Huge row about son entering junior school

[Crazedmother100]

Autistic son aged 7 is going to start junior school in September. He only joined the school last year after being home educated. He really liked his last year, he didn't make lots of friends but made a couple of really good friends - I felt it was a positive decision until now. He's already crying about going because a few of the older kids said something mean in their preparation sessions in the playground. From what he has said, it was not that bad and not worthy of complaining to teachers about but he is a sensitive boy - am already upset at the thought of someone being nasty to him, struggling to sleep and panicking that he is an easy target.

DH and I have argued tonight because I have said I want to get his hair cut before the start of term and spend a lot of money (to us) on clothes for him. DS has his hair cut in a feathery Oasis/Stone Roses style since he was 3 and although I love it and would cry if it were cut, it is not the norm for kids in his school. DH is arguing I will take away his individuality but I think this is a look WE chose anyway - not him and if it makes things easier for him, why not have it cut? He has not been picked on for it before but trying to think ahead.

DH is also angry and says I am being shallow because i want to spend 200 pounds aside from uniform buying him expensive jackets, trainers, jogging bottoms, pe bags etc to go back with. I don't mind going without this month if it makes DS a less easy target and I know it's not right but I remember my own school days and how fickle kids are. I am terrified for DS although we are being careful not to show it. If we are really sensible with our money this month , we can afford the stuff I have looked at but DH is a little in denial over DS's educational needs anyway and does not want to do without his day strips, steaks etc- says we just get him the normal school attire. DH says I am going to turn him into a conformist and I can see reading this back how shallow and stupid this seems but to me, surely, when kids are facing a struggle, as parents we give them whatever helping hand we can?

better

Just thought of another reason not to buy lots of gear. What you think of as being in fashion may not be.

In DS's crowd the thing to wear is Canterbury - they all wear the joggers and then extra street cred for having the t-shirts and sweatshirts . I buy it as it's fairly durable and not ridiculously expensive. However up to about a year ago they all seemed to wear Boden, but now it's seen as a bit young for them.

Therefore I'd wait before investing loads.

I tend to agree with your husband,save your money, you will need every penny for when your son starts secondary school, where branded gear is very much the norm. I'd also leave his hair until he expresses the desire to change the style.

Children with autism are vulnerable at school. It's crap but true. Things that will help include:

• making it clear to your ds that he needs to tell you and a teacher if he's being teased/upset and you liaising with the school over what action (if any) needs taking. I would certainly give very short shrift to teasing from older children - that's almost certainly deliberate meaness as usually they ignore littler ones.

-encouraging friendships

-supporting interests that help with friendships. My friend's (autistic) son got into football in Juniors and it's made a huge difference. Collecting the right cards or liking the right computer games is really helpful (obviously you can't choose interests for him but work with what you've got)

Trendy clothes and bags will be useful later on, although having the right Smartphone carries more kudos round here.

I have a son and daughter with autism. I think it's wise appearance wise not to make him stand out so understand the haircut.I'm not sure you need to spend £200 though. Do you know anyone with children in the school? I would buy the bag/pencil/gym bag case that is fashionable in that school but at seven I don't think boys tend to care about styles of coats and trainers.
Hope it all goes well for your ds.

I'm having flashbacks to my mum's insistence on buying Clark's brand trainers for me, when literally everyone else had Nike or Adidas I always swore I wouldn't impose same on my child

Only. on mumsnet are all these whimsy mimsy men who are so micro obsessed and controlling. Remember the man who had a hiss fit because the wife and kids planned a day out while he was at work and he felt left out?

I think your son should choose how he has his hair and his father should get a life. He sounds really stupid.

Yeah stupid man who thinks a tesco lunchbox and a hennes coat is fine for a 7 yr old.
What an absolute dick.

One of the reasons I would suggest holding back on buying expensive stuff, is the possibility of it disappearing. There are countless threads on MN every year about stuff being lost or stolen at school, which would leave you very much out of pocket.

I think it should be up to your son. Ask him if he wants to keep his hair as it is or have it cut more like the other boys. Ask him if he wants the same bag / coat / shoes as the others.
In my experience children who have made their own choices are more confident - whether that's the choice to stand out or fit in.

It was always the kids whose trousers were too short that used to get laughed at when I was at school. I will never send mine to school in trousers that aren't long enough.

I know it shouldn't matter, but I am realistic...

Daft - that's one of DH's "things" too, having been the boy with trousers round his ankles

I should have a word with your DH about leaving your DS to make his own decisions and not have to conform to his father's ideas of 'individuality'.

Children can be very individualistic, and do their own thing, but they have to have the personality to carry it off.

It is a huge handicap to have your parents impose their idea of it in to you. I read a blog of a home educating parent who was upset because her child got teased on a non uniform day but she had sent the poor girl in with her choice of a very pretty smocked dress that was mid calf length. ( did she even ask DD what she wanted?) It is something that I would have been teased about in 1958!
You have to get to know other children - have them around to your house and while I wouldn't suggest that you follow the fashion you do need to help them fit in.
Long hair on boys is fine if the boy chooses it- but not if it is mother not wanting it cut.

The answer is to work on DSs being confident with his own choices and letting him follow his interests or join organisations that are great for integration and trying new things like Beavers/Cubs and not be put off by any views DH might have on them- no one is asking him to join!

It is also a huge mistake to project your experiences onto your child. He is not you. It is different times and circumstances.

Agree that long hair on boys (in 90s style or whichever style) should be the boy's choice.

And it is a bit silly that your DH wants to express HIS individuality through his child...

I would buy a good coat but save the rest of your money until after he's started school and see what the other kids have.

I buy mostly Boden but about half of it second hand from facebook and ebay. I do buy branded trainers and rugby boots but nothing massively expensive.

I think you sound like a fantastic mum. You are putting the needs of your precious son before your own. I agree that a more usual haircut is a sensible thing to do (as horrible as it sounds) to fit in. I wish we lived in a world where everyone could just be however with no judgements, but children do gravitate to those they can relate to and appearances are part of that. I took my three school uniform shopping this year and I am glad I did, because the things I would have selected were very different from the things they selected for themselves. All appropriate just different. They need to feel happy and part of that is feeling as if we value their opinions.

My DS has ASD and is also going into year 3, so I know how you feel. He gets very anxious and OCD with his negative thoughts.

Personally, I would let the teacher know about his anxiety and where it stems from (the older children). They are there to support him. I have always let my DS's class teachers know if something is bothering him as his anxiety is a barrier to his learning and making progress in school. It might be trivial to us but it's a huge deal to him. Hopefully your DS' teacher is supportive.

At home, it might be worth getting the book What to do When You Worry Too Much, which will help your son deal with his anxiety with CBT techniques.

Ds 15 still doesn't give a toss about expensive clothes.

I think the must-have-designer stuff is just among a certain group of kids whose parents think it's important too.

Thehypo, yes, I think you may be right