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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be a little bit miffed or am I being a brat?

113 replies

WeedingAnniversary · 11/08/2015 21:33

So, it was my anniv yesterday. I recieved flowers and chocs. sigh. This year i got really upset over my birthday as not ONE of my pressents had longevity, i was going through a bad stage in my life, i was very tender, I put loads of thought into everybody else's presents, and DH asked me what the matter was and i spilled that i was upset and why. Mothers Day (after birthday) i had utterly lovely presents - really well thought out and focussed. it's not the money issue {not asking for excess}, its the easy present route that has miffed me. dh is working away at the mo, but came home for anniv which coincided with other quite major things (both positive and negative) so we actually had only about an hour of alone time. i haven't mentioned it, he doesn't know how i feel. aibu to feel a bit miffed?

OP posts:
CwtchesAndCuddles1 · 12/08/2015 10:44

You seem to have very different ideas on gift giving - neither of you are wrong just coming from different places!

I would highly recommend reading the book The 5 Love Languages which looks at how different people express love and view gifts. www.5lovelanguages.com/

OOAOML · 12/08/2015 10:46

Flowers and chocolates are lovely, but it depends on the receiver. I don't really like being given flowers, unless a very small bunch (children bring lovely small bunches home from PILs garden sometimes) as we live in a small cluttered flat and a big bunch of flowers quickly becomes something else to deal with and needs stuff shuffled about, something found to serve as a vase etc, and then a few days later needs water changing/bits picked up from round the vase as petals shed etc. I know how much flowers cost, and frankly I'd rather have a book. That's just me. If your DH knows that flowers and chocolates wouldn't be well received, then he has been lazy and thoughtless. If you'd previously said you'd like nothing better, then it is a lovely present.

BYOSnowman · 12/08/2015 10:46

The more you write the more bratty you sound!

People these days seem to replace people and love with objects so easily. And part of it is showing off - look how much I love my kids, I bought them an Xbox etc

And what do you do with all the crap that accumulates? Does it end up in landfill?

toots111 · 12/08/2015 10:48

My requests for birthdays are always flowers,chocolates and something bubbly (to drink or for the bath). So I would have loved it. :) And i'm not sure i've ever given or received a gift on our anniversary. This year we both totally forgot!

OOAOML · 12/08/2015 10:49

PS I'm not the most romantic person about so my opinion may not chime with many. We tend not to do anniversary presents (although if we need something new we might buy that, like the year we bought a new set of saucepans and said it was our anniversary present) and we don't do Valentine's Day.

StampyMum · 12/08/2015 10:50

Sorry you're having a difficult time, but I think YABU. And a bit materialistic. Ask yourself why you need so much stuff, maybe.

BoskyCat · 12/08/2015 10:51

I like flowers and chocolates because they get used up. Then there's not yet another thing I have to find somewhere to put!

Also I wouldn't like to think that my DP was required to go through a vast amount of thought and effort every time there was an occasion of any sort. That's exhausting, and surely if you're with someone for years you run out of brilliant original present ideas that they will love.

We don't do anniversary or mother's day (apart from a card from the DC) but I have asked if I can give DP hints about birthday and christmas presents rather than him having to think of something, because I'd rather get something I need/really want than him have to be imaginative. Because if it's not really what I want, I have to pretend it is, or go through the awkwardness of saying I'd like to return it.

It's a bit weird if you want your DH to have to go through extra effort just for the sake of proving something.

diddl · 12/08/2015 10:53

YABU imo.

We never know what to get each other.

We've got everything tbh.

Unless one of us wants/needs an item of clothing or there's a book/cd/dvd that we'd like.

So it's usually chocs/biscuits/wine.

Once I had marzipan teabags & some sushi which I thought was great.

Gottagetmoving · 12/08/2015 10:57

It is not really about the presents is it? You are feeling unappreciated and low.
You shouldn't be monitoring what people buy you and then taking that as a measure of your worth.
It is how you are treated day to day in a relationship that matters and if that is not right then address it with your DH but don't have ideas in your own head about what different gifts mean as a measure of how much you are loved etc.

OOAOML · 12/08/2015 10:57

We usually send each other links to books or DVDs we want.

knittingdad · 12/08/2015 11:05

How many presents can you get that have longevity, before you are buried underneath them?

In a year people might not be surprised to receive presents at: Birthday, Christmas, Mother's/Father's Day, Valentines Day and Wedding Anniversary, plus not implausibly another anniversary that is important to the relationship (if you're soppy like we are) and you might want to surprise someone with a present at another time.

That could be seven presents in a year! After a while there simply isn't that much more to get, surely.

I'm already second-guessing myself about buying yarn as a present for DW, because if I buy her yarn then it means she misses out on the opportunity to choose some for herself.

I think gifts are really hard in this consumer age when most people have so much stuff already.

OnGoldenPond · 12/08/2015 11:11

Think you are being a bit hard on your DH. You say he has been working away but made the effort to come back especially to celebrate with you - probably a long journey? He may well be working long hours so not much opportunity to get to shops. I know when I have worked away I would have been hard pushed to get even flowers and chocs!

Think YABU but your low mood may be clouding your judgement.

OctopusesGarden · 12/08/2015 11:11

Yes, yabu. Sounds like he wanted to spend time with you. I love flowers and chocolates. Recently moved and have become very minimalist. It's been very liberating and made me realise how much I love spending time with my loved ones rather than getting things.

Hope your difficult time passes soon

MagicMojito · 12/08/2015 11:17

Your posts don't scream BRAT to me. You are of course being very unreasonable but there is clearly a lot going on behind the scenes here. Whatever it is that's the real problem, try focusing on that. Don't use your dh (and he does really sound like a darling husbandhusband Smile ) as a scape goat for your feelings.

apologies if I'm completely off the mark

Original poster
WeedingAnniversary · 12/08/2015 11:41

Answering a couple of points. Sigh.

1 I didn't have a present as I expected to see him on Sunday. I WILL have a suitable present for his car yes, that he will be thrilled with. Not a cop out present, something that will last, he will appreciate. So don't slate me for not having a present on the actual day.

2 materialistic? A small photo book? No need to nip out to shops, just sit in his hotel room at night and put one together - he's done one before abd Knowles how appreciated that would be. Not gonna end up in landfill is it? Hmm

3 he's hard done by? Really? Just because I cooed over the flowers and said "do you mind leaving them in the dining room until soandso has gone? She's a bit tender at the mo." he was absolutely fine about that.

He has no idea from my demeanor that I was disappointed with the things. I've cone on here in private to get second opinions on the scenario.

OP posts:
MrsFrankRicard · 12/08/2015 12:03

YABU and a brat, sorry. I love getting flowers and chocolates or anything consumable. If you want some longevity you could take a photo of your flowers. Then put it in a photo book Wink

BYOSnowman · 12/08/2015 12:14

It doesn't matter if you only wanted a pencil - it's still materialistic!!

And having had to help sort through my grandparents stuff after they died, where do you think all those precious mementoes end up

LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 12:40

If you want a all photo book then make yourself one.
Don't expect him to be a mind reader
If your anniversary was so important you would have ordered/bought his present already plus would have taken care in choosing his card.
You are giving the definite impression it is all about what material present he gets you as it clearly has more value to you than your DH. Into only were his flowers put in smother room, he'd come home to spend time with you and you spent time with your friend instead.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/08/2015 12:44

I'm sorry but you are sounding a bit whiney now.

pictish · 12/08/2015 12:50

I must say I did read, "he did me a teeny photo book of the dc previousy which i adore, and will keep forever - maybe another one of those would have cheered me up?" and think jeezo woman he's not a bloody mind reader!

Yes perhaps a teeny photo book might have cheered you up. How was he supposed to know?

ilovesooty · 12/08/2015 12:50

Sigh

The more you post the more unreasonable you sound. My sympathies are with your husband quite honestly - you do seem like very hard work.

And this constant reiteration of "tender" is making me want to smash my head on the desk.

Apathyisthenewblah · 12/08/2015 12:56

YABU - it sounds like he made a real effort.
However if you are having a rough time at the moment then you are probably going to be unreasonable about some things. It can be understandable without being reasonable.

You asked AIBU and don't seem to want the answer to be yes!

ptumbi · 12/08/2015 12:57

I agree with most posters - the fact that your DH came back, as a surprise for you on your anniversary, surely should be your main present!

Flowers and chocs you can get any day, yes, but that doesn't mean that they are 'nothing'. Any gift, even a single flower, even a text to say he's thinking of you, would be a gift, to me.

Nope. Brat.

Oh and I'm sure your friend, no matter how 'tender' she is at the moment, will hardly be more upset by the fact that you have a vase of flowers in the house! How daft. Are you going to wear black, in case a summery colour upsets her ?

LavenderLeigh · 12/08/2015 13:05

Aid anything was guaranteed to upset your friend it was that your DH was lovely enough to come home but that wasn't enough for you. The flowers wouldn't have registered. Did you make him stay out of the way too on case she got upset?

Xenadog · 12/08/2015 13:53

OP you are so over thinking this. You DH sounds like a lovely man who has worked hard to make you feel appreciated on your wedding anniversary. The fact that the gifts don't have longevity is irrelevant; he make the effort to see you on the day and the gifts are just a gesture of how he feels.

I don't go long with the other posters who say things such as, "I don't know why you're bothered we never get each other anything/remember the day etc" as that's their relationship and not yours. Maybe you need to look at your relationship, is he a good guy, does he put you first, is he keen to make you happy? If yes then I think you need to cut him some slack. The chocolates and flowers are standard anniversary faire and just because he hasn't made something personal and original (lack of time/imagination/resources?) it really doesn't matter.

I'm not going to call you a brat but you do need to have a word with yourself over this one.