to expect childcare to be DCs fathers issue on his weekends?

[writingsonthewall]

This is going to be long. I am furious. I need help. I've Nc for this as paranoid I'll be recognised.

I've got 2 DCs with my ex, aged 5 and 6. I've also got another DC aged 1 with my DP.

Ex has been pretty rubbish at contact ever since we split up four years ago, and it's just not getting any better at all. Initially the agreement was EOW and 1 night in the week as that seemed standard. He does sometimes work at weekends and in the evenings but when we were together it was all in his control ? and not that frequent. The excuses started coming thick and fast within months of the split, that he was "working" and so couldn't have them. At one stage he was having them probably less than a quarter of the times he was supposed to letting me down both with lots of notice or with very short notice.

He then added to the complexity by moving away and so agreed to have them just one weekend per month as the weekdays were no longer feasible and his "work commitments" meant he needed to cut down on weekends. He has stuck to this for about six months and I was happy with it as at least it was predictable, stable contact, but it's his weekend this coming weekend and he's emailed this morning to let me know he can't have them as he apparently agreed to work ages and didn't realise the clash.....

I have plans this weekend to go to a wedding on the other side of the country with my DP. I am paying a friend (who is also a nanny) to have DC1 from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. She has 3 children of her own and so I can't ask her to also have the two older DC (not to mention I haven't got the money to pay for them as well). I have nobody else to ask, my DM died last year and my DF would not manage on his own with such a young baby. My DPs parents live quite a long way away and would probably help usually (with plenty of notice) but they're currently on holiday.

I am going to have to miss the wedding aren't I. I am so hugely angry I feel like I might explode. There is never a single time that HE has to organise his life around the children because he just dumps them on me. How on earth is this allowed or fair or moral? I love my children to bits of course I do but why is it that he doesn't have to take any responsibility and I have to take it all? I work full time and have to organise childcare for them and stuff, I emailed back that he would need to find suitable childcare for them this weekend as I had plans and he replied that it was my problem to sort not his.

I am literally apoplectic with rage. It's nothing that he hasn't done a thousand times before and he's impacted on my plans so many before but I've just accepted it and cancelled them, or made other arrangements but this time he's really taken the biscuit. I've paid for a new dress, hotel room etc. in preparation but more than that I was so looking forward to it.

And the fact is there is NOTHING I can do. We don't have a court agreement for contact and even if we did I can't make him show up. I just have to suck it up.

I am so mad I am crying angry tears. AIBU? I genuinely don't know? I don't feel as if I am but as the resident parent should I not expect that I can ever plan anything? Is this what it?s like for other people?

your not been unreasonable at all. This a problem I have on a regular basis im unfortunate enough to have 4 children with 2 dads one of the exs is usually very good but every now and then he will spring it on me that he cant have the kids this weekend for whatever reason , i usualy get a bit of notice but still a pain if I know i have any important plans for that weekend I wil let him know just to be on the safe side. My eldests dad is just an idiot he thinks hes still 18 out every weekend dumping her on whichever of his family members will have her and thats if he can be botherd to get her at all that weekend if it wasnt for the fact she likes seeing her other family I would of stopped contact long ago

It's crap isn't it dippyd, I just cannot get my head around the mindset at all. I suppose it's because we are there to pick up the slack that they get away with it.

I agree that forcing unwilling dads to have their children 50% or indeed any % of the time isn't a great idea, but I do think they should have the decency to either take responsibility for some of the time or just sod off altogether. The way some of them seem to behave it means they get to tick the "good dad" box in their heads, and present a "good dad" image of themselves to the world, still get the adoration of the children, and yet really take no responsibility or act with any decency at all.

(Yes my teenagers are not exactly needing of huge amount of childcare now although they eat a lot, but the principle is the same - that it is unfair if one parent particularly one who pays nothing chooses not to have their children even one night a year that is pretty weird, disgusting an sadly fairly common and puts a lot on the other parent, obviously less for me now they are teenagers than when they were younger).

I'm with you there red it is pretty weird as well as loads of other things

OMG writingsonthewall that text is ATROCIOUS, what a c*nt of the highest order. I don't have any good advice but just fuming on your behalf.

Just the other side (or the third side) my parents separated when I was a child and I remember every last excruciating detail of who was available for me when and which parent did what for me. You are an amazing mother to always pick up the slack so they don't suffer, he is a crap dad, and your children will (if they are like me) as adults be grateful to you forever for the stability you provide for them.

I agree CountyDownGirl.

The only revenge that occurs to me is to organise something really nice for the kids with you on his next weekend and to tell him at the last minute.

And I know you clarified that you don't feed into this Superdad image that your children have, but do avoid it (without bad-mouthing, which is horrible)

I used to get all excited and tell my dd to hurry up because her DAD was waiting for her and then I realised that I was making him seem very special and just setting her up for many let-downs.

He was one of those dads who thought you can just put kids away in the cupboard when you have no money to feed them and take them out again in a month's time when your finances worked out, after you had paid for all your meals out, fed your dobermans, etc.

No advice to add to what others have said, but if your former PILs are decent people, maybe they'd take the DC one weekend in four and then your DH could be flakey with them instead, but it will retain a family link?

I'm so angry on your behalf!what an arse! Reminds me of ex cancelling arranged contact and saying "I can't help you out this time, you'll have to sort something else out"

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news but a contact order only states when the resident parent has to make the children available to the non-resident parent. If the NRP is unable to make the contact then the RP has to basically suck it up and deal with it! I don't know of a way round this and have given up ever making any plans for a Friday eve, currently on week 2 of the whole of the school holidays with my kids as their D is too busy working (for the third year in a row!!)

Fuck him off!
You're kids don't need him , you certainly don't need him
He's a waste of time
Block all contact
He's such a dick

Indeed booby. I remember the decade when I could take a week off from ull time work during the chidlren's 8 week (yes 8 week) school summer holiday whilst their teacher had 8 weeks school holiday and didn't have them for a single night. Contact is a one way demand and right of the parent only not of the child.

One way to perhaps play the long game and semd a message is do not be flexible at all.

If he declines contact you don't give him a convieneant time of his choosing he just misses it until the next time he was due to.

It won't work with one who does not give a shit but it can be effective if there is even a hint of a desire to see them.

I would suggest you stop contact he will then have to be proactive and sort a court order you can present yourself the outcomes if there are no safeguarding issues are set anyway.

He sounds inconsistent and that he will float away anyway, him paying to take you to court (you won't have to pay) may give him the kick you need if he doesn't you have been proactive and saved your children from instability. Dad's should either be in or out imo not this flakey business.

Sorry about the wedding suggest you try sitters as pp suggest but if you stop contact at least you are set for the future also you can add conditions to a court order so maybe if he chooses to work he has to pay childcare ? (That would be one to look into, not sure on feasibility )

Good luck

Would it be to the benefit of the children to block all contact with their dad?

Blocking all contact is far, far worse than what he's doing imo.

After 10 years of this white from my ex my only advice is to let it go.

Nothing you do will change how he behaves. Not a contact order. Not being reasonable or unreasonable. Not blocking contact or encouraging it. He will always be a wankerbastard.

The more you try and make him do the right thing the more upset you will get.

I had this with my ex. He let me down time and time again which actually lost me my job.

I decided to treat his contact time as any other time and didn't make plans until he had turned up. That way I wasn't left stuck. Unfortunately for him sometimes that meant DD wasn't available when he did want her as any plans I did make included her and sometimes she wanted to stay and do the fun stuff. Tough shit sugar.

It did make him slightly more reliable and put a bit more effort into his contact times.

And by not giving a flying fuck if he came or not my stress levels reduced considerably.

I feel so sorry for the kids, they are clearly an inconvenience to their own father- when he is supposed to have them!

I'm another who thinks protecting him from what they might think is a waste of time and could set them up for a fall.

I would stop all contact, if he wants to take the kids out, he should come to you and ask from now on. Then sit back and wait for him to come and get them on his own accord... You will be waiting a long time.

So sorry Op. I am in the same boat.

A weekend of "work" once was a trip to London for a rugby weekend.

I asked for two consecutive weekends this month as my DP doesn't have his DD due to her holiday, and we wanted two weekends together, the first time in we wouldn't be grabbing odd nights together. He got suspicious about why and immediately invented a training course over a weekend.

Always breaking the agreements and never being reliable enough for anything. Even on normal weekends when I don't have plans I am on tenterhooks until the Friday evening pick up time is texted and he turns up at the train station. Until then there is no guarantee.

I can't have a life of my own with my own plans 100% in place. The background stress is just awful.

In future where he can never be plan A, make him Plan B.

Make arrangements for all 3 to go with Sitters as someone said up thread. Go to the wedding. Rise above it and don't text him about costs.

Showing him your anger is still showing a reaction he can get out of you. He'd enjoy that no doubt. My ex seems to relish the drama of it all. Keep that window on your world completely closed and forget ever relying on him again for anything.

It's not the fair way, or the right way...but for you it is the sane and calm way.

Thanks everyone. I'm quite surprised at the number of people that have suggested cutting contact, I thought that was the absolute thing you shouldn't do, unless there was a risk of violence of course.

I really wouldn't want to do that to the DC. He's not a horrible man, just very lazy and doesn't want any bother or responsibility. Even if I did it to drive a court agreement, as a few people have said its not worth the paper it's written on anyway in terms of making him show up, and also from what I've heard any judge would look very unfavourably on me if I had cut contact.

I know that I really have no choice but to let it go, try and rise above it, never rely on him for childcare without a backup plan and all that stuff, but I'm just not there yet. I feel so so angry and I know I'm only hurting myself.

It's just ridiculous that I should have to make secondary childcare arrangements should I ever want to plan anything on his weekends.

May show up at his on Monday morning and say 'I'm working today so here's the children'

Anyway, sitters have someone that can do 3pm-12pm so I can do a bit of a handover at the hotel before the ceremony and make sure they're comfortable. The hotel we'll be at is big so she can take them for dinner and do games and DVD in the room. I've asked that she call me first thing today to go through it all so hoping she sounds nice and that will all work out. I guess all sorted so all's well that ends well, but doesn't take away from the fact that it's costing me and that I'll be up at 6am in a hotel room with 2 children after a late night when I should be having a lie in! They're good kids though so it'll be great and they're excited for an adventure.

I can't get the cms to increase his maintenance as they only reduce it once the non resident has the child/ren more than 52 nights a year anyway which clearly he is way off.

And whoever suggested not offering alternatives if he couldn't make it - that's easy as he never asks for alternatives and if I suggest them then guess what... He's "working" of course.

The problem is, kids can sense that a parent cant be bothered, that they are an inconvenience, from a young age. I first knew it at 5/6 years old. My mum can remember me saying to her once 'dad doesn't like us very much does he'

Its important for children to have stability and continuity with both parents, not weekend after weekend of wondering if dad can be arsed to turn up. He should look forward to seeing them every weekend ffs! They are his children!!

He's lucky now that they are at the age they think the sun shines out of his undeserving arse. That will soon change, they will soon decide themselves to stop being messed around by him.

Just read through this. What a horrible man, eugh. Single parents with rubbish exes, I take my hat off to you all. I really don't know how you do it. Glad you've managed to get a sitter OP, completely rubbish you've had to though :(. One day your kids will be older and they'll remember all this and how crap he was.

I am in the same situation - almost exactly. Ex sodded off on holiday for one month with 1 week notice missing 4 contacts and I just had to go with it. I even rearranged everything so he could have one make up weekend. His solicitor actually wrote and said: "ah actually thanks for organising that but he has realised he at work Monday and hasn't got any childcare"

Real irony coming up-we are in court because he wants 50/50. Riiiiiiiiiiiiight.

"Dumping" is what the dad is doing. It refers to the last minute let down. We would all love to have the children 100% of the time. We can't because contact enforcement only works one way and it is supposed to be best for them. Doesn't mean that you shouldn't expect notice or compensation. Because this would be reciprocal.

No advice OP, just

No advice either but wanted to say that you sound lovely OP. Very calm and level headed in such a stressful situation. Your children are lucky to have you.

Hope you do have a lovely day anyway. I really believe you are doing what is best for your children by not cutting contact. Do they mention seeing paternal Grandparents ? Maybe a future option? My friend's DC visited DGP s regularly and their dad just saw them there. They never let them down.