To be utterly shocked at Attachment Parenting websites!

[SilenceOfTheSAHMs]

I went on one out of sheer curiosity. It's utter madness.

One woman said she spoon feeds her 5 year old DS, and lets him pretend to be a baby!

I'm all for co sleeping up to an age but there comes a point when these kids are being infantilised.

AIBU for being shocked by some of the views/methods? I hadn't heard of AP until very recently!

And what is the opposite? Rough parenting?????

That's what I was wondering.

I kind of want to start posting on Facebook about all my Rough Parenting techniques.

"My kid always wants loads of cuddles. Fucking pain in the aaaaaaaarse. Get yourself one of these here jumperoos and you can ignore the buggers for hours! I managed to do a 2000 piece jigsaw upside down while my baby was in one of these! He stopped whining after the first couple of hours too! Win win!"

I've seen a lot of oddness in the name of AP/GP.
A birthday meal booked for 15 people including two couples with DC travelled over 3 hours to attend. The birthday person lives with her sister and and 3yo niece.
In their house having pre meal drinks and the 3 year old decides she isn't going for Aunty X's meal, resulting in the Aunt, Mum of child, Uncle and Grandmother genuinely concerned that the meal won't take place, much whispering and considering what to do between them.
No-one is allowed to try and persuade the child to change her mind.
The two couples with DC are sitting like this , the restaurant is phoned but the table can only be held for 40 mins. The couples suggest they go to the restaurant anyway, the 3yo wants to play with the other children so there is a lot of hushed "just a little, bit longer".
Eventually the other children get hungry and the couples decide to leave despite begging from the other adults, a 2 year old goes to give the 3 year old a kiss and is pushed away and shouted at by the Aunt and the child's mother as the child must be taught she has the right not to be touched uninvited. (I get this idea but surely a 2 year old has a right not to be upset by adults for attempting to say goodbye).

I've done a lot of reading around parenting styles and I'm pretty certain attachment parenting does not advocate any of the above. The child and parent in question are on the whole miserable. It is sad because the Mum is adamant it is AP and it is the best thing she can do for her child.

Authoritarian parenting is what some gentle parenting website call it.

Thats the thing isnt it some parents dont understand their style of parenting that they are meant to be following being child centred doesnt mean a 3 year old gets to run the show

Gosh, my parents were of the children should do as they are told, generation. Its a wonder i survived.

I think some people either don't understand attachment parenting or they insist on using it to the detriment of the child i.e AP methods don't work very well for that individual child and other methods might suit the child better resulting in better behaviour all round and a happier child.

The alpha site calls formula feeders dff (defensive formula feeders) and says that even a little formula in an emergency is too much. It says remember the saying if you don't start taking the drug you won't need to take the drug.
Most. people aren't like that, they are complete nutters. hugely entertaining when bored though.

Notso,
What a mad story, They're lining themselves up for years of heartache letting their lives be ruled by a child
Did the other adults go to the restaurant in the end with the 3 year old?

No gabsdot45 they had cake and ice cream at home.
There are so many similar stories about this particular child now 6. The Mum is adamant her way is right and her family are convinced it is too. If they were both really happy and the child was full of confidence etc then I could understand it but the Mum is knackered because her DD decides to stay up until 3am and stressed because she seems to be walking on eggshells and the child is miserable, she doesn't mix well with other children, she has no manners. The Mum has said she couldn't have another child because her experience of parenting has been so traumatic. To me if you feel like that then something is wrong.

No offence, but if she is like this at 6 she going to grow up,to be an entitled princess of the wrong sort! She must be tired at school.every day and whats the betting the teachers are already in despair ! Regular bedtimes are a must for everyones sanity. ( not saying i was the perfect mum, but rules are rules, especially about sleep at that age) its just common sense.

My youngest doesn't eat much and he would probably eat more if I spoon fed him but I'm not spoon feeding a school aged child just to shovel more calories into him. Unless the child is ill I don't understand why you would spoon feed a child over the age of 3. I know of two children that are routinely spoon fed, one is attachment parented and the other isn't. The parents are worried that their children will fade away if they don't finish everything on their plate.

I know someone who does AP and the child doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, is violent towards her, didn't have a routine until recently and was allowed to stay up till all hours. The mum has realised now and has tried to implement a routine and use discipline which falls outside of 'AP' principles because nothing else was working but it's been difficult implement and whilst the child may have turned out like that regardless I can't help but think she kind of brought it on herself by having her heart set on being 'AP' rather than doing what suits her child best.

I think you are talking shit OP.
Attachment parent rarely spoon feed its BLW.

I'm sure AP and GP parents can get it right if they really understand the theory and ate fairly confident and sensible in their approach. It can all be a bit woozy though and hard to understand how to do it properly - Alfie Kohn is all theory talk with no real help and direction. I think some parents get it very wrong though and don't really understand or know what they are doing.

I think some people take the AP theory a bit to literally. Yes you are mostly child lead, but children still need guidance and boundaries. You can enforce those and still follow attachment parenting.

Ruled, I was using the term 'club' light heartedly. I've picked and chosen bits of kit and bits of philosophies that suit me and, I hope, DS. I imagine this is just called 'parenting' by most. I was curious about the 'problem' posed by jumperoo use. Thanks to pps for their comments.

Surely most parents pick and choose between various methods of child-rearing, using the bits that work for them and their child and discarding the bits that don't? Without the need for labels?

i'm afraid I don't get the almost slavish adherence to these theories (and they are just theories ) in the face of such difficulties and unhappiness as were mentioned above in previous posts.

And again, re labels - I had no idea what BLW was until I looked it up and thought, hang on, doesn't everyone do this? (Or at least try it, along with other things?) I thought it was absolutely standard to give your baby a stick of carrot when they made a grab for it looked interested in trying it.

I am fairly ancient now but this is not only how I weaned my DC but also how I saw most of my friends and relatives bring up theirs too. We co-slept as well but didn't feel the need make any kind of deal out of it. And didn't call it co-sleeping either Whatever works, peeps.

Sioban - well, exactly. I tick a lot of AP boxes but a velcro baby who fed non stop and couldn't be put down led many of the choices (or felt we had no choice to be precise) we made. I get the impression that many of the more zealous GP/AP parents thinks that everyone else is of the FF, sticking their baby in their own room, smacking, cc/cio, children should be seen and not heard school. I do wish i had tried some of those sling/ wrap things though at newborn stage - the bjorn carrier i got never worked for me.

I actually don't know how people have the time or energy to
Overthink every contact or interaction with their child. Seriously it sounds such hard work.

With my 4 I have breast fed, bottle fed, cuddled to sleep and left to self soothe and done controlled crying. They have been in our bed and in their own, we have hugged them and yes smacked them on occasions, we have shouted at them and tiptoed around then in times of real distress when teens. My dh has had to step in and show whose the boss to our teenage boys when they have been cocky and we have had stand up rows and stomach churning lows. We have had family card games and film nights with them from 2 to 22 and literally wet ourselves laughing. We have supported them, adored them and always put them first. We are just normal flawed parents doing our best.

My oldest is now 25 and about to be a dad. We teased him that he would be a stricter parent than us and he said 'no my childhood was idyllic so will do what you guys did'

We will take that.

I don't really know the full ins and outs of attachment parenting, I always thought it was carrying the baby everywhere in a sling and co sleeping.
Most parents just do a mixture of all kinds of parenting and just get on with it without labelling it and following every rule from ridiculous theories.
My parenting style changes hourly.

My ds would go nuts if he was strapped to me all day. How do these babies that are 'worn' all day learn to crawl, play with stuff etc?

Im fairly ancient to and i did pick and mix parenting . I go on various training courses and parenting styles come into them i read them thinking well i did this or that not sure why these theroys are a style tbh. And attachment research was pretty brutal in the 50s and 60s

Obviously people should parent in whatever way suits them and their families. I do get irritated by the 'attachment' descriptor in AP, though, because AP as a parenting style has no real basis in attachment theory, which is a respected branch of scientific study. I repeat: there is no proper scientific evidence whatsoever that following the precepts of AP will have any long-term effect on a child's attachment style.

If anyone can point me to a proper, peer-reviewed study that contradicts this I will be delighted to read it - I've been looking for one for ages but haven't found it yet. All references to attachment science in the context of AP that I've been able to find thus far are sensationally-reported studies whose (probably in the original paper quite nuanced) conclusions are misapplied in the context of perfectly normal and functional parent/child relationships to make entirely adequate caregivers feel guilty.

I read loads of books on parenting while I was expecting DS1 (in my defence I grew up in foster care and had no idea what parenting really even was, and wanted a few ideas on what to expect). DS1 came along and didn't fit into any of the preconceived ideas or plans I'd made so we learned to fly by the seat of our pants each day. Essentially I had to grow up with him and work out what was right for us both.

Having had DS2 I now realise that is exactly what most parents do; nobody can plan or define their painting, you simply aim for something and occasionally congratulate yourself on having survived another day of madness.

My DCs are routine-led, they have boundaries and I have expectations of them in regard to their behaviour, and sanctions in place for when they hurt one another or disrespect us (the biggest issues we go through at the moment, as they're both still young). Governing their own behaviour simply would not work for us as a family. I don't knock those who choose it, I knock those who choose it then disapprove of the parents who make alternative choices. It's nobody's place to judge.

Thatsafunnyface DS1 hated being in a sling when he was tiny and always needed to be free, in fact he hated being cuddled to sleep and now he's 9 still only comes and snuggles me on his own terms. DS2 had to be held constantly as a baby or he'd scream bloody murder for hours and hours. He lived in the sling til about 4 months, and after that he was in and out of it regularly. He's 4 now and a perfectly happy, independent child, he just needed more time to find his feet. If one parent can have two children so entirely different, I think it's reasonable to expect that children around the world could potentially have a million differences and require entirely different parenting styles.