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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think DP has no option but to give up on his DC?

24 replies

AlmondAmy · 03/08/2015 22:55

DSC are 8&9, their mum has always been resistant to contact. There's a court order in place but she breaches it without a second thought. DSC know their mum supports them no matter what so it's very much 'tell us off and we wont come again.' One of them didn't want to come last time and apparently told their mum that DP pinned them down, put his hand over their mouth and shouted and screamed in their face. They also repeated this to DP but it certainly didn't happen.

DP told ex he'll enforce the court order and she said if he does she'll make sure the accusations get even worse. We both work with children so any such accusations could affect our livelihood and our own dc. Sdc seem to be so brainwashed they'll say anything.

Of course we don't want to lose thembut if they vboth accuse DP of things, what options do we have?!

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 03/08/2015 22:58

I don't know - but surely in your field of work there are ways to find out your rights and options, even if anonymously?

ChasedByBees · 03/08/2015 22:59

Can you not raise these threats with someone? Child alienation is child abuse I believe and it will not be healthy for the children to be acting like this. I don't know who you can speak with but perhaps start with NSPCC as they may be able to advise you.

FenellaFellorick · 03/08/2015 23:02

If he can find a way to get evidence that she is saying this (how is she saying it? Verbally? Record her? )
I'd be fighting for custody. If one parent is damaging the children's relationship with the other, then it can't be in the children's best interests to live with that parent.
it wouldn't be easy or guaranteed. But that's what I'd choose rather than give up my children.
I'd die before I'd walk away from my kids.

muminthecity · 03/08/2015 23:03

Do you have your own DC OP? What would you do if they were behaving this way and making these accusations? Surely you'd would try everything you possibly could to help them rather than give up on them? I know I would. NSPCC is a good suggestion for a starting point.

Original poster

AlmondAmy · 03/08/2015 23:06

Yes we have our own DC, whom DSC are regularly nasty to and also accuse. DSC like living with their mum, their school, friends etc. Their mum backs up their abuse claims and they back up each other. It seems highly unlikely that a judge would reverse residency.

OP posts:

crustsaway · 03/08/2015 23:09

It must be an awful situation. Sounds like a woman very much scorned, did DP cheat on her? not blaming, just wondering why she is being so nasty.

No, I'd never give up on the kids, ever!

Bullshitbingo · 03/08/2015 23:11

No, he shouldn't give up on his kids. Everything else be damned, his kids come first.

QuestioningStuff · 03/08/2015 23:13

I can't imagine ever giving up on my DC.

Your OP and subsequent posts sound a lot like you lay some blame on the children. They are 8 and 9. They are clearly being brainwashed by their abusive mother. You both work with children and haven't come to the conclusion that this is a issue that needs to be reported? Do you want him to give up on them?

tiggytape · 03/08/2015 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Oswin · 03/08/2015 23:17

He should not give up on his children no matter what pain and stress it causes him. The mother is being abusive. Courts are getting better at seeing through these situations. Please don't give up.
I know someone who's dad alienated her from her mother. Its ruined her life, she has serious issues now.

lilacblossomtime · 03/08/2015 23:17

I wouldn't give up on the kids, but I would tell them if they like living with mum all the time and just doing fun visits for now that is fine. Kids don't always like going from one home to another, understandably, and so maybe its best for now to stick to just being a bit of a "Disney dad" and saying to them if they ever want to stay longer that's fine. Send presents and cards and be available to chat on the phone in a friendly way any time. That is what I would do personally in this situation but if he wants to contact the NSPCC for advice that may be a good idea.

PtolemysNeedle · 03/08/2015 23:20

You think a parent should give up on their children because their other parent is emotionally messing with them?

No, he shouldn't give up on his children.

GingerCuddleMonster · 03/08/2015 23:20

I would probably distance myself for now rather than give up.

Get legal advice and seek help on what can be done. Advise my employer of what is happening and that for now I've stepped away Fri. the situation till I can safely and legally reach a resolve.

So I'd probably do things like offer/ask for them to stay if they declined I'd leave it and not push it.

sashh · 04/08/2015 07:04

Tell your managers / supervisors what has been said.

Get some nanny cams to prove it didn't happen then let her make the accusations.

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 04/08/2015 08:46

Can your DH record his ex making these threats?

LilyMayViolet · 04/08/2015 08:55

As others have said I would record her making the threats. That is a hideous situation to be in, a friend of mine is coping with similar. In his case the powers that be seen finally to be realising what is actually going on. He carried on just by thinking about the damage being done to his kids living with their mum who was very unstable. It's been incredibly hard though and I do appreciate how trapped he must feel.

SerialBox · 04/08/2015 09:00

Could tell you what you don't do. You don't decide your jobs are more important than his children FFS. You fight. They are victims too.

Stripyhoglets · 04/08/2015 09:04

Yes as others have said, try and record her making the threats. Get nanny cams to record when they are in the house. Keep the visits as they want at the moment and be ready with evidence she's lying next time she makes an allegation then take it to court. The kids may seem happy to just have their mum but if dad vanishes it will be harmful in the long run.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/08/2015 09:06

How does she make these threats? By text? Over the phone? Face to face? I completely agree that you need to get some kind of record of her making these threats.

I wouldn't try and enforce the contact arrangement, because despite what some people think, if your jobs are adversely affected by any accusations, then ALL the children will suffer through your loss of income - so protecting your ability to do your jobs is in the children's best interests.

It's a shame that your DP's DC are unpleasant to your own children - perhaps the contact should be changed so they don't see them unless they want to - maybe your DP should just see his other DC on his own?

What a horrible situation though - so sad for all the children involved.

HayDayRookie · 04/08/2015 09:09

Well said seriel

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 04/08/2015 09:14

Do you have them overnight?

I'm thinking that if not, maybe your DH should have outings with the DC that could be witnessed by a 3rd party (grandparents? Aunts/Uncles?) so that when these allegations arise he has a witness that stuff didn't happen.

DizzyNorthernBird · 04/08/2015 09:29

The courts are used to having opposing parents slinging mud at each other in the form of spurious allegations.

If there is a court order already in place, I would assume at some stage your DP has had a solicitor to advise him. I would get him to go back to the solicitor for advice and definitely start keeping a diary of everything that is said by the ex and his children. Another poster mentioned having cameras in the house...this might seem like an extreme measure but it is definitely worth considering when this situation has the potential to damage your careers. Just make sure the children are unaware of the cameras....so for example if child makes an accusation of an incident happening in their bedroom at a particular time, you will have footage of that particular time to show that they are lying.

Save any emails and text messages. If it comes to it and you are forced to take ex to court, or even worse and the police become involved, at least you'll have a thorough journal of issues to help your case.

BarbarianMum · 04/08/2015 09:49

Don't give up on them but do put measures in place to protect yourself and your children. Keep a diary, any evidence of threats and talk to the NSPCC or SS or at least your solicitor. If SS get involved at a later stage (if allegations escalate) they may need to assess the danger to your (joint) children and (worst case) you could end up with your dh banned from the family home for months whilst they investigate. His children are victims but don't let your other children become victims of this abusive woman too.

JakieOH · 04/08/2015 10:20

All these people saying jobs are more important than your children. Well yes, but if you loose your job and your income, you loose your property and shelter and end up homeless, what happens to the kids then? Common sense people, common sense!!

9 is old enough to know right from wrong. I would explain to the chikd exactly how serious it is to tell these lies and that there are consequences I.e you may not be allowed to see them. They may know it's wrong but may not understand how serious it is.

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