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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think ex shouldn't have DD for half of holidays if he's working?

73 replies

AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:20

Every year, I email ex in January to arrange school holiday contact. Every year in September, he emails to say 'i can't believe I've barely seen DD all summer'...! The most he's ever had her is for three nights and she's 8. Now we're going to court he's saying he wants holidays to be shared equally.

On some of the 3 night occasions, he has worked and left DD with his mum or GF. DD specifically said she'd only go there more if he wasn't working and that she'd rather be at home if he wasn't around. He's said that he doesn't want to be told what to do by me and that if he chooses to have DD cared for by his mum/GF/a childminder then it's none of my business.

However, as I'm on maternity leave and would like to have DD, I think she should be at home. Similarly, if I couldn't have DD for whatever reason I'd think it right to give him first refusal. Aibu to think being with a parent should be the priority?

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 14/08/2015 23:55

Did you go to the court hearing?

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 14/08/2015 23:56

Worra this is the man who tells DD I don't love her because I send her to school. Who openly said he'd never rest until he ruined my relationship with her. Who repeatedly tried to r

OP posts:
CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 14/08/2015 23:57

is there a reason why you don't want exDH to parent how he wants to parent?

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:57

Court hearing is Tuesday I think

Ironic that your other thread is about lack of childcare. And you were looking for/needing some......yet you are moaning on this thread about the ex using childcare??

ReginaFelangi · 14/08/2015 23:58

Doesn't sound like you play fair either, Amy.

ilovesooty · 14/08/2015 23:59

Thanks Garmin

GarminGirl · 14/08/2015 23:59

If he did/does all those things then cafcass will find out. But you have to take a step Back and let them do their job

And engage with the court process instead of making excuses and developing sudden illnesses

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 00:01

OP, look I realise you (apparently) have a well documented MN history on this subject.

It's not for me to say who is right or wrong out of you and your ex...mostly because as always, we only hear one side of the story on MN.

But I can't ignore the fact that a lot of what you say on MN does come across as unreasonable imo...and more in your own interests than your child's.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but your posts are all anyone here can go by.

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 15/08/2015 00:06

They haven't found out Garmin. They told a terrified young girl that her father would be told everything she said so she said very little and has been in tears every day since. Not sure how improving this for her is in my interests rather than hers?

OP posts:
GarminGirl · 15/08/2015 00:07

I don't think they really told her that did they?

Original poster
AlmondAmy · 15/08/2015 00:08

2rebecca, you incorrectly presume that my ex supports DD. He does not. Just because I'm on maternity leave doesn't mean I'm not supporting her. I'm supporting DP by caring for our dc which allows him to work to support them.

OP posts:
Original poster
AlmondAmy · 15/08/2015 00:10

Yes, they did. I told the officer DD was intimidated by her father and would be unable to be open and honest if she knew he'd be informed. Her response was that she'd be completely open with DD that she couldn't keep secrets and would be sharing everything she said.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 15/08/2015 00:12

You stated in a previous thread that your ex pays maintenance that covers all living expenses for your seven year old.

ReginaFelangi · 15/08/2015 00:14

What's the nature of the safeguarding issue? Are you putting ideas into your daughter's head or is she really in danger?

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 00:14

Poor kid.

I've never had such a fucking urge to bang two parents heads together in my life.

My eldest is 23yrs old and I swear if some of his friend's warring parents could go back in time, and stop the petty emotional shit they ended up putting their kids through (albeit unintentionally), they would do it in a heartbeat.

But you only get one shot at raising kids...one shot only.

Both of you need to start putting this child first, and start acting like responsible adults.

Harsh? Yes.

Do I care? No.

ReginaFelangi · 15/08/2015 00:15

Stories change from thread to thread, saucy.

WorraLiberty · 15/08/2015 00:17

And of course the other parent needs to be told what the child is saying about them. This gives them the chance to defend themselves/prove that it might be bullshit, planted in their head by the other parent.

They will obviously afford you the same right.

ReginaFelangi · 15/08/2015 00:25

In Feb she had a 7yr old, a 5yr old, a 2yr old and a new baby. The 5yr old has mysteriously disappeared since then.....

gobbynorthernbird · 15/08/2015 00:27

Maybe she sacked that one off, like she wanted to with her DSC.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 15/08/2015 00:31
mynewpassion · 15/08/2015 00:33

I don't know if you are engaging in parent alienation or protecting your daughter. I hope its not the former

PerspicaciaTick · 15/08/2015 00:34

It is completely normal for adults to make it clear that they cannot keep secrets. It is very basic safeguarding advice.

YUDOTHIS · 15/08/2015 00:44

However, as I'm on maternity leave and would like to have DD, I think she should be at home. Oh come off it with the "protecting her best interests!you want her home to be difficult because its an easy way to get back to your ex. if there was abuse as you say involved THAT would be your reason for stopping/limiting contact not because you're on bloody maternity leave! quite frankly I call bullshit on half of the stuff you say about your ex your posts change rapidly and you clearly only want this advise to obstruct contact for your own ends.
If there is any meaningful truth to any of this do yourself and DD a favor and stop planting stuff in her head. I've got an abusive ex whos never really bothered with my 5yr old and I still feel sorry for your ex.

AnUtterIdiot · 15/08/2015 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YUDOTHIS · 15/08/2015 00:54

Same here AUI.