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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mils dog and 8 week old baby.

80 replies

Mildogproblem · 02/08/2015 07:34

I have posted before regarding my mils dog and my concern around my baby being near it.

Baby is now 8 weeks old, beautiful and happy.

Mil is CONSTANTLY hinting she wants to take my baby home with her (is it my hormones making me so incandescent with rage when she says this?!) and inviting us around for bbqs finners etc.

So far we have managed to decline all invites. The dog has bitten several people in the past, friends, family and strangers. And this woman wants me to bring my baby to her house?!

She treats the dog like a human, talks about it CONSTANTLY to the point that everyone around her is bored of it. Fil regularly tells us in a jokey way about all the dogs recent attacks?! They seem to honestly find it funny.

My husband is really unhappy to tell his mother than we want the dog locked away either outside or behind a dog hate that we would provide when visiting. I am prepared to take baby there as long as this is followed, and I am always present. I can't even iMagine DH taking her there alone I would worry constantly.

I know she won't go for the locking away idea because she truely views the animal as a human child,

Soooo Aibu to request the dog is locked away? Aibu to say we won't visit unless it is locked away?

Aibu to say baby will only go there if I am present?

Or am aibu to even visit the house at all as long as the dog is there??

OP posts:
Mutt · 02/08/2015 09:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rumbleinthrjungle · 02/08/2015 10:00

Explain to MiL from the angle too that if the dog hurt the baby the hospital/GP would log it and report the dog, and a dog with a history may well end up being put down whether MiL is willing or not, it would be out of everyone's hands. Both dog and baby must be protected. She may have stronger emotions to that thought and that may slow up the drama.

I wouldn't allow visiting at their house while they have the dog, they need to come to you. And MiL can say she wants to take the baby home with her, it just isn't ever going to happen.

Original poster
Mildogproblem · 02/08/2015 10:02

The dog hasn't been reported because most victims of her we're family and friends and have simply turned a blind eye. She didn't completely savage these people, so no hospital treatment required. The stranger was, unbelievably a man in a park who WAS hospitalised. How they avoided reporting in that situation is beyond me.

OP posts:
MyOneandYoni · 02/08/2015 10:12

If she explains in a jokey way that the dog has attacked people, explain in a jokey way that your baby doesn't like dogs...

Or, if you need to make it less personal, say "My Health visitor advises..." (worked for me in keeping away from smokers, on-demand breastfeeding, baby sleeping in our room etc). So you could say, "thanks for the offer of the barbecue, my health visitor advises keeping infants away from dogs in their own home. Do come and visit us and keep your dog in at yours ..."
Honestly. it's not that difficult to say no to people...

RachelRagged · 02/08/2015 10:14

Jesus H Christ ..

OP YANBU

ShadowStar · 02/08/2015 10:16

I wouldn't be taking my DC to a house with a dog with a history of biting unless I could be certain it was locked away safely.

I agree it's worrying that your DH is prioritizing MILs feelings over the safety of his child. But if he's unwilling to raise this subject with MIL then you'll have to I guess.

chekovatemycherry · 02/08/2015 10:18

I hate confrontation and I can see how in your situation I would want to be avoidant to keep the peace, and get out of the situation without fully explaining why.

When asked to BBQ, dinner etc, have you explained that the dog is the reason you refuse?

If you always give an excuse that doesn't mention the real issue - she will never know.

Ie if you always make an excuse of a previous commitment, it's too late, your too tired etc, from her point of view you are always rejecting her and she (being thick skinned and blind about her dog) probably doesn't have a clue why you never come over and will indulge in feeling hurt and affronted.

It is blindingly obvious to you (and anyone sane) that you don't want your baby around a dog known to bite, but she obviously can't see this.

A frank conversation needs to be had. Worded in "I" terms : "I am worried about the dog being around the baby."

If you start verbally attacking her with "YOU" terms, telling her what she has to do - she will automatically go on the defence : "You need to shut your dog away etc"

I am not naïve enough to think you saying "I am worried about the dog being near the baby as we know he has bitten before and I don't feel able to bring our baby to your house when the dog is running free " will have her saying "of course dear, we must put the dog out of the way. "

But if you present your feelings to her (collectively your husband saying "WE are concerned about..." ) as much as she may not like them - she will know them. These are your feelings and concerns and you need to express them as such.

Present your fears and concerns to her and then let her decide what she will do. Again, not in a confrontational way - but in an adult way.

If she is all huffy and offended - that is HER choice. You didn't do this to her - SHE chose to react like this.

Keep the moral upper ground by being purely logical and factual as to how you see the situation and that you are keeping your child safe. Don't insult her, don't raise your voice to her. Politely ask her to hear you out and just set out the problem.

She will be shocked beyond belief that you have 'dared' to speak to her like this - but if you do it calmly and rationally, she has to then decide her response.

I think honesty and openness will be unusual for her, but I would make it your policy. Just be polite and clear.

If he can't say it he can write it to her - Shit Sandwich approach. (Good, Bad, Good)

Bread - I love you mum and hope you understand that I need to talk about something concerning me. I appreciate how much you love DOG, I love my family very much too.

Shit - The dog situation (in WE feel.. terms)

Bread - I love you and respect you and hope you understand I never want to upset you, but I need to be honest about how I feel and I look forward to working out how we move forward. We want you in our lives and this is a barrier that we really want to overcome.

Good luck!

Handsoffmysweets · 02/08/2015 10:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

Kayden · 02/08/2015 10:30

YANBU and I wouldn't be taking my child to her house at all because she doesn't sound like the sort of person who would actually lock the dog away safely. Stick to your guns. This dog is a risk to your child.

specialsubject · 02/08/2015 10:35

a dog has the mental capacity of about a two-year-old child, but has the ability to kill. It also has instincts which drive its behaviour.

an ickle fur baby like this is probably the equivalent of a two year old brought up without 'no'.

no dog should be left alone with a child. As your unhinged relative doesn't understand this, don't take the baby to the house.

Croatianmum · 02/08/2015 10:38

YANBU! Pleas don't leave your baby without you, please! Better prevent than to regret!

DrElizabethPlimpton · 02/08/2015 10:44

As a dog owner (a responsible one I hasten to add) your MIL can get lost. Your baby trumps her feelings every single time. A dog that bites is a danger to everyone and most definitely a baby.
I don't know how any sane person would knowingly put a child in a situation like that. Your DH needs to reevaluate in concerns I'm afraid. Sometimes people's idiotic feelings need to be hurt.

ohtheholidays · 02/08/2015 11:08

Please report the dog,you can do it without leaving your name.

Just because no one else has reported it doesn't mean you shouldn't!

Just think OP what if the next attack the dog savages someone's child and that child's life is lost!

Can you honestly say that in that situation keeping quiet and bending over backwards for the inlaws was worth it?

Your inlaws and your husband are never going to report all the attacks this dog has done so you have to.

PunkrockerGirl · 02/08/2015 11:19

YANBU.

Please, please don't back down over this, OP. Hell would freeze over before I'd set foot in that house with a small baby. And a gate or cage wouldn't make the slightest difference to my decision.

MuffMuffTweetAndDave · 02/08/2015 11:26

YABU to even visit. There may well be a way the dog can be safely locked away in PILs home, but this relies on them using some actual sense and being willing to actually take those precautions. Nothing you have said suggests that they will be prepared to do so. And you need to tell them why you are doing this. You're not going to be able to make excuses forever, so come out and say it.

insanityscatching · 02/08/2015 11:37

YANBU, I have a much loved dog who has never bitten anyone but because he has never spent any length time with babies and small children (although is happy to be stroked and petted by children when we are out) I would shut him away if they came to our house. Not because I would expect him to bite because I wouldn't but because if he did bite I would never forgive myself and I don't think any dog is 100% trustworthy

Jacamaar · 02/08/2015 11:53

I wasn't going to post because I am so pissed off with your in laws and I don't even know them.
Believe me seeing your child being mauled by a dog is not funny it is horrifying.
Your precious 8 week old baby would never stand a chance against a dog and your inlaws are kidding themselves if they think their dog wouldn't attack your baby.
Sorry for being blunt it was reading that they found the recent dog attacks funny that got me.
My 2 year old has got terrible scars from being attacked by our own dog when he was 14 months old

FryOneFatManic · 02/08/2015 12:03

I can't see why they'd find dog attacks funny, when it seems most of these attacks have been by family pets that haven't been properly supervised.

Sort of a similar situation to your PILs, then.........

MakeThemEatCake · 02/08/2015 12:09

She treats the dog as though its a human child?
Unfortunately, in these situations the dog and a baby will never mix - the dog will always be put first and treated as the victim.

Clarabel71 · 02/08/2015 12:53

Has anyone reported the dog to the police for attacking them? If a dog attacked me or my children I would. There is no way I would have let my two anywhere near a dog when they were babies never mind one that bites. Maybe a hint to the MIL that the dog may have to be put down if it keeps attacking people. These folk that treat their dogs as their children, they are animals! Also remind DH that his first priority is his wife and child now, not his parents, had these issues with my DH in the past.

SomethingBad · 02/08/2015 15:08

As a first step, I would anonymously report the dog... and no YANBU

Original poster
Mildogproblem · 02/08/2015 16:42

How can I report? What would it achieve so no evidence?

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 03/08/2015 08:46

You said that someone ended up in hospital,if you know when and what the persons name was you could pass that information on.

Police non emergency number or phone your local council,they usually have a department that has to deal with dangerous/stray dogs.

WLondonMum · 03/08/2015 08:54

i have posted about this before. I grew up with vicious dogs and believe my parents were completely irresponsible to have them around us. My sister (and others) still bears the scars. Your role is to protect your baby not your MIL's feelings. It is a great shame that your DH doesn't understand that this is his role too. You would be BU to allow your baby anywhere near this dog (and possibly MIL).

Peacheykeen · 03/08/2015 08:58

My child wouldn't be going round there at all she can come to you. Your baby is precious to hell with mil feelings.