To hate my mum (long thread!)

[bigfam]

When I was 10 my mum started talking to people in chat rooms, the first time she left she told myself and my brothers ( who were 13 and 9) she was walking to the shop to rent a film. Hours later my dad returned home from work to find us alone completey confused. The next day when she hadn't come back I found a not under the stairs with my dads name on it, I can't remember exactly what it said but basically she said she needed time away to think, anyway she came home a week later and that was that. Then she left again two weeks later but this time she didn't come back, she just upped and left, she had no regrets about leaving us behind, she told my dad to keep the house, for the kids. Then we find out she had run up thousands of pounds worth of debt, that my dad was left to pay. He had to take out a second mortgage. I don't know how it happened but basically because she said he could keep the house he had to give her £15000, he couldn't afford to as was paying two mortgages so had to sell our family home. She has since gone on to have another child and never once tried to contact us, her reason for this was simply "your dad didn't want me to" she then thinks that it's acceptable to offer me and my brothers £1000 each when we all turn 18. She hasn't bothered with or seen us for 15 years, my grandparents (her mum and dad) are subtly trying to get us to contact her.

I honestly hate the woman.

YANBU - it sounds like she has prioritised herself for years and has no idea how to be a parent. There may be some kind of explanation (breakdown or similar for example), but given that she has gone on to have another child and has never expressed any regret for the way she treated you, it seems unlikely that you will ever be in a position to have a positive relationship with her.
On the other hand, your dad sounds lovely, so I would focus on the relationship you have with him and tell your grandparents that you have no interest in pursuing a relationship with your mother.

This is beyond awful

YANBU - my dad did similar (made my mum agree to say she had committed adultery (both church goers) so she could keep the house, hadn't paid the mortgage for months then left the UK so he didn't have to pay maintenance)

I have mellowed now I have kids as they wanted to know about him so we chat on FB and he has visited once (I have seen him 4 times in 30 years)

but at heart he is an utterly selfish man

But try to find some peace with it all - don't let hate eat you up

God how awful yanbu

Sometimes it's good to accept that parents are not what you want them to be. Mothers are the worst (not even going there) - but it doesn't help as an adult. You look at your own kids and you think "How could you do that to your little ones?" and all you feel is shock.

So forgive yourself, forget her, appreciate the people who love you (the best advice I ever got was someone saying that the people who love you are the people who are around you) and concentrate on you. Yes, YOU.

Let's pull this stunt: you didn't ask to be born. She organised it. So you owe her nothing.

Don't be bullied into anything by her own parents. They need to take responsibility for the way they raised her which made it acceptable for her to treat you the way she did. Be hard line. Protect yourself.

YNBU. I also have a mum who lacks any maternal instinct or moral compass whatsoever.

Your Dad sounds lovely. If you can take anything from this I hope that it's that the real gems in your family (your dad) and any close friends more than make up for what you lose out with with your mum. It's helped me. The problem is her not me

op

Didn't you post a couple of days ago about your do who has no contact with his first child?

Dp.

But i guess that all you can do is to try and be a better parent to your 4.

Sometimes it can be tempting to think "well I'm an adult now, just because they treated me badly when I was a child, I can now be grown up about the situation, be the bigger person & extend a hand of friendship". It's up to you whether you do, but the thing is, they were always the adult and should've known better than to treat you so shittily.
I extended such a hand to aunts & uncles who treated myself & my brothers poorly, by inviting them to my wedding. They gave lame excuses, so I'm not bothering any more & don't feel the least bit guilty about it.
Your mum has no excuse not to have contacted you. Is it worth the risk getting hurt to find out she's not the mum you wanted, when she lets you down again, even though you already know that?

You have no reason to feel in any way guilty or pressured to do something you clearly are not keen on.

You could respond with a clear letter. Be as blunt as you like. Taking info from your OP, something like this might be useful:

You left us, more than once. You left behind 3 children and a load of debt. Whatever your reasons for leaving you did nothing to make our lives easier. No contact, no explanation, and eventually, loss of our home. Your only attempt at explanation was inadequate. All of that amounts to something you have to understand is inexplicable to me. Should I ever wish to contact you I will do so. Please, tell your parents to cease trying to twist my arm. I do not wish to be forced, cajoled or tricked into contact that I do not instigate.

Even if you write one up you don't have to send it. It might be enough to write it and see clearly why your decision is the right one for you, right now. Please do note that my example did not bolt any doors, just held them closed, you never know. Also, don't let anyone tell you that a polite but determined letter is something you should not send. The worst thing you can do is to be silent to avoid hurting anyone elses feelings. That just means you have to negate your own.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Op just because somebody is your family doesn't mean they have a legal right to upset you. If you feel anybody in your family will have a negative influence of they are in your life they cut ties.
I do however think people deserve a second chance. Just my opinion.

YANBU, OP. She doesn't sound like much of a parent to you at all and then to not be honest and instead excuse her own behaviour is shitty. She sounds like a truly appalling wife.

You don't owe her anything, whether you chose to take the money (if she does decide to give it) or not is up to you OP. It doesn't excuse her behaviour (except in her mind maybe), nor would it mean you want a relationship.

Sometimes people are toxic and don't deserve to be parents, let alone back in our lives. Sometimes they deserve a second chance. Either is up for you to decide, though I do believe anyone who needs to be badgered to communicate with their child obviously isn't wanting to be a parent and won't be a decent one.

I second the idea of a letter OP. You don't have to send it, in fact the person I know who tried it found it better to burn it. But a letter puts your thoughts in order. Have you had counselling at all? That may be a good idea? How do your brothers feel about her?

Read that wrong, arse. Ignore the attempt to communicate and say bluntly to those trying, ' she is not a mother to me, she hasn't been since I was 10 and has no intention of being. I'm happy and a better person for having her toxicity out of my life. Stop trying to manipulate me into inviting that kind of crap back into my life.'

And why is she not the one begging on bended knees? Why are they pushing? Sounds like she isn't bothered, sadly.

You don't owe her anything. You have the right to not have her in your life, if that's what you want.

She made her choice. That was the last choice that was hers to make, regarding the relationship she has with you. Every choice from that point on is yours. If you don't want to see her - then tell your family to respect that.

She chose to walk away. You are allowed to say that's not something you are willing to forgive, if that's how you feel.

Why are they so keen for you to contact her? For a few quid? Because they mistakenly believe that you need her as a mother, despite everything?

Your family are those people who are there for you. She is your mother but she chose to not mother you. That was her choice, but you are in control now.