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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a five year old should be encouraged to share?

57 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 19:22

I spent a couple of hours yesterday refereeing between my 2yo DS and 5yo DNephew, they were playing with DS' megablocks and DS is in the 'mine' phase.

Anyway, they both moved on from the megablocks with DN playing on his kindle and DS playing with some of DN's figurines. DS sat playing for 10 mins without DN noticing but as soon as he did he said to DM 'X is playing with my figurines, I don't want him too.' DM replied and said to DN 'take them from him then' which he then proceeded to do.

I was shocked to say the least. I brought it up and said it wasn't fair for DS to share his toys but DN didn't have to and that he should be encouraged to share.

My Mother's stance is that he doesn't have to share his toys as they are his belongings. Confused

A few hours later DS was playing with his megablocks again and DN tried to take some and play. I told him not to play with them as they were DS'. He cried of course and my DM hit the roof telling me I was being spiteful. I ignored her and once DN settled down, explained to him that not sharing was hurtful and would make people upset. He understood and said he knew that not sharing his toys would make DS upset. I said that if he really didn't want DS to play with some of his toys then he should keep them in DM's room where DS couldn't get at them. 2 mins later they were both playing with the megablocks.

However, DM is furious with me. How dare I upset her grandson like that. Confused WIBU to teach my DN about sharing?

FWIW - huge backstory but basically she treats them very differently and favours my DN in a very obvious way.

OP posts:
AngelBlue12 · 02/08/2015 19:24

I would have done the same thing.

Gunpowder · 02/08/2015 19:25

I think you handled it really well.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2015 19:26

YANBU and your mother is storing up HUGE problems from the future. To add to the problems she's already generated in the past , by the sound of it.

AuntyMag10 · 02/08/2015 19:27

Yanbu, I would have done the same. Pretty mean of her to have one set of rules for one child and another for the other gc.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 19:27

Were the figurines more delicate than the mega blocs. I think you were right, DN learned a lesson that if he does not want to share his toys, others will not want to with him. I would totally give DM back what she gave you, she is turning DN into a little Prince.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 19:28

What about her other grandsons upset, does she not care about your ds?

Littlef00t · 02/08/2015 19:29

I agree sharing is good and that toys not to be shared with should he put away when little guests visit. I do think you were spiteful not letting him play with the mega blocks when he had once already that day, confusing.

Talking to him about sharing is good, but I'm not sure you went about it the right way, though it's hard to do exactly the right thing in the moment when others are upsetting you and yours.

DeladionInch · 02/08/2015 19:30

I'd have done the same as you. But if this is common I'd maybe think about seeing less of her - people who don't treat you respectfully don't deserve your time, mother or no!

BlackeyedSusan · 02/08/2015 19:31

fair enough that he (dn) can keep his special things to himself but they do need to be put out of the way of temptation as small children will get upset when told no. he ahs to understand that it cuts both ways though, so if ds does not want to share megablocks ...

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 19:32

She doesn't really care about DS in the same way she cares about DN. She has DN every weekend and always buys him food or toy treats, which is getting difficult for me as she doesn't so the same for DS.

DN is very moddy coddled by my Mother. He is extremely sensitive because she allows him his own way constantly so he doesn't handle not getting his own way well.

I am quite firm with him and treat him the same way I would if they were both my sons. I will tell him to stop being mard if I think he is trying to get attention but most of the time I'm shot down by my mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 19:38

That's not to say I wouldn't tell my own DS to stop being mard, btw!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2015 19:39

"He is extremely sensitive because she allows him his own way constantly so he doesn't handle not getting his own way well. "
I doubt very much that he is 'extremely sensitive'. Your mother rewards particular behaviours in him, effectively teaching him that this is how he is supposed to behave. Poor little boy Sad. She is in reality being very cruel to him.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 19:42

WhereYouLeft That is a whole other thread. Between my Mum and Sister they have given my DN the tools necessary to manipulate and control both of them. Sad

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 02/08/2015 19:44

Exactly WhereYouLeftIt. Its doing him no favours at all, treating him like he's the centre of the universe like that. 5 year olds should most definitely be able to share, but only if they are expected to and supported to by the adults around them.

I think you handled it just fine OP

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 19:44

That is sad, seeing some of the background to this, I don't blame your reaction, Mabey it is good for DN to hear no, if you want ds toys, you must share yours, or put them away where ds can't see them. It's only fair and encouraging giid behaviours.

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 19:48

When you first arrive next time, tell tell him to put away any any special toys he doesn't want DS to play with. Then aim to take turns rather then share. So if one wants something, put a 5 min timer on and swap when the timer goes off.

Failing that either leave or take the kids out for a walk. Often it's not really about toys!

MilkChocolateButtons · 02/08/2015 19:50

A five year old should absolutely be encouraged to share. This is why whenever my five year old charge has friends over I ask him to put anything precious away before they come. Because while we want him to share we also want to teach him that he is right to want to protect certain toys which hold a lot of value to him.

Maybe next time your at your mums and he's there, just say DN I understand you have things you don't want Your little cousin to touch so shall we put those away for now.

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 19:50

Allowing kids to get their own way doesn't make them sensitive!

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 20:07

I think he is naturally sensitive aswell, but it has been exacerbated.

For example, he will automatically cry if he is embarrassed or told off.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 20:07

Apparently my Mum has 'informed' my DS of my actions. Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 20:07

*Dsis

OP posts:
eaiand2 · 02/08/2015 20:39

I don't know, I'm against teaching children they have to share things that are theirs, or that other children should share things with them just because they want them. If my daughter wanted to play with something belonging to my niece I would ask my niece if it was ok with her. If she said no, I'd move my daughter onto something else. And likewise if my niece wanted to play with something that belonged to my daughter I would tell my daughter she has to share I would say that it would be nice to share her toys because it will make her cousin happy, but I wouldn't force her to share if she didn't want to. I would also suggest to my niece that she have to ask to play with something of DD's and get her permission first, not that she has the right to play with whatever she pleases.

I encourage sharing of anything communal, but when something belongs to one or the other I would never force it.

yorkshapudding · 02/08/2015 20:43

YANBU. My 6 year old DN "doesn't do sharing" according to SIL and everyone is just supposed to accept that Hmm Drives me up the wall. Of course a child won't "do sharing" if the adults in their lives don't teach them to!

diddl · 02/08/2015 20:52

I think it does sound as if you were acting out of spite.

I know that your son is only 2, but you chose for him not to share whereas your nephew chose for himself.

That's not to say that I think your mum handled it badly.

The figures could simply have been put away by her.

I also don't think that kids should have to share everything, especially with a younger child who might break them, in which case it would be ideal if they weren't accessible in the first place.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2015 20:53

"I think he is naturally sensitive aswell, but it has been exacerbated. For example, he will automatically cry if he is embarrassed or told off."
Could be frustration, could be that he's found crying makes the adults involved stop telling him off. Not necessarily as sign of sensitivity.

Sorry to sound harsh. I think he is probably a potentially normal little boy, who's being moulded by your mother and sister into being a selfish and unhappy little boy Sad.

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