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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding and childcare

150 replies

Freeble · 13/08/2015 23:28

Sorry I want to put this as objectively as I can as can't see wood for the trees and need impartial honestly.

Couple have been invited to wedding of old mutual friend. One of the couple has been asked to have a part in the ceremony which will involve them being present on the stage of the ceremony for about 2 hours. Its a child friendly / alternative event and it has been made clear by those marrying that should this person need to hold their baby while up there it is not a problem.

The other member of the couple (who are not getting married!) has suggested the person does not take on this honoured role as they will be unable to help with their other child, who is 6, and will not be able to do very much with the baby as probably won't be able to hold them up there for the whole thing. The other member of this couple is upset that the person taking on this role, which of course is an honour, has not thought to refuse on these grounds.

Views appreciated!

OP posts:
ThreeBeanRap · 14/08/2015 10:58

I don't think 2 hours is as insane as people seem to think - most church weddings last about an hour and lots of other religious ceremonies are longer. I have been to a registry office wedding in another country that took at least an hour as they had to say everything in two languages. It's not beyond the realms of imagination.

Anyway...what I do think is completely nuts is the idea that a parent cannot be expected to look after their own 2 children for 2 hours, so that their partner can do something that is important to them. This would not even be a discussion in my house, whichever one of us it was. Of course stage person should be able to participate and non-stage person is being utterly ridiculous.

zazzie · 14/08/2015 11:02

I wouldn't want to look after ds for 2 hours on my own at a wedding and unless I knew there was a quiet place I could get him to quickly, I wouldn't go. A NT child though is different.

hampsterdam · 14/08/2015 11:14

Absolute no brainer non stage person should suck it up and look after the kids. It's two hours. Assuming no special needs a 6yo should be fine with a sticker book/tablet. How old is baby? Likely to nap at all? Do these people not go out to work or is it a two man job at all times to look after the kids? How do you think single parents cope.
This doesn't sound like a happy or healthy relationship. Too much resentment and point scoring.

CaptainHolt · 14/08/2015 11:26

I think a key piece of info I mentioned up thread is that non stage person believes that should they be asked to do similar

This makes non stage parent seem like a massive self absorbed arse. Normal people are happy when people they love are 'honoured', they don't throw 'if I can't have it then neither can you' strops and threaten to boycott the event.

bigbumtheory · 14/08/2015 11:47

Oh missed that! agreed they sound petty, pathetic and arsy. Sounds like they are sulking. Enjoy a day with them doing full childcare from home!

AliceAlice1979 · 14/08/2015 12:07

Go on, tell us, which party are you? Onstage??? You've had enough feedback :)

rumbleinthrjungle · 14/08/2015 14:53

Recently watched a family member wrangle 18 month old twins alone to let their partner and rest of the family focus on a family funeral and reception, probably about 4 hours worth in total. Twins wanting loudly to be out of the buggy at all times, both then disappearing at high speed in two different directions. But as the family member said, it was no different to managing them in supermarkets, on weekends, after school etc the same as they did every day. Six year old and baby is not exactly so demanding it requires two adults at all times, for a start the six year old will at least stay put and wait for a few minutes if the adult needs to focus on the baby!

If non stage partner had to keep both kids sitting down in a silent ceremony for two hours I'd be marginally more sympathetic, except still be saying sneak out for walks, take snacks etc. If non stage partner and kids can wander around, do their own thing, entertain themselves - non stage partner seems to be making a huge fuss about nothing. Why can't they cope with their own kids for two hours?

CalleighDoodle · 14/08/2015 15:01

People really need to keep in mind guests arent actually that bothered about the ceremony. Two hours?! Dear god id accidentally misread the invite...

Minisoksmakehardwork · 14/08/2015 15:12

Oh my word! Non participating oh needs to get a grip and wrangle their children - both of them.

I can mutter and moan with the best of them about dh not doing things the way I would do them. And I know he finds our 4 dc tough going. But at least he would if the occasion demanded. The one time he couldn't, he had to work. Dd1 was bridesmaid and I wrangled ADHD ds1 and dts (aged 2). My friends were wonderful and rallied round entertaining with little ones while I dealt with ds1.

Sounds like non-participating oh has got away for too long without managing two dc at once. Heavens the b&g have even said baby can be up on stage so that should show how important it is to them.

Best thing would probably be for oh to stay home with both dc and participating to have a bloody good time without them.

noeffingidea · 14/08/2015 15:19

I've been to a greek wedding that seemed to last about 2 hours. We just kept going out the back for a break (apparently this is acceptable at greek weddings seeing as everyone was doing it)
I had 2 young children with special needs and managed to look after them both by myself 99.9% of the time in a variety of situations. I don't see the problem here, unless it's a very formal wedding where you have to be silent for 2 hours. I gathered that wasn't the case here.

notquitehuman · 14/08/2015 15:22

Two hours? I'd mislay the invitation too. I once had to sit through a 45 minute handfasting followed by a unity candle ceremony and self written vows, and that was unbearable on its own.

Let the poor kids go play in a park nearby and avoid the pretentious nonsense.

Twinkie1 · 14/08/2015 15:28

I just can't believe any parent would need help with a 6 year old. A baby or toddler yes but a 6 year old?

MackerelOfFact · 14/08/2015 15:29

Sounds a lot like a Hindu wedding, in which case being on stage definitely is a great honour and it wouldn't really be acceptable to decline to help look after the children.

If the other parent feels they should also be up there, who would look after the children then? Hmm

MagickPants · 14/08/2015 15:30

As the OP has said this is not an Indian wedding, I am going to hazard a guess that it may be some kind of orthodox Christian affair. I haven't been to such a wedding but their Sunday services are interminable and people wander in and out all the time.

I am guessing:

The stage person is the mother

the non-stage person is the father

The baby is quite small or at least the mother is still on maternity leave so the father has NEVER had both at the same time

The six year old is a boy and / or needs a lot of physical activity

The father is a twat and is STILL (Despite having a 6 year old child) struggling to adapt to the reality that lots of things that would once have been an unadulterated jolly, will never be an unadulterated jolly again, and his eyes lit up when he heard "wedding", and now he is thinking "wedding while doing childcare" it really doesn't feel the same, and rather than just taking a deep breath and getting the hell on with it, he is trying to foist more responsibility onto the mother so that he can have something more approximating to an unadulterated jolly himself. (I bet he is a pain on "holiday" too, constantly trying to get lie-ins at the mother's expense)

Once, perhaps soon after a CS or while suffering PND or something, the mother may once have asked for help with something child-related when the father was planning to spend an afternoon in the pub or playing cricket or something and he has internalised that occasion into I Can Never Just Get A Chance To Do My Own Thing (when really it is more: you can't do your own thing ALL THE BLOODY TIME any more, not when the other person is really genuinely physically struggling to cope)

I want the OP to come back and mark my work.

MagickPants · 14/08/2015 15:35

I would like to refine my last answer:

I think the thing that happened, that the non-stage person thinks is an example of not being "allowed" to do similar is this:

When the OP was expecting dc2, the OP's husband was asked to be a best man and go on / organise a 4 day stag do - the dates would have been when the OP was 41 weeks pregnant, i.e., either in the act of giving birth, or with a tiny baby. the OP asked her husband not to leave her with no one to look after dc1 while she gave birth, possibly had major surgery, and / or was newly home with a newborn. The OP's husband bitterly resents this to this day.

munchkinmaster · 14/08/2015 15:35

I went to a Hindu wedding in India. It went on for hours. Initially all the Brits sat and watched and all the Indian folk had a laugh and ate outside. After a good hour or so the Brits cottoned on and joined them.

zazzie · 14/08/2015 15:57

Sometimes 6 year olds can be harder work than babies and toddlers.

Reubs15 · 16/08/2015 07:44

Ugh if i was the oh I would just skip the 2 hour "stage" part! Sounds like my idea of hell. Guests hate this. My mum said she was even bored at her own wedding (organised by her mum) lol. You could suggest that? Or that he takes them out every 20 mins or so. Partner should be able to handle their own kids. However they choose to do that should be up to them. Or get a babysittier!

MythicalKings · 16/08/2015 07:58

Non stage person needs to accept it isn't all about them. It's about the bride and groom and what they want.

Non stage person is being mean spirited, as was said earlier. He/she needs to be pleased that stage person has been offered an important role and suck up the childcare him/herself.

CSIJanner · 16/08/2015 08:33

Going from the example above, if the OH resented being asked to stay home from a 4 day stag scheduled when his DW was either giving birth or with a 1 week old baby, then he's being a dick.

If he's still resenting it and bringing it up now, he's a fucking dick who needs to get his head out of his arse. 2 hour wedding when both children are well and haven parent to look after them, fine. A 4 day stag when your wife could be dealing with complications, possible surgery and a brand new baby that you're on a learning curve with is a completely different ball game.

The non stage parent is being a dick. Simples. 2 hours - whoop whoop. Guess that parent also resents having to care for their own children if the stage parent has their hair done, goes to the gym or goes to the pub once a month to meet their mates. And heaven forbid if stage parent gets a job and needs to work or lose their job when the children are sick so the non-stage parent has to take some flexi or a day off. Tell non stage parent to man/woman up ffs!

LavenderLeigh · 16/08/2015 08:39

Non stage person sounds jealous that he/she isn't in a starting role and Is being all huffy
saying that they cannot look after two children for two hours is pathetic. Non stage person doesn't seem to have any idea what parenting is about

I'd leave non stage person at home where they can fume silently and go by yourself and have a lovely time. I'd also leave the DC at home and see how partner manages with them for a whole lot longer than two hours. That way they can learn what RL parenting is about.

Duckstar · 16/08/2015 08:45

I was going to say sounds like a Hindu wedding I went to. Several hours, but people got up, walked around and ate. Non-taking part partner shouldn't worry about "looking" after children. At wedding I went to there were so many children who my eldest played with. Baby was cuddled by "Aunties".

If it was a wedding where you effectively had to sit and keep children quiet for 2 hours, then I could see why partner might not be keen, but if it is child friendly then they need to stop complaining!

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 16/08/2015 08:46

I would be giving my DH some choice words if he couldn't cope with one or both of the DCs while I was, say, a BM at a wedding. He wouldn't bat an eyelid though, he'd just get on with it with no whining or bargaining.

Calloh · 16/08/2015 11:38

OP, I thought he was being childish and a dick before I read Magick's backstory.

If that is the example of when he felt he doesn't get the same I am actually, genuinely flabbergasted! He needs to get a massive, bloody grip ASAP

MissDuke · 16/08/2015 12:20

If the non-stage parent is genuinely friends with the bride and groom and there will be other mutual friends in the 'audience' then they are definitely being unreasonable. However if non-stage parent really doesn't know anyone there, then they should be able to stay at home with the children!

It does seem like there are other things going on in the relationship though perhaps? So it is impossible to give a clear indication as to who is being unreasonable!

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