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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not feeding guests?

424 replies

ReginaFelangi · 02/08/2015 21:14

Just wondering if I ABU.

Some friends are throwing a party. It's a big anniversary at a village hall and has been organised for months. They have lots of friends going. Most are having to travel quite a long distance and have booked hotels at £60+ for the night.

A few weeks back guests were told no drinks would be provided. Now it's clear they're not providing any food either.

I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. I would never arrange a party with no food or drinks! Do you think this is unreasonable?

OP posts:

Inforabumpyride · 03/08/2015 18:02

I would have to go to see how it all pans out , it could set a new trend

Obviously I'd warn them I could only stay for a bit before buggering off

UptoapointLordCopper · 03/08/2015 18:04

bumpyride It's morbidly fascinating, isn't it? Can we all come?

rookiemere · 03/08/2015 18:10

This must be the new craze.

We recently got invited to an anniversary celebration at a hotel where we'd be expected to pay for our own dinner - one glass of wine thrown in.

I like the couple so I didn't say anything, but I did decline as I made sure I was busy that evening.

Still got an invite card, which rather bewildered me as I'm unsure how you can receive a formal invite to something that you are going to pay for yourself .

It's a question of expectations.
If the couple had said at the start, look we'll hire the hall and arrange the entertainment is everyone ok to bring their own booze and just have nibbles, then people could have decided to go or not on that basis, but to change it once people have booked hotels is not on.

A nice way perhaps to handle it is to email her again and say something like " Are you sure you don't want to borrow my Costco card or do a shop with me? Their big pizzas are only and do lots of little nibbly things."
If she then comes back with "Oh no we thought that a 6 pack of pom bear crisps would do for everyone" then it would be a good point to gently point out that some people are travelling quite far to be there.

pinklaydee · 03/08/2015 18:12

I don't think that the OP should say anything to the organiser, not unless she's really close to her. I've been to two 40th parties recently, they were both held in clubs with bars, but without food, which I thought was a bit tight, but they were good parties and I wouldn't have not gone because of that.
My friend had a birthday party for her DS when he turned one and we duly went - they live in the middle of the Highlands, everyone had to travel at least two hours to get there. It was in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday. There were loads of kids there, but only "grown-up" food (even the cakes weren't child friendly) - all there was for the wee ones were crisps. It was in a hall, not their house, no tea or coffee for the weary drivers, and when it finished at 5pm, we had to drive home with starving three and six year olds. Nothing was open in the tiny town for food, we eventually found a little chef halfway home. She's a good friend but I've always felt that she was pretty thoughtless that day.

Original poster

ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 18:12

Perhaps you're right. The 200ish miles makes a joint cash and carry shop difficult. Will see what the other friends from this area think.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 03/08/2015 18:17

Is there a loud band as well as your DH?

rookiemere · 03/08/2015 18:21

Sorry I had only skim read I didn't realise you were that far away.

You could ask her if she'd put a few bottles of wine in the fridge for you as you're driving such a long way to get there, they wouldn't be cold otherwise. Then just see how much brass neck she has to ask you for the cost of them - actually can't see them batting an eyelid over asking for the money back.

You could also ask her what takeaways there were in the area as of course you and others are travelling and it's quite an expensive trip already what with the hotel and the petrol costs.

Or you could ask specifically what food will be provided as per above you're travelling, don't want/have time to pay for a hotel restaurant meal as per above etc. etc.

Or you could just go along and update us on the aftermath.

I honestly don't understand why people think they're hosting something if they aren't providing any food or drink.

Rubgyshapedlegs · 03/08/2015 18:34

I truly think that some people are unable to think what it'll be like for a guest. My cousin's 40th was like this - most of her friends are married with kids but for reasons no one could fathom, only added up the parents, not the kids. So when it was pointed out that with 10 couples she was also inviting 30ish kids under 10, to a teeny back garden complete with bbq and chiminea and perhaps this was many parents' idea of a living hell, she changed the venue to the pub. Paid bar, bring your own food to use on the pub bbq, no beer garden or play area. No specific time when it was either, just a "we'll be in the Red Lion all day and night."

Needless to say it was shit, she was gutted but also confused as to why only hardened drinkers without families turned up and anyone with kids didn't bother.

cashewnutty · 03/08/2015 18:35

That sounds like a terrible party. Don't go.

AskingForAPal · 03/08/2015 18:53

This is full on bonkers. If you're on "coming to stay" terms, I would probably ring her up and do as another poster suggested - offer the cash and carry card again. And then say: "Look Audrey this is a bit awkward but people aren't happy about the fact that there isn't going to be any food available at the party. I'm sure you don't want everyone to leave before my DH/the band are on, just because they're starving. I do think you should lay something on for everyone or you might end up with an empty hall."

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 03/08/2015 19:00

That is very odd. I once went to a 40th where the hostess opened up her home but told everyone to bring their own booze and some meat for the BBQ. I know not everyone can afford to treat loads of friends to a special party, and this particular friend was generally quite generous about inviting lots of people into her home, but personally I could NOT throw a big party in my own honour (especially when I know that nice presents would be bought for me) and NOT provide any food or drink in return, just the use of my house and garden.

If you can't afford a bit party then don't have one!

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 03/08/2015 19:02

Sounds like you may get a bout of d&v the day before the party to me?

hesterton · 03/08/2015 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rookiemere · 03/08/2015 19:08

I know - you could come clutching a nice bottle of Moet.

Then when they reach expectantly for it say "Oh no we need that to toast to you, don't we" then toddle off quickly.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 03/08/2015 19:13

The idea of pitching up to a party clutching exactly what you will drink and guarding it all carefully all night makes me feel about 15 again! It's a horrible way to carry on. I'd rather have no party than subject people to that nonsense.

FundamentalistQuaker · 03/08/2015 19:19

Oh, I don't know, I'd love to feel 15 again. I'd go, take a bottle of Southern Comfort, drag DH out to snog him behind the hall then go back in all sheepish and ask the band to play my 80s favourites!

marinacortina · 03/08/2015 19:25

"Sounds like you may get a bout of d&v the day before the party to me?"

A general comment: There's no need to lie give a reason for declining or cancelling. Simply say that you won't be able to attend. If pressed, just say it's personal reasons. It makes life much simpler, and you won't get caught out.

UptoapointLordCopper · 03/08/2015 19:28

At 15 all I could think about was food...

BitOfFun · 03/08/2015 19:33

If they've got a band, that means your husband can get the shits and stay home, surely?

Original poster

ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 19:44

Potentially. I need to talk to him about that later.

OP posts:

bigbumtheory · 03/08/2015 19:52

I would cancel OP, especially if they have other entertainment. I very much suspect your friends will find many cancelling. Even on a budget you can go to Iceland and take advantage of their party food.

PageNotFound404 · 03/08/2015 19:53

"Hi Friend, I see from your email that the plans for your event have changed to X time, and from a buffet as originally agreed to no food or drink provided. TBH when we agreed to come and for DH to 'donate' his set, we hadn't budgeted for an evening meal as well so I'm afraid on grounds of cost we're going to have to back out this time. Hope you all enjoy the evening and the band, love Regina"

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2015 20:41

Do these people have children of their own? Some non-parents are not very interested in food, full stop, and it wouldn't really occur to them that other people, particularly kids, do need to eat at reasonably regular times.

rookiemere · 03/08/2015 21:07

But surely it's just basic hospitality SGB regardless of children.

I remember when planning our wedding pre DS, one of the most important things for me is that people would not be hungry. I can't stand weddings where you're expected to survive from 1 - 7pm on fresh air and too much prosecco, so I had canapes after the do, dinner served promptly at 5.30pm and a big supper spread in the evening for the evening guests*. I am quite greedy though so maybe I'm the exception.

Personally I feel it's slightly me, me, me to think that anyone except your parents and DCs would be interested in how long you've been married for, but if people are bothered to come to celebrate that then they do deserve at least a few cheese and pineapple sticks.

I now realise that having evening guests was a huge faux pas, and I will rot in e-hell for it.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 03/08/2015 21:16

Really odd. There are some celebrations where I wouldn't necessarily expect feeding, like a party in a nightclub starting at 9pm maybe. But if people are travelling, you have to arrange food. Even if you're skint and that just means getting anyone who lives nearby to bring a dish with them!

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