Huge row about son entering junior school

[Crazedmother100]

Autistic son aged 7 is going to start junior school in September. He only joined the school last year after being home educated. He really liked his last year, he didn't make lots of friends but made a couple of really good friends - I felt it was a positive decision until now. He's already crying about going because a few of the older kids said something mean in their preparation sessions in the playground. From what he has said, it was not that bad and not worthy of complaining to teachers about but he is a sensitive boy - am already upset at the thought of someone being nasty to him, struggling to sleep and panicking that he is an easy target.

DH and I have argued tonight because I have said I want to get his hair cut before the start of term and spend a lot of money (to us) on clothes for him. DS has his hair cut in a feathery Oasis/Stone Roses style since he was 3 and although I love it and would cry if it were cut, it is not the norm for kids in his school. DH is arguing I will take away his individuality but I think this is a look WE chose anyway - not him and if it makes things easier for him, why not have it cut? He has not been picked on for it before but trying to think ahead.

DH is also angry and says I am being shallow because i want to spend 200 pounds aside from uniform buying him expensive jackets, trainers, jogging bottoms, pe bags etc to go back with. I don't mind going without this month if it makes DS a less easy target and I know it's not right but I remember my own school days and how fickle kids are. I am terrified for DS although we are being careful not to show it. If we are really sensible with our money this month , we can afford the stuff I have looked at but DH is a little in denial over DS's educational needs anyway and does not want to do without his day strips, steaks etc- says we just get him the normal school attire. DH says I am going to turn him into a conformist and I can see reading this back how shallow and stupid this seems but to me, surely, when kids are facing a struggle, as parents we give them whatever helping hand we can?

Yes, in year 3-4 oddfodd. by year 5 they all seem to be competing over which smartphone they have and which Xbox games they have (as well as which trainers they have). Maybe it is area dependent, I am in the North and I don't know if cheaper housing costs mean that parents have more disposable income so branded goods are more affordable and therefore more children have them?
I know that even when I was in year 5 of primary school I refused to wear trainers as my mum would only buy the cheap non branded ones and the other kids used to laugh and tease anyone with non branded trainers. I just use to say that I didn't like trainers when people asked why I never brought any in for PE lessons but really I was desperate for a branded pair.
It seems like branded goods have become more desirable at a younger age then when I was child, even though it was young then.

I second activities such as beavers/Cubs. I know several boys with asd and adhd etc who attend. (Plus camps mean a night off for you!) Most of the kids do go to the same school, but it's helped the little ones build bonds with the older kids and they do look out for each other at school. Same with school clubs, if they have any.

I have a similarly aged DC. I've just asked if they know what designer trainers are, or if they can name any brands. They can't & they're fairly savvy. They do, however, want a minions lunch box and minecraft pe bag.

I totally understand and sympathise as to where you're coming from OP. I say yes to getting his hair cut if that's what your son would prefer, but NO to all the designer gubbins you are proposing.

I have a 7 yr old son and can assure you that he and the other children in his class don't give a shit about labels on clothes. So long as the clothes are fashionable enough to be overlooked than that will be fine.

For example, how would you propose to keep his expensive habit going? You couldn't afford it! Very few people could!
No you need to come back down to earth on this one. It is fine to make sure his look is in keeping and up to date but there is no need for £200 of labels that the other kids don't recognise or give a toss about. Waste of money.

Get his haircut if that's what he wants.

But please don't waste your money on labels. I know loads of kids this age. I don't know any that get picked on for their clothes. If kids are bullies, they will find other reasons to pick on a child. Best working with the school to make sure they are keeping a close eye and encouraging the good friendships your ds has made so that he doesn't feel isolated.

And anyway, he will lose things even if you put his name in them and that will be money down the drain.

I agree with the haircut if every other boy has a short back and sides he will stand out.

I have a dd stating year 3 and there's no need for expensive jackets, trackies, trainers etc, they will get lost or at worst stolen. If anything this will also make him stand out if all the others have supermarket pe kit. It's more year 5/6 and secondary that branded sports kit become popular, year 3 it's all about characters.

The only thing he needs is a bag, pe bag and lunchbox with whatever characters are popular with kids in your area, likely to be along the lines of star wars, angry birds and avengers. Character things are slightly more expensive than generic but only about £20 extra for the lot, spending £200 on branded sports gear would be a massive waste and I as say could make him stand out when everyone else has £4 jogging bottoms from asda (which is what my dcs have).

My ds is about to go into year 5 (am in the North) and the only thing that bothers him is the fact he doesn't have an Xbox. None of his friends have the slightest interest in clothes, trainers etc. I don't think it's usual until at least year 6?. I am sure it will come in time but just make sure it is an issue before you spend the money (and I would spend it in a heartbeat if I thought it would make a difference).

Oh and he often has ridiculously shaggy hair, his choice, no one cares. He is not one of the popular kids and is a bit 'different' in his own way but it really is ok.

I think you need to ask him how he likes his hair. It doesn't sound like the bullies where even talking about it. Where they targeting him, or just th younger children in general?

I know it comes from a place of love, but I don't think teaching children that you alter your appearance so people will be nice to you is healthy. And it won't work anyway.

Another with a 7 year old boy whose classmates have no interest in fashion.

He was very pleased to get a new pair of 'cool' trainers for sports day recently - that's about as far as it goes at this age.

My DS has just finished Y3. We've just had his shoulder length hair cut back a bit because it was looking too messy. But he's 'quirky' child according to his previous head teacher and is being assessed for ASD. His difficulties make him stand out but it has not caused a problem. I do think this is because he's known the same set of friends since nursery. But clothes are nowhere near an issue yet. I really wouldn't spend that much on clothes and save it for the camping trip that also asks you to supply a million things you don't have.

Will he even accept these new things? I have twins, 10, one ASD he has used the same lunchbox since he started school, it is falling apart as is his original school jumper, took me a term to get them both swapped for identical but new ones.
Even if he would I am with the you are unreasonable to spend money you don't have on things, all the people who say kids have designer gear at junior school, should remember it's the parents buying it and possibly worrying their child will get bullied as well, i have yet to be asked for branded things by my children (accept for a iPhone, which they don't have, or any phone for that matter)

You are lucky he is good with haircuts , my boy is the same, long hair drives him mad so that's one issue we don't have.

Haircut, yes, something conventional and unremarkable will reduce his targetness from older children.

Clothes, bag etc... Assuming there is a school uniform, spending lots of cash on brands is not worth it. Just get normal. Jackets get lost and trampled on so expect damage. Trainers for PE & School shoes? Yes you could be paying 30_40 a pair for comfy well fitting ones regardless of brand, plimsoles probadly won't do in key stage 2. But the boys look at style more than brand and trainers that look like modern football boots are in vogue.

Totting up what I've spent on new kit for ds going into yr 5. Trainers 40, shoes 50, bag 10, polo shirts 15 , pe shirt 8, PE shorts 6, sweatshirt 10, socks 12, Its quickly over 100. He had outgrown a lot of clothes .

My youngest DS is 7 and he is will go to school in a coat that is a hand me down and PE kit etc from Tesco. It really really doesn't matter. I live in a rural area and there are a lot of fairly well of people here and they don't give a stuff about buying labelled things for school. It will get either lost or trashed. Build confidence, get to know the other families and invite the odd child back for tea if you think your DS can handle it. Apologies if I sound naive as I don't have any direct experience with autism. Keep talking to the class teacher. They should be more than happy to talk to you about any concerns you may have. But ask him about his hair! I really think that's so important that it's his decision.

I find your post really worrying, OP. If there's a culture of bullying at the school, then buying the expensive trainers etc so he fits in isn't the way to deal with it. £200 sounds like an awful lot of money to spend on extras, and when my DD was that age, there was none of that pressure to fit in by having the "right" lunchbox, trainers etc. Maybe we were lucky but I doubt if hers was the only primary school where that was the case. They're only seven, after all.

Do you have any evidence that at this school kids are under a lot of pressure to conform? If so, maybe it's not the right school for your son. And if he is on the autistic spectrum, then he isn't going to fit in completely anyway - you need somewhere where the children will be tolerant of his difference and where the teachers nip any bullying in the bud.

My Ds has just finished year 3...

Yes I would do the haircut so long as DS agrees... I have a sensitive soul , I have spoke to him on the same subject...

My DS loves anything from H&M ... but wouldn't know a branded name if it bit him on the bum..We have to have trainers for PE.. I don't believe anyone buys branded trainers. The lunch box yes get the latest thing other than that no..

Ds2 attends a massive primary 90 kids per year.

No-one cares about branded items, there are a few kids with Bench coats etc but my son comes home with a ripped coat at least twice a year which I sew the seams back up on.

Trainers are Asda £7 jobs because they get trashed, or Sports Direct branded but cheap. Some kids have a branded bag, Nike/Bench but just as many have something plain with a Pokemon/lego/Minecraft keyrings.

For year 3 Ds2 had Pokemon, now he just has a non-branded plain rucksack.

Any amount of low level bullying stuff should be addressed. Children need to be taught what behaviour is unacceptable.

How will you feel when that designer coat gets ripped a week into the term after a rowdy game game of tig?
Will you be ok with his designer trainers getting crushed and scuffed in the playground?
Will you mind the bottom of his designer bag being blackened and bashed by getting thrown around?
Will you smile beautifically and get your purse out to replace the designer items that have been lost or picked up and taken home by another pupil by mistake?

You're not seeing the wood for the trees. He is 7 and all he requires is to be regarded as such - not a clothes horse to set the bar by.

Please forgive me for what I am about to say, it is based upon precisely zero knowledge of parenting a kid with additional needs.

Ok here goes. When I was a kid in the seventies, I felt sorry for handicapped children (as we called them then) because not only did they have to cope with wheelchairs, thick glasses, or whatever, they also had to have shit hair and clothes. I honestly thought that it was part of having a disability that you had to dress in as unfashionable a way as possible.

Ok, I can see now that parents of children with disabilities have vastly more to deal with than keeping up with silly school trends or taking their kids to a proper hairdresser.

But to kids, that stuff matters. I know, because I was dressed in rags by my hippy mum and I hated it. It's shallow, it's wrong, it's feeding the capitalist monolith etc etc but if you want your kids to have a chance of fitting in, it's a game you have to play. Even if you have to hold your nose as you do it.

Your wee boy's hair sounds ace, but if he'd like to look more like his pals then it's such an easy way to help him feel cool, regardless of any additional needs he has.

Are asda trainers at £7 really any good though?
I wouldn't wear £7 trainers for doing even the most basic of sport as they would be made of synthetic material and are likely to have an inflexible sole so I wouldn't buy them for my child either.

I don't spend a fortune on branded stuff as I try to buy everything in the sale or at outlets.
My sons Adidas trainers when he was at primary school would cost between £15 and £25 (he now takes adult sizes so they cost slightly more but not horrendous amounts).
An Adidas or Nike rucksack £10-£15
A pair of Adidas or Nike football boots around £20
A bench or Nike coat would cost around £25
Any decent quality items without a brand would cost similar.
To be fair, school shoes cost me at least £40 and have since my son went into junior school, school trousers are at least £12 a pair, school jumpers are £18 each, so the cost of the branded items is less than the mandatory uniform stuff partly because there is more choice of places to buy non specific school stuff.

Morris, I get what you're saying but in the seventies kids clothes were expensive and not as easy to get hold of. Supermarket coats and designer coats look the same to most 7 year old boys. I hope the op comes back but I think you both have to be on the same page about this and the op and her husband are not. This is about more than clothes and a haircut. I don't think the op is seeing the bigger picture and that's probably largely due to her being unfamiliar with what most primary schools are like. Is your DS your oldest or only child OP? Or have you had other DC in school.

Morris I agree that keeping up and fitting in is very important to kids. I was another sent to school in my mother's deeply unfashionable choice of clothes and I swore I would never do it to my own kids - and I haven't. My kids (6, 7 and 13) are dressed well and in keeping with their own wishes. However, they have never needed or asked for designer labels.

I get stuff from H&M, Sainsbury, Asda, M&S, Primark, Next, Lindex, John Lewis and occasionally if it's a bargain in the sale, Boden or Jules. Also Trespass for performance outdoorsy gear.

None of my kids have ever been laughed at for their clothes or lack of labels, believe me. If anything you'd be risking your lad being overdressed and possibly standing out more as a result of it. Just go to H&M like everyone else pal...save your cash.

No one is saying it's fine to dress him in hippy rags but non-branded stuff is fine. Why buy branded stuff?

And I doubt you would have known a kid had ASD in the 70s Morris. You would have called him weird, not handicapped

That's defo true and to an extent we were all in the same badly dressed boat, especially those of us with older siblings, subjected to hand me down hell.

My lad starts primary next week but these issues haven't come up as the school tells you what they are to wear, and they'll all look pretty much the same. As they get older, peer pressure comes into the picture.

I got my first job at the age of fourteen as I wasn't willing to dress like a tramp and my mum wasn't willing to buy me fashionable clothes. I've been shopping obsessed ever since and it's all her fault! Unintended consequences, mother dear.

Morris my mother sent me in a dress to school that she had made out of pink curtain material! It scarred me for life!