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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to outings/ treats for DS(9) until DD(4) gets one too?

110 replies

DrSeuss · 12/08/2015 20:20

DH aunt has no children and has always shown a strong interest in DS. We are very grateful for this as my parents are dead and DH's are three hundred miles away. Since he was a toddler, she has taken him out for day trips, as he has grown up she has had him to stay for a couple of nights three or four times a year. He adores her, she adores him. She always plans something special, be it at home, (she lives an hour away) or an activity. As I said, we are very grateful for her care for our son and try never to abuse it.
However, DD scarcely gets a look in. In the last two years, she has had two three hour trips to the local park, both of which she has had to share with her brother.
Auntie said she would take her out more when she was four and fully potty trained ( potty training was delayed for various reasons but she is now fully dry day and night.). She turned four in May. Auntie knows all of this. I imagine that some people will think I am being entitled but it isn't that I think Auntie should look after my children. She has always volunteered to take DS out or have him to stay, we have never asked.
Auntie now wants DS to visit for a few days next week. No invite for DD to go anywhere. AIBU to say that this time, DD goes for a special day out before DS goes anywhere? As yet, DD has not noticed the discrepancy but it can only be a matter of time till she begins to wonder.
As the un-favourite child of my mother, I spent thirty years coming a poor second to my amazing brother. Maybe I am reading too much into this? I just don't want DD to ever ask why she can't have trips and treats with Auntie when her brother can.

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 16/08/2015 22:11

YANBU. The sweets were really horrible - she's 4, she'll see he's got sweets and she hasn't. Either they both go and they both get sweets/no sweets, or neither of them go. TBH her thinking the sweets thing was ok would be a red flag to me that she'd treat them differently even if she did take both of them, and that's really unfair and horrible for dd. I think I would end the outings and stop this becoming a problem right now.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 17/08/2015 17:58

The sweets were given to him without either me or DH being aware of it. I found them buried in his bag. I think he is telling the truth. He returns from every visit with a new toy, book or clothes. There is never a gift for DD unless it is Christmas or her birthday. Still think I'm imagining it?

OP posts:
TRexingInAsda · 17/08/2015 18:40

You're not imagining it, there's something wrong with this woman. Clearly even if you're there and watching for it you can't stop her showing favouritism, so ywnbu to stop the visits. In fact, YWBU to let them continue.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 18:41

That's not fair DrSeuss, that is something you will need to address before dd starts noticing, as she will and it will hurt very much.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 18:43

It is likely, considering what you said about her buying treats for ds and nit dd, that those sweets were just meant for ds, not dd Sad.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 18:45

If it means limiting the visits, so be it. Has ds noticed that his sister gets treated differently to him?

DeeWe · 17/08/2015 20:39

I still don't think it's as big a deal to your dd as you think it is.

When the 4yo goes to a party she'll get a party bag which is hers for example.

Dd1 has a godmother that sends more presents just for her than the other godparents put together.
Dd2 has a couple of friends who tend to invite her out whenever they're doing something fun.
Ds and me do a sport together that we spend time just us. Once or twice we'll even have an ice cream on the way home.

Guess what? They all think they've got the best deal and wouldn't swap with the others.

wiltingfast · 17/08/2015 20:57

So what OP. Life is full of people having preferential relationships. You would do better to show your dd that it is a normal part of life and give her means of coping with it IF and WHEN she gives a toss than insisting the relationship between your ds and aunt cease.

You are creating some of this dynamic here with your attitude to it. Intrigue suspicion questions, over a bag of sweets Hmm you are giving both your children a bad example of coping with very normal things. Your ds will feel guilty and put upon and resentful that his lovely relationship with his aunt is being spoiled and made into something he should be ashamed of. The whole thing is being presented to your dd as one of exclusion and a lack of value for her.

It's all extremely negative and as far as I can tell it is coming from you.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 21:28

Op I would address this, it I sent nice, it can creat hurt that dd can carry through to adulthood. I would wait Mabey until she does notice before bringing it up. Op you are not making it a big deal, there people on here who have really been hurt on here and it has affected them. This lady is an Aunt, a relative! What if it were grandparents, woukd that still be fair. It is only right that Aunt makes a bit of effort with dd too, Mabey not on the scale of ds, but tries a bit harder. She us the adult here.

CrapBag · 17/08/2015 21:37

What a load of shit wilting. Life is not full of people being favoured over you. It is only in a family that this sort of bullshit happens and only happens when a parent doesn't pul the relative up on it.

OP you need to tell her this favouritism stops as you and your DH are not happy with your DD being left out and she is coming to an age where she will notice and you won't have her feeling as you did growing up.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 21:47

exactly crap op was the less favoured child and as can see, it has really affected her. Why should a little child just suck it up, you are the parent, whilst they are little you protect them as much as you can from crap like this. It can really apbatter a child's self esteem and self worth. Op us nit asking for the same relationship between ds and Aunt, but Aunt puts some effort into dd. it's really rubbish that a grown adult can treat a child this way. When I see my nephew and niece, I buy both if them treats, nit just one, it woukd nit enter my head nit to.

wiltingfast · 17/08/2015 22:18

Shite. People have friends, people have lovers, people get on better with some than others. People do not get on equally.

It's a pile of nonsense to pretend otherwise and no one is fooled.

You cannot force a relationship. Aunty gets on better with ds. So what. Does op not think her dd will get on better with others at times than her ds? Will she interfere in those relationships too? Op cannot control this and anyway it is normal for people to have special relationships.

Aeroflotgirl · 17/08/2015 22:24

wilting you sound quite detached and cold, we are talking about a young child here. She does not need that emotional shit to contend with. What if she has no special relationship with anyone, to treat her like ds is treated by Aunt. Who by the way, is Aunt to BOTH children, not just ds. It is up to op as dd mother to look out for her whilst she is little, it is only right Aunt makes some effort with her niece.

Lymmmummy · 17/08/2015 23:21

I would do softly approach of inviting her to outings at which both children are present - so she can get to like your daughter more through getting to know her and perhaps slightly reduce her access to your son on a one to one basis

Perhaps you are reading a gender bias into it because of your own experience - perhaps she likes his personality or feels she can mange him easier than your younger child - perhaps she feels too tired to deal with the younger child and this may have been the same if the younger child was also a boy- it sounds as if she is kindly offering some support and kindness to you at a time not many other people are - and she is a great aunt not a grandma so I think it's pretty great that she is making this kind of effort- I think you just have to accept her as she is and encourage the relationship with your daughter but accept she may have a closer relationship to your son. if you really think she is being unacceptable in favouring your son to the extent it could damage your DD sense of herself then that's clearly different - but I am not sure that you can really know this yet

wiltingfast · 18/08/2015 08:20

I'm just a bit impatient with the drama over this. There is nothing wrong with Aunty having a special relationship with ds. It is unusual for this to happen and it is unlikely that it will conveniently happen with dd as well.

I just don't see the big deal. The child hasn't even noticed yet. And surely her parents are able to give her sufficient support to cope?

I don't agree it's emotional shit, this is just the way people and relationships are. You need to find a way to manage it positively without ruining your son's relationship with his aunt.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 08:29

wilting to you it's a drama, but for a young child it is not. Op has said she will start noticing soon. How woukd a little child feel seeing her brother go out with Aunt Edna to lovely places, coming back with toys and treats, but nothing for you, it will bloody hurt. No amount of trying to downplay it will work. She will soon see past that for what it is, favouritism, she is the non favoured and her brother is the favoured one. The only wAy this can be dealt with, is to curb it or stop it. Her children me first and their relationship, not Aunt.

TRexingInAsda · 18/08/2015 08:36

Wiltingfast, what a load of codswallop. Yes people have preferential relationships - but not with children! Or at least you don't show it.

This shit is bad enough when you have step-siblings and the family won't treat the non-blood relative the same, at least they have some (shit) excuse. This aunt has no excuse. It doesn't matter if she prefers one over the other, she shouldn't show it. It's not normal at all, it's very damaging and is something a parent should protect the kids from.

What if the OP had a preference herself, is that 'normal' to you wiltingfast? 'Oh I just liked the older one better, so she has the big room, the smaller one sleeps in the shed, she has a smack for dinner, if she's lucky. Don't worry though, it's totally normal, they're lucky to learn so young that life fucks you over. If she survives to adulthood she'll have learnt that really well'.

I honestly can't fathom how some people's minds work. I really hope anyone who thinks this way doesn't have kids or any other relatives, or any social interaction with anyone they can callously damage with their shitty attitude.

OTheHugeManatee · 18/08/2015 08:58

Going against the majority to say YABU. Aunt is not a parent, she is under no obligation to treat your children the same. You are projecting your own issues, and I say that as a middle child whose two siblings were each the favourite to one of our parents

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 09:17

othehuge Aunty is under no obligation to have a relationship with dd, that's her choice. But op and her dh are parents to both children, and have to do the best for both, if that means curbing or cutting the outings and treats between Aunt and ds, to save the relationship between the siblings and stop thus favouritism because that is what it is, dress it up or downplay it all you may,so be it. Please don't downplay op experiences, they started on a similar course and ended up years later op being hurt and sad, quite rightly she does nit want this for her children. I am sure ds has noticed, and would not want his sister treated any less by Aunt.

Original poster
DrSeuss · 18/08/2015 09:22

It is not so much that Aunt gets on better with DS, more that she has very little in the way of a relationship with DD because she never tried to build one. I doubt she could tell you much about my daughter's personality or interests, she never bothered to find out. Tomorrow we are going to visit my oldest friend who was at university with me. She has no children but puts a lot of effort into both of mine, despite being five hours away. I don't need or want for them to be showered with gifts, my friend gives my daughter and my son attention, affection and time. Equally.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 09:30

As it should be DrSeuss, especially children. I could never treat my nephews and nieces differently, even if inside I had a better relationship with one. When dd starts to notice, she and dh should put a stop to it right away for the best of both their children. Ds will understand, I am sure he woukd nit want his sister treated less.

OTheHugeManatee · 18/08/2015 09:46

Aero Certainly the parents can make that call if they want to. Personally I think the boy might be just as resentful of his sister because it was her fault that mum and dad stopped him having Aunty time.

Life isn't fair. I guess it's parents' jobs to soften that for their children if possible but in this case I think it would be better to find a special thing for the DD that's 'just for her' rather than taking the boy's special Aunty relationship away.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 09:54

ohthehuge I disagree totally, if she can curb it and let Aunty know that she treats both the same. Aunty is childless, does not sound like she has much experience. I am sure that if op sat down with her ds and explained the situation and ask him to out himself in his sister's position, I am sure he would not want that. I would gave a chat with Aunt once dd starts to notice.

Aeroflotgirl · 18/08/2015 10:15

Let Aunty know she is to take dd also to a couple of outings as well as ds, or none at all. Op can accompany if it's too much fir her. You as her parents have to control the favouritism. Woukd it be right if it was grandparents, no it would not, it's the same thing.

NoahVale · 18/08/2015 10:23

if you think she prefers your DS would you really want her to look after them both at the same time? Not sure if that would be the right course of action.

I think you should let her take your DS as usual and you have Mummy time with your DD.

there is a large age gap between a 9 year old and a 4 year old,
you could suggest to her that perhaps next summer when dd is 5 she can go on special outings on her own with the aunty. to be fair