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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dh to go too far

100 replies

K8eee · 12/08/2015 22:52

I'm due with dc2 6th November. dh is meant to have dss the week before for half term, but for practical reasons I don't think it would be far to have him. these are the reasons why. dss lives over 200 miles away so dh would have to have a night away before bringing dss home and the same when dropping him back. I don't fancy him being away incase I go into labour, as I have no friends or family who can drive me to the hospital and I have dd to look after too, so there isn't anyone apart from my parents who are 2.5 hours away who will be on standby. also, this probably sounds selfish on my behalf, but I want to know I can come home and feel comfortable in my own home once I've had ds. I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf. before anyone suggest my parents looking after dss if I go into labour, he has only met the 3 maybe 4 times, and he hardly knows them. I'm sure his mum wouldn't approve either.

OP posts:

wankerchief · 13/08/2015 09:13

Would you be happy not to see your own children for that length of time? I wouldn't.so why should Dh do without seeing his?

He is a blood relation to your children and shouldn't be excluded just because he lives elsewhere.

Also that's a doable drive, no need for an overnight stay

maybebabybee · 13/08/2015 09:15

YABVU re: the stupid comment about a 9 yr old 'gawping'. It's good for children to see that breastfeeding is normal and natural.

YANBU re: the distance but there is not much you can do - your husband has to see his son.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 09:17

I don't think the op will come back tbh.

Hellionandfriends · 13/08/2015 09:17

I suggest your DH hires a car for his ex to drive and pay half the petrol. That way she's not using her car

MiddleAgedandConfused · 13/08/2015 09:24

Hellionandfriends - perfect solution. Sorted.

happymummyone · 13/08/2015 09:34

I was verging on the side of YANBU until you said you didn't want him in your house 'gawping' at you. He is you DHs child, you took on his son when you married humans so he is part of your family. If he was your own child of 9 you wouldn't resent him being in the house when you bring home your new baby. It's his sibling, the worst thing you could do is make him feel rejected at a time like this. It sounds less about the distance, more about you not wanting the boy around.

DiscoDiva70 · 13/08/2015 10:00

I don't fancy a 9yr old gawping at me whilst I whip my boobs out to bf

Wtf? What an absolutely disgusting thing to say about a child. Why would he be 'gawping' at you? ffs

I agree with others who've said that you sound like your using the distance thing as an excuse to keep your dh's son away, there is no need to stay overnight for that journey.

To me, you come across as jealous of his son.

IfNotNowThenWhen · 13/08/2015 10:27

I didn't have anyone to drive me to hospital when in labour ( was single by then). I called a taxi. It was fine.
Having said that I'm another one that doesn't really get the point of having my man watch me groaning and mooing! I'd rather he paced outside with a cigar

I see what ollieplimsoles is saying though - from the stepson's perspective it might be difficult to be there. Although less difficult if the step family make more effort to get to know him perhaps?

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 13/08/2015 10:59

I see what ollieplimsoles is saying though - from the stepson's perspective it might be difficult to be there. Although less difficult if the step family make more effort to get to know him perhaps?

If the new family is formed in a considered way, then the stepchildren would get to know their stepmother long before a new baby arrives. This way, they could avoid this awkward getting-to-know-you while raw from childbirth. It's almost like these people decided to have a baby without considering what impact it might have on the existing children.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 11:10

It's almost like these people decided to have a baby without considering what impact it might have on the existing children.

With the greatest of respect to the op...this is what I've been getting at. They don't sound like much thought has gone into building a family unit including step son before their own babies arrived. So there may be mistrust/ jealousy/ inconvenience.

In an ideal world, a step parent would make extra effort to ensure a good relationship with step children to build that love and trust- but in the case of the DSS it seems he has been very much 'out of sight, out of mind'

So in the light of this I think forcing them all to be together could be bad for relationships. I think they should wait a bit before he comes to stay.

We hadn't even met my step mum before she was pregnant, then we were expected to accept her children (didn't even see them as siblings at first thats how bad it was) as part of our family. Its what my dad wanted. Did not go well.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 13:42

I can't see that any effort has been made into building a family unit- and yet one will be built for the younger child and the elder brother will not be part of it - just an inconvenient visitor.
I have never heard of mother's not breastfeeding in front of siblings. What would OP do if they had his brother full time or shared residency?

haveabreakhaveakitkat · 13/08/2015 14:03

The boy is probably acting a bit immature as he's been through a family break up, he is rarely seeing his dad and has a new sibling and another one on the way. A lot for a 9 year old to cope with.

One of my earliest 'step child' memories was at 10 years of age having family photos taken (Dad, step mum, step siblings). Step mum said 'kitkit, it's just a photo with me, dad and my girls now' and I had to step away. There were no other segregations, just me! Maybe she thought I was too young to take it personally but I was deeply affected. So much so I can't look at the photos that were taken that day.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 14:47

Step mum said 'kitkit, it's just a photo with me, dad and my girls now' and I had to step away.

Aw thats heart breaking :(

What would OP do if they had his brother full time or shared residency?

I presume you mean the DH's son? well I think it doesnt help that he is 200 miles away and they only see him on school hols when he comes to stay. He is going to be pushed out more.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 16:02

That is so sad kitkat - I can't understand how anyone can treat one of the family like that.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 16:03

I bet OP wouldn't want him more than the present arrangement!

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 16:08

My suggestion of your DP going to see his son a few weekends before your due date by himself (he's already overnighting anyways) or hire a car for the ex to drive DSS are good compromises.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 13/08/2015 16:43

Really sorry to hear that. You must have felt as though your dad had been hijacked.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 16:55

Really sorry to hear that. You must have felt as though your dad had been hijacked.

Well, it was very him to just do something like this. She had no idea he already had two children when she fell pregnant and moved in within two weeks of meeting him. She was desperate for a baby, my dad was too. he basically rang us one day and said 'you have a new step mum and you are getting a new brother or sister!' My sister had a breakdown and needed to see a childhood counselor, she was 13. Its one of the many things I will never forgive him for.

I think the suggestion of Dh going to see his son alone just before due date is a really good idea too. son will be able to spend quality time with his dad, and get ready and excited to welcome new baby when he comes to stay with the op. I think it will just be easier for him, it can be hard for a child to see their parent invested in a new baby, at nine he may feel in the way despite what the op feels about him.

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 18:07

I just don't understand this mentality of two choices of either DSS comes or stays home until the Christmas holidays. That's almost 4 months of not seeing his father, assuming that DSS spends half the summer holidays with his father. If its the first half of the summer holiday, it would be almost 5 months of not seeing his father.

Does the DH deem this is acceptable? It feels as if the OP thinks it is because she hasn't provided any other alternatives for the October holiday.

Why can't the DH spend a weekend by himself with his son near where DSS lives prior to the new baby coming? He's already allocated that petrol and hotel money for the contact time. It would be cheaper because he only does one round trip instead of two.

featherandblack · 13/08/2015 19:22

YABVVU

Your OP is breathtakingly bereft of any compassion for this child or acknowledgement that he has a right to have his feelings considered. That on its own is unreasonable from a step-mother. It's also concerning to think that you and your husband see this boy so little and have this attitude to him, yet work with thousands of children each year. As others have said, you don't seem to realise that he is part of the family as much as you and your daughter are. You're quite happy to let him know he's unwelcome at a time when he may be feeling very anxious and you want to put a line through his precious week of contact with his father - partly because you think he'll have an unhealthy interest in your boobs.

There are no words.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 19:23

Babies are very unpredictable. You may as well continue as you normally do. None of mine came on the due date. Everyone has these problems with a second or subsequent child.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 13/08/2015 20:18

Well, I think the OP has left the building. If you're around, I hope you can rise to the occasion and support your husband in being the father he should be to the children from his first family.

I imagine it's very difficult to summon maternal feelings for a boy that you don't know and have met under difficult circumstances, but this is what you've signed up for.

Wigglebummunch · 13/08/2015 20:27

Well don't you sound like an amazing step mother. Why would you get with a man that has a child if you have that attitude about him. How can you feel uncomfortable with your husbands son being around whilst you breastfeed? He has every right to be there in his fathers home. He isn't going to sit there and watch you know!! I think you sound like a complete knobber and yes YABVVVU!

rollonthesummer · 13/08/2015 20:37

Your poor step son- put yourself in his shoes for one second and take a good long look at what sort of step
Mother you are being.

Goshthatsspicy · 13/08/2015 20:38

I'm so sad that there are adults like you - op you obviously have no idea about the damage and pain you might cause.
You may have gone now, but l sincerely hope you read your responses.

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