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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect my son to ring me when hes with his dad

19 replies

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 10:40

Im new at this so wasnt sure whether to post here or in the single parent bit . Anyway i have to work most of the summer holidays so my son has gone to spend some time with his dad. We dont get on that well but ive always tried to let my son keep in touch with him. Am I wrong to expect my son to ring me whilst hes away? Ive just had a bit of a heated conversation on the phone asking his dad to get him to ring me. Can someone please tell me shall I should just chill out and hes having agood time hence no calls from him? Hes eleven and a half. Feedback appreciated

OP posts:

Branleuse · 02/08/2015 10:49

yabu. Its nice if he rings you, but you shouldnt expect it

overthemill · 02/08/2015 10:52

We always found that kids settled better with the parent they were staying with if they didn't make contact during the time. At this age they can miss the other parent terribly ( even tho totally happy the rest of the time) if they call. We had one holiday ruined when she's ex called to tell the kids something not that important and they spent the next couple of days upset. The kids always played up on first and last days when with either parent too - we think they were trying to be cross with us so they wouldn't miss us so much! So I think don't expect or demand a call

DoJo · 02/08/2015 10:53

Have you rung him? I would think that at his age, he's probably caught up in what he's doing, but there's no reason why you shouldn't call him to check in and have a quick chat.

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 10:58

Thanks for the feedback. Ive just spoken to him and hes just been really busy . Its the first time hes really spent alot of time with his dad so im also probably worrying about that as well. I will try and chill out

OP posts:

ohtheholidays · 02/08/2015 11:01

YANBU but your ex is.

We have a similar situation ourselves at the moment OP and just a 2 minute call would stop my insides from churning like a cement mixer constantly.

Our DD12 has gone on holiday(for 2 weeks)with our friends and they're 2 children.

She's never been away from us for this long and never been on holiday with them before.

Poor DH has tried ringing several times,either can't get an answer or it says number unavailable.

I haven't spoke to her since friday,I know for some that doesn't seem long but she has kidney problems and this is the first time any of our 5DC have gone away with friends of ours.

Her poor oldest brother keeps worrying about her(he's 19)and our 2 children that are autistic are starting to panick.We have to keep telling them little white lies to stop the autistic melt downs from happening for them.

I hope you get to speak to your son soon.

TTWK · 02/08/2015 11:06

Does he ring his dad when he's with you?

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 11:08

Ohtheholidays-i know exactly how you feel. As he gets older im trying to give him a bit more independence but im going to be very grey as well. Ha ha ha. Its also made me realise that I need to get some other stuff going on in my life. At the mo its all about work , work any my son. Hence when hes not here I feel like someone has removed an arm.

OP posts:

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 11:12

TTWk-He used to but this stopped as I think that he feels if his dad cant call him he wont bother calling him. Hes a very stubborn little boy. Not sure who he gets that from ! Ha ha ha

OP posts:

PtolemysNeedle · 02/08/2015 11:16

I was always very wary of talking to my dc when they were with their Dad. I wanted them to know I was thinking of them but also didn't want them to feel guilty that they were having a great time without me or feel pressured into having to speak to me to keep me happy. I think it was important for them to know that I trusted their Dad to be taking care of them and that if they needed anything from me, then their dad would make sure that happened, but it's supposed to be about them having time with their Dad, not about me missing them.

Now that they're older and have their own phones I can text or email them directly it's much easier.

wannaBe · 02/08/2015 11:17

tbh I think yabu a bit. your ds is with his other parent, and while it is nice to speak to them when they're away from you, the truth is that expectation of speaking to the other parent can create added pressure for the child.

Me and my ex split when ds was nine, and in the beginning each of us would call him on the nights when he was with the other. We do still do this, however I am always aware that if they are e.g. out somewhere then I won't call his/dh's mobile because I don't feel that ds should be taken away from something on the expectation of having to have a conversation with me iyswim. If I don't call ds knows that he can call me any time either on my landline or mobile if I'm out and he usually knows where I am so if it's not convenient to call me. If they're on holiday as they will be in a couple of weeks then I will leave it to ds to call. My only reservation about this would be if there was pressure from the other parent for him not to iyswim, which is just as bad as pressure from the absent parent to call.

ohtheholidays tbh I think your situation is different because your dd has gone away with friends not another parent. I would expect there to be some emphasis on needing to make sure that her mum knew that she was ok, even if that reassurance came from the friends themselves and not the child.

Mrsjayy · 02/08/2015 11:20

I think yabu a little bit you could ring him but tbh he is with his dad leave him to it.

pinksomething · 02/08/2015 11:28

I agree with overthemill. Mine don't like to speak to the parent they're not with. Compartmentalising I suppose.
I would however expect exH to keep in touch a little - just a text every couple of days to say all ok, having a nice time etc!

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 11:34

I think alot of it also stems from the fact that I really dislike his dad. I do try not to get my son involved with this and ive always left the door open so they can see each other and he can make his own mind up about him. Its like letting someone burgle your house and make off with your most precious possesions. Its so very hard!!!! (Sad)

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 02/08/2015 11:39

I speak to ds in the morning and evening sometimes it's a conversation other times hello have a good day love you bye

Just because he is with his dad I do not stop parenting

He speaks to his dad most days, this hasn't always been the case but is now

We both want contact with our child and he with us how we feel about having to answer the phone to each other is irrelevant I am not bothered I don't think ds dad is either why should we be

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 11:49

I also dont stop parenting my son when hes with his dad. Im also very polite when I have to talk to his dad. Life is far to short in my opinion.

OP posts:

FreudiansSlipper · 02/08/2015 11:53

I am not suggesting you do

If you want to talk to your ds text asking if he is free he may not want to ask his dad if he can call you, hopefully this is not the case

Next time he goes away agree with your ds roughly when you will call and inform your ex of this

Original poster

iluvshoes · 02/08/2015 12:01

Hopefully its all sorted now and ive agreed to text him in the week just to check in.

OP posts:

honeyroar · 02/08/2015 12:06

I've noticed over the years that my stepson doesn't seem to like talking to his mum when he's at our house and doesn't talk to us much when he's with his mum. He'll talk, but is quite brief and doesn't get involved, unless he needs to arrange something or he hasn't seen us for ages.

Charley50 · 02/08/2015 12:15

I barely speak to my DS when he's at his dads. He goes there regularly and is not at all chatty on the phone. Now he has his own phone I will text or ring him just so he knows I'm thinking of him. He is not chatty with his dad if he rings him when he's here either. YANBU as your DS has not stayed there for long before. Glad you have it sorted now.

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