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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To possibly not want to go back to work... Ever.

71 replies

IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 08:05

Am donning flameproof suit for this but I'm genuinely curious as to people's thoughts.

To give background, I am a stay at home Mum to 4 children under 9. I have been home for 5 years now, as we moved away for my husbands work 5 years ago and I stopped work then, we've since moved home but I have not worked due to a tiny baby.

My tiny baby is nearly 2 now though, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might not want to go back to work at all. I actually like being at home with the children and being a sometimes "housewife." I even make my husband his lunch for work out of choice ;) because I'm making three kids worth anyway so may as well

Realistically, I cannot go back to work for at least 8 years anyway, as our eldest is autistic and needs me at home more and more as he gets older. I am officially his carer, but had considered working when he was in secondary school. I'm not sure this will be possible now.

After that though, I won't have worked for 12+ years. Will I even be able to? AIBU to quite enjoy the thought that I won't necessarily have to?

N.B my husband earns a high enough wage that I won't "need" to go back at all, but I'm young and feel immense pressure that I should at some point anyway. Hmm

OP posts:
woowoo22 · 07/08/2015 08:06

Do what you want, need and are able to do. Your life.

pinktrufflechoc · 07/08/2015 08:07

No, you don't have to.

I'm a bit like you. Don't need to work, and not sure I will, although I'm supposed to be starting a job in 2016 it's already causing a lot of aggro so not sure I will.

You will be told your husband will walk out and leave you penniless, though.

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 08:08

Oh will be? Never mind, we don't have enough "pennies" to worry about that particularly anyway. Though I suppose I would then become a clutches pearls benefit claimant. Shocking. (Or I could change my mind and go to work)

OP posts:
Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 08:08

HE, not be. Stupid phone.

OP posts:
greenfolder · 07/08/2015 08:09

Never say never but just make peace with your decision. I have been a working mum for 20 years. For the first 5 I constantly examined that choice and worried incessantly that I was doing the wrong thing, making the wrong decision. Then I decided to think about it once every 6 months! Makes for a happier life.

pinktrufflechoc · 07/08/2015 08:10

What did you do prior to having your children?

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 07/08/2015 08:12

Not unreasonable. Wasn't women's lib in huge part about women having choice, not just choice of what career as it seems to be now, but genuine choice- where housewife is as valid a choice for like path as anything else.

tobysmum77 · 07/08/2015 08:13

in what way is this possibly unreasonable? It's a free country.

WyrdByrd · 07/08/2015 08:14

Do what you're happy with & what suits your family.

I've always worked p/t since having DD and was anticipating increasing my hours once she went to secondary school.

She'll be 11 in September & seems to need me more the older she gets. I also now have elderly & increasingly unwell parents to deal with, so there's no way I can work full time for the forseeable future.

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 08:15

In previous lives I have worked with children both at nursery and secondary level and also dabbled in pharmacy related stuffs.

Decaff that's my take on it but everywhere I look/see it seems that I am in fact betraying the women's lib movement by enjoying being at home.

OP posts:
Fishwives · 07/08/2015 08:16

I assumed from the start of your post that returning to work was imminent, OP. Why are you giving it so much thought if it's at least 8 years away? Is there anything you would be doing differently now if you knew you would be returning to work then - freelancing, volunteering, retraining? If so, I would still do them, and keep my options open. I think it's far too early to decide you will not want or need a job in eight years.

WishIWasWonderwoman · 07/08/2015 08:18

YANBU at all, whatever works for you and your family.

Personally I would suggest keeping up some form of part time work, even volunteer work, to stop the 12 year gap or else being prepared to retrain in case you change your mind or, heaven forbid, something terrible happens in the future that leaves you as sole breadwinner.

But it's your choice and you seem to have a massively demanding role with four children, especially with your eldest child needing a carer (you!).

WishIWasWonderwoman · 07/08/2015 08:18

Is that a euphemism for drug dealing outside schools?

Preciousbane · 07/08/2015 08:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PowderMum · 07/08/2015 08:22

OP This plan worked well for my DM, not a 50's housewife but an active 80's mum with extra interests/hobbies and a spread out (in age) family. Yes she did the bulk of the childcare and housework, whilst supporting my DF and his business but they were a successful team and it worked for them, even though when she gave up work she had a higher salary and better job prospects.

Or as an up-to-date example my SIL loves kids, only ever had one job from school, minimum wage, no job satisfaction, so post kids she 'qualified' as a childminder and does this all above board to fit in around her children and lifestyle for a little extra money to the family finances.

I have been a WOHP for 18 years and if I had my time again I may well choose your path. But that is with wonderful hindsight and a lot of reading MN!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/08/2015 08:27

I sort of fell into bring a Sahm after child care costs with ds2 didn't add up to my working in a job, then I had ds3 which elongated the whole stage of needing childcare. And here I am 16 years later still a Sahm. And loving it.

Jamrollypolly · 07/08/2015 08:29

Obviously it's up to you if you decide to return to work or not, although I can totally understand your reasons not to. As someone who has been a sahm for the last 10 years please ensure you update your skills regularly as you never know what the future holds, my husband has been made redundant after 14 years working for the same employer in a high paying role. You never know what is round the corner. Good luck.

Bambambini · 07/08/2015 08:29

I don't work and havent for over 13 years and have no real want to return to a stressful full time work environment. It has it's pros and cons and i need to be doing more really for me and to stretch me more and for self esteem (and to be less lazy). It's also a issue if we split, but i have no desire to really go back to work.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 07/08/2015 08:43

I was a SAHM for 6 years then circumstances meant I had to get a job and start earning.

My ds's are all older now, I'm glad I've got a job and earn my own money albeit not a well paid one.

There's always that 'what if'; you and your dh split, his job becomes untenable, finances take an unexpected dip.

I do think you need to keep an interest in something, even if it's doing one afternoon volunteering, keep people aware of who you are so to speak.

pinktrufflechoc · 07/08/2015 08:48

I know one woman who never had a paid job - daughter of the vicar.

She met a boy at church when she was at university, got married the summer we graduated and did an MA and must have got pregnant whilst on the course. She had her first child in April 2005 and had two more children and she's never worked - don't think she ever will.

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 08:59

Drug dealing?! Nooooooo, I had a Saturday/holiday job in a pharmacy when I was still at school lol!

OP posts:
bambooyoohoo · 07/08/2015 09:00

I always weigh into these threads as the voice of doom and gloom... If you are able, it's always worth keeping your skills up somehow. I was a SAHM when my exH left me on my own with 2 DC aged 5 and 3. Luckily I found a job, but the loss of skills and income due to not working for 5 years was massive. If I had my time again I would never have quit work and made myself so vulnerable.

Original poster
IAmLynetteScavo · 07/08/2015 09:04

I am still completing an English degree with OU so I am hoping I can use that to train for something I have no idea what for something in future.

I can also volunteer at DCs preschool and they put you through NVQ for free so that's an option I'm seriously considering.

I'm thinking about it now because although DC1 does need me, he also goes to school 9-3.30 so when the youngest two DCs are both in school I know I will get bored and frustrated!

OP posts:
Indomitable · 07/08/2015 09:04

I know a couple of women (not well) who started families whilst very young, had many children and have never worked.

The thought absolutely terrifies me for many of the reasons stated above. What if something happens to DH? What if we split up? What if I took time out but wanted to go back and couldn't because I had no recent experience? I'm terrified for the women I know in this position. (Although I know it's none of my business).

In reality though, I'm not cut out to be a SAHM and I have a huge respect for anyone who can do it.

Do what works for you, OP. (Even though the thought of it terrifies me and others like me!)

Ilovecrapcrafts · 07/08/2015 09:11

Honestly my thoughts are if you haven't established a career and if you're not used to using your brain in that way there is far less to miss. Would I be eager to go back to work as a Saturday girl or nursery nurse? No. At the same time I find being at home pretty dull and it doesn't seem to be... Much, if you know what I mean. But then neither would some jobs be

I think you're going to struggle to get back into work after 12 years with no skills, but it's doable.