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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want dh to go too far

100 replies

K8eee · 12/08/2015 22:52

I'm due with dc2 6th November. dh is meant to have dss the week before for half term, but for practical reasons I don't think it would be far to have him. these are the reasons why. dss lives over 200 miles away so dh would have to have a night away before bringing dss home and the same when dropping him back. I don't fancy him being away incase I go into labour, as I have no friends or family who can drive me to the hospital and I have dd to look after too, so there isn't anyone apart from my parents who are 2.5 hours away who will be on standby. also, this probably sounds selfish on my behalf, but I want to know I can come home and feel comfortable in my own home once I've had ds. I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf. before anyone suggest my parents looking after dss if I go into labour, he has only met the 3 maybe 4 times, and he hardly knows them. I'm sure his mum wouldn't approve either.

OP posts:

Original poster

K8eee · 12/08/2015 23:18

Last time when dd was born we saw dss in the Feb half term, then dd was born early April and I had a week or so until he came and stayed with us. his mum brought him down, dh paid her fuel costs, but she doesn't want to do the driving anymore.

OP posts:

PaulAnkaTheDog · 12/08/2015 23:19

But surely he will eventually see you breastfeeding? I'm sorry but I just don't think it is fair or acceptable to exclude a child from your home. Especially one that you describe as 'immature' so may be quite sensitive.

I understand that it is a stressful time but dss is still a child in your family. He has every right to be there. Could you not buy him a new computer game or something for the time he is there? Extend his play time. A treat for him and peace for you.

verystressedmum · 12/08/2015 23:20

If you go into labour when dss is there your parents will be coming to look after your dd won't they just watch dss too? You say he hardly knows them but will he even be that bothered for a few hours or a day? If his mother doesn't approve she can come and get him and sort the mileage on her car herself. If you explain to her she can choose to agree or make other arrangements.
So, problem solved except...you don't really want him there so you're looking for excuses. Your dh has another child and he loves that child just like he loves his children with you. Don't come between that.

VodkaValiumLattePlease · 12/08/2015 23:22

Why is there 200 in between his parents? Who moved?

Griphook · 12/08/2015 23:23

If ds's doesn't know your parente very well surely that can be changed between now and then?

If your DH ex is the problem then I think its fair to give her a list of options, ie if I go into labour ds will be looked after by.... Or.... Ir we are unable to have him.

But honestly I can see massive problems for him down the line if he feels pushed out by you and rejected by his dad.

How often does he visit?

EatShitDerek · 12/08/2015 23:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SavoyCabbage · 12/08/2015 23:23

A nine year old would surely be perfectly happy at his own father's house with his own sister even if he was being looked after by someone he doesn't know well.

You are making excuses to ensure he is not around in my opinion. Why didn't you send your dd away for a month to your mother so she is out of the way too?

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:24

Can't you arrange it like this again?

I think it would be better for your relationship with dss if you had a week or so to settle with your new baby before he comes to stay. After giving birth you may be sensitive and snappy with him/ it could cause arguments between you and dh and spoil the atmosphere with the new baby for everyone. Wouldn't he want to come see you more when the new baby has arrived, instead of having to share his dad with a heavily pregnant and possibly over- emotional woman (no offense meant there op)

scarlets · 12/08/2015 23:24

Going against the grain - yanbu. I understand your worries about the practicalities. I would arrange for your parents to stay over on the nights your OH will be away, so that your dad can drive you to hosp and your mum can look after DC or vice versa.

Breastfeed in your bedroom. Whatever makes you feel comfortable. Your OH might take the older two out and about, leaving you in peace with the baby for a few hours.

SillyStuffBiting · 12/08/2015 23:27

Why does he only see his son in the school holidays?

WorraLiberty · 12/08/2015 23:28

I don't fancy a 9 year old gawping at me whilst I whip my boob out to bf.

Oh get over yourself for goodness sake.

Why would anyone of any age want to 'gawp' at your tits? Let alone a child

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:28

DSS's mum is being U for not wanting your parent's to look after him... what does she want you to do if you go into labour, bring DSS with you and sit him in the delivery room?

IfNotNowThenWhen · 12/08/2015 23:34

You are being unreasonable. You are due in November. Plenty of time for you to organise your parents getting to know your stepson in that time, in case they need to take him with your daughter when you go into labour. Shouldn't they be getting to know him anyway?
I didn't like the "gawping" comment either. He will be curious, so what, explain it to him. My 9 year old has seen lots of women breastfeeding and thinks it's mildly interesting, but probably wouldn't gawp, he has better things to do.
I wouldn't have a child with a man if I didn't like his dc, or want them to be a part of my family.

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:36

Honestly OP I'm not being a bitch for the sake of an AIBU piley-on. I had to have a lot of words with myself in the early days about my feeelings towards my stepchildren. I have 3. It's difficult and it takes adjustments but it's not right to pick the ones that are all yours biologically and prioritise them over the ones that aren't. If you had a sensitive awkward 9 yo of your own you'd have to deal with it. For the sake of argument, you do a have one. You can't keep coming up with convoluted excuses in order to exclude him. And I promise you, he's not interested in your tits.

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:37

Clearly I need to have a word with myself about my spelling, geez.

ollieplimsoles · 12/08/2015 23:42

I had to have a lot of words with myself in the early days about my feeelings towards my stepchildren. I have 3. It's difficult and it takes adjustments

This is all I am thinking about too. I know in an ideal world, step parents would just be able to bond magically with their SDCs but it takes time on both parts. You can't just snap your fingers and instantly gain maternal feelings for a child that isn't biologically yours, that just the way it is.

Choosing to keep the DSS away for a bit longer while you have your new baby isn't about choosing the new baby over him. Its about recovering from childbirth and bonding alone with your new baby. Yes he has a right to see his dad but op has a right to enjoy some peace and quiet in her own home with a new dc.

coolaschmoola · 12/08/2015 23:42

Completely baffled by the need to stay overnight for a 200 miles each way trip.... 400 miles is perfectly doable in a day, with rest stops and comfort breaks.

TooOldForGlitter · 12/08/2015 23:46

It does take time, it did but I completely threw myself into everything with them from day one. No excluding. No separation. It had to be the same, equal, or I'd be a really shit person. I knew he had kids, I got involved. Up to ME to deal with. Not them.

Happfeet2911 · 12/08/2015 23:51

I never wanted OH anywhere near me while I gave birth, grossly over rated, give me a well trained midwife any day. Just get on and have the sprog and see how he deals with it, he has children already so don't expect too much hands on stuff.

Moodyblue1 · 12/08/2015 23:54

I don't think it's fair for your dss or DH to not see each other because you are having a new baby. This will be his brother or sister too and shouldn't feel pushed aside because it doesn't suit you.

We have a similar situation coming up, I'm due to have our baby in the October half term when my DS usually goes to visit his dad and step mum, he still wants to see them so we have arranged for them to travel halfway (around 200 miles) and meet DH. He will do that journey and back in one go an overnighter isn't needed. Can your DH do it in one go perhaps? Or dss's mum possibly get a train down and meet somewhere in the middle? I think she does need to give and take a little too, he would be fine with your DM if you went into labour.

Sometimes I see posts on here that make me thank my lucky stars that my DS has such a wonderful step mum, I'd hate for him to feel in any way pushed out because he doesn't fit in with his dad's current life plans.

mynewpassion · 13/08/2015 01:13

I can understand why you don't want him to be adar distance away but how about a compromise? He goes up a weekend or two before half term to spend time with his son and then go another weekend after you give birth but before the Christmas holiday.

PtolemysNeedle · 13/08/2015 04:39

YABU. Whatever your step sons personality and maturity levels are like, you have no right to try and stop him from seeing his father just because you're due a baby.

Yes it would be horrible for you if you had to do some or all of your labour without your husband, but you are the adult here, you are the one who made a choice to get pregnant knowing that your husband already had a commitment to another child who isn't yours (or your parents grand child) so if there are consequences to that then they are yours to take. They are not the responsibility of a 9 yo child.

You will be fine and get over it if you have to labour alone, but a parent rejecting a child during already limited contact time is something that could have long lasting emotional consequences. Stop being self centred and deal with the situation you chose without upsetting a child who had no choice in the matter.

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 13/08/2015 05:37

No one who already has d&v

WhereTheFuckIsMyFuckingCoat · 13/08/2015 05:43

Stupid fat fingers!!

Try again.... No one who already has dc &/or dsc has the 'right' to time alone without those children to bond alone with a new dc ffs! The pre existing dc and dsc have the right to be in their own parents' home, and have the right to meet and bond with their new sibling. Let's suppose your dh suggests your dd stays with her grandparents for a few weeks to give him some peace to bond with the new baby? That'd be fine with you?

You have weeks to make your dsc comfortable with your dps should he be there when you go into labour, and if his mother's not happy with that she'll need to make arrangements to collect him.

Oh and either use a muslin, or nip to your bedroom to breastfeed.

paxtecum · 13/08/2015 05:44

Could the journey be done by train?

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