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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not feeding guests?

424 replies

ReginaFelangi · 02/08/2015 21:14

Just wondering if I ABU.

Some friends are throwing a party. It's a big anniversary at a village hall and has been organised for months. They have lots of friends going. Most are having to travel quite a long distance and have booked hotels at £60+ for the night.

A few weeks back guests were told no drinks would be provided. Now it's clear they're not providing any food either.

I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. I would never arrange a party with no food or drinks! Do you think this is unreasonable?

OP posts:
OVienna · 05/08/2015 09:02

Whois- that is clinically bonkers. But I guess it explains how they remain rich.

Bunbaker · 05/08/2015 09:47

"Someone upthread mentioned about being asked to bring your own meat and drinks to a BBQ. Here in Australia it's not uncommon for an invitation to be put like that, BUT, the host would normally provide plenty of salads, nibbles, dessert and soft drinks."

I have been to plenty of barbecues like that in the UK as well. I don't have rich friends. Providing loads of meat for 20 - 30 people would cost a small fortune. Also it means that you can enjoy what you really want to eat instead of the ubiquitous cheap sausage and burger.

LadyPlumpington · 05/08/2015 09:48

Can you email all the guests who you know (NOT the couple) and ask who wants to pay in for a massive pizza run on the night? Then be amused at the couple's faces as 25 pizzas arrive Grin

ChocolateWombat · 05/08/2015 12:59

I agree that hosts need to be prepared to provide something in the way of drink (soft is fine - can see bring your own booze) and if the party is of any length of time and during a mealtime some food should be provided, even if not all of it and requests for extras are made.

The key thing is to be very clear - about what is being provided and what you are asking people to bring. So saying for a BBQ, '. Please join us for a being and share BBQ. We will provide salads,puddings and soft drinks, and would appreciate it if you would bring your own meat and booze' is okay - because you are making it clear it is bring and share.

I do think that especially if you are asking people to travel a distance it isn't right to ask them to bring food which it is hard to transport or keep in good condition. If you are asking them to travel AND pay for accommodation, you really do need to make a decent offering of food......this is unless you are students,when no one has any money and things are different.

I recently went to a camping 40th. We all paid for our pitch. Host asked those more local to being a pud or salad (not those coming from a distance) and then provided vast quantities of meat and booze. Everyone was happy.

I have also been to cream tea parties - host invites guests for a cream tea mid afternoon. Lots of scones,cakes and cream provided, tea and probably Pimms too. Pretty cheap to host, but pleasant. Menus from 2-5 so not over a mealtime and only local guests.

It IS tight to claim to be inviting people a distance to a party (especially if it is done in a grandiose way with invitations and a sense of the largesse of the host) but then to not provide anything or only crisps etc.

achieve6 · 05/08/2015 13:06

OP, sorry if I missed it

have you got a long journey?

I just wouldn't go. I would say why as well. I don't see a need to be gentle. As another OP said, it's not a party, it's just a group of people in a room. The level of entitlement needs to be stamped down on!

I suppose it's possible that they are going to give your partner a gift in lieu of entertainment....but if they aren't doing any food or drink, it wouldn't make up for the crapness of it all anyway?

achieve6 · 05/08/2015 13:12

I have to say, I think if you are asking people to a party, you provide. Even if it came out at one glass of wine per person, and one round of sandwiches. Otherwise I'm in the camp of "why bother?" The answer is, they want their presents. Grr.

derxa · 05/08/2015 13:20

OP Please give more info about this couple. Have they always been this tight?

iwantavuvezela · 05/08/2015 13:24

My friend was once invited to a BBQ, and asked to bring meat, salad, bread and whatever she wanted to drink.
So she said to the host, well you are not really having a BBQ are you, you are having a fire!

achieve6 · 05/08/2015 13:28

Iwant - brilliant answer! Did she tell you what their reply was, I'd love to hear that Grin

iwantavuvezela · 05/08/2015 13:33

I think the person had the good grace to laugh! (We were all a lot younger so gatherings were often bring your own) but at least when you invite someone over and say we are having a fire, expectations are clear!

bluecoconutglittercat · 05/08/2015 13:35

Whois, you remind me - we went to an evening wedding do like this. Huge manor house (The parents' house) with cash bar. And not cheap, all served in plastic beakers like you get in coffee machines. Two white wines and two beers was something like £25 and this was back in 2003. We were two couples and we had pitched in to buy one big gift. We had to get a taxi there and back, so a very expensive evening. The day guests were seated under a marque, but the evening guests just had to stand in the garden. The only food was a hog roast, which was literally just pork and a dry bun each. No salad, side dishes, snacks, nuts, sauces anything!

I can understand BYO, I would prefer that rather than above, which was the worst wedding I have ever been to.

marinacortina · 05/08/2015 14:20

Bloody hell! I wouldn't have given them the gift. I'd have taken it back.

bluecoconutglittercat · 05/08/2015 14:31

The gift was whisked away from us as soon as we arrived LOL. With hindsight we should have just got straight back into the taxi. It was all quite bizarre, and it felt like they were making money out of us as guests with the cash bar. I could not understand why they didn't just go to a big hypermarket type place and hire proper glasses (Usually this is free) and charge us cost price for drinks, if they had to charge us at all. We were not allowed anywhere near the house either. There were porter loos!
We are still good friends with the other couple, but not the bride and groom. We never saw or heard from them again. But we still have a laugh about their reception!

ReginaFelangi · 05/08/2015 15:54

OP, sorry if I missed it

have you got a long journey?

Just 180 miles each way. Nothing that might render us hungry or anything. Wink

OP posts:
KitKat1985 · 05/08/2015 16:13

When is this party OP? I shamelessly want to see how this works out! Grin x

ReginaFelangi · 05/08/2015 16:20

It's before the end of the month.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 05/08/2015 16:30

I did once get invited to a BBQ at a friend's house, She and the rest of the gang rang up giggling and said, do you want to come round tonight for BBQ - and can you bring meat, salad, crisps, drink... and a BBQ?
To give context: they were very old friends, the hosting friend was a) the one with the garden and b) not near a supermarket, whereas I was still at work, about five feet from a big Asda.... and when I got there, the others all chipped in equal amounts of cash to pay for it all.

ChocolateWombat · 05/08/2015 16:31

You could always email them, asking them to just clarify what they will be providing, so you know what to bring with you and can plan ahead, as you are coming a distance.

Could be a relevant email, especially if it wasn't clear on the original invitation and there has been a drip feed approach to telling you what to bring. If you ask this, it might dawn on them,that actually they are not providing anything!

bluecoconutglittercat · 05/08/2015 16:37

ChocolateWombat has a point re email, good idea. OP I would just take supplies and hope for the best. It may be better than expected, sometimes when you don't feel like going out it turns into the best night out ever.

Collaborate · 05/08/2015 17:00

I too agree with ChocolateWombat's suggestion. Might also add that if there's no food being provided can they suggest a restaurant for you to book a table at, as travelling such a long distance without the promise of an evening meal is just not on.

achieve6 · 05/08/2015 17:35

180 miles?!

I wouldn't go....!

janetandroysdaughter · 05/08/2015 19:03

Wow. I went to a wedding once where the sole provisions were a non alcoholic punch and I thought that was beyond tight.

OP, neither you nor your OP have to go. Make an excuse that means DH is no longer available. They haven't bothered at all.

eddielizzard · 05/08/2015 19:26

i'm afraid i would be making my excuses and give them some contacts for replacements for your dh. what utter tight-arses.

OVienna · 05/08/2015 20:13

Bluecoconut did you at least get a thank you?

SusieR · 06/08/2015 08:18

Rousette, that BBQ story made me laugh. Didn't they hear your rumbling tummies?

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