To possibly not want to go back to work... Ever.

[IAmLynetteScavo]

Am donning flameproof suit for this but I'm genuinely curious as to people's thoughts.

To give background, I am a stay at home Mum to 4 children under 9. I have been home for 5 years now, as we moved away for my husbands work 5 years ago and I stopped work then, we've since moved home but I have not worked due to a tiny baby.

My tiny baby is nearly 2 now though, and the more I think about it, the more I think I might not want to go back to work at all. I actually like being at home with the children and being a sometimes "housewife." I even make my husband his lunch for work out of choice ;) because I'm making three kids worth anyway so may as well

Realistically, I cannot go back to work for at least 8 years anyway, as our eldest is autistic and needs me at home more and more as he gets older. I am officially his carer, but had considered working when he was in secondary school. I'm not sure this will be possible now.

After that though, I won't have worked for 12+ years. Will I even be able to? AIBU to quite enjoy the thought that I won't necessarily have to?

N.B my husband earns a high enough wage that I won't "need" to go back at all, but I'm young and feel immense pressure that I should at some point anyway.

On a personal level, DH has been made redundant 4 times in 3 years and the idea of one salary terrifies me

Yes, although i don't work - i wouldn't really recommend it to young people, especially young women or girls.

I was a SAHM for 6 years and loved it but now work full time.

Most of my friends are SAHMs to school age children and don't plan on ever returning to work.

I think if your DH is fine with it and you are fine with it then it's nobodies business but your own.

However I would put steps in place to ensure that you and your children are not vulnerable if heaven forbid something happens to your DH (gets ill or injured, dies or loses his job)

Something else to think about. I know a lady in her fifties who is currently really struggling now her children have left home as she feels like she has no purpose and really regrets and is resentful of not having had a career. (Even though it was entirely her choice) she's taking steps to remedy it now but it's very hard.

I'm predominantly a SAHM ,and have been for 23 years , however I'm a Nurse so I've always down enough shifts ( bank) to maintain my registration - always with the theory that if DH did get made redundant I could go to work . As it is I've worked less and less and will probably stop altogether in the next couple of years . It's an arrangement that works well for us . With your background in childcare perhaps you could consider child minding in the future OP .

Ilovecrapcrafts makes a good point. Better to equip yourself with a good career because then your acting from a position of choice. Even if you stop working, you have a track record of skills and experience. If you've never worked, or only had low paid unskilled work, then tbh being at home is probably the best default option rather than a proactive choice.

It's your life OP, so only you can decide. Incidentally I don't think people who raise issues about protecting your future are scaremongering. It's a valid point. You can have the best marriage in the world but your DH can still get sick/ made redundant or even just decide that he wants a better work life balance and that the sole earner set up doesn't fulfil his needs any more. It's not all about feckless husbands running off! There are so many variables and nowadays the concept of the husband doing a job for life and singlehandedly supporting his family just isn't a reality. Job security is not what it used to be apart from anything else.

If you and your husband and children are genuinely all happy with the set up and it's financially doable then I think you need to just get on with it and not worry about the fact that other people take a different path

you're

I have no idea why you think that this is unreasonable or you might be flamed. Reading between the lines I'd guess that if you're worrying now about a decision 10 years down the line you're not actually that happy about it and are worried about employability. I don't know much about this area - I didn't take much of a career break as I was worried about this - but I'm sure you can find advice on it if need be.

Women's liberation isn't about every women being in paid employment.

All mothers work- it's just the work we do is unpaid and mostly in valued by society. Women's liberation/feminism is about recognising this.

There's nothing wrong with being a sahm but it can have negative consequences eg huge financial problems if DP dies/leaves, relationship problems if there is resentment, issues with being a role model to DCs, etc.

Don't do it just because you feel pressure.

I moved abroad with dh and gave up work then. I became a housewife at first because I couldn't even get a job in lidl and had a couple of failed business ventures behind me.

I then had dd and am finding being at home with her the most fulfilling job I've ever had and I'm pg again. I live close to my inlaws who want to spend more time with dd. Yesterday they had her all day and I didn't know what to do with myself. If they want to make a regular thing of it I would have to find something else to do. I would struggle getting back into work too. Dh has his own business and I think I'd rather work for him than do housework. I would prefer not to ever have to work for anyone else again. And we are not well off at all.

I don't have anything in place if anything happens to dh and a few people have warned me about that.

I do think about the future. I think I'd do a qualification by distance learning first before I got into looking for work even if I don't end up using it I think it would be a good achievement. I have a friend who is in a similar situation her dc don't need her as much now and she doesn't need to work so she just fills her life with personal challenges and nobody judges her.

Once your children are grown up that makes you a kept woman though surely? Lazy imo.

YANBU at all - it's up to you and your DH.

But your youngest is only 2 so you may find you change your mind. Personally I loved being a SAHM when my DC were little, but now they're all at school I am back at work and have really enjoyed re-discovering my career.

No, you're right mellow I'm not always completely happy about it, by realistically the choice has been taken from me by DC1s diagnosis and so I'm stuck. That irritates me a lot, but I can't change it so I'm trying to think positively! It's not helped by the fact that I'm not really sure what I even want to eventually do anyway!

I was a SAHM mum for 15 years then went to college (aged 38) for two years and qualified as a nursery nurse. I've now had a very rewarding 20 years working in a job I've loved. I feel I've had the best of both worlds and I certainly don't regret the years I spent at home.

Yep, very lazy. No fucks given about that let's forget the permanently disabled child

As everyone else has said it is your choice to do what is best for you and your family. I have chosen to always be a WOHP. There are many reasons for this- I worked extremely hard to make it in a male dominated profession and did not want to throw away all the years of studying and hard work by leaving due to having a baby, I felt personally that my brain was not challenged in the same way at home with the DC, growing up I had seen my parents struggle financially and never wanted to be in that position & I think it is important to show my DC that women can have careers, I am very independent and did not want to take money from DH when I am perfectly capable of working at this time. Some things I had not thought about when deciding to return to work have happened since I had DC- my DH has been under threat of redundancy several times in last 3 years (he was lucky & wasn't made redundant but may still be), my old job is under attack by the government cuts and so I had to have a career change which led to my income doubling. I now have a very good salary which means if DH is made redundant, or can only find PT work for example I can pay the mortgage and keep us going on my own income. This has taken the pressure off him massively. People talk of unforeseen things such as death. I currently know 2 families with SAHM where DH have cancer and are missing lots of work due to treatment but there is no financial support to cover this absence from work. When people say "I am lucky I don't have to work" is that because they're millionaires? I often wonder what financial provision these families have. Do they have pensions, do they have savings for emergency repairs to their homes/cars, or to cover periods of unemployment? Do they have plenty of food and money for leisure activities? What about university fees for DC? Holidays and day trips? I know many of the items I mention are not essentials, but I would not SAH unless I was comfortable all of this could be covered by DH's salary alone. The media is full of reports about how people are struggling financially with cost of living rising and incomes stagnating. I would love to know want incomes the SAHPs' partners' have.

I'd echo the others that say it's a huge risk. What happens if your husband leaves or worse? Do you really want to be a kept women after the children are grown up? Would you not feel any urge to help your husband beat the burden of being the only earner or feel guilty for doing nothing whilst he had no choice but to work as there are bills to be paid?

There's plenty you could do when they are all at school all week, it keeps your hand in, provides adult company and a backup should life go pear shape as it often does.

Stay home if you want, raise your family and embrace the fact you can and enjoy it. Of course you can always go back to something, anything really, you could even retrain or learn a new job even.

Hi - try to do what feels right for you. I was a SAHM for about 10 years although I did do some part-time work. In the early years it was a way of me getting a break from the kids so my DH took care of them on Saturdays and I just got a Saturday job. That job expanded to a part-time job (estate agency). When the DCs were around teenage years I got my first full-time job at a local Hospice which I loved for a while but then the dreaded re-structure came and it all changed so I left. I am now in my 3rd full-time job having been 'restructured' a number of times and am back fulltime in estate agency which I love. you may find you need an outlet for yourself when the DCs get older - or not as the case may be! I know my DCs loved me being at home and would still love it - they are 24 and 22 now (but still going on 2 and 4!!). I don't earn nearly what I used to earn before DCs and am almost 60 now - am taking a different view on what is enough money these days - our lifestyle has dropped and I think will drop some more before we retire. i do think today everyone (including me) is far too money led - we don't need to have all the holidays we expect and go out all the time. Sorry to ramble on - just do what works for you - that's what I have done.

Of course yanbu. Quite apart from anything else, it sounds like you probably won't have much choice about SAH however you feel about it. Can't see how it would benefit women's liberation for you to be totally fucking miserable for the next decade.

That said, I'd definitely try and keep/add another string to your bow. The NVQ for volunteers sounds like an excellent opportunity. None of us know what's round the corner. It isn't just about your DH pissing off and leaving you penniless, though not a single one of us is immune to the possibility of our relationship failing and our partner turning into a twat, however much some of us might like to think that. There are loads of things that could happen that might require you to earn some money, plenty of which are not insurable against. Although if you're going to go down this road, you would be VVU if DH wasn't well insured, because there are some shit hitting fan situations where that would be a great help to you.

Nope. I've considered it but I need my mental stimulation too much so am going back next month. Youngest will be 2 and a little bit! But tbh I think the older the dc are the harder it is... Fortunately I've maintained a flexible career on and off since having dc1 and can work 3 days school hours so can manage play dates, sports etc after school. If I couldn't I wouldn't be going back.

Kept woman here, husband and are both a bit lazy i guess as me not working makes life easier for all of us and less stressful. We don't really want to be overstressed and over worked than necessary.

Interesting thread.

Sometimes are choices are made for us. My DSis is a SAHP because both her children have ASD & finding school holiday clubs that will taken them full time is impossible. She is a qualified professional & does do the odd bit of freelancing but cannot work full time (& despite being more qualified than DBil she has stayed at home as he would struggle to manage with the children full time).

It sounds as if you have the same challenges OP.

Whatever makes you happy OP but please keep your skills and training up to date if time allows and don't become completely reliant on your husband- the future can switch in an instant and to be forced into looking for a job if your choices ever become narrowed would be a very scary prospect. Sorry for the doom and gloom I'm just being realistic.

I always wonder why no-one says on these threads: what if something happens to you or one of your family, heaven forbid, won't working mums regret all the time they spend in the office? And I say that as an almost-full-time WOHM myself! The doomsday SAHM scenario of 'husband leaves you penniless' is always presented but not any other doomsday scenarios.
My point is that you can't make decisions based on fear of a terrible outcome. If I was diagnosed with a terminal illness tomorrow I would undoubtedly regret having spent as much time in the office as I have.

Joanneg20 you probably would regret the amount of time at work, but you would also probably be thankful for the life you've had which has been balanced with family and a career of your own and an income to allow you to do things you wouldn't otherwise have done. Probably the best scenario is a good balance between work and family, but I doubt the SAHPs' partners have that as presumably they're in the office all hours.