To say no to outings/ treats for DS(9) until DD(4) gets one too?

[DrSeuss]

DH aunt has no children and has always shown a strong interest in DS. We are very grateful for this as my parents are dead and DH's are three hundred miles away. Since he was a toddler, she has taken him out for day trips, as he has grown up she has had him to stay for a couple of nights three or four times a year. He adores her, she adores him. She always plans something special, be it at home, (she lives an hour away) or an activity. As I said, we are very grateful for her care for our son and try never to abuse it.
However, DD scarcely gets a look in. In the last two years, she has had two three hour trips to the local park, both of which she has had to share with her brother.
Auntie said she would take her out more when she was four and fully potty trained ( potty training was delayed for various reasons but she is now fully dry day and night.). She turned four in May. Auntie knows all of this. I imagine that some people will think I am being entitled but it isn't that I think Auntie should look after my children. She has always volunteered to take DS out or have him to stay, we have never asked.
Auntie now wants DS to visit for a few days next week. No invite for DD to go anywhere. AIBU to say that this time, DD goes for a special day out before DS goes anywhere? As yet, DD has not noticed the discrepancy but it can only be a matter of time till she begins to wonder.
As the un-favourite child of my mother, I spent thirty years coming a poor second to my amazing brother. Maybe I am reading too much into this? I just don't want DD to ever ask why she can't have trips and treats with Auntie when her brother can.

and I dont think your DD would notice, at this age, unless you made a deal of it.
you are projecting your own

jealousy

Wilting's attitude seems good to me.Life is not fair.

As a great aunt who loves to post little gifts all over the globe,I try to be even handed ,but I know what the childrens' interests are,so buy accordingly.Don't know if mothers think 'unfair' and I don't care.I try to do what each individual child would like.

Careful OP auntie may well think 'go to hell' as I did when I was told not to get sisters matching cardies again.

just a quick point - for those who were treated differently by relatives outside of the home was it really the different treatment that did the damage or that you didn't understand it and internalised it in strange ways? re: if you'd had parents who did treat you equally and bothered to understand and care about you enough to understand your feelings about aunty/uncle/whoever treating a sibling differently and explained it to you and empathised would there have been any damage actually?

unless you consider that angle you're really not comparing like with like. unequal treatment by other adults in the context of loving parents who help you express your feelings and understand what's going on is really not the same as unequal treatment when your parents also treat you unequally or lack the emotional intelligence or interest to help you with your feelings and understanding of things.

I dislike favouritism on whatever grounds, age, sex, personality of children. Of course your DS adores Aunt, she spoils him and makes a great deal effort. Maybe as she has no DC of her own there is a sense of his being a surrogate child, how she would have imagined a child of hers to be.

I think that if DrSeuss wants to change the situation she should. It seems that Aunt asks to have DS to stay, all DrSeuss has to say is that she thinks that now is an appropriate time to change things a bit, as DD is now 4 and Aunt did say she would start taking her out when she was potty trained. She could suggest outings for them all and Aunt could come to their home to get to know DD better before DD starts any overnight stays. Do be prepared for DD to not want to go with this woman who has thus far shown no interest in her.

I think if it is still obvious that Aunt is favouring DS and not making any effort with DD, even in your presence, you should limit contact to only while one or both parents are with the DC, both of them, including overnight stays. Although I think these will stop if one or both parents will be there. I agree that DS will be doing more stuff as he gets older and will be less inclined to spend that much time with her, preferring to pursue his own hobbies and interests. You aren't stopping Aunt from seeing DS, you are just altering the type of contact to make it fairer, and you could also suggest that you think having both DC together would be too much for her to comfortably manage (leaving it to you to mention her age as a factor!) You could ask her not to give presents outside Christmas and birthdays, unless it is something for everyone to share, say that you have noticed the gifts she gives him when he has been to stay and that is very kind, but you feel it's unfair to spoil one child and not the other.

gotthemoinstick that is totally different. Op and her dh should alter the contact if they feel that their dd is not being treated by Aunt, why shou,d she suck it up, as a little child, her parents quite rightly want to protect her from this favouritism. If Aunt feels to hell with it, that's her issue.

Good pointsgirlywhirly.

I think people are forgetting this is a great-aunt (a distant relative with no obligations to the family)... she's not a parent or grandparent who must treat all children equally. Great-aunts are more like godmothers.

If DD struck up a friendship with an elderly neighbour, who wanted to look after her for a few hours now and then, would you insist neighbour had your DS round too? What if neighbour bought your DD little presents, would you insist she bought 2 of everything in case your DS felt left out? Suppose this neighbour liked to bake cookies with DD, plant things in the garden together, teach her how to knit? Would you ban their friendship because it doesn't include your DS and is therefore favouritism? Or would you be happy for DD?

it is still obvious that Aunt is favouring DS and not making any effort with DD
But she is making an effort. GA buys both children Christmas and birthday presents. She has taken DD out a few times with DS, so it's not as if she pretends DD doesn't exist. If GA takes DS on an outing and wants to buy him a toy, why should she have to buy 2 of everything? Why shouldn't she get him the odd bag of sweets, book or toy, without having to send him home with an extra one for his sister? She has a special bond with him because she's known him longer and helped raise him.

auntie may well think 'go to hell'
Yes exactly.
OP I think if you make demands that your GA treats your DD the same, buys her more gifts etc, GA is likely to feel offended, may back off from your family and DS will lose out on his relationship with GA. He will probably resent his sister as being the cause of it.
I think if you raise this with GA at all you need to be very tactful and gentle, say you appreciate all the effort she goes to for DS but you'd rather she doesn't give him extra presents as it makes DD jealous. However I think it would be better to say nothing, and instead explain to DD that DS and GA have a special friendship because they've known each other much longer.
Re sweets, it seems petty and overdramatic to insist she provides 2 bags or none at all... there's nothing to stop DS sharing them with his sister! At 9 he shouldn't need to be told to share them.

I also think GA will naturally show more interest in DD as she gets older and more mature. As others have said, DS is likely to lose interest in spending so much time with GA as he gets older, so things might even out naturally.

It's a difficult situation.
Auntie obviously feels a special affinity with DS that simply isn't there in her relationship with DD. And you cannot do anything about that.
She gives DD presents on her birthday and Christmas, and she takes DS out and has him to stay over. As DD grows, she will develop friendships that have nothing to do with her brother, will go places and stay over with friends. The difficulty here is the family relationship and the age gap.
It would be nice if Auntie offered the same trips and stays to both children. But she doesn't. And you cannot force her to "treat them both the same" or deprive your DS of a mutually loving relationship.
I would mention giving a gift to one child when both have visited - that is clearly a case of "both or neither". One bag of sweets between two is fine as well.
You can't force Auntie to feel the same way about both children. It's sad that she doesn't treat them equally, but you cannot change that. YOu can mention that you feel a little sad for DD and see what she says? But please don't deprive your DS of this lovely and special friendship he has with her - or vice versa

TheHoneyBadger (lovely name, by the way!) - I agree with you completely. "Favouritism" from a great aunt is not, in my view comparable to unequal treatment from parents, for the reasons you give. Children view the world through their parents, and the OP can explain this situation to her daughter in whichever terms she thinks best when the need arises - and make up for it by doing special things with her daughter. It is totally different where a parent has a favourite - they count most in a child's life and there is no other close, comforting figure to explain or excuse it in any way.

At the moment, the little girl is four - very easy to distract even if she notices the situation, which I would doubt. As I said in my earlier post, this situation may well resolve itself in time without any intervention from the OP. The nine-year-old will develop new, independent interests (especially if encouraged!), and the aunt may well be glad to develop a stronger relationship with his sister.