Huge row about son entering junior school

[Crazedmother100]

Autistic son aged 7 is going to start junior school in September. He only joined the school last year after being home educated. He really liked his last year, he didn't make lots of friends but made a couple of really good friends - I felt it was a positive decision until now. He's already crying about going because a few of the older kids said something mean in their preparation sessions in the playground. From what he has said, it was not that bad and not worthy of complaining to teachers about but he is a sensitive boy - am already upset at the thought of someone being nasty to him, struggling to sleep and panicking that he is an easy target.

DH and I have argued tonight because I have said I want to get his hair cut before the start of term and spend a lot of money (to us) on clothes for him. DS has his hair cut in a feathery Oasis/Stone Roses style since he was 3 and although I love it and would cry if it were cut, it is not the norm for kids in his school. DH is arguing I will take away his individuality but I think this is a look WE chose anyway - not him and if it makes things easier for him, why not have it cut? He has not been picked on for it before but trying to think ahead.

DH is also angry and says I am being shallow because i want to spend 200 pounds aside from uniform buying him expensive jackets, trainers, jogging bottoms, pe bags etc to go back with. I don't mind going without this month if it makes DS a less easy target and I know it's not right but I remember my own school days and how fickle kids are. I am terrified for DS although we are being careful not to show it. If we are really sensible with our money this month , we can afford the stuff I have looked at but DH is a little in denial over DS's educational needs anyway and does not want to do without his day strips, steaks etc- says we just get him the normal school attire. DH says I am going to turn him into a conformist and I can see reading this back how shallow and stupid this seems but to me, surely, when kids are facing a struggle, as parents we give them whatever helping hand we can?

I have just bought two pairs of basic Asda trainers at £6 each to use as indoor shoes at school. Our lot get changed into those basic black gym pumps as soon as they go in...they only put their actual shoes on to go out to play at break and lunch.
We mums find that the toes of those wee black pumps, be they Primark or M&S, tend to wear through pretty quickly.
With my £6 Asda jobs I am pushing the boat out.

If branded stuff is a big deal in years 3-4 in your school, perhaps if all the parents of the NT kids didn't buy into it, it wouldn't be

Sorry I didn't mean to suggest that primary kids should be wearing designer labels. I just mean normal high street stuff, as worn by the majority of their pals.

Soon enough, at least the schoolbag will have to be branded though. Anybody remember Benetton duffle bags? God knows how I scored one but it was like driving a Rolls Royce to school :)

I bought my niece a Converse back pack a couple of years ago and gained much cred.

For now, unbranded superhero bags are the way forward.

Oddfodd, you are of course right. My mum refused to buy into it. And I suffered for it socially.

Benetton duffle bag, I was lucky to get a Benetton carrier bag!

Morris - I do agree that it's about fitting in. High street is fine. My mum made me wear a really vile bottle green wide whale corduroy dress once. I still remember the humiliation!

My Son started Junior school last year, he has ASD. He went in with a 'hand me down' good condition branded bag and coat (not intentional, we were just given it). He was bullied, the older children (year 5/6) didn't 'get' him. He's quirky and lovely..too lovely and everyone is his friend. Although from the past year he's learnt that not everyone is.
The bullying was dealt with really well and now the children 'get' him.
No branded clothes/trainers/bags/accessories in the world would have prevented him from being bullied.

My mum had a book called the no hassle sewing book, it showed hippies how to make trousers out of curtains etc. I'm still traumatised :)

I do have two delightful nephews who wear quirky, different stuff by choice and who had long hair way after their peers got shorn. They are happy as they are, and I'm so proud of them.

I, like Morris suffered socially as the result of my mums poor fashion choices. Maybe it's part of the reason why both Morris and I are prepared to buy branded goods / clothing which is seen as fashionable to a junior aged child.
I remember being bought £10 nicks trainers which were the laughing stock of the playground.
I also remember my mum buying me a floral parka from m&s which was hideous and I got ridiculed for wearing. It wasn't even a cheap coat and she could be got something more in keeping with what other children had for the same money. I hated mufti days as all of my clothes were so unfashionable. I won't subject my own children to the same fate so u allow them to have some choice over what clothing and footwear I buy as long as it is within budget (obviously not the a dating unofrm items). My DS would always choose Nike or Adidas trainers and that has been the case since he was in junior school.

OP- if I were you I'd talk to one of the other mothers about what their kids have. And I would make sure he sees the good friends he made last year at least a couple of times before school starts.

I wouldn't buy any designer stuff yet. Save the money- and if he's desperate for a particular coat when coat season comes in then you can get him that one. Pragmatically, if it is a designer conscious school, then the wrong designer is as bad as Tesco! (I would be amazed if this was an issue at all in year 3, to be honest)

I would talk to him about having his hair cut- that really should be his decision.

And I would dig a bit deeper into what the other kids said to him-if you can do it without it becoming a big deal. It could be nothing. Or it could be something. But you need to know.

^ not the mandatory uniform items.

Has OP cone back?

I'm with your DH.

Also an oasis hair cut is within the realms of normal hair cuts. However you can always ask your DS what hair cut he would like.

What you are suggesting is materialistic, image obsessed and conformist though. You are suggesting a superficial solution to a complex problem and it won't work. It's trickier then that. If your DS is getting bullied, then the school need to work with both bullies and your son.

Leave your poor boy be. He has ASD and you're planning to shift all his own things as well as him having to deal with new school too? Ask if he want a haircut. He's old enough to tell you. And I mean just ask, don't load the question - just a "fancy a change of hair or are we sticking the same?"

It's year 3, £200 quid on accessories is not only stupid but more likely to make him a target too. Most will probably be 'lost' by October half term.

Alternatively you could be marking him out for bulling by giving him top of the range expensive stuff

Your best bet would be talking/emailing the school and saying that your DS struggled with the taster day due to low level teasing and as a result hasn't been looking forward to starting. You don't need the school to act but wanted them to be aware

I wonder if it's different in certain parts of the UK. A work colleague lives in the Chester area, I'm in Hampshire and we were talking about tablets. Her mum had got a an Android tablet that she didn't need along with a new mobile phone and wanted to give it to my colleague's 10 year old. My colleague said there was no way he'd use it because it wasn't an ipad and "everyone" had ipads. I couldn't believe it - I live in an affluent area but loads of the kids (year 7) have cheap Nokia smartphones and not iphones and nobody cares. My 12 year old has a Hudl 1 and is happy with it (though he nicks mine from time to time because it has a bigger screen, still not an ipad though).

All that said, I find it difficult to believe that 7 year olds care about brands etc and would save your cash for year 7 as others have said.

I think at that age buying the expensive stuff is more likely to make him stand out. Guess it depends where you live but it would round here anyway.

Do you want him to go to school, OP?

I understand where you're coming from but you're not going to be able to buy 'fitting in' for him. I don't think spending £200 on this stuff is necessary and I'd worry that it's giving him the message that his individuality is unacceptable and that fitting in is so important that he must do so at all costs.

I think a better focus is building children's resilience and confidence so that they can deal with other silly kids. And making sure they are completely accepted for themselves at home.

In your shoes I don't think I'd send him but that's a decision only you can make.

I am with you, OP. You want to help your DS settle in. One of the ways to help him is to ensure that he has all the correct gear and has a haircut that looks like the others so that he doesn't stand out.

It may be shallow, but kids can be brutal and utterly intolerant of little differences. I recall a day that DD, then age 6, who was popular and sociable, being in tears one day that she had been excluded from a playground game because she did not have the ridiculously expensive right pencil case that all the other girls had.

I also had the Nicks trainers, Super.

Possibly why I favour Home Ed!

Sorry to be brutal, OP, but you are the one with the problem; your son has been diagnosed (?) with autism and you are massively over-compensating, to assuage your own anxieties, which will transmit themselves to him, if they haven't done already.

Provide him with the standard school uniform, leave his hair alone unless he wants it changed, and wait and see how he settles down at school before you waste money on expensive clothes and accessories in a misguided attempt to make him fit in.

Concentrate on developing a good relationship with the school and with his teacher; stand back and listen to their advice first before attempting your own strategies.

Morris my mother sent me to school in a dress she had made out of pink curtain material! It scarred me for life!

Bet your whole family sings really well though, bear!

I agree with the lot of the others.

Ask him if he fancies a haircut, if so go for it.

I'd hold off on the expensive clothes - maybe a nice gym bag and a good pair of trainers if these are things he would be excited to choose for himself.

I'd also find out what sort of school bags other DCs have and get a similar one. I didn't realise that in P4 most DCs moved from a small bag to a more rucksack type one and poor old DS was the only one in his class with the "babyish" bag for a term and a half. Luckily nobody seemed to notice, but it might be more noticeable for a new start.

Also what is slightly concerning to me is how much significance both you and your DH have put on your DS's appearance. You're going to cry if he gets his hair cut, and your DH is keen that he's not a conformist .

He's just a 7 year old with hair and a requirement to wear clothes. As long as he is comfy and happy in them - and yes though it shouldn't be an issue, best if they don't stand out overly.

I'm very much reminded of that film "About a Boy" where Toni Collette plays a hippy Mum who dresses her son in home spun garments when all he wants to do is fit in. If you haven't seen it then it's worth a watch.

Hope the school goes well for your DS.