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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask WWYD

61 replies

lastqueenofscotland · 01/08/2015 23:24

My sister who is a few years younger than me is going into her third year of university. As far as we (me and my mum are aware) she is doing well, getting 2:i in most things...

she is home for the summer at my mums at the moment and the other week suddenly got very very funny about HAVING to go back very early to do some stuff for her dissertation. Which includes missing out on a nice trip we've done every year and pull as much of the family (now all adults) together.

She to stay at mine for a night this week for a friends birthday (I live in a different town to mum), while she was here she checked her emails on my desktop mac (which i only really use for when I'm working from home as have ipad/iphone for browsing internet/iplayer) so just logged on tonight and she'd left her emails open on one from uni - she has infact not been getting 2:1s at all... and has diabolically failed the year and has to go back early not for some early dissertation cramming but infact to sit additional exams and have an interview about whether she is allowed to continue...

AIBU to mention this to my mother? It's not just that she's failed its that she seems to be on the verge of getting kicked out and has told us she's on track for a 2:1... Those with kids at uni would you want to know?!

OP posts:

musicalbingo · 02/08/2015 01:08

I like LizzieVereker advice better than my own I think it's perhaps a better middle ground.

I still think she is in a bad and stressful situation and doing nothing is probably not the right course of action.

wafflyversatile · 02/08/2015 01:11

Don't tell your mum. Ask your sister if she's ok.

What would be the likely outcome if you told your sister you saw it? She would get defensive? And then what? Would anything change/get better? Do you have a solution for her?

And the outcome if you told your mother? I'm not envisioning anything good/different, tbh.

It seems like your sister has had a kick up the bum, and is going back with the hope of passing the exams and continuing with her course. If she gets kicked off she'll have problems trying to hide that.

If I was her I'd want to be left to sort it out myself. If I got kicked off at that point I'd decide whether to come clean or look for a job sharpish and pretend it was my choice.

badg3r · 02/08/2015 01:36

She needs to be the one to tell your mum, when she is ready. But you need to be really REALLY supportive of her now. She must feel like shit. If it was me I would say that you knew, that you were sorry about reading the message, but that you love her and will do whatever you can. Of course it depends on the dynamic but I would expect her to be angry/upset and very defensive. But she will need all the support she can get.

cleanindahouse · 02/08/2015 07:50

I reckon if she's left the email open on your computer, she wanted you to know.

I'd talk to her.

Spartans · 02/08/2015 08:40

She is a grown woman. You either need to discuss it with her or leave it alone.

You absolutely should not be considering telling your mum.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 02/08/2015 08:44

You should definitely talk to your sister, and let her know you know.

I don't think you should talk to your mother. That is for your sister to do.

Ilovecrapcrafts · 02/08/2015 08:46

No I wouldn't say a thing I remember this being incredibly common when I was at Uni, along with a secret £4k overdraft. She's an adult, let her get on with it

LilyMayViolet · 02/08/2015 08:51

Mmmmm, I think this is difficult. The thing is you do know now whether she meant you to or not. i think I would go with being supportive of her and making sure she knows you are there for her without disclosing anything to anyone else at all.

Poor thing. She's probably really upset and anxious about this. I hope the exams go well for her.

RoganJosh · 02/08/2015 08:53

I wouldn't say anything. I'd give her the chance to sort it out.

maddening · 02/08/2015 08:56

if her mum is supporting her through uni then surely she should be told - but by your sister herself.

unless there is any way your mum would be able to be discreet and say for example that she opened a letter or had a voice message by mistake without bringing you in to it - which would require you not to raise with dsis at all and is still likely to backfire.

EmeraldKitten · 02/08/2015 08:59

So she's what? 21 at least?

She's an adult. If this happened to me any my sister went running straight to our mum with the information I'd be furious.

And her leaving the email old on purpose...are you joking? She's a woman in her twenties not a 12 year old issuing a cry for help.

Talk to HER. Anything else is maddive unreasonable.

EmeraldKitten · 02/08/2015 09:00

Awful typos there sorry.

GahBuggerit · 02/08/2015 09:00

she wont believe for one minute that she left that email open, she will assume she left her account logged in and then you snooped (which is what i think happened fwiw, sorry)

shes an adult, dont grass her up to mummy ffs, ask generally if everythings going ok at uni to give her an opening if she wants to take it but fgs dont say she left the message there, she simply wont believe you imo

Aramynta · 02/08/2015 09:04

You may not feel close to your sister, and until I was in big trouble I wasn't close to mine, either.

It took my sister saying "I am worried about you. I know things aren't going very well. I am here for you and I love you" before I would accept help.

Her calm but firm approach made me realise that she didn't think I was a complete failure but actually, genuinely wanted to help.

ListenWillYou · 02/08/2015 09:06

The email was left open on the OPs computer - she was hardly snooping around in her sisters knicker drawer I'd bet I'd have skim read it before I'd registered that I shouldn't be reading it iykwim

OP, I would tell your sister what happenend and then be as supportive as possible. I'd suggest to her that she tells your Mum although you could even suggest that you could do it for. Having to retake the odd exam isn't the end of the world but 'diabolically failing' the year is another thing all together.

Id want to know if my DC were failing at Uni. They may be adults but, like many parents, we are funding them so I'd want to know if they were struggling. I'd also want to know so that I could support them.

AvonleaAnne · 02/08/2015 09:09

I wouldn't tell your Mum but I would tell your sister that you are worried about her and that she doesn't seem her usual self. Don't let on that you have seen the email. Just give her an opportunity to speak to you. She probably really needs some help and reassurance right now.

If she doesn't tell you then just make it clear to her that you are always there to help her if she needs you. I went through something similar with one of my siblings when we were at uni. Do you think your Mum suspects something?

yorkshapudding · 02/08/2015 09:16

I think you need to tell her that you know (but fully expect her to be furious with you for snooping) and offer her your support rather than going to your Mum behind her back. Tell her that you want to help and let her tell you what she needs from you rather than jumping in with advice unless she asks for it. Then once you've established that she is happy to discuss the issue with you (she may not be and if that's the case then you have no choice but to step back and see how this all plays out) you can very gently broach the subject of telling your Mum. Explain that you think your Mum would want the opportunity to support her through this and that she might feel a weight has been lifted when she doesn't have to lie anymore. Make it clear that while you think telling your Mum is the way to go, you understand that this is HER decision and you won't do anything without her agreement.

LemonySmithit · 02/08/2015 09:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Love51 · 02/08/2015 09:40

Mum may know. I can't be the only person to have told their Mum stuff in confidence. If Mum doesn't know, it is because sis doesn't want her to. If you were in trouble at work would you want a colleague to tell your Mum? Your sis? Your dad? Your nan? Great aunt?

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 02/08/2015 10:05

Do you know EXACTLY what she has to do?

These letters are often quite formal and stressful.

Is sje just resitting some exams (very common), or has she done something much worse?

SpecificOcean · 02/08/2015 10:06

Yabu snooping through your sisters emails. And no, don't tittle tattle to mum.

ohtheholidays · 02/08/2015 10:17

I'd speak to your sister,tell her that it was an accident(reading what was on the screen)say sorry and then ask her if there's anything you can do to help her.

Tell her you'll do whatever you can and that you won't tell anyone else unless she wants you to.

I went through the same with my niece(I have quite a few but were more like mother and daughter than aunt and niece)she was struggling at the end of school and wanted to go onto college,everyone else thought she was flying through her work but I knew different(she was living with me at the time)I started going though her work every night with her and I explaned things in a way she would understand.

She passed all her exams and went onto college,she struggled with her college work sometimes so myself and her bestfriend helped her to understand and get her work completed.

She got through all her exams and went onto uni,she sailed through uni all on her own and has gone onto have an amazing career.

ListenWillYou · 02/08/2015 10:24

How was the OP snooping? . She opened her OWN computer and the email was there in front of her. There was no reason for her to expect her sisters private email to be there and it must have taken a few moment to realise what it was. I'm sure I would have scanned the email before realising what it was.

Snooping is something completely different.

Posters who claim to just know that the OP was snooping are being a bit imaginative.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable · 02/08/2015 20:31

No, do not speak to your mum.

Tell your sister you read her email. Apologise. Promise not to blab her secrets. Tell her you love her. Ask if you can help.

CrapBag · 02/08/2015 21:11

You should speak to your sister and ask her what she wants to do. Then you can say that if she would prefer, you can speak to your mum first if she feels that she cannot say it or approach her.

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