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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a five year old should be encouraged to share?

57 replies

HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 19:22

I spent a couple of hours yesterday refereeing between my 2yo DS and 5yo DNephew, they were playing with DS' megablocks and DS is in the 'mine' phase.

Anyway, they both moved on from the megablocks with DN playing on his kindle and DS playing with some of DN's figurines. DS sat playing for 10 mins without DN noticing but as soon as he did he said to DM 'X is playing with my figurines, I don't want him too.' DM replied and said to DN 'take them from him then' which he then proceeded to do.

I was shocked to say the least. I brought it up and said it wasn't fair for DS to share his toys but DN didn't have to and that he should be encouraged to share.

My Mother's stance is that he doesn't have to share his toys as they are his belongings. Confused

A few hours later DS was playing with his megablocks again and DN tried to take some and play. I told him not to play with them as they were DS'. He cried of course and my DM hit the roof telling me I was being spiteful. I ignored her and once DN settled down, explained to him that not sharing was hurtful and would make people upset. He understood and said he knew that not sharing his toys would make DS upset. I said that if he really didn't want DS to play with some of his toys then he should keep them in DM's room where DS couldn't get at them. 2 mins later they were both playing with the megablocks.

However, DM is furious with me. How dare I upset her grandson like that. Confused WIBU to teach my DN about sharing?

FWIW - huge backstory but basically she treats them very differently and favours my DN in a very obvious way.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 20:55

I don't agree that I was acting out of spite. I think it is spiteful of a 5 year old to take toys away from a 2yo simply because he doesn't want to share. He wasn't even playing with them in the first place.

Also, DS and I live here so he has all his toys here. A couple of weeks ago DN took all his toys home so DS 'can't play with them when I'm not here'. He brings a small selection of toys with him at weekends and refuses to share them with DS but expects free reign over DS' toys.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 20:57

I agree WhereYouLeft but I don't know how else to describe him. I don't want to be mean about him as he's just a kid.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 20:57

If she treats yiur ds like that, I woukd severely limit the time she spends with ds, she sounds awful to play favourites with her grand children.

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 21:04

Aero we're moving soon. I have the money in my account, just waiting for a property to come up in the area I want to move to. away from this area

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 21:13

That's good, as your ds grows he will start to see the way he is treated by gran compared with his cousin, it will probably affect him negatively. I agree with others, yiur DN sounds like a normal boy, but is being moulded into a demanding and spoiled child by yiur sister and mother. Leave em to it, involve ds as little as possible.

Iggly · 02/08/2015 21:19

Sorry I'm confused. You were annoyed that your ds wasn't able to play with the figurines but you did the same by not letting him play?

Makes no sense to me. You either believe in sharing or you don't. Seems a bit tit for tat to me - the DN has not really learnt a good lesson has he?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 02/08/2015 21:20

Yes of course we encourage our kids to share because it is the done thing but I do tend to see where your mum is coming from.
Their toys books ect are their property. How would you like it if I just walked in to your living room and started sharing your TV. Eating food out of your cupboards. Wearing your clothes. And perfume I don't doubt you'd say. Hands off they're mine. I'm 39 years old and don't particularly want to share my things.
Well is it not the same for children.
Oh and I don't think there is a 2 year old on the planet past present of future who's favourite phrase is not That's mine. And they're right . It is theirs.!There's no way a little baby of 2 could be expected to be able to share,

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 21:21

It seemed to me that he learnt the lesson well. After our chat he told me he knew that not sharing would hurt DS' feelings. They then carried on sharing the megablocks.

OP posts:
Iggly · 02/08/2015 21:24

Mm not really. You taught him to basically hurt someone's feelings in order to get their way.
So if in a similar situation again, he might say "well you can't have this unless you give me that" - which is quite negative IMO

Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 21:25

I do agree Lighthouse However, my DN comes to the home where my DS is living and brings toys to play with. He then refuses to share those toys but expects to play with all of DS' toys. That is not fair and, imo, selfish behaviour in children shouldn't be encouraged.

I respect that everyone has differing opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
HappyGoLuckyGirl · 02/08/2015 21:26

I don't think that was the message I got across to him but thank you for the input. I will keep my eye out for that reaction in future.

OP posts:
vaticancameos · 02/08/2015 21:28

There's too much angst over all this sharing. I think it's normal he doesn't want to share his figures with a toddler and I don't think he was mean taking them back after he was given the option to do so by an adult.

Iggly · 02/08/2015 21:46

I only say that because I've noticed my ds copying what a friend does at school, who says you can't have this unless you do this. Ds gets upset as it turns into "you can't be my friend unless you do x or give me y". Maybe I'm over thinking though!

runlulurun · 02/08/2015 21:56

happygolucky

Absolutely fine what you did, and I think it's the right thing to do. It's what I (try to!) do with my DS (4) and DD (1). DS is ok at sharing on the whole but definitely has moments/days when he won't and at those times he isn't allowed to share DD's toys either. He get's quite agitated by the fact that he really wants her toys and also doesn't want her to have his. Well tough! You can't have it both ways!

The rule is, if you really, don't want to share something then you have to take it upstairs and play with it. Fair enough, think we all feel like that sometimes. But if you're playing in the living room then you need to be able to compromise. (DD doesn't get it yet, more than happy to share but obviously gets upset when her brother takes things from her that she's been playing with.)

runlulurun · 02/08/2015 21:58

Iggly, whilst I can see what you are saying, I don't think that is what it is about.

The whole point is that sharing has both costs and benefits and you cannot have one without the other.

Explained at the time, I think it's relatively straightforward to impart that message.

IsItMeOrIsItHotInHere · 02/08/2015 22:05

I had exactly this situation with my 2 nephews when they were about 3 and 4 and my DS was 2. They wouldn't let him touch their things, kept snatching them back in a really aggressive way and my DSis just looked on and did nothing. Later that day we went to the shops and I bought DS a small toy. Both the nephews hounded him and hounded him to let them have a turn and I stepped in and told them they couldn't have it. Either everyone shared, or no-one did.

My sister hit the roof. We didn't speak for months after that. Confused

Lurkedforever1 · 02/08/2015 22:17

Yanbu. My rule was always that it's ok not to share special things, but you don't get them out to play near others. My friend and I used to have a mutual arrangement when they were little, so it was quite common for one to go to the others with a bag of toys. Whether visiting or at home, anything special went out of reach or upstairs and anything else was shared. Both got to learn how to share and also to respect each other's desire not to share some items. By 5 no reason he shouldn't be able to follow a few rules on sharing.

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2015 22:28

Exactly, what op did was absolutely fine and not spiteful. If he did not want ds to play with those figurines, he shoukd have put them away. he cannot have it both ways, to want to play with ds toys and not let ds play some of his. Op was reiterating this to him, which he was fine with, the only person nit fine with it, was a grown adult who should know better.

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 22:31

Special things need to be put away. Everything else take turns with

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 22:32

Learning to take turns is much easier/more practical then learning to share

runlulurun · 02/08/2015 22:43

Taking turns is part of sharing, not instead of imo.

runlulurun · 02/08/2015 22:46

And sharing by playing co-operatively is a really difficult and valuable skill.

While taking turns is one way of a sharing a toy, I think co-operation should also be encouraged because it's worth it.

Taking turns is easier from an adults perspective because it is regimented and rule based, but playing together (eg something like pretending shops) is possibly more rewarding for the children, if they are both capable of it.

drudgetrudy · 02/08/2015 22:48

I think its right to encourage the five year old to share and take turns but I also agree with letting him keep special toys that he doesn't want anyone else to play with out of the way in his room. Its the same for an adult-you wouldn't want to let our cousin drive your nice new shiny car for example. Your Mum isn't helping-she should be coaching him to be more helpful to a younger child.
Sometimes taking turns is easier-an older child may know what he is trying to build with lego etc and its frustrating if a younger child wrecks his project.

Hellion7433 · 02/08/2015 22:50

I often find that taking turns can bleed into sharing eventually.

drudgetrudy · 02/08/2015 22:54

The two-year old will still need some support with role play type games. If the adults just expect hem to play nicely at these ages it will be difficult. Co-operative play will be easier from next year.

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