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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice on debate with OH

91 replies

Amy0039 · 02/08/2015 16:26

Hi ladies, just looking for a bit of advice as I can't seem to rationalise my thoughts. I've been having some nasty pregnancy symptoms, so I've been feeling rotten for four weeks solid now, so I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting/being hormonal and stroppy.

Every time I mention that I'm feeling rough, my partner responds by pointing out that his SIL wasn't sick when she was pregnant (which strikes me as an implication that he thinks I'm making my sickness up despite me hurling up several times a day). He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort. I agree that emotinonally we're both going through a lot, but it's me that's going through all the physical effects, and putting up with all of the accompanying sh*tty side effects. I can't help but feel that I'm going through more than he is at this stage of the game. Sometimes I just want a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, but if I ever mention feeling rough I just end up feeling belittled and upset by his response.

AIBU here or does anyone else get where I'm coming from?

OP posts:

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 02/08/2015 17:11

What. A. Wanker.

50:50 effort my arse. If my partner ever utters those words (8 weeks or so left to say something so stupid), he and the sofa would be getting VERY well acquainted for the next few days. Don't get me wrong, he's said the odd thing that has made me eye roll, but that's a whole new level of idiot you've got there. Next time he has man-flu ir similar, please bring up every instance of other people just 'getting on with it', and be zero sympathetic. Arsehole .

PerpetualStudent · 02/08/2015 17:15

TRexing has it exactly. Im sitting here now with my 10 week old DS on my chest and I can fully vouch for the fact, especially if you're planning to breastfeed, it does not balance out to 50:50 for a while. It's in no way pushing your DP out to want sympathy, understanding & support - he needs to realise that's where his 50 comes in.
Though, perhaps you could offer him the opportunity to eat out of date food, to share in your sickness?!...

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 02/08/2015 17:25

Which days of the week is he pregnant?

VeganCow · 02/08/2015 17:46

Oh god, wait til you give birth. he waill be complaining about how tired he is. And stressed. You know, cos he's a new dad.

LilyMayViolet · 02/08/2015 18:06

If he wants 50/50 he needs to do something to support you. Show him this thread.

londonrach · 02/08/2015 18:10

Seriously...50:50. Each pregnancy is different. You cant compare his sil pregnancy to yours. Sounds like she was lucky re the sickness. I bet he didnt see her triedness...

milliemanzi · 02/08/2015 18:14

If my partner said to me that pregnancy was a 50:50 effort I would laugh hysterically. Then leave.

HazleNutt · 02/08/2015 18:19

so he's carrying and giving birth to the twin of this baby? No? Then no it's not bloody 50:50!

Micksy · 02/08/2015 18:25

I read somewhere that the first three months, you don't look pregnant but you feel pregnant. The next three months, you look pregnant but you don't feel pregnant. The last three, you look pregnant and you feel pregnant. I know it's a total generalisation, but I do think it's hard for some men to realise just how exhausting those first three months can be when externally it looks like very little has changed at all.
The 50/50 comment still tips him over into wankerdom, however.

contractor6 · 02/08/2015 18:40

So currently his contribution to pregnancy was over in an evening and he talks 50:50. Errrrmm you are a saint for not clocking him one (not condoning violence honest!). Ask him how he'd feel if he couldn't keep any food inside him, like every day was a bad hangover. Sorry for your loss in January, I mc in November, this pregnancy was plagued with sickness, but I kept saying ms is a sign of a strong baby....it gets better, but for now start demanding he cooks etc and you lie down

Iggi999 · 02/08/2015 18:46

It may be "our" baby not just "your" baby but it's definitely "your" pregnancy not "our" pregnancy.

Iggi999 · 02/08/2015 18:46

IE your friend is an idiot too.

MilesHuntsWig · 02/08/2015 18:47

He is a selfish and clueless idiot. Show him this thread. You've been more than fair to him on it.

Doje · 02/08/2015 18:53

Has he done any reading on the subject? There are a few books out there, some which are specifically aimed at men, and they are normally (and quite rightly!) very sympathetic towards the women who, ye know, actually carry the baby for 9 months....

My DH read one and although it was a bit patronising in places, I think it gave him something to think about.

LadyLuck81 · 02/08/2015 18:58

OP. PM me if you're happy to. I've a parenting book for dads that I'll post to you for nowt. It's great and helps explain what you are going through.

eurochick · 02/08/2015 18:58

Shove a watermelon up his arse to help with his 50% of the experience...

LindyHemming · 02/08/2015 18:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gabilan · 02/08/2015 19:00

Tell him you're looking forward to him performing a medical miracle and being pregnant for 20 weeks.

chickenfuckingpox · 02/08/2015 19:00

give him food poisoning then when he feels ill tell him x didnt feel ill when they had food poisoning they climbed up mount kilimanjaro while he is vomiting his head off

and spread chili on the loo roll for when it goes through him

git

CarrieLouise25 · 02/08/2015 19:10

chickenfuckingpox very funny x

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/08/2015 19:10

"Every time I mention that I'm feeling rough, my partner responds by pointing out that his SIL wasn't sick when she was pregnant."
What a fucking STUPID response!

"I don't think he's making me feel worse on purpose, I think he's genuinely clueless."
Then he needs to get clued up, and pronto.

"He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort."
That just beggars belief. Truly. He hasn't even made the effort to inform himself about common pregnancy symptoms, so he's talking out of his arse. Which I suggest you ram a melon into, so that he can share the experience of birth just a little bit more.

Seriously, I don't know why you haven't killed him pulled him up on his behaviour. He is being a total bastard, I mean - "if I ever mention feeling rough I just end up feeling belittled and upset by his response" - that is absolutely NOT how it is meant to be.

JeanSeberg · 02/08/2015 19:14

What was he like as a partner prior to this? Has he always been a dick?

motherinferior · 02/08/2015 19:18

So...his uterus is expanding, right? And his breasts are starting to prepare for lactation and his blood supply is increasing and his immune system is shot?

Guiltypleasures001 · 02/08/2015 19:22

I am currently giving birth to a kidney stone, were on holiday in a luxury cabin. I'm layed up sweaty and smelly cause can hardly stand up. He has been running around me like a mother hen and brought me little tubs of sweets, and ham rolls, oh and taking me to out of hours docs at 1am this morning.

I've sent him off to the hot tub for a soak before we go home tomorrow, I keep apologising for fecking up our week and now apparently I sound like a boring broken record and can I shut up.
He will be running me a bath later and packing all our stuff, I couldn't care less if he's was shagging his pa at the moment cause he would still be a top bloke.

Kick dh in the balls and tell him that's how sick you feel right now, better still pick any one of us to come round and do it for you.

yorkshapudding · 02/08/2015 19:35

Pregnancy is not a fucking "50/50 effort" and he is a complete arse for suggesting so. Does he think the birth will be a 50/50 effort as well because if some arsehole of a man dared to suggest such a thing while I was trying to push a little human out of my foof I would feel entitled to repeatedly punch him in the balls throughout the entire process.

You are growing a person, which is fucking amazing but can also be bloody hard work. If he doesn't realise that women experience pregnancy differently then he seriously needs to educate himself. His role at this point should be taking care of you, not making you feel even worse than you already do.

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