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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want dh to go too far

100 replies

K8eee · 12/08/2015 22:52

I'm due with dc2 6th November. dh is meant to have dss the week before for half term, but for practical reasons I don't think it would be far to have him. these are the reasons why. dss lives over 200 miles away so dh would have to have a night away before bringing dss home and the same when dropping him back. I don't fancy him being away incase I go into labour, as I have no friends or family who can drive me to the hospital and I have dd to look after too, so there isn't anyone apart from my parents who are 2.5 hours away who will be on standby. also, this probably sounds selfish on my behalf, but I want to know I can come home and feel comfortable in my own home once I've had ds. I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf. before anyone suggest my parents looking after dss if I go into labour, he has only met the 3 maybe 4 times, and he hardly knows them. I'm sure his mum wouldn't approve either.

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 13/08/2015 05:55

Although it's long your husband could do the journey in one day. How long are you breastfeeding? Will you be excluding him for that time? Could your parents get to know dss between now and then?

I know you want everything yo be perfect but he is part of your family too.

youareallbonkers · 13/08/2015 06:43

That's what i was going to say, stick him on the train

WayneRooneysHair · 13/08/2015 06:47

Stick who on the train, not the DSS surely?

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 07:02

People generally try their best to involve the older child so that they don't feel jealous when a sibling arrives - they don't banish him for weeks around the event!

you are a family of 4 - you seem to imagine that you have a family if 3 and an inconvenient visitor. Of course you are going to have to feed the baby in front of his brother - they take it completely normally - he us not going to 'gawp'.

If your parents have only met him 3 or 4 times you can change it - or are they going to pretend you are a family of 3 and that their grandchild doesn't have a sibling?

I think that the most important task is to start integrating the child you already have.

Totality22 · 13/08/2015 07:10

I am still wondering what you are insinuating with your comments about your stepson and how he compares to the "1000's" of kids you and your DH see? Are you suggesting some kind of medical issue? Or just that he is a immature with a unique personality?

Tryharder · 13/08/2015 07:18

Haven't read all thread yet but think YABVU.

When you have a DC2, are you going to make your DC1 leave home for a while so as not to spoil the homecoming or stare at your tits?

I didn't think so....

However, I don't see why a 200 mile drive involves overnight stays. It's perfectly doable in one day albeit tiring.

Chunkymonkey79 · 13/08/2015 07:39

Yabvu

Why do you assume a 9 year old kid will gawk at you breastfeeding? And even if he did, he is just a kid fgs Confused I bet it wouldn't bother you if he were your biological son. You need to start acting like he is part of your family, because HE IS. How would it make you feel to know your kids were treated like a nuisance visitor with your ex and their partner and contact was stopped due to the imminent arrival of a new child.

You can't stop your partner and his son having contact just because you may go into labour soon. Just come up with a plan for in the unlikely event you go into labour while your partner is away or your step son is with you. And that means including him in the arrival of HIS sibling.

pretend · 13/08/2015 07:43

If you don't want your partner to be away overnight, then he'll just have to do the journey in a one-er.

Easy

Next! Smile

(I'm not even going to comment on the fact that you want to exclude your DSS from the birth of his new sibling)

MythicalKings · 13/08/2015 07:45

YANBU. I don't see how people can say you are. You need DH there to take you to hospital not hundreds of miles away. The best solution would be for your parents to take care of both DCs but if SS's mum doesn't want that then she'll have to accept that he stays with her.

DH can fetch his DS for the weekend ASAP after the birth. Pick him up Friday, take him back Sunday. There and back in a day is perfectly do-able.

Higheredserf · 13/08/2015 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 07:49

I can. Ever get over the fact that someone chooses a partner and doesn't understand that they are not getting his child for life - and then goes on to think that he has nothing to do with their parents, extended family and then think they are having a first baby.
It might be possible while you only have the step child but now that you are giving him a sibling you need to treat both children equally.

Mehitabel6 · 13/08/2015 07:51

Sorry - I can never....( without full stop)

Idontseeanytimelords · 13/08/2015 07:52

YABU.
Poor lad, you've already decided he's going to be an inconvenience to you - he's a 9 year old boy who's going to find his place in the family changing and you want to make it even harder for him - and ultimately you and your DH. If you convince DH to not see him because of the new baby don't complain when he starts acting out while with you!
9 year olds are immature and almost every parent of one thinks that theirs is the oddest child they've ever met (been there, done that Grin).
Treat him as a human being and Talk To Him rather than an intruder into your home.
My boy was 10 and his other sister was 5 when their youngest sister was born - it can be hard to settle down again after a new baby when you have older children but frankly you really do need to just get on with it.
Ultimately if you push him out it will rebound onto you and damage his relationship with his father which is no less important than your relationship with your children.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 07:54

I still agree with mythical and the journey is do able in a day.

Op said her dd was born last year, so she's only a baby still, thats a different dynamic to having a nine year old in the house. He has different needs, could ask a lot of question ect, so I see were op is going with the breast feeding thing.

I'm sorry but I just think she's in her own home, just had a baby. She does need to make an effort to bond with her step son and no one is saying he is never going to come. Cant op just have the baby in peace before he comes to stay? Then they can all make more of an effort with him once things have died down.

I think this sort of thing can make a relationship between a step parent and child more strained.

AuntyMag10 · 13/08/2015 07:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 13/08/2015 08:02

Yes, mythicalkings, there and back in a day is perfectly doable - so at very worst, while picking up/dropping off dss, the op's dh will be 2.5hr drive away when she realises she's going into labour. Usually enough (if not plenty) of time to put the foot down and get back in time to meet op at the hospital. Hand dss over to op's dps (who will have dd anyway), and get on with supporting op having a baby.

If dss's mum doesn't like it she can either arrange to have him collected herself, or suck it up.

Why exclude the poor boy from the excitement of his new sibling arriving in the world??

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 13/08/2015 08:06

No, attitudes like yours are what causes strain in step families. What if the op's dh might want ALL HIS OWN CHILDREN together, at this special time? (Because God forbid the father's wishes should be taken into account??)

This poor boy is effectively being excluded from his own home because a new baby is coming along.

Shame on people who think that's a good attitude to take.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 13/08/2015 08:10

This thread is a great example of why "blended" families are a nightmare for the older kids.

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 08:12

Look, I understand what you are saying but all families are different! And I speaking from personal experience- I WAS the step child in this situation.

From what the op has said, I gather that work still needs to be done on her relationship with her dss. I just think waiting a bit til the baby arrives would be better for them!

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 13/08/2015 08:21

Fwiw, I've been both the older (and only) step child in a blended family, and a step parent to two dscs, with four children of my own (with DH), and I still can't see how it could be in any way beneficial for the dss to be excluded from the arrival of his new sibling. Beneficial for the op......?

But then that's the crux of it, I don't really think the issue was ever how far away the DH might be, but whether the dss would be there.

Idontseeanytimelords · 13/08/2015 08:28

Frankly after the first child you don't get the same opportunity to relax with a new baby anyway, family life gets in the way of that!
I don't like the way you write about him - insinuating he's 'odd in his own little way' and will be gawping at your breasts - he's a child, why would you think that about a young boy?
Considering you deal with so many children every year why are you being so blind as to the potential affect your attitude to this can have on your own step son?

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 08:38

goodbye it was a nightmare for me, because my dad had a similar view to most of the posters on this thread.

Yes its beneficial to the op (she's just had a baby what's wrong with that?)
But has anyone thought about what the nine year old dss might feel about all this. It might just be possible that he doesn't really want to be looked after by his step mum's parents, or be around when the new baby comes home sibling or not! He might find it boring in the house, or want some time alone with his dad, who will have other things to think about and do. It might even lead to him getting off to a bad start with his new sibling. Its not the same as two biological parents welcoming a second biological child with a child of their own already. Its different, we don't know what op's relationship with her DSS is like- not as good as it could be judging by the op.

So instead of shoving everyone together for the sake of happy families. Why not just take their time, no one is being excluded! Have him to stay later on and properly introduce him to his new sibling. Don't just drop him into it like that, don't forget he lives 200 miles away and only sees his dad on occasion!

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 13/08/2015 08:44

But has anyone thought about what the nine year old dss might feel about all this. It might just be possible that he doesn't really want to be looked after by his step mum's parents, or be around when the new baby comes home sibling or not!

Well, sure - I doubt he wants to be looked after by his step-grandparents because according to the OP they are "uncomfortable" with this arrangement as well.

He may well have cottoned onto the fact that his father's new family aren't that keen on him, so you might be right.

Idontseeanytimelords · 13/08/2015 08:50

That's a good point ollie, has anyone actually talked to the boy?

ollieplimsoles · 13/08/2015 09:03

I just know how I felt when this happened to me.
My dad wanted all of us together, my step mum was up for it and is a lovely woman, but it was a massive strain for us all once the baby was actually there. She had really bad colic, I was bored and tired and wanted to go home to my mum! My step mum was exhausted and although she did her best, I could tell she would have just rather had some time to get used to the new baby. My dad was run ragged too because he felt like he had to keep me 'entertained' I felt singled out as a step child when my step mums family came to visit the new baby too.

Everyone tried their best but it would have been easier on me to wait a bit.