DH refuses to have summer baby

[MayAugust]

We started trying for a baby in May. I got pregnant first cycle, then miscarried at six weeks. I didn't get pregnant in either of the two cycles following the miscarriage (I just got my period today).

DH has always said that he doesn't want to have a summer baby because apparently all the kids in his class who were born in the summer didn't do as well academically as those with birthdays earlier in the year. He says there are studies which back this up (I don't know if that's true).

So now he is refusing to try for a baby until January 2016, when the due date would be September onwards.

He keeps saying that he has always been really clear that this is how he feels and that he doesn't want to have a summer baby. This is true. But I think he is being unreasonable. Aside from the fact that his reasoning is completely ridiculous in my opinion, I just don't want to waste all that time given what we've been through so far.

No argument will convince him. I've tried pointing out all the people we know who are born in the summer months and are very successful, or explaining that actually sometimes babies are born several weeks or even months before they are due, or that we might have a child with special needs, or a child that's just not academic whatever month they're born.

Who is being unreasonable?

[Sapat]

Ps I don't know if you work but maybe finances may sway him. Yes my son is the youngest in class and not as academically capable (at the moment, he is in Infants) but he started school at just 4 whereas DD was almost 5. That one less year of full-time nursery was much appreciated (from £1k per month at nursery to £100 after school club).

[ShadowStar]

He's got a point in that statistically, as a whole, summer born children do less well than other children.

But it's important to remember that being summer born doesn't automatically doom a child to failure - there are plenty of other factors that affect academic achievement, and even though summer borns are at a statistical disadvantage, there are still many, many summer born children who grow up into successful adults.

Babies don't always turn up when they're meant to either. DS1 is an August baby, who was 6 weeks premature. If he'd been born full term (after 37 weeks), he'd have been a September / October baby. He's due to start reception this September, and it does concern me that he'll be one of the youngest in the year. I'd be feeling more confident about him settling into school if he was a bit older in the year group, so I do have some sympathy with your DHs point of view. But having said that, I think it's risky to put off TTC in order to try and avoid a summer baby.

[whywhen]

Why is he unreasonable, though? Many summer born children have a much harder time with regards to education. I would avoid that, if I had the choice.

I was born towards the end of August and I was fine, but I'm pretty sure I am not representative of that cohort.

I am hugely apprehensive about my own summer born child starting school, and how he will cope. He's as smart as they come - it's not academia that I care about. He will have difficulties with asking to go the loo; with cutting up his food; with waiting his turn, and all the other things that you learn when you are coming out of toddlerhood.

None of those things are particularly easy for a just turned 4yr old. If I could, I, too, would ensure that my child did not have to tackle age inappropriate barriers.

[TheDowagerCuntess]

The 'move to Scotland / Oz / Timbuktu' suggestions aren't exactly helpful - it's just a different cohort of kids who are disadvantaged.

Around year 4 it all evens out in the wash.

And as an aside, loving the people coming on to give themselves as an example of one person bucking the statistical trend - especially when they claim they're Oxbridge graduates. The irony!

[WaggleBee]

Has he chosen which date? He won't want a Friday the 13th birth if he's choosy and I hear Wednesday's child is full of woe so he'll want to make sure the edd is more towards the weekend.

Seriously, he's being a presumptuous tit. Life can't be planned so precisely unfortunately. It just doesn't work that way.

[Canyouforgiveher]

It seems to me he's not fully prepared for the fact that to a very great extent, you get what you're given.

I think minipie said it best. You can try to conceive a child during the best month for your school system, you can eat all the right veg and fruits, you can do all things the experts tell you are the best things to do in pregnancy and early childhood and you can STILL get blindsided. with children you get what you get and a lot of the advice/statistics/studies just give an illusion of control. Just read the threads about teens where there is often an almost funny disconnect between what parents of non teens will never tolerate in their future teens (because their children will not turn out like that) and what parents of actual teens are dealing with (despite once upon a time thinking their teens would not turn out like that).

honestly if I were young enough and he was really keen not to conceive I'd wait. If I were in my 30s I would not want to wait.

But I think he really does need to think carefully about how his best laid plans could go wrong and certainly won't guarantee any particular outcome.

I have 3 children the youngest a late August baby who is always the youngest in her class. She is the one of the three who finds it by far the easiest academically and socially. Statistics don't translate into a guarantee that your child will find school easier.

[Sighing]

Parental academic scores are more indicative of offspring success than season of birth. Teacher's for eg used to try to have children in September to give them the age advantage. But they're shifting more to maximise free nursery care / holidays.

[chrome100]

He is being v U. I was born in August, so were my dad, my sister and my best friend. We've all done absolutely fine. My friend and sister both have PhDs.

I don't buy this summer baby stuff. Yeah, perhaps there's a small difference in the early years but it soon evens out.

[redcaryellowcar]

I'm afraid he is right, research shows that there is a difference between summer born babies right up to GCSE level, there are of course lots of anecdotal evidence to the contrary (everyone knows someone who was summer born with amazing qualifications etc)
I have a summer born son who starts reception this September, I really wish he'd have born a couple of months later, being September born (or anytime between then and March) just gives them that extra but of time in nursery getting to grips with things before they transition to school. He will get there with writing etc, he has a lovely friend who writes not only her name beautifully but also lots of other stuff too, he has no interest in writing, I think he's going to find school interesting but quite challenging as suddenly he'll realise all the stuff he can't do that everyone else seems to have done. Ds2 was February born and if we have dc3 I'll intend for them to be autumn or spring born.
Saying all that I also know that I wouldn't change my lovely summer born baby for the world, I just wish it didn't seem like such a huge leap for him to start school having only recently turned four.

[Duckdeamon]

I read that DfE are going to change the rules so that summer born DC will be able to start reception at age 5 if parents choose. Your DH might be reassured if he reads up on that.

Sorry about your miscarriage. Those of us who have been through this and/or fertility problems often get annoyed with people who assume things can be planned! What would your DH's view be, for example if you waited to ttc but then had further problems and another year rolled around, would he then want to ttc despite summer due dates? You can't control everything, eg babies due in the autumn can be premature.

[Blexie]

OP perhaps a discussion which DH about how he's limiting the chance of falling by excluding certain months.

DS and me are Autumn & Winter babies, we did reasonably well at school, but my 6 weeks prem, July born,brother is an absolute genius. However, in life its my sister and I have had greater success because we learned early to work hard for it (with lots of support from DM&D)

Can't help thinking that the "advances" of the modern world have screwed up our priorities. There is a certain degree of biological imperative to fall pregnant in late summer and autumn so the baby is born late spring/early summer when there as ample food to nourish the brest feeding mother and a weaning baby.
Marvellous as it is that we don't have to worry about this now, it does make me wonder if we're worrying about the wrong things

[kktpj]

Move to Northern Ireland then a summer baby will be the eldest......It's all relative......

[sanfairyanne]

www.businessinsider.com/how-birth-month-matters-2012-7?op=1

you will like this. your dh has been too restrictive. there are lots more months to avoid! october looks good.

[newmumwithquestions]

Statistically he is correct, summer born children will on average perform slightly worse in tests than September children. As the mum of a late August born baby I'm personally not concerned - all children are different and if I have to work a bit harder to prep her for school and pay more attention to whether she falls behind that's what I'll do. I was the youngest in my year in primary school and I think it advantaged not disadvantaged me academically (although looking back I probably have my mum to thank as I could read and do simple sums by the age of 4). I'd have been bored in the year below.

Personally of slightly more concern is that younger babies are on average smaller and so physically less developed compared to their older school year classmates which (limited) research shows may affect confidence at playing sport which seems to linger into older years (and isn't that what childhood should be mainly about - playing??). I don't think you can coach through this as easily. But that's just my personal concern.

The whole 'summer born children are disadvantaged' point of view seems to have become popular recently, but probably blown a bit out of proportion. It amazed me how many people very seriously advised me to 'hold on until September' (ummm - do you know anything about labour?).

Summer born parents do now have the right to defer admission for up to a year (link not posting but google SummerbornadmissionsadviceDec_2014.pdf - its on the gov.uk site). However parents don't have the right to choose which school year they go into - they could end up being put in the same class anyway (and just missing out on reception year) so I don't know how this will work in practice.

But all of this isn't the point.... this is about your emotional need to keep trying vs your DHs more logical/clinical point of view. That is something you and DH have to sort out between yourselves and I'm not sure internet strangers can help there.

[Duckdeamon]

The admissions thing is meant to be changing sanfairyanne.

[carabos]

Me (June) and DS1 (end April) are both much more successful academically then DH (October) and DS2 (November). Not that it matters .

[petalsandstars]

Out of my random selection of DC DNs and friends DC the same age the Nov born is less advanced along with the summer boy, the summer girls are broadly the same and very much ready for school despite being closer to 4 than 5

[honeylulu]

Some of the highest achieving (academically and career wise) people I know were August babies. The only one of my group of friends to get a first at uni was born on 28 August.
Yes there are studies that show a correlation the other way but I think it's overplayed. If I might dare stick my head above the parapet, I think some parents use it as an excuse of their child is a bit thick or lazy. My son is one of the younger ones in his school year but is ranked 5th out of 20-something pupils.

[SpecificOcean]

BTW Dbil got straight a's, went to uni, has masters, phd etc.

He also is as poor as a church mouse - always borrowing off his parents and is very awkward socially. He is looked upon as the successful one by Dil's even though DH earns twice as much as him!

[Greythorne]

I think your DH needs to reflect on the bigger picture.

Having children is not about choosing to conceive for maximum academic advantage. Babies are people with their own lives which cannot be controlled.

Miscarriage, infertility, birth injuries, disability, special needs, illness, life limiting disease are all on the roulette table of life along with academic success, good lucks and happiness. And you know what? You can't control any of them.

I would be having a quiet word with your DH and explaining this kindly.

[Greythorne]

I do think some people just don't reflect on the realities of having babies.

I remember being at a dinner party and a friebd's husband plonking himself down next to me and asking with great jollity, 'so, you've got your two now with a two year gap, is that optimum? Do you think we should plan a two year gap? What are the pros and cons? We are considering a two year gap or we may decide on a three year gap to give Johnny a good whack at being an only before we have number 2'

After two miscarriages and dark moments where we thought we would never be able to have children, I think I just looked at him hollowly and muttered something about a two year gap being fine.

[IndigoBlue]

My eldest is August at the time I hadn't even considered the school year thing but after having her I did decide that I would try to avoid having a baby in June, July or August. Unless I was having problems conceiving which is different. As it is my others are all other months.

She has done fine at school but I would have preferred her not to have been one of the youngest and I struggled with toilet training her for school nursery. Also absolutely hated being heavily pregnant in a heat wave and said never again!

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

I've got two female friends who planned to have winter babies. One of my friends had suffered multiple miscarriages, and many dark times, but it was still an issue for her. Neither of them wanted summer babies for reasons similar to your husband. But apparently that makes them fucking idiots?

Some of the comments here are dreadful. Seriously - twat, tosser, bell end, dick, and God knows how mane more insults. The OP's DH believes something that is affecting his opinion. It doesn't make him a fucking useless tosser. No way would a woman get this reception if she expressed the same concerns.

The way some mumsnetters think that men are just fair game for insults no matter what, is awful.

[Anaffaquine]

In Scotland the youngest in the year are winter born babies. If you moved up here, his careful planning would go out the window.
It does make a difference to some kids but the majority get on just fine. I'm a teacher btw.

[maybebabybee]

I would also think a woman was ridiculous for wanting a winter baby for the sole reason they might do better in school.

Not that the attitude surprises me on MN, as the tall boards seem to be crammed with people who are completely over invested in their children's education.