumes. Does he even know that you are in touch with your ex?

Of course it's a bad idea. And I'd do it like a shot.

Seriously though, I have a v significant ex in a furrin land and one of the reasons I've never returned is because I know my world would be tilted if I even just saw him again.
That is definitely something you have to weigh up.