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AIBU?

To still be letting this bother me slightly and find it really rude?!

97 replies

Lj8893 · 12/08/2015 13:20

A wedding one, sorry!

I got married last month, a few guests let me know last minute (within the week of the wedding) that they couldn't make it for whatever reason.

3 people (not connected) just didn't show, didn't let me know and haven't said anything since. Not even a congratulations. At the time I was far too busy and wrapped up in the wedding and honeymoon and aftermath etc. but it's still bothering me a bit!

Aibu to think that's really rude and not the done thing? Or am I being precious?

I really want to say something but feel it's too late now.

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pineapplecrush · 14/08/2015 21:16

You are quite right to want to cut them out of your life, I couldn't be friends with someone who failed to show up to my wedding with no explanation particularly when you know they went to the beach. I've been invited verbally to an ex colleague's evening wedding reception in 2 weeks and still not had an invitation? Don't even know where it is (over an hour's drive away). Don't know what people are thinking.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 14/08/2015 21:25

As she obviously didnt hide the fact she was at the beach as was all over Facebook .. Is it possible she confused dates or hadn't got your invite?
Otherwise it's bloody rude to do that and unfathomable!

Lj8893 · 14/08/2015 21:31

I gave her the invite by hand! She definitely didn't confuse the date. She didn't put the beach trip on Facebook, her dp did and tagged her.

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AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 14/08/2015 21:39

She's not a friend.

CurbsideProphet · 14/08/2015 21:40

YANBU. Surely if your friend has invited you to their wedding you are a) happy for them and b) happy they want you to be there. Not showing up without contact is very rude and just odd

spritefairy · 14/08/2015 22:00

Meh over half of my guests did turn up to my evening do. They were all enthusiastic about coming so I paid for a mini bus so they didn't have to drive. Out of 20odd 3 turned up.... Did it bother me? Yes it hurt slightly. Then I just thought fuck em. My wedding, my night, get pissed and enjoy it. I loved every second of it and it was probably better they weren't there as I has more room to dance

GoringBit · 14/08/2015 22:12

Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but to not turn up at a wedding with no good reason seems the height of bad manners. To be invited (above other people) to the biggest day in a couple's lives, accept, and then not go... it's massively rude and disrespectful. I'd be very tempted to abandon the so-called friendship.

honeyroar · 14/08/2015 22:23

Poor you, and Spritefairy how horrible of your friends too. I hope that you both had a lovely day anyway.

We didn't turn up to a friend's evening reception once. My husband tripped up and knocked himself out in the afternoon, and still felt woozy. I didn't want to leave him alone. I sent our present and card with another friend that was going, along with our apologies, then spoke to them after they'd been on honeymoon. We are still friends.

One couple didn't come to ours without saying anything. They were getting married a month later and went on a last minute holiday to get a tan. We stayed friends but it fizzled a year or so later.

LaLyra · 14/08/2015 22:38

People are so rude!

We had a family group of 6 not turn up until the evening because the 7-year-old DS had thrown a tantrum about missing his kids football match on the morning.

Also DH's 16-year-old cousin didn't come when I had to phone two nights before as I'd heard she was planning on bringing her boyfriend (DH was working away or it'd have been his job!). Only DH's cousins under 18 were invited to the day, the rest at night because he has way too many, and the ones who were invited to the day weren't invited with partners because they were all kids! That is the way his family has done weddings for years and years as there's just too many of them. His Aunt (who did the same at her wedding, and only invited aunts/uncles to said cousin's christening because of numbers) sat with a face like thunder all day because her daughter was on the seating plan even thought we "knew" she probably wouldn't come.

PingpongDingDong · 14/08/2015 22:50

I can understand not coming to the evening do but offering an apology, we had few people do this but to not show up to the whole day thing? That's incredibly rude. I can only imagine they now feel too embarrassed to speak to you.

Beelzebop · 15/08/2015 03:22

It is very rude. I have to admit though I have done it in the past due to anxiety and it's great to see others mentioning that. When I missed the reception I was already anxious and the fear/guilt of what I'd done made it impossible for me to speak to her. Luckily, thankfully, she is an amazing woman and we are now very good buddies again. People are sometimes just daft, and can't be honest or deal with awkward situations, I would mail them all to make them squirm and be bluntly and politely open. Maybe something like "although your absence did not impact at all on our wedding we did wonder if something dreadful had happened?

Froyo · 15/08/2015 03:43

It's reading things like this that make me never want to organise another party ever again. Also I hate the Facebook thing, defriending rather than apologising? Someone who said a no-show pretended they didn't know they got married on Facebook? All pathetic and they should be ashamed of themselves!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 03:51

Some people are just so rude, it's amazing. They have zero consideration for other people, for how much they're inconveniencing them or costing them in monetary terms.

I had 3 no-shows to my wedding "breakfast" - they all came to the wedding but chose not to stay for the meal. One of them I understood, and she had told me in advance that this might happen; but the other couple, they "were having something delivered that day so had to go home". SURELY they could have re-arranged the fecking delivery?! Apparently not. That still rankles.

ovenchips · 15/08/2015 04:09

It really isn't uncommon for people to do this - so hard though it is, I think you just have to chalk it up to human nature. With any group social event you seem to get a minority who act baffingly/ rudely - who don't RSVP and/ or don't turn up.

A wedding is such a big deal for the couple involved but isn't necessarily for those invited. It can just fall under heading of a general family or friend's 'do', with some people deciding on the day that, for whatever reason, they won't be going. Or as a couple of PPs have pointed out, they may have issues of their own which kind of override the social mores of wedding attendance.

We had something odd/ rude seeming happen with 2 different sets of guests. To this day I'm not sure why. But ultimately why be bothered? The majority came and things went well.

Congratulations to you and hope you had a wonderful day.

Lilmissconcerned · 15/08/2015 04:23

I'm in this position right now.. Though only an evening guest

It's a Week from today and due to my oh having very short notice surgery on Monday there is no chance we can go. It was supposed to be keyhole with a chance by a week he's be ok to just go and sit there take in atmosphere but by the end of this week it's turned out to be a massive operation and they are not gonna make it

She knew it was on the cards when I accepted it but I've not seen her in person since to talk to her... I really don't want to email/ messages her ( don't have her phone no) but it's looking that I'll need to.

I'm contemplating going on my own but it's one of those weddings where I genuinely wouldn't know anyone else.. I've bought her a card and everything already so obviously would post this on to her. I'm genuinely gutted about as when we bumped into each other I've enjoyed hearing all. Her plans ..

So sometimes things crop up to be fair.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 04:55

Yes they do, lilmiss and it would be a sour person indeed who would be miffed at you missing the wedding under your circs - but you've already said "I really don't want to email/ messages her ( don't have her phone no) but it's looking that I'll need to."

And that makes you completely different from the sort of knobs we're talking about - you will be letting her know in advance that you won't be there.

Lilmissconcerned · 15/08/2015 04:59

Thanks thumbwitches... You've made me feel a fair bit better xxx

Just wish I had the chance to actually tell her beforehand. Normally run into her a few times a week so I'm guessing wedding prep is keeping her busy xxx this post has made me realise that a message is better then hoping I'll bump into her then end up not saying anything xx

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/08/2015 05:07

Absolutely - just drop her a quick apologetic email, or phoning her would be better. :)

Also, make sure if you say you're going to post the card, you do - I had a couple of people who couldn't make it who also told me that the card/present would be in the post, and it never came, which caused me to fret a bit in case it had been lost! And also because, if they'd sent a voucher/present, I wouldn't have sent a thank you note out and they'd think I was rude, except I wasn't because I never received it - I know this is getting convoluted, but do you see what I mean?

I hope your OH's operation goes well and he has a good recovery

NoahVale · 15/08/2015 05:54

Do you think people perhaps cant afford it, it is too far, and hey sounds like they are not real friends anyway.
I wouldnt let it worry you OP.
Have you had reason to see them since the day?
If you havent seen them, have you missed them?
they are social occasions that not every one wants to be involved in, though obviously it means a lot to you and the fact that you invited them is lovely but I have missed the last wedding I was invited to and the last 50th birthday party.
Sometimes people dont have the cash or the nerve for the occasion.

NoahVale · 15/08/2015 05:55

Although the last wedding I was invited to, actually there were two, one was a work colleague who said to my face, you Dont Have to come, and the other was an evening do only.

Lj8893 · 15/08/2015 06:43

lilmiss, I had several people let me know last minute they couldn't make it and unfortunate as it was, the fact they let me know meant it was fine and I wasn't offended/upset.

This is a completely different situation.

I hope your friend accepts you can't make it graciously and I hope your oh op goes well.

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Lj8893 · 15/08/2015 06:44

Noahvale that could well be the situation, but to not bother contacting me and then to remove me on Facebook?! Not on!

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Lj8893 · 15/08/2015 06:45

Anyway, I've messaged her and she haven't replyed/read it. So I'm moving on, no I don't think she is going to leave a gap in my life.

Her loss

OP posts:

DevonFolk · 15/08/2015 06:51

I'm stunned that this happens so often
OP if you've fb messaged her since she unfriended you your message would presumably have gone into her 'other' inbox and she may not have seen it...

Lj8893 · 15/08/2015 06:53

Yea I thought about that, I wonder if I have her email address somewhere.

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