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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want a partner to 'do' things with?

24 replies

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 08:03

I am seeing my friend today and she was showing me some photos on her phone of her summer so far and she's done loads - been to France; been camping; been to a B & B in the Lakes.

I often feel life's passing me by a bit; I do do things but it's often a bit limited to when friends can come and obviously their partners get preference over me so sometimes they can't afford both!

So - AIBU to want a partner so I can enjoy life a bit more??

OP posts:

Lavenderice · 10/08/2015 08:23

having a partner doesn't miraculously make you more exciting. Go and do the things you want yourself. That way you get to do EXACTLY what you want.

Ragwort · 10/08/2015 08:24

I know this sounds like a cliche (sp?) but there are loads of things you can do either alone or with friends to 'enjoy' life rather than assuming that meeting someone will magically make you 'enjoy' life. Don't sit around waiting for life to happen, get out there, do what you enjoy, find a group that enjoys camping (become a volunteer with scouting/guiding .......... go to Youth Hostels, go on singles holidays).

Become a busy, interesting person ........ you may or may not find a partner but at least you will be out and about enjoying yourself.

Alternatively you might meet someone and fall in love but your partner doesn't necessarily share your interests and you still won't be camping, going to France or whatever.

Original poster

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 08:28

To be honest I have tried to do some things either alone or as part of an organised group and haven't enjoyed them - or they've been OK but ultimately a bit boring because I have not had anybody to enjoy or appreciate them with me.

OP posts:

BeautifulBatman · 10/08/2015 08:29

No OP, yanbu. Yes, depending on the type of person you are you can do all the things your partnered friends do by yourself. But imo it's human nature to want to share experiences with someone close. having said that, dh is being a twat at the moment and I'd happily be single right now.

whois · 10/08/2015 08:30

Yup. Go and do the things you want to do. You'll be a lot happier for it.

There are lots of clubs and associations you can book and go with on your own with other people, or go on your own

What is it you want to do? Travel to interesting places? Companies like Exodus are very sociable and often have a couple of solo travellers. Outdoor sports? Plenty of clubs and associations run trips.

Original poster

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 08:33

Beautiful, thank you - that is a fair summary.

I have been to America, Italy and Ireland this year alone so it isn't as if I won't do things but it was rather a 'skimmed milk' experience; I enjoyed it but was conscious I'd have enjoyed it more with a friend or partner.

OP posts:

DrSethHazlittMD · 10/08/2015 08:37

YANBU Chocolate, and I understand totally having been single for over 5 years. I know people are well meaning when they say "go off and do X on your own" but it just isn't the same as sharing X with someone special.

People often suggest these Exodus and solo type holiday companies but a) they tend to be hideously expensive (far more than if you were going with a partner who was paying their half); b) sitting around at the end of the day with a group of strangers just isn't the same as being with a partner.

They suggest "going out and joining clubs" and we do, and we make friends and might well enjoy ourselves. But we're still going home to an empty home and waking up alone, day in, day out, month in, month out, year in, year out.

It's not that long-term single people don't necessarily enjoy being single some of the time. When I once bemoaned being single a friend pulled out these cliches and ended with "I loved being single, I used to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. It was bloody great!" So I asked her when she was planning to leave her husband then, because clearly if being single was so phenomenal, she wouldn't have wanted to marry.

mileend2bermondsey · 10/08/2015 08:37

I always feel terribly sorry for people who aren't content in their own company. Why do you feel you need another person with you to enjoy things? I would suggest doing things on your own but you say you already have and don't like it so I suppose find a partner, just for the sake of having one and then you can enjoy life? Doesnt make sense to me but whatever makes you happy

I'd much sooner be on my own forever than be with someone just so I had a partner.

BeautifulBatman · 10/08/2015 08:39

It's the same for me, a shared experience seems a bit 'more' iyswim. My dh and I don't have that many shared hobbies. Lucky my BFF and i do so all the travelling I've wanted to do that dh wasn't interested in, I've done with BFF. Ha Long bay was one of the best. It's great when you can say to someone 'do you remember when we....?'.

SoupDragon · 10/08/2015 08:43

YANBU. Sometimes I go out and do stuff but it's almost just going through the motions. There's no one to chat to, no one to share the experience with and no one to share any of the organisational stuff.

Quite apart from having someone to enjoy time out with, the sheer burden of being responsible for absolutely everything is wearing and some heat would destroying.

SoupDragon · 10/08/2015 08:45

I always feel terribly sorry for people who aren't content in their own company. Why do you feel you need another person with you to enjoy things?

I always feel terribly sorry for people who are so lacking in empathy they can't grasp how someone else may feel differently to them.

Being content in ones own company is not the same as never wanting someone to share life with.

DrSethHazlittMD · 10/08/2015 08:48

Well said, Soup

mileend2bermondsey · 10/08/2015 08:49

Being content in ones own company is not the same as never wanting someone to share life with
Who said it was?

SoupDragon · 10/08/2015 08:53

You did.

mileend2bermondsey · 10/08/2015 08:57

Where?

Fishwives · 10/08/2015 09:00

OP, your OP completely omits the exciting-sounding travels you've done yourself this year. You say they were 'skimmed-milk experiences' because if the lack of a partner to enjoy them with, but it's perfectly possible your friend actually thinks her holidays were 'skimmed milk' because they prioritised the needs of young children over her own. I have a partner and three year old son - and no family in this country to help with babysitting - and while life is interesting, and we travel a fair bit, I do definitely feel nostalgic for the days when I used to hitchhike somewhere on a whim and sit in cafes in Paris reading by myself. If I let myself, I could easily feel that a cottage in Cornwall is pretty second-best compared to pre-child running around India on a train.

Original poster

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 09:06

My friend doesn't have young children!

Thank you to the people who understood what I meant. It's so true - you do this and that but ultimately it's just OK when it should be wonderful.

My holidays weren't that exciting to be honest.

OP posts:

Bullshitbingo · 10/08/2015 09:07

I get you op. I have a dh, but he's not really enthusiastic about some of the things I like (hiking, being outdoors etc). So we tend to do our own thing, but I agree it's a bit rubbish on your own sometimes. I'd love him to love what I love so we could do stuff together.
One of my Friends who loves travel has married a great guy, but he can't bear flying, and isn't that bothered about going anywhere . It's sad for her, but they're happy in all other respects.

So, not sure if it makes you feel any better, but just so you know, having a partner doesn't necessarily mean you get someone to do all these things with either.
I second the idea of joining clubs in things you enjoy. I know someone who met loads of her good friends through a scuba diving club, they all love it and go on scuba holidays together all the time.

Original poster

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 09:08

I do know what you mean by that - must be hard.

OP posts:

lemoncordial · 10/08/2015 09:10

Many people in relationships are very very unhappy. Its easy to forget that if you're feeling lonely. Better to be single than trapped in an unhappy relationship.

Original poster

chocolateymilkshake · 10/08/2015 09:11

I know this, and that's why I'm single as in not prepared to be with "just anybody" but I'm starting to revise my view.

OP posts:

CatsandCrumble · 10/08/2015 09:56

It's an interesting point you're making. I'm newly single and it is taking a lot to come to terms with. My partner wasn't really interested in doing things I wanted to do, but even so, we did manage some things together. One of the few times we did get on well was when we were on holiday, so I am finding creating new holidays for myself quite difficult.

DadfromUncle · 10/08/2015 10:02

Yanbu, but I am starting to suspect that the investment required to have someone to play with is more than I am prepared to make. I know it's a tough adjustment, but after years of dodgy relationships, I find travelling in particular, much more fun alone.

I do get lonely though but probably not enough to put up with any more crappy relationships.

MistressDeeCee · 10/08/2015 10:31

YANBU

Most people would like the company of friends or a partner to do stuff with. When your friends aren't available or as is the norm prioritise doing stuff with their partners instead of you then its a bit shit. We are social beings its natural to want to share experiences. Maybe meetup.com & other sites similar to that to find company to go out with...?

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