Advice on debate with OH

[Amy0039]

Hi ladies, just looking for a bit of advice as I can't seem to rationalise my thoughts. I've been having some nasty pregnancy symptoms, so I've been feeling rotten for four weeks solid now, so I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting/being hormonal and stroppy.

Every time I mention that I'm feeling rough, my partner responds by pointing out that his SIL wasn't sick when she was pregnant (which strikes me as an implication that he thinks I'm making my sickness up despite me hurling up several times a day). He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort. I agree that emotinonally we're both going through a lot, but it's me that's going through all the physical effects, and putting up with all of the accompanying sh*tty side effects. I can't help but feel that I'm going through more than he is at this stage of the game. Sometimes I just want a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, but if I ever mention feeling rough I just end up feeling belittled and upset by his response.

AIBU here or does anyone else get where I'm coming from?

[GiddyOnZackHunt]

Stamp on his foot really hard then as he hops about tell him that you're sharing his pain 50:50 as you helped him get hurt.

[ASorcererIsAWizardSquared]

i read your post out to my DH, and he said (and i quote)

"It might have been exhausting coming in from work and picking up the housework and helping with DS, but it was the VERY LEAST i could do considering how much you were struggling.. but i would never even try to suggest pregnancy was a 50/50 thing. He's a knob"

[ChunkyPickle]

God OP - what a ridiculous thing to say, and what an unsupportive 'friend'

What Micksey said is true in my experience - I had it easy really, but still, first 3 months feel ropey and tired, middle three are OK, but clothes get uncomfortable, and the last three I turn into a grumpy whinging person who's weeing, fidgeting, and walking so slowly I can't keep up with toddlers.

My sisters both had it much worse though... as did my SIL..

[Amy0039]

Thanks everyone. Feeling a lot better. Going to follow advice and look up some parenting sites and pages for expectant Dads. This is a man who once took a bus from Middlesbrough to Darlington just to bring me a gingerbread man with pink buttons and a hug because I'd had a rough day, then got the bus back again about ten mins later. He's not usually a d*ck, I think it's just a severe lack of insight.

It hit a raw nerve being compared to his SIL anyway, because MIL loves her and is really offhanded with me (this doesn't have any effect on my life at present, as I just avoid her like the plague, but it likely will once the baby arrives)

Pregnancy hormones are making everything seem worse. Usually if something bothers me I have a rant then move on, but I'm just really over sensitive to everything at the moment.

[ToriaPumpkin]

I hope you manage to find something that helps him understand. I had absolutely zero sickness with either pregnancy but I did have SPD. My MIL made a big deal about how when she was nine months pregnant she was painting her boat, doing her gardening and doing a weekly shop with her legs crossed. DH didn't say anything out loud but I could tell he thought it couldn't be that bad really. Nobody he knew had had it and his best friend's wife had hyperemesis while is visible and clearly awful. But I didn't have anything like that, did I?

Between my first and second pregnancies his Godmother's DIL had SPD. She sent an email about what they'd been up to and said they'd spent a week with them "But obviously poor X couldn't join in much as she was in too much pain."

In my second pregnancy I was given crutches and a repeat script for codeine at 16 weeks. They all promptly shut up.

[ToriaPumpkin]

Pressed send too soon.

So my advice is offer him some literature/websites and if he persists in being a dick shove a melon up his arse as suggested above

[BlueBananas]

Why does he think he knows so much about SIL's pregnancy?
I am rough as toast, in pain all the time and absolutely going-to-knock-myself-out-just-to-get-some-sleep tired ... But my brother hasn't got a clue! Why would he!?! When I see him and he says how are you, I say "oh I'm fine!" Doesn't everyone respond like this? So of course he thinks your SIL was "fine" through her pregnancy

God what a twat!

[Totality22]

OP stop enabling this selfish twit.

Your 'I know we are both going through it emotionally' comment is normalising the fact he is being a selfish arse hole. Pregnancy is not 50/50. Not emotionally or physically.. its nowhere near 50/50 and he is being a complete diva to even suggest this to you. The fact you were not sure if he was being unreasonable is just madness.

[Duckdeamon]

He is being a twat. Sooner and harder this is addressed the better or he will be a twat when you're in labour and looking after your baby.

Your male friend is being a twat.

[Icimoi]

Please, for all of us, ask him what the hell relevance SIL's experience has to anything, and why it isn't relevant that I, for instance, was throwing up for 9 months throughout three pregnancies?

[Duckdeamon]

You are not being at all over sensitive!

[BuggerLumpsAnnoyed]

I'm 24 weeks pregnant. Im constipated,have heart burn, my back hurts, I pee all the time, among other less glamorous things. It has never occured to me to check if DH has these symptoms as I wasn't aware about this 50/50 thing. Poor blokes clearly been suffering in silence. Not like us silly, complaining women.

I second punching him. Your body is going through something huge. The physical symptoms vary from woman to woman and can be pretty dramatic/traumatic. But the emotional side really takes its role. You are carrying a person. A person that you have to give birth to. It's all weird and terrifying and he can't comprehend so he should shut up, rub your feet, buy you chocolate and tell you how brave a beautiful you are.

[Ladyconstance]

He's being totally insensitive. But he also sounds terrified and clueless about what you're going through. Not an excuse by any means, but could he be freaking out because of the mc, do you think? My ex H made similar stupid remarks when I was pregnant with DC1. He just never got the fact that I needed lots of love and care during pregnancy cos I was pretty anxious myself. That's why he's now the ex H. We were both weirded out and worried, and just weren't mature or secure enough to help each other. Not that I'm saying ltb!

[AdeleDazeem]

He is being a first rate fuck-knuckle.

[Nibledbyducks]

Excellent, seeing as it's 50/50 and you will have looked after the baby for 9 months single handed before it's born then he wil be doing all the night shifts for nine months afterward then :)

[aurynne]

"He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort"

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Signed: a midwife

[CalmYoBadSelf]

Tell him the 50:50 effort thing is over the entire time of producing and raising a child. Our children are now 27 and 25 and it is only in the last 5 years that DH's input has brought him up to the 50:50 mark

[Stingingthistle]

What a prat

[AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain]

Your labour is going to be all about him isn't it.

Fuck that.

[TinyTearsFirstLove]

Throw up on him....repeatedly so he can have the 50:50 experience of morning sickness.
Get one of those things that men can wear so they learn what it's like to have a baby bump and make him wear it all the time including nighttime so he can share the experience 50:50 too.
Make him drink a litre of water every half hour so he understands what it's like to constantly need to go for a piss.
Randomly kick and poke him in the stomach whenever the baby does it to you so he can feel what it's like.
Feed him food that gives him indigestion.
Only let him have about 4 hours sleep a night so that he can also experience the tiredness you feel 'in preparation for when the baby arrives'.
Just tell him it's a fantastic idea that he wants to be in the experience 50:50 and so this I what's going to happen so you both can feel that you're really in it together.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Ok, first off you need to point out that - suprise surprise - all women are different. If he'd rather be with SIL than you, then fine - if not, then he needs to accept that you are a different person and things are different for you.

Next - 50:50? ON what fucking planet? he's not a seahorse! Nor an emu, or other nest-minding bird, he's a human BLOKE. His 50:50 starts when the baby arrives; until then, you're doing all the baby-building work, so he can just suck that up and get on withsupporting you while you do it. Take on a bit extra around the house, maybe. Be a bit fucking sympathetic, perhaps, since it's YOU building yours and his baby.

God, I got angry enough (homicidally hormonally so) with DH when he would complain about how "tired" he was, poor precious - and that I didn't know what it was like - he didn't do it often!

As for the friend - he can fuck off too.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Oh and since he wants it to be a 50:50 effort so much, sign him up for this:

Bet he'll change his mind.

[mikado1]

OP, I am the honest, if grim, voice from the other side. My beautiful baby is 4 days old and this is my life for now-I spent most of yesterday and the previous night, and through the night, sitting feeding him. Sitting upright on my stitches, which does nothing to help the pain but I can't avoid. I am also probably encouraging piles by doing this but they are probably inevitable at this stage. Baby is not latching properly so as well as boobs bursting with milk, my nipples are in pain and feeds consist if taking him on and off trying to get it right. I also have to inject a blood thinner into my thighs daily.

My oh is looking after our 3 year old and lunches and dinners and nappy changes and baby in between the marathon feeds. Does that sound 50:50? I can tell you it's not, it just can't be, and I wouldn't be held responsible if he suggested it was. I have had a few 'I'm so tired' looks to which I have responded with a single look that says it all!! I hope your dh can come round to the reality of what you're going through now and the new future ahead..

I am thrilled btw it's not all horror! !

[TheSkyAtNight]

Great advice on here. I am laughing away! My plan would be:

The books
The MW
The melon
The 9 months off after the baby is born when he does his 50%!

Seriously, he needs to get over himself. My dp is constantly getting me stuff & cooking for me as he 'can't make his poor pregnant wife get up off the sofa'! Ok, so we are both joking a bit about this, but only a bit! I reckon sympathy is the bloke's 'contribution' at this stage.

Re. SIL comparisons, 'lucky bloody her!' would be my response. YAsoooNBU!

[SolidGoldBrass]

You need to have a serious talk with him and then a serious think about whether to end the marriage.
Unfortunately, it's common for abusive men to show their true colours during or shortly after the first pregnancy. Some are actively horrible to their pregnant partners, some are neglectful and selfish, some insist on sex despite the fact that it's uncomfortable, scary or distasteful to the pregnant woman (not that sex in pregnancy is necessarily any of those things - depends on the woman and the pregnancy).
Pregnancy, and the first few months of having a new baby, are the stage of any heterosexual couple-relationship where the man is the least important person in the family. It doesn't mean his life has to be made hell, it just means that the needs of mother and baby take priority. Men who think and behave as though they are the Man Of The House and therefore top priority need either a sharp word - or to be got rid of.