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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ex shouldn't have DD for half of holidays if he's working?

73 replies

AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:20

Every year, I email ex in January to arrange school holiday contact. Every year in September, he emails to say 'i can't believe I've barely seen DD all summer'...! The most he's ever had her is for three nights and she's 8. Now we're going to court he's saying he wants holidays to be shared equally.

On some of the 3 night occasions, he has worked and left DD with his mum or GF. DD specifically said she'd only go there more if he wasn't working and that she'd rather be at home if he wasn't around. He's said that he doesn't want to be told what to do by me and that if he chooses to have DD cared for by his mum/GF/a childminder then it's none of my business.

However, as I'm on maternity leave and would like to have DD, I think she should be at home. Similarly, if I couldn't have DD for whatever reason I'd think it right to give him first refusal. Aibu to think being with a parent should be the priority?

OP posts:
GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:23

He's right

SaucyJack · 14/08/2015 23:23

As with your last thread about your ex, on the face of it he's being perfectly reasonable. I don't think needing to use childcare is a good enough reason to prevent someone from having access to their child or else two-thirds of the country would have their kids put up for adoption.

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:25

AlmondAmy why didn't you return to your other thread??

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 23:26

I disagree

Lots of working parents need to use childcare. That shouldn't mean they aren't allowed to have their kids during that time.

Most working parents spend quality time with their kids once they're home from work.

If regular contact can be ironed out, your DD will get used to the routine and hopefully that'll make everyone feel more secure.

But a parent shouldn't be penalised for working.

DurhamDurham · 14/08/2015 23:26

You'd give him first refusal? Wow....we'll that's very kind of you. He is her father and the fact that he works should not be seen as a reason for him not to have access. Plus it's good that she gets to spend time with her grandparents. When you aren't on maternity leave I take it your daughter has to be looked after by other people?

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 14/08/2015 23:28

Is the the ex who was the subject of your thread earlier this week? Who you stated was abusive to you and your DD? Confused

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:28

You were moaning you had no support and nobody to help with childcare.... Here he is, wanting her half the hols!

SurlyCue · 14/08/2015 23:28

So parents who work shouldnt have their children is what youre saying?

He is right, DD should go half the holidays, ideally he arranges annual leave like other parents do and on the days he has to work he arranges childcare. He could ask you if you would like to provide that childcare on those days (for the days only and him picking her up in the evenings) but he doesnt have to. Childcare on his time is his business.

MillionToOneChances · 14/08/2015 23:29

I'm with you (and your daughter). If he wants to have her half the holidays and look after her himself, lovely. But if you're at home and she'd rather be with you, I think he is unreasonable to insist on leaving her with his mum/girlfriend/childminder. It might not be any of your business, but it is hers. Make sure you've accurately understood your daughter's views and then ask your solicitor about the United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child article 12, with regard to your daughter's right to participate in decisions about her life. Tread carefully, though - it's easier to argue against leavening her with a childminder than with his mum. Unless his mum is awful to her.

MillionToOneChances · 14/08/2015 23:32

YABU to say she'd rather be 'at home' though. She has two homes, one with him and one with you.

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:37

She's 8. Does she dictate when she would prefer to stay home instead of go to school or the dentist?

I think you are looking for 'advice' to use in court to obstruct contact

WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 23:38

She would probably rather be 'at home' because at the moment, she hasn't had the chance to build a proper second home.

It's natural for kids to choose the familiar option, but it doesn't mean it's always best in the long run.

honeyroar · 14/08/2015 23:39

You're being greedy and selfish. Your daughter is not just yours. She had two families, and other grand parents etc on his side who would love to see her. She should be spending time with them. Of course she will say she wants to spend time "at home" rather than there - she's hardly been given a chance to know them.

Half the school holidays is only 3weeks out of 52 in a year. It's still nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:42

So if I was working, often away so not evenaround in the evenings, and ex was on annual leave and wanted to have her and Dd wanted to go, it'd be reasonable of me to leave her with her step dad or a childminder where she didn't want to be? Really?

OP posts:
ReginaFelangi · 14/08/2015 23:44

Have you disappeared yet OP?

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:44

Does she always get what she wants?

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:44

Why didn't you return to your other thread?

ReginaFelangi · 14/08/2015 23:46

I gather from your (numerous) other threads you aren't actually interested in whether you ABU and nothing will change as a result of you posting and then no doubt buggering off again. Your grasp of reality really isn't that great.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:46

Half of all school holidays is six weeks honey. It's a long time when she could be with family instead of a childminder (his mum and GF also work so a childminder is most likely option)

OP posts:
Lurkedforever1 · 14/08/2015 23:46

Yabu. In addition to pps, it's also likely that your attitude towards her dad is being picked up by your dd. So it's not actually even her real opinion, just one you've foisted on her.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:49

There's nothing to say yet Garmin, I'm waiting to hear ba

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 14/08/2015 23:51

Jesus, the majority of working parents leave their kids with childminders/childcare professionals.

I'm sorry OP. I can only go on the words you keep posting, but seriously you do seem to be letting your views on this man get in the way of your child's relationship with him.

As a PP said, you don't own your child.

StanSmithsChin · 14/08/2015 23:52

OP you clearly dont want your ex to have access to his child and half of what you post are ridiculous attempts to get everyone to agree with you.

YABU all the bloody time.

coconutpie · 14/08/2015 23:53

Huh? Your opening post in this thread doesn't mention the fact that you say he's abusive! Why did you leave that out and not return to other thread? Bizarre.

2rebecca · 14/08/2015 23:54

My kids always spent half the holidays with me and half with my ex (until they were teenagers and old enough to be left and even then they generally stuck to what we wanted). What my ex did with the kids on his week was his affair, and similarly if I worked some of the holidays and the kids were with my parents or my brother and his kids that was my affair. The person who works least doesn't get all the time with the kids as well as not having to work to support them.

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