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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect childcare to be DCs fathers issue on his weekends?

100 replies

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 09:36

This is going to be long. I am furious. I need help. I've Nc for this as paranoid I'll be recognised.

I've got 2 DCs with my ex, aged 5 and 6. I've also got another DC aged 1 with my DP.

Ex has been pretty rubbish at contact ever since we split up four years ago, and it's just not getting any better at all. Initially the agreement was EOW and 1 night in the week as that seemed standard. He does sometimes work at weekends and in the evenings but when we were together it was all in his control ? and not that frequent. The excuses started coming thick and fast within months of the split, that he was "working" and so couldn't have them. At one stage he was having them probably less than a quarter of the times he was supposed to letting me down both with lots of notice or with very short notice.

He then added to the complexity by moving away and so agreed to have them just one weekend per month as the weekdays were no longer feasible and his "work commitments" meant he needed to cut down on weekends. He has stuck to this for about six months and I was happy with it as at least it was predictable, stable contact, but it's his weekend this coming weekend and he's emailed this morning to let me know he can't have them as he apparently agreed to work ages and didn't realise the clash.....

I have plans this weekend to go to a wedding on the other side of the country with my DP. I am paying a friend (who is also a nanny) to have DC1 from Saturday morning until Sunday afternoon. She has 3 children of her own and so I can't ask her to also have the two older DC (not to mention I haven't got the money to pay for them as well). I have nobody else to ask, my DM died last year and my DF would not manage on his own with such a young baby. My DPs parents live quite a long way away and would probably help usually (with plenty of notice) but they're currently on holiday.

I am going to have to miss the wedding aren't I. I am so hugely angry I feel like I might explode. There is never a single time that HE has to organise his life around the children because he just dumps them on me. How on earth is this allowed or fair or moral? I love my children to bits of course I do but why is it that he doesn't have to take any responsibility and I have to take it all? I work full time and have to organise childcare for them and stuff, I emailed back that he would need to find suitable childcare for them this weekend as I had plans and he replied that it was my problem to sort not his.

I am literally apoplectic with rage. It's nothing that he hasn't done a thousand times before and he's impacted on my plans so many before but I've just accepted it and cancelled them, or made other arrangements but this time he's really taken the biscuit. I've paid for a new dress, hotel room etc. in preparation but more than that I was so looking forward to it.

And the fact is there is NOTHING I can do. We don't have a court agreement for contact and even if we did I can't make him show up. I just have to suck it up.

I am so mad I am crying angry tears. AIBU? I genuinely don't know? I don't feel as if I am but as the resident parent should I not expect that I can ever plan anything? Is this what it?s like for other people?

OP posts:

Original poster

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 11:53

No idea what he thinks, there is no chance of a reasonable conversation with him, he just repeats over and over that he's working and it's my problem.

So so frustrating that there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless. The and DC still think he's super dad. Which before anyway says it, I know is the best thing for them. Still crap though and bloody unfair.

OP posts:

SurlyValentine · 07/08/2015 12:08

It really is completely unfair, and so frustrating that there is absolutely fuck all you can do about it.

DP has two DCs that are with us EOW and (very rarely) something crops up on his weekend that means he has to ask his DM to have them. If his DM couldn't have them, we would ask my DPs. He wouldn't dream of saying to his ex that she needed to sort childcare out on his weekend, mostly because he isn't a twat.

I don't know how sitters.co.uk works, but if it's the same price regardless of the number of children and their ages, could you cancel your friend minding your youngest to save you some cash?

Original poster

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 12:11

Sorry for terrible wording and spelling, cannot see through my madness.

I meant:-
So so frustrating that there is nothing I can do. I feel helpless. The and DC still think he's super dad. Which before anyway anyone says it, I know is the best thing for them. Still crap though and bloody unfair.

OP posts:

ApocalypseThen · 07/08/2015 12:13

In that case, I would suggest that if he ever wants to see your children again, he needs to take you to court.

IsItMeOr · 07/08/2015 12:23

Hope you can find a solution for this weekend OP.

I am no expert, but it does sound like you could benefit from some advice (CAB? Family lawyer?) on the options you have which might encourage Ex to buck his ideas up, while still keeping your DCs best interests at heart (as you are clearly doing).

It does sound like you have tried. And like he is a useless excuse of a parent.

Wolpertinger · 07/08/2015 12:25

Can I just say, it isn't necessarily the best thing for the kids to think he's super dad?

I am in no way suggesting that you start slagging him off, but effectively you are modelling to them that this is a great way for dads to behave in relationships - not really what you want when they are 25.

It's also not great for them as they grow up to see you as crap mummy who stops them doing stuff (prob because he hasn't paid child support) and him to be super dad.

It's fine in an age appropriate manner to let them know about problems you are facing as a family and why that might be eg dad has changed plans at last minute.

Stormtreader · 07/08/2015 12:32

"This is your weekend, so its your babysitter, im being generous in even offering to help set it up for you. If you cant be trusted to take responsibility for looking after them on your weekend then you clearly cant be trusted with them at all"

Griphook · 07/08/2015 12:34

What about your ex mil, whilst your ex is a twat but she might be glad to see them?

I would also all be out next time it's his turn to collect the children.

Phoenix0x0 · 07/08/2015 12:35

What about his parents? Could they not babysit their grandchildren? Would this work?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/08/2015 12:38

The problem with using legal remedies is they can only force the parent who has the child to make them availible, they cannot force the other parent to show up

JumpingJack56 · 07/08/2015 12:41

'Actually as this was pre-arranged YOUR weekend with our children, the responsibility of childcare is down to you. Our children are not an option to be picked up and dropped at your convenience whenever you want, you barely have any responsibility for them anyway and the fact you can't even manage your diary sufficiently enough to ensure that your work commitments don't clash with the 24 days a year (out of 365) that you see them speaks volumes not just to me but to them.'

Twinkle186 · 07/08/2015 13:10

What Stormtreader said.

If he doesn't want to be a parent and take responsibility for his children, maybe he'd prefer to have all of his weekends free in future. It's not fair to the children that he decides to drop them whenever he feels like it, surely it is upsetting for them. He's their father, they should be his first priority.

Original poster

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 13:48

I agree with everything everyone's saying. The reason I haven't sought any advice before now is that I thought that there was nothign I could do except spend money I don't have in court and then he still wouldn't have to stick to whatever we agreed anyway.

His parents haven't spoken to me since we split up so I have no idea what they think. I was never that close to them as they lived a couple of hours away from us and we never saw them but from what I gather he has become closer to them since we split.

My only option seems to be to stop him seeing them altogether which I understand is a big no-no, even though I am certain he would never challenge me in court if I did that. But I'd still have to answer the children's questions as to why they don't see him anymore.

I don't cover for him but I do try not to speak badly of him. If he's said he can't see them in the past I just tell them he's said he is busy, I refuse to say he's working as half the time I don't believe he is. When he sees them he tells them he was working and they just seem to accept it and not mind at all. Generally I try and say nothing at all.

I'd be pretty happy (for myself) if he just pissed off and I never saw him again but I'd feel so sorry for the kids, they do seem to like going

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pelicancrossing · 07/08/2015 13:51

He is a piece of work... I am gobsmacked at his nerve. "Pay for your own babysitter" - honestly, he's no father.
It may be underhand, but I would definitely contact his parents and without using any emotive language, describe what the situation is. I would forward his texts to his parents. It probably won't make any difference this weekend, but may in the future. I would definitely pursue the legal route. I feel so sorry for you, and if I wasn't a complete random on t'internet, I would offer to look after your DC for you so you could enjoy the wedding Let us know what happens and good luck!

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 07/08/2015 13:54

I sent him a text and said that Elementary - his response is below:-
Pay for your own babysitter.

So reply and say "Your weekend, your children, your babysitter." I know none of this is likely to make him pay up, but he needs to be made to confront what he's doing, and it's all ammunition if you end up in court. Is he paying maintenance?

RedDaisyRed · 07/08/2015 13:57

We need to get the law changed to force men to have children 50% of the time. I have my children 365 nights a year which I suppose at least is straight forward!

Newlywed56 · 07/08/2015 14:06

All I can say is, in the future your children will know who cared for them the most and put their needs first always. My father was sporadically in and out of my life, would make plans then cancel at the last minute or sometimes not even cancel just doesn't turn up. Children I think notice these things more than adults realise as I have early memories of it - probably around 5 years old!

Findtheoldme · 07/08/2015 14:09

I used to be a nanny and I've just been looking for any short term, emergency jobs. Could that be an option? Might be a higher rate than expected but equally you could get a reasonable bill.

Good luck and definitely get something official in place. He doesn't deserve lovely children when he is being a twat.

LadyCuntingtonThe3rd · 07/08/2015 14:17

I would probably cut all the contact and said to DC that "daddy is saying that he is working. I'm not sure whether it's true, but that's what he says." After a while they will just stop asking.

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 07/08/2015 14:31

If you're happy to can you post on any local Facebook groups looking for last minute child care? People do it on my local groups all the time. And as the above poster said, there are often nannies and childminders looking for work. It's just a thought.

He really is awful.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 07/08/2015 14:33

We need to get the law changed to force men to have children 50% of the time. I have my children 365 nights a year which I suppose at least is straight forward!

People being forced to have their children is not usually great for the children from a protection from abuse perspective.

And besides aren't most of your kids adults or as near to it?

OhBigHairyBollocks · 07/08/2015 14:33

What jumpingjack said. Reply saying that. What a bastard!

Original poster

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 14:44

He is paying maintenance but only because I went through the CMS, before that he did sometimes but only when he felt like it and the amount varied wildly.

Now he does pay because he has to although we've just had the annual review and it's dropped a fair bit so I imagine he's moulding his earnings or increased his pension to minimise it. It's ?220 per month so doesn't go far but I know a lot more than some people get.

OP posts:

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 07/08/2015 14:47

Does he do much with them when he does have them?

Original poster

writingsonthewall · 07/08/2015 14:51

He does enough to keep them entertained. They visit friends with children quite a bit by the sounds of it, and they visit his girlfriends family most times too. Sometimes does the park and things like that. Lazy mornings at home seem to feature. That's about it. They enjoy it by the sounds of it.

OP posts:

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