To say no to outings/ treats for DS(9) until DD(4) gets one too?

[DrSeuss]

DH aunt has no children and has always shown a strong interest in DS. We are very grateful for this as my parents are dead and DH's are three hundred miles away. Since he was a toddler, she has taken him out for day trips, as he has grown up she has had him to stay for a couple of nights three or four times a year. He adores her, she adores him. She always plans something special, be it at home, (she lives an hour away) or an activity. As I said, we are very grateful for her care for our son and try never to abuse it.
However, DD scarcely gets a look in. In the last two years, she has had two three hour trips to the local park, both of which she has had to share with her brother.
Auntie said she would take her out more when she was four and fully potty trained ( potty training was delayed for various reasons but she is now fully dry day and night.). She turned four in May. Auntie knows all of this. I imagine that some people will think I am being entitled but it isn't that I think Auntie should look after my children. She has always volunteered to take DS out or have him to stay, we have never asked.
Auntie now wants DS to visit for a few days next week. No invite for DD to go anywhere. AIBU to say that this time, DD goes for a special day out before DS goes anywhere? As yet, DD has not noticed the discrepancy but it can only be a matter of time till she begins to wonder.
As the un-favourite child of my mother, I spent thirty years coming a poor second to my amazing brother. Maybe I am reading too much into this? I just don't want DD to ever ask why she can't have trips and treats with Auntie when her brother can.

I don't think you should stop ds going this time (it might look a bit petty) but before he goes you should have a conversation with her, and explain that now dd is four she is going to realise that they are treated differently.

So that in future, if she wants to take ds places she will have to think about taking dd as well - not together, but doing something with her. Explain it doesn't have to be the same thing but if she isn't willing to do anything with your dd she is going to have to accept that both your children will notice.

A friend of mine did this for years with her sister's oldest child. Interestingly as the child got to about ten he himself realised that his aunt didn't like his siblings, and rather than being pleased at being singled out, he began to resent her. She got very upset about it - but he was right; she didn't like his siblings and he didn't like the fact that she was unfair.

My mum never took all my children together, she enjoyed them much more one at a time, but she was scrupulously fair about taking all of them.

If she were his godmother, would you insist that dd gets equivalent to ds from her? (One of my aunts would get her gd lovely presents but the gd's mum insisted that the gd's sister get the same. Consequence was neither of them got stuff and it was given to me instead. )

My brothers both had great godparents who gave fab presents and took them out for birthday and Xmas treats. My godparents would buy me prayer books.

I absolutely understood since as far back as I can remember that different godparents, different people, meant different treatment. It didn't bother me at all. Maybe because both my brothers were very kind and shared things.

Can you do special dd days with her? My oarents would try to give me a treat when my brothers had them from godparents. I remember being taken to the ballet and the opera, many times, while my brothers were off doing things. I preferred the ballet and opera.

YABU, your son shouldn't suffer because you've decided your daughter will be, or should be, upset about it.

If you're worried, talk to your Aunt and mention that you're worried your daughter will start to think she's being excluded. Your Aunt has had a much longer relationship with your son and obviously feels a tighter bond with him than your daughter right now. You could try asking, or withholding your son, but I feel that it will just breed resentment when she is spending time with your DD, that it's "forced" and because she "had to"... I don't think that benefits anyone.

Be careful you don't overcompensate with your daughter because of this perceived slight. It hurts far more when a parent is the one who favours one child over the other... and yes, I speak from experience. One of my siblings was the one constantly getting attention because they didn't want her to feel bad about not being like the rest of us. Not having your achievements as rewarded so as not to make someone else feel bad is bullshit.

Yabu, your dc can have different relationship with the same person and it will not cause ime any deep, lasting damage to either DC.
As others have said make that time you and your daughter have special, this alone time with you will be seen a big treat to dd who has always had to share you with her db.

From experience with my dc and the relationships that they have developed with relatives and close family friends it is possible for children to have different relationships and treats without the dc feeling better or excluded etc.

Quite a few people are making the point that 9 year olds are easier to cope with that 4 year olds. Family members aren't supposed to take kids out just because they're at an easier age. If she loves your kids, she should be treating them equally, even if she doesn't truly feel that way. You are not being unreasonable to want to nip this in the bud before your kids notice. As they will.

My father favoured my sister and my aunt favoured her too (when we were younger). My sister is five years older, so she was definitely at a more mature level of behaviour before I was, and she has always been prettier and more stylish. My aunt used to ring up, speak to her and not me, and take her along on her dates to impress them - no equivalent time for me. After my sister got old enough to cotton on to what was going on, she stopped going, and these days my aunt actually favours me instead (sister can't stand her, plus aunt has developed into an intellectual snob and now decides she prefers me, as the more bookish and academic one). I still remember crying to my parents because Aunty so plainly preferred my sister, and now I'm pissed off that she's decided she prefers me.

YANBU. Your kids have the right at least to believe that they are loved equally by all, even if they are different ages or genders. Aunt may not be able to help preferring one but she doesn't have to show it.

Family members aren't supposed to take kids out just because they're at an easier age

family members are not required to take any kids out at all.

relationships are personal, you can't treat children as if they are all the same, no two children are the same. You can treat children as if they are equal. Aunt takes DS out and they develop a close and loving relationship, mum does the same with DD - completely equal.

relationships are based on individual personalities, not force, duty and measuring

Well while it would be nice for the OP and her daughter to have a day out, why not invite auntie too to foster a relationship?

I think you are projecting way to much here and YABU.
She is not you - their mother. And what she does will not have the same impact. She has a special relationship with your DS and that's fair enough. She has had your DD just not as much.
If you are rude enough to complain about it she may just say forget it, then no one wins.

God I can understand why you are upset about this but you can't really force these things. Even if you manage to get her to take your dd or apparently treat her similarly no doubt there will be a million tells that the aunt prefers her brother and your dad will know well what is going on, plus you risk quite separately ruining the bond she has with ds.

Would you not just explain to your dd as she gets older that some people have special friendships/ connections and give her some special time out with you? Far better for her to be with someone who enjoys her and wants to be with her than with someone who just isn't that interested in her.

It's up to you to spin it, there is no need to go around making it all about gender or some big deal that makes your dd feel excluded.

Stupid phone; DD not dad!

sleep that is your adult way of looking at it. Dd and ds can both have special time with mum, but it is only ds having special time with Aunt and getting treated. There are many on here who have had similar treatment with parents, grandparents and other relatives and it hurts even as adults. If she sees ds get rears of Aunt and she is being left out, it is not right, it is up to op and her dh to address this. You just cannot do this, give dd a bit of a look in too.

I think YABU.

You can't force your GA to love your DD and DS equally and if she pretends, your DD will see through it. I disagree children have a 'right' to be loved equally by all relatives (other than their parents) because special bonds can't be forced. It takes years to build up this type of rapport, and sometimes people just don't click. The same way children have favourite relatives or love one aunt more than another aunt... would you try to force your children to love all relatives equally?

It's natural GA is closer to your DS, she's known him 5 years longer and spent lots of 1-1 time with him as a young child. Maybe now she doesn't have the time, energy or inclination to do the same with DD. Maybe she finds DD irritating or hard work, or feels DD comes between her and DS if she has to take them both out. Maybe she feels DS needs her more than DD, or understands him better, or sees more of herself in him.

I have a close bond with my cousin's 8-year-old DD1, I've known her since she was born, used to babysit a lot and take her out. When she was tiny I was a student so had lots of free time to do fun things with her. Now I have a much busier life, am pregnant, tired, have other commitments... but I try to take DD1 for special outings when I can. However I don't take her younger sister DD2 (age 3) and have no intention to start doing so any time soon. I haven't bonded with her in same way. She is at an age when she needs lots of attention and entertainment; if I'm honest I find her quite irritating and exhausting on a 1-1. She has a very different personality to DD1 (DD1 is quiet and thoughtful, DD2 is loud and likes to show-off). If my cousin started expecting me to take them both out I'd think it quite rude. I'm not providing free childcare, I'm spending quality 1-1 time with a child I've cared for since birth, who will always be special to me. (Obviously I always make a fuss of both girls when I'm at their house, I buy them both presents at Xmas and birthdays, I sometimes join them on family days out and help equally with both children... but 1-1 outings are different. I don't feel I can safely manage both of them at once, and I want to spend my (limited) time with DD1.) Also, when DD2 was born DD1 became very jealous and felt pushed-out, so I felt she needed me more than ever. She still gets possessive over me around her sister... I'm happy to continue being her 'special auntie' and my cousin seems very happy with this too.

If you try to force your GA to take your DD out as well as DS, GA is likely to withdraw from DS and DS will lose out on a very special, precious relationship. I think it's lovely she gives up her time for DS and nurtures this relationship. He will benefit greatly from it.

Rather than make a big deal out of it or make demands on GA, I suggest gently explaining to your DD that GA has known DS much longer and they need time alone together. In time your DD may develop a special bond with a different relative or family friend, or she may develop her own special bond with GA as she gets older.

Lovely posts lilac
Also I think its really lovely and special for the older child to get some full attention as younger ones naturally can naturally demand more time of adults in the family.

Thank you all for your thoughts.
I know that you can't force these things. Actually, I 'm not sure that Aunt is even aware that there could be an issue. I will try to find a tactful way to bring the subject up. However, if there are no trips for DD with Aunt, then there is only me. We have no other family anywhere near us. I read a lot of threads about adults who feel left out from trips, activities, dinners etc. if adults feel hurt at being left out, why would a child just understand, even if I try to explain?

So you won't consider bringing auntie and daughter out to grow their familiarity with each other?

Certainly I will. It's a good idea, just complicated logistically. There is no one to leave DS with for five days of every week until around 7.30 pm when DH gets home from work. And I do mean, no one. No other family.

YANBU. There are lots of good reasons why the aunt might prefer to take an older child out than a younger one, but when you add in the family history of favouring boys it seems unlikely. Hopefully once it is pointed out to her she will start to make more of an effort with your DD.

it's very likely that DD would think special time with her mum is the bee's knees, much better than time with the GA.

Is it? Why? At age 4 the chances are that being on her own with mum whilst brother is at school is pretty much the normal state of affairs rather than being anything special.

I agree with spicyfajitas and DeeWe. Let DS go and make a day of it for DD.

Well while it's true that 9 year olds are easier ot deal with than 4 year olds, it doesn't sound like the Aunt only offered trips to the older DC once they reached an easier age, but also did trips when DC1 was a 4 year old. If she was happy to take DC1 out at the age of 4, then why not take DC2 out at the age of 4? I can see not wanting to deal with 2 of them, but then she could take just the youngest now and then.

Favouritism does get noticed, and probably earlier than you would think. If someone in the family isn't going to treat your DCs the same, long term it's more damaging to your DC1 to have their relationship with their sibling undermined than to miss out on a relationship with their Great Aunt.

I think you are reading too much into it based on your past.

All of us would choose to spend time with an established friend rather than a hard work new relationship.
Let your son enjoy himself and don't deprive him of something he has built up now.

I can understand why you feel upset on your DDs behalf, but I don't think that making ultimatums is going to resolve the problem in a good way.

IME these inter generational 'friendships' are very special, and can give such a lot to the participants and I don't think you should interfere too much, As PPs have said, you wouldn't insist that DSs other friends had to be friends with your DD.

Why don't you arrange an outing/meal you can all attend together, and maybe the aunt will come around soon.

I think there's a massive difference between a parent, and a great aunt. Your mother's behaviour was downright emotionally abusive, but a great aunt is not the same role in your children's lives.

She has a special bond with your son that for whatever reason she doesn't with your daughter. In your situation, I'd focus on the time she has DS as time you can do something special and meaningful with DD yourself, one to one. To most kids, that's the ultimate, anyway.

^^This.

She isn't their granny. Treat it as a kind of Godparent relationship. You wouldn't question that.

Dropped by Aunt's yesterday just very briefly. No opportunity to discuss, a flying visit as we were passing. Today I discovered a large bag of sweets in DS's bag, given by Aunt. DD received nothing. I asked if he was told the sweets were for sharing. No.

YABU.As a parent you have to treat your children the same but you can't expect other people to.Your aunt is being very good to your DS.You have no right to force or even guilt your aunt into taking out your 4 yo.She will probably just say 'stuff it' and stop treating your DS.Anyhow I cannot see anything in your post to even suggest your DD has expressed a problem with the status Quo.Stop projecting!