To possibly not want to go back to work... Ever.

[IAmLynetteScavo]

Am donning flameproof suit for this but I'm genuinely curious as to people's thoughts.

To give background, I am a stay at home Mum to 4 children under 9. I have been home for 5 years now, as we moved away for my husbands work 5 years ago and I stopped work then, we've since moved home but I have not worked due to a tiny baby.

My tiny baby is nearly 2 now though, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might not want to go back to work at all. I actually like being at home with the children and being a sometimes "housewife." I even make my husband his lunch for work out of choice ;) because I'm making three kids worth anyway so may as well

Realistically, I cannot go back to work for at least 8 years anyway, as our eldest is autistic and needs me at home more and more as he gets older. I am officially his carer, but had considered working when he was in secondary school. I'm not sure this will be possible now.

After that though, I won't have worked for 12+ years. Will I even be able to? AIBU to quite enjoy the thought that I won't necessarily have to?

N.B my husband earns a high enough wage that I won't "need" to go back at all, but I'm young and feel immense pressure that I should at some point anyway.

What is all this with being. 'Kept woman' , I'm not kept we are married what we have is jointly ours , and I agree with joanneg20 , my dd had to drop out of mainstream education at 12 due to ill health and I now HE - it's fortunate that I was already a SAHM because circumstances have meant that one of us needed to be .

Yanbu. I have been a SAHM for 17 yrs to my 5 children. Now they are all at school I am about to retrain in a good (well paid) job. I have loved my time at home. No regrets. But it can affect the self esteem when people judge you, I don't care anymore but did at first. I finished an OU degree this year which helped me get on a competitive training course. I also helped in my DC school and attended social groups to keep the confidence.

Wouldn't everyone prefer not to work? Or a lot of people anyway. Is your husband happy to support you financially even when the children will be at school. Personally I think parents should work if they can. I think it sets a work ethic for children. How can you say 'you need to work hard at school to get a good job,' when you yourself don't work and haven't done for much of their lifetime. However each to their own and you aren't doing anyone any harm. If you and your family are happy with the situation then I don't see the problem. However I know I wouldn't financially support someone for the rest of their lives. Children become adults and move on. I'd end up resenting the person I was financing. That might just be me though. I don't know.

I have been a sahm for 4 years and my mental health really crumbled. I've only got the 1 child aswell!! About to start a pt job to get that sense of self and sanity back.

Hats off to you sahms who care for your families at home for years.

if you enjoy being at home why on earth not?

if you need money or to make more money then stuff like selling parties (my friend in USA sold Silpada jewellery and educational toys (like Early Learning).

maybe you could study/work from home/run your own business/charity work - all things one of my mum's friends does who has a rich business-man husband

Ah I just saw - well complete your OU and think about the options, no need to do it now.

and get the NVQ for free through DC's playgroup - great you are volunteering!

Wouldnt everyone refer not to work?

Honestly, that attitude is alien to me. I chose I field I loved, studied for years to get the qualifications I needed, and work is a cornerstone of my identity as a human being, quite apart from the salary. I also have a child, but that hasn't fundamentally altered my sense of self, or my assumption that everyone, mitigating circumstances aside, would prefer to be financially self-supporting if possible, even if their work isn't something they're wildly enthused by.

Super, I have no idea what selling parties pull in, but I'd be surprised if the OP could support four children on it.

Joanneg20- surely your point just highlights that it's important for both partners to have a good work life balance, and for neither one to feel they've had to make a massive sacrifice, whether that's sacrificjing a career or family time?

It doesn't surprise me In the slightest in 2015 that many women aren't prepared to completely sacrifice their career, and possibly years spent gaining skills and experience, and equally that many men don't want the pressure of being sole earner and the sacrifice of family time that can entail.

For the OP, it sounds more as though she's a SAHM due to circumstances outside her control thoigh

My DH definitely prefers it when I don't work.

Fishwives my friend made a fair bit from her selling parties and got holiday to Caribbean and Florida out of it.... it didn't support 4 children but supplemented her DH's income and she had 2 children.

there is always a lot of assuming that SAHM don't work....................... I am not saying anything else.

Yes, me not working makes my husband's life easier - not harder. Gives him a lot more freedom in his work and for his hobbies and friends etc.

As i said, wouldn't necessarily recommend it to young people but our circumstances are different to many of our friends.

Sounds fair enough. I know various families with grown up kids now where mum has never WOH although busy with volunteer work etc. Seem to have happy well adjusted secure kids TBH.

I hope you have a back up plan and good life/income protection insurance for your DH, mortgage, wills etc. It's a wise precaution when you depend on one income. Unfortunate things can happen suddenly and you go from being happy family wife to Single Mum on Benefits in a few weeks, and that sucks. Sorry but I've seen that happen at close quarters! I'm sure your marriage is secure but people do get made redundant/run over by buses/ struck down by illness etc. Anything that keeps your IT skills up to date is worth it.

Otherwise, fair play to you and your family!

I would prefer not to work so YANBU.

one if my children has severe ASD and severe LD and I work 2 jobs (one school hours and one home based (PC) late in the evenings and during the weekend and if there was a chance that I could give up work and keep the roof over our house I would jump at this chance. being a carer is hard but having to keep down a job (or two) is hell!

I am a SAHM and have been for 15 years. Couple of points. You need life assurance as well as your DH as if you were not there to do the SAHP role he would need to cover it. If you were working with a pension scheme this would be automatic and also by not working you lose what little state help is available on a contributory rather than means tested basis. You should also look at your state pension entitlement as CB only contributes until child is 12. If you receive carer's allowance then this will cover you.

In your situation I think it is difficult to see into the future and plan accordingly and it sounds like you are making the most of training / volunteering opportunities available to grow your skills and options. You also sound like you already have a pretty full time role and I think it is easy to overlook the costs to the whole family of going out to work.

You will be told your husband will walk out and leave you penniless, though

so the collective experience of literally hundreds of women who have 'been there, done that' means nothing at all?

Having 'been there, done that' myself, I can assure you that the decisions my ex and I made in marriage have had a permanent affect on my long-term finances. In short, I will never fully recover. And I consider myself lucky because I had an education and work experience that enabled me to re-train and get back to work relatively quickly following my marriage breakdown.

Knowing what I know now, I would only consider being a SAHM if the following were put in place:

• life insurance which not only deals with death but with long-term illness and disability on both sides. This would ensure that the children could continue with their current 'lifestyle' should something happen to either of us.
• insurance to cover mortgage payments in the event of redundancy of the only worker
• private pension payments were made to equal those of the working parent for the stay at home parent.
• savings were held in equal amounts in accounts or by some other means which were in our own names (ensuring that a soon-to-be-ex husband on the verge of walking out wasn't able to wipe out savings as his parting gift from the joint account. Please don't assume your husband would never do this - the involvement of another woman in particular turns decent men into demons).
• childcare to enable me to volunteer on a regular basis in the field that I intend to return to work in and money set aside for qualification updating, the purchase of industry literature etc. as required to be able to go back to work as quickly as possible when required.

Just having a conversation with your DH to discuss putting in place these essential safety nets would reveal something of his attitude to 'the worst case scenario' happening. That in itself may help you make a decision.

You never know what's around the corner and talk with your DP about contingency planning against eg redundancy, critical illness or even death (my mum was widowed in her early 40s with 4 children under 13 and was saved by the fact that the life insurance paid the mortgage, plus small payments from my dad's pension, and much more generous benefit system than now).

Make sure eg all your major outgoings - mortgage, any school fees etc - are covered by life insurance.

Good idea to keep your skills up to date.

Worth noting that if you were unmarried, even if co-habiting with children for years and years, your legal position would be far less secure than if you are married.

I completely agree that work/life balance for both partners is the ideal but this is very hard to achieve (we have it in theory but it's still very tough). My only point in mentioning terminal illness etc was that you can't make decisions based on fear and worst case scenarios. If something terrible happened (husband leaving etc) then of course a lot of SAHMs would wish we'd chosen differently. All I was saying is that there are a lot of things that could happen to me that would make me regret working as hard as I do as well. It's very hard to find the perfect balance and everyone just does their best!

I think you're right to be looking into volunteering and doing distance learning, but you sound pretty sussed to me - your DC needs you and will continue to do so, which limits your options and you are doing everything possible to keep yourself up to speed with things that interest you. You strik e me as a realist, not someone who expects to walk into an all-singing all dancing job in a cloud of twinkling fairy dust - so do what you feel you should.

Thanks for all your responses, very interesting to hear it from both sides without judgement. This is new to me!

Just wanted to say, we both have very comprehensive life insurance, no mortgage but the insurance is more than enough to buy a suitable property outright and maintain it for some years. DH also has an extremely good company pension and sickness policy through work, and further life insurance on himself through his employment. I do not worry what would happen if her were to, God forbid, become sick or die. I saw a friend lose her husband tragically young last year and was horrified that they had no life insurance! She was extremely fortunate that he had a policy (that they didn't even know about) through work!

If he left me, yes, I would be fucked. Sadly though, as others have said, I'm not sure there's much I can do about that. I'm a full time carer, in receipt of carers allowance. There's only so much I'd be "allowed" to work anyway.

My youngest is 8 and I've not worked since she was born. Dh has a hectic job often needing him to be away so it was just easier for me to take the slack at home. My line of work was stressful and I never really enjoyed it.

I thought I'd be happy like this forever, I love my own company and enjoy keeping the house nice etc. However, youngest dd is getting more grown up and independent by the day and elder dd has started looking at degrees and talking about a career. I found myself strangely getting a bit jealous of her. I'm now going to uni and hopefully will have a second chance at a career.

I guess I'm saying you may change your mind as you start to be 'needed' less by your family.