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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not feeding guests?

424 replies

ReginaFelangi · 02/08/2015 21:14

Just wondering if I ABU.

Some friends are throwing a party. It's a big anniversary at a village hall and has been organised for months. They have lots of friends going. Most are having to travel quite a long distance and have booked hotels at £60+ for the night.

A few weeks back guests were told no drinks would be provided. Now it's clear they're not providing any food either.

I'm not really sure what the point is anymore. I would never arrange a party with no food or drinks! Do you think this is unreasonable?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 03/08/2015 21:46

Not being a big eater yourself is hardly justification for not catering a party, is it?

Even teetotallers tend not to ban alcohol for their guests if they decide to hold a party, and that would be (slightly) less odd than banning food Confused

Original poster
ReginaFelangi · 03/08/2015 21:51

Yes, they have small children in the family.

OP posts:
ArcheryAnnie · 03/08/2015 22:28

I just can't imagine holding a party of any description without massively overcatering. (I am a terrible cook but do know how to buy snacks.)

Cash bar for booze is fine. Not even free soft drinks and coffees at the end - not fine.

Bunbaker · 04/08/2015 07:52

Have you decided what you are going to say to the "hosts" then?

Glitteryfrog · 04/08/2015 08:31

It's about setting expectations.
All day wedding - I expect that I need to eat a big breakfast/lunch. But I'll get a couple of glasses of wine and fed twice.
Evening do - eat before hand, cash bar. There will be something provided but no idea what or when.
House party - bring own booze. Ask about food. But eat before hand. Offer to bring something.
Meeting in pub - no food unless expressly mentioned
Party at a venue - something provided, but no idea what. Eat something before hand.
Unless I'm going out for a meal then I assume the food will be limited and I should eat before hand.

rollonthesummer · 04/08/2015 11:48

When is the do, op? Are you still going?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 04/08/2015 11:55

I'm going back to read the rest, but this just did me in:

Can he impersonate a buffet? Grin

AskingForAPal · 04/08/2015 12:16

I was particularly impressed by the literal correctness of "We naturally expected an evening buffet but not a sausage!"

LeopardIsTheNewBlack · 04/08/2015 14:08

Two years ago my then friend arranged a party for her 45th. She sent the invites out about 3 months beforehand and since it was a 60's themed do she included lots of " helpful" advice on what to wear.
The party was being held at another friends very lovely flat and we had quite a bit of a drive over there. We also had to pay for parking ($50!) and as the only people with kids a babysitter. I was planning on bringing a bottle of wine and some lovely Kate Spade cups and saucers. Friend called me up two days before and asked if I could bring a fresh fruit salad ( no canned fruit!) for 30 or so guests since it would be lovely to have some fresh fruit with birthday cakeHmm.
So day of we head out with wine, Kate Spade and bloody fruit. We are just paying for parking when friend texts us to pick up sack of ice. We finally get to the apartment and found out that all the food at the party is 60's themed, deviled eggs, egg mayonnaise salad ect and has all been donated by other friends. There was a makeup artist for the ladies and instead of my friend paying her we were all supposed to tip her $20. The bartender and booze was apparently paid for by the friend who's home this was in.
The friend who's home this was at was leaving the country in a couple of weeks so birthday friend gave him a going away gift which was a photo album full of photos of nights out and memories of our city. Otherwise nice but each photo seemed to revolve around birthday girls DH.
A week or so after the party I hadn't received a thank you for the gift so I texted friend to make sure it hadn't got overlooked or left at friends flat. She responded by saying "ah yes, Kate Spade, yes got them OK"
Lesson learnt. Now we simply don't go to parties or events that involve lots of expensive travel arrangements . I bring a $10 bottle of wine with a card and nothing else and we eat beforehand . No wonder we stay home a lot eating off bloody Kate Spade plates
YANBU

Roussette · 04/08/2015 15:10

The brass neckedness of some people!

I remember years ago being asked to a couple I didn't know very well... a barbecue - just us and them. They said it'll just be casual, nothing fancy. We thought that'll be nice, let's expand our social circle.

We got there, handed over a bottle of wine, which they opened, we sat outside, we made polite conversation. The longer time went on the more embarrassing it got. And we waited and waited. I looked around, I couldn't see a barbecue. After a couple of awkward hours, we said we better be going because I was bloody starving they said "great you could come round!" and off we went.

Weird. We were both 100% sure they asked us for a barbecue.

Mrsleighdelamare · 04/08/2015 18:29

OP - 180 miles each way?

They are taking the piss royally.

Are they really good friends? I suspect not, because if they were, this wouldn't be bothering you as much as this.

And if they are not really good friends, cancel the hotel, tell them you can't justify the costs of the petrol and the hotel and the going out to eat.

Mrsleighdelamare · 04/08/2015 18:34

PS it sounds like it's going to be the worst party ever if that helps?! I feel secure in saying that I doubt you'll be missing much fun. Except maybe a riot when all the guests turn on the hosts.

And think of the children, they'll be vile without their fair share of sugary processed tat. And the adults will probably be worse Grin

Mrsleighdelamare · 04/08/2015 18:57

To clarify, what I meant was that if it were really good friends, you might take all this less annoyedly (new word). You're prepared to forgive good friends more.

Hulababy · 04/08/2015 19:02

I wouldn't have an issue with BYO regards drinking at such a party. I guess I have been to many parties with pay bars anyway (far more than with paid for bars that's for sure) so BYO drinks would b quite the norm.

But a party with no food would be odd.

BabyGanoush · 04/08/2015 19:03

This party sounds the most unfun ever

ginslinger · 04/08/2015 20:08

I've just returned from a similar thing - long journey, hotel etc and reminded before arrival to bring booze and there were only a few bits of crisps and nuts. Got monumentaly pissed

MrsWembley · 04/08/2015 23:31

Unashamedly marking place for the update when Regina gives us the answer to her phone call/email...

And am I the only one thinking that offering Pom Bears doesn't seem such a bad idea now?Wink

noeffingidea · 05/08/2015 00:16

I wouldn't call this a party.
I have been to BYOB parties, I've also contributed to the buffet at parties. No problem if you know people are a bit skint and can't afford to provide everything themselves. There's nothing wrong with a bit of community spirit between friends and family. What I would hate is to be at a party where there is no food and drink. It just sounds miserable tbh. Whats the point?
As for asking for gifts, that's just rude and grabby.

PegsPigs · 05/08/2015 06:54

As an earlier poster says what bit about hiring a hall makes this a party rather than a meeting?

Very loud band - whoppee. I'd pass with kids!

eddielizzard · 05/08/2015 07:07

not the basis for a great time!

Roussette · 05/08/2015 07:25

I have been to a party with a paid bar and no food but with a rockin' band. I got monumentally pissed
I'm not sure now if that's OK!

BoyScout · 05/08/2015 07:47

rousette love that story. The Invisible BBQ.

iamanintrovert · 05/08/2015 08:37

I really do want OP to go so she can feed back.
Someone upthread mentioned about being asked to bring your own meat and drinks to a BBQ. Here in Australia it's not uncommon for an invitation to be put like that, BUT, the host would normally provide plenty of salads, nibbles, dessert and soft drinks.

TendonQueen · 05/08/2015 08:45

A cash bar is the norm in my experience too. I know MN goes all faint at the thought of not providing free drinks at a function, but I've been to many dos in social clubs and the like where you just bought your own drinks - this is fine as the bar prices at those places are always cheap. But no one has ever failed to put on food. The lack of food is unforgivable.

whois · 05/08/2015 08:48

We were invited to a summer party by one of my dads colleges. We're talking high earning, lovely big house and garden.

Got there and it was a paid for cash bar! At their house! Hadn't been mentioned on the invite. All very embracing because most people had bought a bottle or a gift with them, but no cash for a paid for bar. Dad had just been to a cash machine on the way chance so shared out all his cash between work colleagues so they could have a drink. Even the soft drinks were not free!

Mental. Who invited families to a summer party at their house and then charges them for drinks??

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