to expect childcare to be DCs fathers issue on his weekends?

[writingsonthewall]

This is going to be long. I am furious. I need help. I've Nc for this as paranoid I'll be recognised.

I've got 2 DCs with my ex, aged 5 and 6. I've also got another DC aged 1 with my DP.

Ex has been pretty rubbish at contact ever since we split up four years ago, and it's just not getting any better at all. Initially the agreement was EOW and 1 night in the week as that seemed standard. He does sometimes work at weekends and in the evenings but when we were together it was all in his control ? and not that frequent. The excuses started coming thick and fast within months of the split, that he was "working" and so couldn't have them. At one stage he was having them probably less than a quarter of the times he was supposed to letting me down both with lots of notice or with very short notice.

He then added to the complexity by moving away and so agreed to have them just one weekend per month as the weekdays were no longer feasible and his "work commitments" meant he needed to cut down on weekends. He has stuck to this for about six months and I was happy with it as at least it was predictable, stable contact, but it's his weekend this coming weekend and he's emailed this morning to let me know he can't have them as he apparently agreed to work ages and didn't realise the clash.....

I have plans this weekend to go to a wedding on the other side of the country with my DP. I am paying a friend (who is also a nanny) to have DC1 from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. She has 3 children of her own and so I can't ask her to also have the two older DC (not to mention I haven't got the money to pay for them as well). I have nobody else to ask, my DM died last year and my DF would not manage on his own with such a young baby. My DPs parents live quite a long way away and would probably help usually (with plenty of notice) but they're currently on holiday.

I am going to have to miss the wedding aren't I. I am so hugely angry I feel like I might explode. There is never a single time that HE has to organise his life around the children because he just dumps them on me. How on earth is this allowed or fair or moral? I love my children to bits of course I do but why is it that he doesn't have to take any responsibility and I have to take it all? I work full time and have to organise childcare for them and stuff, I emailed back that he would need to find suitable childcare for them this weekend as I had plans and he replied that it was my problem to sort not his.

I am literally apoplectic with rage. It's nothing that he hasn't done a thousand times before and he's impacted on my plans so many before but I've just accepted it and cancelled them, or made other arrangements but this time he's really taken the biscuit. I've paid for a new dress, hotel room etc. in preparation but more than that I was so looking forward to it.

And the fact is there is NOTHING I can do. We don't have a court agreement for contact and even if we did I can't make him show up. I just have to suck it up.

I am so mad I am crying angry tears. AIBU? I genuinely don't know? I don't feel as if I am but as the resident parent should I not expect that I can ever plan anything? Is this what it?s like for other people?

What a charmer he is - I can see why he is an ex.

Great that you managed to sort something out for this weekend and as you said, it will be exciting for your DCs.

As others have said upthread, legal solutions probably wouldn't work in this situation and would be an expensive waste of time.

The only advice I could give would be to accept that he, being the man he is, is probably not going to change. As the DCs get older and maybe his relationship with his girlfriend develops(?) it may even get worse. The best thing for your own emotional wellbeing would be to stop trying to force him to be a better father but to change the way you react to him. Am not saying that this is ideal but with a man like that, I don't know what other options there are. Don't allow him the satisfaction of thinking that he has messed up your plans or ruined your weekends. You may always have to have a plan B up your sleeve - crap I know but it's one way of making sure he doesn't get the better of you.

And, tempting as it may be, I wouldn't recommend turning up with DCs in tow to try and force him into a weekend which he has reneged upon. That's a crap position to put the DCs in - not that you were planning on doing that.

Hope you enjoy the weekend!

At least you're sorted for now. But.... As you don't have a formal agreement and he clearly doesn't give a shit ('I cant have them so it's your problem') can you play him at his own game?

Next time it's his turn, assume he won't want them and plan something good to do with the DC? Stop telling the kids they are going with their Dad, the disappointment of his feckless can't be arsed behaviour must be worse than no contact.

So when he turns up to take them, you're at the seaside eating ice cream ' sorry, you seem to think childcare is my problem permanently so that's what I am doing'

Guitargirl has it spot on.

You will never change him, so start protecting the kids from disappointment now. If he cancels on them at a weekend, have a back up planned so they still have a nice time, if he is suddenly 'too busy' calmly remind him that they are not children forever, and get on as best you can. They will love and respect you now and when they grow up, their father maybe not so much, and he only has himself to blame.

I agree with Music. What he did was absolutely out of order but, considering that the contact has been stable for six months and that the children enjoy it, cutting all contact would only leave the children feeling confused and rejected. Well done for such a measured response.

Offering sympathy. I think the idea upthread to talk to the Grandparents about arranging a more certain arrangement for the sake of your dc is a good one if you think they could be relied upon. That way the dc have developed a good relationship with them even if their dad can't be arsed.

Plus it might inconvenience him to have to involve his parents because he's an irresponsible selfish prick.

Well done for getting things sorted op.

Personally I'd go to court and get a formal arrangement put in place. He is walking all over you because he knows he can. Maybe a court order will make him realise that he can't dick you around anymore, once the implications of what will happen if he doesn't stick to it are. It's about your only hope.

OP I would actually agree with cutting contact and making him get a court order. It's not about "punishing" anyone, and frankly it sounds like your kids wouldn't even notice.

It's about showing your ex that children AREN'T just toys that you can pick up and put down whenever you fancy, showing him that you won't stand for his current attitude, and - frankly - not enabling him anymore. It's all very well saying "this is so fucking unfair" but you are still logistically picking up all the pieces, so why would he bother to change?

Children are a privilege. Not an automatic right regardless of your behaviour.

Everyone does so like to harp on about fairness to the kids, and fairness to the useless shit of a father, but what about what is fair to you? That has to feature as well. You're needs don't fall below anyone elses.

That's the thing goodness in the eyes of the court - the RPs interests are very much right down there at the bottom of the heap.

Usually the RP who statistically is likely to be a woman. It's a little Eve punishment to remind you it is your fault for not choosing a better dad for your children and for becoming a feckless single mother/broken home creator

This attitude is so entrenched. If a woman NRP behaved like that she'd be vilified as "unnatural" or some such. If a man does, it just "that is how
Menz are" drives me nuts.

RPs needs shouldn't fall below everyone else's. But they do.

I'd go back to CMS even if doesn't change things. Because then he will have to put up with the stress of form filling and phone calls. It's a bastard to be inconvenienced as you know!

Glad wedding sorted. Have fun. I hope what they say about the children realising is true - but I suspect not - I keep these things from them so as not to be seen as undermining their relationship with their father.

I agree with thise posters saying that you should stop making his contact easy.

Plan your life as if you will always have the dc, then you won't be disappointed when he bails. If he does turn up then view it as a bonus.

I actually don't think that contact should be maintained at all costs - I think children learn that they have a useless father who cba and that is a painful realisation. If contact fades away I don't think it is the end of the world because he's not really a dad, is he?

I agree with bimandbam

The only way i managed to resolve it was to stop giving a shit and arrange our whole lives like he didn't exist. It took the control back and he did shape up a bit. But i still know that it all comes down to me.

" Metalguru

I'm so angry on your behalf!what an arse! Reminds me of ex cancelling arranged contact and saying "I can't help you out this time, you'll have to sort something else out"
"
I have steam coming out of my ears on your behalf. Some men just don't seem to get that they are children, not a goldfish.

Op I don't have any actual advice but I wonder if this is one of those situations you have to chalk up to the fact you're a good person and parent and he's just utterly crap. You have the higher ground. And as others have said, don't make contact easy for him in future, the message he's giving you is that he sometimes has the children as a favour to you, well if that 'favour" doesn't make your life easier then don't go along with it.

I know exactly how this situation feels.

My dc are now almost 26 & 23. There dad was similar to tour exh.

I always facilitated contact. Drove the dc to contact etc.

As adults my dc have chosen not to have a relationship with their father. He can't work out why!

Enjoy the wedding the best you can.

No advice either, save for driving to his and leaving the kids there with him, or doing the same on Monday, but I know that's not in the best interests of the DC so not advisable.

But I am so on your behalf, and all the thousands of other mums that are in this position. It makes me Sick.

you could tell cms that he is earning more than he declares as he is workingeveryweekend so can't have the children. probably would not work

it took me years to persuade h that he could not just arrange to do stuff with his mates and presume I would pick up the child care. he had to ask whether it was ok out of politeness. he is the same now he is an ex. he asks sometimes whether he can do something other than see the children for part of the weekend, but has a strop when I have something else to do with them. (the last strop he had got him banned from the flat.) he still has the attitude that I am the default parent. good job I love having the children more, and I have the attitude that if he turns up he turns up and we get on with stuff anyway. dd has clocked his timekeeping already.

Everybody saying a contact order.

How exactly do you think a contact order will help and what do you think will happen if he decides not to show up lots?

Have only read the OP but you are writing my life! This is exactly what happens with my EXp too. It is sooo fucking infuriating. I really donknow exactly how you feel. I have no answers. In the past i have told EXp that childcare is his concern on his contact days but he just doesnt turn up. I have lost clients and wages in the past and missed so many long awaited nights out with friends due to him not turning up. He says he has to work but i have caught him out so many times being at weddings or concerts or just out in the pub. (He is stupid and puts it on FB) ive just accepted now that this is how it is. When i agree to plans i now add the caveat "subject to him turning up" it really isnt fair.

Tell him you'll have to drop them off because you have plans and he will have to sort childcare.

Ive tried this too, he just leaves his house before i get there. I even tried without warning him beforehand but he knows rightly and makes sure he is out.

It's interesting to hear others in this situation describing their exes views as "not being able to help you", "not their childcare" etc.

This is also the attitude of my ex. His visitation seems to be viewed as doing me a favour.

He had a part time job, then when he walked out he got a full time job (amazingly he couldn't find one in the four years I bankrolled him at home) but he still wanted to keep the part time one. When I pointed out that as his choice of walking out meant that he would need to keep every other weekend free to have his son he flipped.

He was furious that his free time would have to be given up "due to my entitlement"

Other classic weekends have included my son having an accident after a bad stomach in a shopping centre. He called me screaming and shouting (my phone was out of range) that I must come and collect him immediately, and why didn't I answer my phone on the first ring.

It was hard but I instructed him to buy him new underwear and clean him up then take him to the pharmacy.

My abilities as a mother were loudly questioned so I hung up.

The next was a trip to a theme park I helped book. When they got there the park was closed. Queue more shouty screamy phone calls "what are we supposed to do now?" Etc. I told him to just enjoy the hotel with pool, take a walk, chat to his son etc. But no he wanted to bring him home and drop him off....

My son came home and told me I had ruined his weekend. He must have spent the whole time slagging me off.

Fucktard man child.

Have you tried ringing the HR office at his company OP?

My friend did this. She did it in an innocent way, calmly explaining that her ex must have his DD the last weekend of each month and wondered if her ex was perhaps a bit shy or afraid to turn down work for the company, in case it looked bad. But what were his rights in this case, and was it ok to do so?

They were very helpful apparently.

He went mental but it did stop the lying, and meant he wasn't untouchable.

She maintains that she was still trying to help alleviate the problem of him missing quality time with his kids. ????

My dad was like this. Him and my mum broke up when I was 9, my brother was 7. For years he was absolutely shit, he would just turn up to see us when he felt like it and 9 times out of 10 would not turn up on arranged visits.

Now I'm 27 he is a brilliant dad, and is there within minutes if I need him, will do anything for me, my brother and my daughter. Just a shame it took him so long!

wallys my ex's responses when i've told him its his weekend (well night now!) so his resposibility to sort childcare range from "you're their mother! you're the one getting all the money for them (he means all those millions in benefits ) childcare is your job" and also "i dont exist to provide free childcare for you. (But clearly my job to provide free childcare for him despite me being a full time student and working part time too, despite him having mon-wednesday of every week off!) Get your mum to do it" my mum who works 60+ hours a week in her 60's! My mum who has already had more contact with my children than their own father has!

Just keep notes of what's arranged with him and what happens. One day, you may need them.

Agree with keeping a diary. Phone calls, missed visits,fb posts etc. Also, how do you arrange weekends. Is it an ailed list? Text etc. If its you, stop, let him do the chasing, do not let him think that its a favour, let him arrange times. Does he collect? Text his parents the agreed times ... say kids miss them and youd like them to have the opourtunity to visit. ... play him at his own game.

Yes Surly, it's like arguing with a lunatic.

I'd have a more reasoned response if I hurled a urine soaked sports sock at his face.

I'd have a more reasoned response if I hurled a urine soaked sports sock at his face

now theres an idea!