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AIBU?

Advice on debate with OH

91 replies

Amy0039 · 02/08/2015 16:26

Hi ladies, just looking for a bit of advice as I can't seem to rationalise my thoughts. I've been having some nasty pregnancy symptoms, so I've been feeling rotten for four weeks solid now, so I'm not sure if I'm over-reacting/being hormonal and stroppy.

Every time I mention that I'm feeling rough, my partner responds by pointing out that his SIL wasn't sick when she was pregnant (which strikes me as an implication that he thinks I'm making my sickness up despite me hurling up several times a day). He also keeps going on about how it's a 50/50 effort. I agree that emotinonally we're both going through a lot, but it's me that's going through all the physical effects, and putting up with all of the accompanying sh*tty side effects. I can't help but feel that I'm going through more than he is at this stage of the game. Sometimes I just want a cuddle and a bit of sympathy, but if I ever mention feeling rough I just end up feeling belittled and upset by his response.

AIBU here or does anyone else get where I'm coming from?

OP posts:

Report

Iggi999 · 04/08/2015 14:32

Oh that's good news Mikado - worth trying anything!

mikado1 · 04/08/2015 14:02

Iggi999 I looked it up and gave it a try and it's quite crazy-he just did a mad neck swing and latched straight away! Lovely and comfy too :) TU
OP I hope you have told your dh where to go if there have been any comments since!

ElementaryMyDearWatson · 03/08/2015 22:46

Next time he complains about any ache or pain, point out to him that SIL hasn't had that problem. Then when he asks wtf that has to do with it, tell him that it has just as much to do with his backache, headache, sore toe or whatever as it has to do with your nausea.

whois · 03/08/2015 21:09

Are you on good terms with his sister and mum? I'd def be having a small confide in them about how unsupportive he's being if I could!

FryOneFatManic · 03/08/2015 20:56

OP, as someone who escaped morning sickness in two pregnancies, I feel that your OH is being an idiot.

I was simply lucky, no more, no less. It wasn't something I had any control over (but I did get super horrendous heartburn pretty much permanently, causing pain, lack of sleep, etc).

I think getting your MW to have a chat with him should hopefully help.

Hope you feel better soon.

Iggi999 · 03/08/2015 20:53

mikado do you need to be upright to feed? Just wondering if lying on your side, or that laid back position my HVs were so fond of, might help. I did a lot of lying down feeding due to section, sounds like you need it more with your stitches, poor thing

TRexingInAsda · 03/08/2015 19:37

Next time he's mowing the grass, tell him mowing the grass is knackering you out because you're both doing it 50/50, even though he's actually mowing, and you're just part of the team, you're both putting the same effort in.

loveareadingthanks · 03/08/2015 17:14

or if you are unsure of his motivations (as you seem to be), try turning it round to him with questions and see how he responds. And until there's an adequate response of 'I don't know, sorry, I'm a twat' or an admision of the thinking that's really behind it, keep repeating the question exactly back to him.

You: I feel sick.
Him: Sil was never sick.
You: Why do you keep telling me SIL was never sick?
Him: But she wasn't.
You: But Why do you keep telling me SIL was never sick?
Him: Some women aren't.
You: But why do you keep telling me SIL was never sick?
Him: Perhaps it's all in your mind....

loveareadingthanks · 03/08/2015 17:08

I wasn't sick once when I was pregnant. I was one of the few lucky ones and bloody grateful for it. Only a complete idiot/twat doesn't know pregnant women normally puke for England.

If he mentions non-sicky SIL again, I think the only possible answer is: So fucking what.

Ok, let's say he isn't actually a nasty piece of work and is being a twerp/misguided in how he is reponding to you. By a huge stretch of imagination I could just about go with the idea of his bringing up SIL as his only possibly anecdote about pregnancy sickness and he doesn't really mean it to come across as disbelieving/judgemental. And the 50/50 thing could be a really dumb irritating way of trying to tell you 'I'm here for you'. Mr Really Bad at Communicating, in other words.

You have to tell him that these things are NOT helpful in the slightest and spell out exactly what you do want from him. So 'when I'm feeling sick I know there's nothing you can do to stop me feeling sick, but I'd appreciate some sympathy and an offer to go get me X. And no more mention of the few lucky pregnant women who aren't sick 'cos frankly I don't give a fuck about them and you are pissing me off'. And cut the 50/50 crap while you are at it. I'm 100% in this at the moment, not you!'

mikado1 · 03/08/2015 16:20

Thumbwitchesabroad you are very kind-midwife said no tt.. latch fine last night after much perseverance but the lower lip is not playing ball today!

AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 03/08/2015 14:13

When sil is mentioned I would be saying 'wtf has that go to do with anything??'

VeganCow · 03/08/2015 13:30

Someone upthread mentioned how he knows so much about his sister's pregnancy - this is spot on. I think his mother is comparing you to SIL in an unfavourable light, wonder what they are all saying when you arent there?

derxa · 03/08/2015 13:21

He's being a complete twat. I was sick throughout my first pregnancy and words cannot describe how hellish the feeling was.

bopoityboo3 · 03/08/2015 13:00

If he doesn't get that right now your needs come first I'd be worried about how he's going to manage when your focus is on a completely new human being.

For what it's worth, and if you want to show him this thread to hopefully knock so sense into him, I'm on my third pregnancy and none have them have been the same.
DC1 no sickness breezed through the 9 months didn't really believe I was pregnant for the first three months due to lack of sickness.
DC2 - terrible sickness, hyper sense of smell, we went through 5 different washing powders before we found one that didn't make me gag. Then SPD from 26 weeks onwards.
DC3 - pretty bad morning sickness so far.

Through out all of it my DH has done everything he can to make it easier for me not complaining that he's in this 50:50 with me and making out i'm being unreasonable.

Tell him to stop being a twat and to start being a proper DP.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 12:58

Mikado - just as an aside - has your baby been checked for tongue tie? And if so, and he has it, have you been offered to have it snipped/divided? It could make the world of difference, even if it seems to be a minor one. :)

BettyCatKitten · 03/08/2015 12:21

50/50 my arse!
What a twat!

SolidGoldBrass · 03/08/2015 12:16

You need to have a serious talk with him and then a serious think about whether to end the marriage.
Unfortunately, it's common for abusive men to show their true colours during or shortly after the first pregnancy. Some are actively horrible to their pregnant partners, some are neglectful and selfish, some insist on sex despite the fact that it's uncomfortable, scary or distasteful to the pregnant woman (not that sex in pregnancy is necessarily any of those things - depends on the woman and the pregnancy).
Pregnancy, and the first few months of having a new baby, are the stage of any heterosexual couple-relationship where the man is the least important person in the family. It doesn't mean his life has to be made hell, it just means that the needs of mother and baby take priority. Men who think and behave as though they are the Man Of The House and therefore top priority need either a sharp word - or to be got rid of.

TheSkyAtNight · 03/08/2015 11:00

Great advice on here. I am laughing away! My plan would be:

The books
The MW
The melon
The 9 months off after the baby is born when he does his 50%!

Seriously, he needs to get over himself. My dp is constantly getting me stuff & cooking for me as he 'can't make his poor pregnant wife get up off the sofa'! Ok, so we are both joking a bit about this, but only a bit! I reckon sympathy is the bloke's 'contribution' at this stage.

Re. SIL comparisons, 'lucky bloody her!' would be my response. YAsoooNBU!

mikado1 · 03/08/2015 10:13

OP, I am the honest, if grim, voice from the other side. My beautiful baby is 4 days old and this is my life for now-I spent most of yesterday and the previous night, and through the night, sitting feeding him. Sitting upright on my stitches, which does nothing to help the pain but I can't avoid. I am also probably encouraging piles by doing this but they are probably inevitable at this stage. Baby is not latching properly so as well as boobs bursting with milk, my nipples are in pain and feeds consist if taking him on and off trying to get it right. I also have to inject a blood thinner into my thighs daily.

My oh is looking after our 3 year old and lunches and dinners and nappy changes and baby in between the marathon feeds. Does that sound 50:50? I can tell you it's not, it just can't be, and I wouldn't be held responsible if he suggested it was. I have had a few 'I'm so tired' looks to which I have responded with a single look that says it all!! I hope your dh can come round to the reality of what you're going through now and the new future ahead..

I am thrilled btw it's not all horror! !

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 04:28

Oh and since he wants it to be a 50:50 effort so much, sign him up for this:

Bet he'll change his mind.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/08/2015 04:26

Ok, first off you need to point out that - suprise surprise - all women are different. If he'd rather be with SIL than you, then fine - if not, then he needs to accept that you are a different person and things are different for you.

Next - 50:50? ON what fucking planet? he's not a seahorse! Nor an emu, or other nest-minding bird, he's a human BLOKE. His 50:50 starts when the baby arrives; until then, you're doing all the baby-building work, so he can just suck that up and get on withsupporting you while you do it. Take on a bit extra around the house, maybe. Be a bit fucking sympathetic, perhaps, since it's YOU building yours and his baby.

God, I got angry enough (homicidally hormonally so) with DH when he would complain about how "tired" he was, poor precious - and that I didn't know what it was like - he didn't do it often!

As for the friend - he can fuck off too.

TinyTearsFirstLove · 03/08/2015 04:15

Throw up on him....repeatedly so he can have the 50:50 experience of morning sickness.
Get one of those things that men can wear so they learn what it's like to have a baby bump and make him wear it all the time including nighttime so he can share the experience 50:50 too.
Make him drink a litre of water every half hour so he understands what it's like to constantly need to go for a piss.
Randomly kick and poke him in the stomach whenever the baby does it to you so he can feel what it's like.
Feed him food that gives him indigestion.
Only let him have about 4 hours sleep a night so that he can also experience the tiredness you feel 'in preparation for when the baby arrives'.
Just tell him it's a fantastic idea that he wants to be in the experience 50:50 and so this I what's going to happen so you both can feel that you're really in it together.

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AboutTimeIChangedMyNameAgain · 03/08/2015 03:42

Your labour is going to be all about him isn't it.

Fuck that.

Stingingthistle · 03/08/2015 02:12

What a prat

CalmYoBadSelf · 03/08/2015 02:01

Tell him the 50:50 effort thing is over the entire time of producing and raising a child. Our children are now 27 and 25 and it is only in the last 5 years that DH's input has brought him up to the 50:50 mark

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