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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask WWYD

61 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 01/08/2015 23:24

My sister who is a few years younger than me is going into her third year of university. As far as we (me and my mum are aware) she is doing well, getting 2:i in most things...

she is home for the summer at my mums at the moment and the other week suddenly got very very funny about HAVING to go back very early to do some stuff for her dissertation. Which includes missing out on a nice trip we've done every year and pull as much of the family (now all adults) together.

She to stay at mine for a night this week for a friends birthday (I live in a different town to mum), while she was here she checked her emails on my desktop mac (which i only really use for when I'm working from home as have ipad/iphone for browsing internet/iplayer) so just logged on tonight and she'd left her emails open on one from uni - she has infact not been getting 2:1s at all... and has diabolically failed the year and has to go back early not for some early dissertation cramming but infact to sit additional exams and have an interview about whether she is allowed to continue...

AIBU to mention this to my mother? It's not just that she's failed its that she seems to be on the verge of getting kicked out and has told us she's on track for a 2:1... Those with kids at uni would you want to know?!

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 01/08/2015 23:26

How close are you to your sister? Could you talk to her about it?

cantbelieveimonhere · 01/08/2015 23:28

Sounds like she deliberately left that email available for you to read. Not easy to do, but I'd start by biting the bullet and talking to her first. Then invite her to talk to your mum. If she doesn't, and depending on circumstances, maybe tell her you're going to speak to your mum about it.

RonaldosAbs · 01/08/2015 23:32

I would want to know, BUT I don't think you should go straight to your mother. I would be very if one of my kids did this without speaking to the sibling first. It isn't your information to share. The fact that she has lied says that shes probably quite ashamed and upset about this. I don't really get why you would want to speak to your mother first instead of her to be honest.

RonaldosAbs · 01/08/2015 23:33

lushaliciousbob · 01/08/2015 23:43

I would speak to your sister and make it clear you would like to support her and are not having a go at her. She is an adult, university is a choice, she's obviously ashamed that she's failed and that's probably why she lied ( either that or she's scared of her parents reaction). I'm close to my older brothers and this is the sort of thing I would tell them over my parents, as they would support me and not judge. Be a good big sister and support if you can

GraysAnalogy · 01/08/2015 23:46

Yes I think you would be unreasonable. She isn't a child, she's an adult and it's up to her to discuss it.

Give her time, I'm sure she will come to you if she needs you

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 01/08/2015 23:47

She may have left it open deliberately - id not thought of that.
She has got incredibly defensive when i've confronted her about other things in the past, and i don't see her that often - as i say was one night in the week when staying at mine for 24 hours was more convenient. She tends to avoid family things too - but is very close to our mum hence thinking about going straight to her.

OP posts:

GiddyOnZackHunt · 01/08/2015 23:47

Let your sister know that you know. If you can offer any support then do so and ask her to keep you updated. Offer to be the person who tells your DM if she needs you to.
It might be a blip (relationship or social life interfering temporarily) or a fundamental problem and may or may not be something your mum needs to know.

WorraLiberty · 01/08/2015 23:50

This is her private business and since when does someone leaving themselves logged into their email account, give you the right to read it?

That's invasive and out of order.

She's an adult and if she wants to involve you or her mum in this, I'm sure she will.

littlejohnnydory · 01/08/2015 23:51

I'd talk to her and most definitely not tell your mum - that's for your sister to do if and when she has to. Not sure why you'd consider telling her tbh - what would it achieve? If she needs to know, she'll find out soon enough. I'd talk to your sister but if she doesn't want to discuss it just stay out of it.

PurpleDaisies · 01/08/2015 23:58

I wouldn't tell your mother without at least talking to her first. You might end up killing any relationship you have with your sister.

I'd talk to her saying you're really worried about her and want to support her in any way you can, and encourage her to tell your mother if she feels she can. You could offer to be there when (or if) she does). She's probably worried about being judged and feeling like she's let people down. Sometimes in that sort of situation it is easier to talk to someone you're not quite so close to.

As others have said, she's an adult and it's her situation to share or not but I appreciate you're in a really difficult position.

BadLad · 02/08/2015 00:01

Sounds like she deliberately left that email available for you to read.

I think this is very unlikely indeed.

GraysAnalogy · 02/08/2015 00:03

YY badlad

I leave my laptop and phone open because I trust people not to look. Not because I want them to. I don't think kidding yourself that she wanted you to read it is good at all. You were wrong to snoop.

cocobean2805 · 02/08/2015 00:04

I read the first part and immediately thought hmm, its more likely to have been going back to resit modules at this time of year rather than do extra work.

She hasn't mentioned it, so is probably quite embarrassed about it. Rather than tell your mum first, I'd talk to your sis, tell her you saw the email, ask her what can you do to help. Trying to keep a secret like that, with the worry of letting people down if you fail is horrific, so be gentle with her.

It can be quite expensive to resit exams (you have to pay per exam, per module, including paying for each paper/essay you have to resit.) I resat a couple of modules in my 3rd year. I tried to keep my resits secret, it was horrible, and I felt humiliated and stressed. I told my Dad in the end as I needed him to drop me off! She probably needs some sisterly support, keep her onside, Resits are not the end of the world (although it probably feels like that to her at the minute.)

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2015 00:04

Exactly BadLad

If she'd left a royal mail letter on the table by accident, would the OP also have read through that and would people be saying it was left there deliberately, rather than a simple oversight?

There's no excuse for invading her privacy like that, so I'm not sure why people are trying to come up with one.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2015 00:05

She's a grown woman. Please don't speak to your mum behind her back, it's her choice whether she discusses it.

LizzieVereker · 02/08/2015 00:05

If it were me (but I appreciate that all sibling relationships are different and that this might not work for you) I would leave her a note that said something like:

"I understand that things might not being go as well at Uni as we thought. If you want to talk about it, I'd like to listen and help if I can. If you want me to help you tell Mum, I can. But if you don't want to do those things, I won't interfere, I promise, it's your problem to share, only if you want to. But I'm here if you need me, and I'd like to help."

Original poster

lastqueenofscotland · 02/08/2015 00:06

I'm not kidding myself. She was on my computer which I literally clicked, screen woke up and was on that email I couldn't have not at least read a line of it without turning on my computer with my eyes shut.

The point IMO here is not that i read this it's that I'm bloody worried about my baby sister getting kicked out of university which she loves?!

OP posts:

PurpleSwift · 02/08/2015 00:06

Keep it to yourself! Absolutely do not speak to your mother about this! It's not your business to share and it seems extremely obvious she doesn't want your mother (or you) to know. Speak to her if you want since you can't change the fact you now know but it is not your place to be sharing this information.

scatterthenuns · 02/08/2015 00:08

Don't go to your mum. She is an adult, and that would be a massive violation.

Tell her you accidentally saw the email, and ask her what help she needs.

WorraLiberty · 02/08/2015 00:10

But you didn't read a line of it did you?

You read her whole private email.

If you think that's ok, why don't you publish your email and password for everyone to nose through?

Don't fancy it? I don't blame you...

I would keep completely quiet if I were you because if you were my sister, I'd have real trouble trusting you again.

If she wants to share her problem with you, I'm sure she will.

NerrSnerr · 02/08/2015 00:11

To answer your question- what would I do? I'd do nothing, it's understandable that you're worried but you have to let her deal with it how she wants. She is an adult and can make her own decisions.

ShadowStar · 02/08/2015 00:16

I wouldn't speak to your mum about this without your sister's permission. That would probably be very damaging to the relationship between you and your sister. If you're going to speak to anyone, then speak to your sister.

I agree it's unlikely she left the e-mail open for you to read. If she'd meant you to read it, she'd have talked to you about it or forwarded it to you.

UrethraFranklin1 · 02/08/2015 00:57

third year...she's 20, 21? She's a grown woman, its not up to you to tell her mammy on her.

musicalbingo · 02/08/2015 01:01

Assuming your mum is sensible/normal/supportive then yes, personally I would go and have a chat with your mum.

The stress and strain of lying will be weighing heavily on your sister I imagine. Your family/mum will also be better placed to help/support her.

There's a real risk she just won't face up to the situation which is no good at all. I went to university with a couple of people that got themselves into real difficulties both emotional and financial - they basically opted out of life/pretended it wasn't happening. Ultimately they had a load of debt/default on their rented accommodation, half a degree and had to try and explain a 18 month time gap to prospective employers once they finally accepted what was going on.

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