AIBU About Screen Time?

[LadyNym]

I suspect I am being unreasonable but I guess this is the test for just how unreasonable I'm being.

DS1 is three and being assessed for ASD (he definitely has ASD but it's taking an age to get a diagnosis, though it should be at an end soonish). DS2 is 16 months and I have my suspicions but it's too early to tell if he is also autistic. Both boys are hard work.

I used to limit DS1 to no more than about two hours of screen time a day (it was the NHS guidelines I'd read or some other probably arbitrary limit ) but I've gradually increased that until now I'm sure he watches far too much TV and goes on an old laptop now on top of that. It's just so hard to do anything with him. He doesn't 'do' imaginative play so if I get out all his figures he'd prefer to line them up than actually 'play' with them. If he becomes overloaded or bored he starts playing up by basically just doing things he knows he shouldn't over and over (hitting his brother, biting my clothes, throwing toys, running through to rooms he's not allowed into, kicking, tipping out all his toys, finding anything he can reach that he's not allowed etc.). I mean, there are not even seconds in between me stopping him doing one thing to him moving on to the next. Without locking him in a room I don't know how to stop him. He's worse if we've been somewhere or had someone round and his usual routine was interrupted.

And the noise is constant. I know everyone says that about their children but he seriously makes noise all the time. If he's not speaking continuously (his language is very advanced for his age but when he's walking around a lot of it doesn't really make sense; it's more like a stream of consciousness than actual conversation/information), then he's 'verbal stimming' where he'll make various noises (humming one note in short bursts over and over, making a 'brrrr' noise with his lips, cackling, screaming, shouting sounds, babbling) or just hitting/banging things. He'll also randomly scream in his brother's face a lot.

I try to do things with him (drawing, painting, Playdough, making train tracks) but once it's set up he doesn't really like actually playing with things so they don't tend to hold his attention very long. He likes going outside but we're living with my parents at the moment and they have a huge garden (with ponds and concrete steps etc.) so trying to keep him and his brother together and safe is quite exhausting.

I also don't want to do anything that might prompt a meltdown (yesterday he screamed for about 20 minutes and ended up making himself sick because I told him the guy who trimmed my parents' hedge last week was on holiday).

I feel like a shit mum but I don't know how else to get through the day sometimes other than sticking him in front of the TV/a laptop. Although, to be honest, that's no guarantee. I try to limit it more to when his brother's napping but it's not always the case (his brother can be hard work, too, and has decided to start climbing anything and everything so I spend a lot of time trying to move furniture and get him off of tables/chairs/shelves).

I'm sorry it's so long. AIBU to stick DS1 in front of a screen half the day?

Just to say, sounds exhausting and very difficult for you.
Be kind to yourself.
If your children have ASD you can't really judge their needs against those of NT kids I imagine.
It's good you'll hear soon re diagnosis.

Lady I've tried but the timetables can't be opened without the programme they are made on. I can send you a paper copy if that helps. PM me if your interested and I can let you know what I have and add any you may need.

Hope your day's been manageable.

I do know what you mean, Early. I do think if DS gets into a routine of having screen time at a certain time every day he will have a meltdown if I then don't allow it but the same could be said of anything. And, I also have to consider DS2. Sometimes DS1 becomes almost dangerous to be around and I maybe need to change DS2's nappy or he's just being bullied too much so I distract DS1 with screen time for his sake.

I'm not pretending to understand what it's like to parent a special needs child, just offering support and suggestions from the knowledge and experience that I do have.

Dn is severely autistic and we've had to adjust how we think of "playing" iyswim.

So, I still buy toys I think she'll like, but she won't take a doll and brush its hair/put it to bed. She will however run the hair through her fingers, or stroke the soft body bit. She still enjoys the doll, but on her own terms and in her own way - and that doesn't devalue the pleasure I get from finding something she'll really enjoy.

Many sensory-seekers enjoy deep pressure, can you play games where you roll him up in a duvet or bury him under sofa cushions? Couple of books in a rucksack on his back might also work.

OT may also suggest brushing - where you use a soft baby hairbrush to stroke his forearms. Worth looking up if you feel able.

And look up your local Autistic Society too, see if you can get some support or even respite care.

You can buy visual timetable stuff, ready laminated and cut, from eBay.

Would something like Lego technic (I think they do a version for younger children too, but don't know what it's called) hold his interest? I am very much an organiser/constructor rather than an imaginative player. I love Lego technic because it's so intricate, I rarely played with my models just built them, and with all the little cogs and moving parts it's so much better than regular Lego or duplo. Or kid k'nex? If he likes to watch you build he might be amenable to being taught how to do it himself.

Failing that, what about things that encourage collecting and lining up, like some of the trading cards and little figures you can buy? Activities like sorting beads/buttons? Jigsaws?

But I really wouldn't worry about using screen time as much as you need to, particularly when the weather's bad or you need to get things done!

I have no advice re autism or any other special needs.

But I will say you have to take things day by day. Have a plan the night before. Be prepared to scrap the plan. Do whatever gets you through the day.

I will say that all this screen time stuff imo is about what screen they are using. For instance dd watched a lot of tv when she was younger. Mainly because I was a skint single parent working as much as I could. So in winter when the weather was shite we only had so many activities we could do on a day off. Plus she was at nursery 3 full days a week and her dfs eow. So on the time we had together I wanted her to be able to relax and enjoy our time together not force her to do something she didn't want to do.

Other times though we did lots of outdoor stuff.

She is now a lovely, bright, social girl who enjoys a range of hobbies. Does well at school and is well read.

So ime 'too much' screen time hasn't harmed her. She still now watches age appropriate tv. Doesn't play computer games and if she did again it would be age appropriate.

There is a world of difference between watching cbeebies and playing an 18 rated game I think.

Deladion, I bought him a bean bag and I get him to lie on it then sort of lie on him perpendicular (if that makes sense) as a form of deep pressure. He does like to wear a backpack and if we go somewhere I often pack him one with a drink, some snacks/lunch and some toys so it's got a bit of weight to it. Maybe I should utilise it round the house more. I have a baby hairbrush I don't use anymore so will try it on his arms, too. Thank you.

It was a tough day, today. I don't know if this is still a response to having to go to the hospital on Tuesday (he has a cyst under his eye) or something else but he's certainly been acting like he's had a complete overload for the last couple of days. He just kept on pushing me (he does something he knows he shouldn't again and again and regardless of whether I move him away, tell him off, try to distract him etc. he just laughs and does it again or gets angry and lashes out). I'm almost hoping he's still the same tomorrow, though, since we have an appointment with the child psychologist and so far none of the HCPs have seen him have a meltdown. I don't think they'd be as keen on the 'wait and see' approach if they did!

He said something really interesting one dinner time when he was asked to be quieter, I don't remember the exact words but he was basically saying that he had to talk to stop us talking, he was trying to block out that stimulus I guess.

DS1 definitely does this. If I try to have a conversation with my mum he'll often start talking/shouting over us. Sometimes words and other times babbling. If his brother is crying DS1 will start screaming to cover up the noise. It's very frustrating! He's not very good at using his ear defenders yet but I'm hoping with time as he starts to understand more he'll be able to utilise them.

I used a MP3 player and some kids design headphones for DS.

I used a MP3 player and some kids design headphones for DS.

I think we'll do this when he's a bit older. He has children's headphones for watching YouTube videos on a laptop but he takes them off a lot and I think he'd fiddle with an MP3 player and keep turning it off right now (he couldn't just put it in his pocket since he doesn't wear clothes).

DS2 is down for a nap. I've been up since 4.30 with DS1 but still asked him what he'd like to do (offered to play with anything he wanted since DS2 is asleep) and he asked for his laptop. We're going to the hospital later for his child psychologist appointment, which will be stressful for both of us (though DH is working from home today so he'll look after DS2, which is one less thing at least). So, I've put YouTube on his laptop for him and...I don't feel guilty. I've been able to read a few threads on Mumsnet and have a cup of tea and now I've got plenty of time to make DS1 a packed lunch and make sure I've got plenty of changes of clothes for him since he gets bad car sickness.

Good luck at appointment

The only thing I want to offer is and as it sounds like hell for you OP. Neither of mine are SN but they are only just 2 & 3 and any task lasts about five minutes before they are fighting or bored of it. Some days are horrendous. I've resorted to tv this afternoon at 3.30 after a day or trying to organise activities and breaking up fight after fight. I planned to last til 4.30 but it's pissing it down and I've had enough. I have an enormous amount of respect for all parents of SN children, it's no picnic that's for sure. Do what gets you through and don't feel any guilt. You're just a mum, not a superhero with neverending reserves of patience and every resource known to man at your fingertips.

Thank you everyone. The child psychologist was the same one who diagnosed my sister and my mum said she was a bit weird and the appointment was not what she was expecting. I was still a bit taken aback. She didn't ask me questions and interact with DS1 to assess him or anything. She basically said she felt her role was to help me so asked what problems I had with DS1 and gave me some strategies for coping. With everything I brought up she said, 'Well, all three year olds do that.' I was starting to think she didn't believe he has ASD.

But at the end she said she'd tell the paediatrician she thought he had Asperger's and that was it. It was all a bit odd but I think it does sound like DS1 will get a diagnosis so that's the main thing!

@rogergowdy Why have you ressurected this 2015 thread???