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AIBU?

A wedding one

60 replies

Anaffaquine · 30/07/2015 09:14

This is the situation. Eldest dd has been asked to be a flowergirl at my cousin's wedding. I realise they are tight for numbers but my younger dd hasn't been invited at all.
I haven't said anything but I do think it is odd to not invite one whilst including the other in the bridal party. My eldest can be a bit of a diva, the younger one is more reliable to be be well behaved so it isn't that they think she will be a nightmare. As, it seems, dd1 is going to be the only child, I also worry she will get fed up. If her sister was there they could play together and would be company for each other.
I have no issue with one being a flowergirl and one not but to not invite her at all seems unfair.
I realise that this being AIBU some will say I am wrong to question this at all- who they invite is their business but this is going to cause upset in my family. Older one has been looking forward to being a flowergirl for over a year. Younger one was looking forward to the party too.

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PatriciaHolm · 30/07/2015 11:09

A quick search of OPs previous posts would suggest DDs are 4 and 1. In which case the baby isn't going to have been looking forward to the party, surely? Unless there is another older DD as the bridesmaid?

I guess the bride assumed that the baby wouldn't get anything out of the wedding and her presence would rile all the other parents whose children hadn't been invited. It does seem very odd to have invited one but not the other - the bridesmaid has essentially been invited to look pretty in photos, not because the families are very close, it would appear.

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firesidechat · 30/07/2015 11:12

It's not very well thought out and very rude. Ok to have a child because they will look so cute in the photos, but all other children are obviously a pain in the bum and banned.

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Gottagetmoving · 30/07/2015 11:18

I don't think its odd.
If you object to your youngest DD not going then explain none of you can go. That's all you can do because you can't dictate to someone how they organise their wedding.
Its not up to them to make sure it goes the way you prefer.
I doubt your youngest DD will suffer from not going but you could mention that you have no one to look after her so unfortunately you and your oldest DD cannot go now.

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NoSOHisadealbreaker · 30/07/2015 13:08

Its not up to them to make sure it goes the way you prefer.

Maybe not, and of course it is their wedding, but surely this is beyond thoughtless, and is putting the OP and her DH is a very tricky position. The elder girl is already excited about being a flower girl. If it weren't for this I would agree with a pp who said, why don't they just get a child actor to be the flower girl since the actual people seem to be of no matter at all to the bridge and groom.

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NoSOHisadealbreaker · 30/07/2015 13:09

to the bride and groom obvs. I am not a troll honest

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NoSOHisadealbreaker · 30/07/2015 13:10

Dolores have just re-read your post and I think you may well be making a very fair point. So I likewise retract some of my harsher statements.

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nottheOP · 30/07/2015 13:14

YANBU with whatever you do, the bride has put you in such an awkward situation. I'd have one parent go to the wedding with the flower girl and another parent take the other child on a really nice day out of her choosing (if possible).

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EWAB · 30/07/2015 13:46

I think it will be really unfair to stop the elder one from having her day in the spotlight. If the younger one is under 3 she won't have an opinion. If you stop the older one she will hate and resent her sister(unfairly).

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TheRealAmyLee · 30/07/2015 13:48

Personally I would politely decline the flowergirl as I would feel it unfair to my other child. I would then either not attend or attend without either child.

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TheRealAmyLee · 30/07/2015 13:49

If both kids could attend the wedding one being a flowergirl wouldn't bother me it's then fact one child is centre of attention/in photos etc and the other one is entirely excluded.

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runlulurun · 30/07/2015 13:59

I think if you accepted over a year ago, it would be a bit off to now say that you won't because your youngest DD isn't invited. If your youngest DD is one, then she really won't know. Was DD2 very small (a few months?) when the invitation was issued? If you didn't forsee a problem when you accepted it, then can't really blame to the bride for not forseeing it.

Or is it the case that you were asked about the flower girl bit a year ago, but have only just received the invitation for the wedding so it's been revealed that you are expected to leave DD2 at home?

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Happy36 · 30/07/2015 14:28

Could you ask them if your DD2 can be a flowergirl too? Offer to pay for her dress, etc.

Or ask if she can attend?

Or, after the ceremony, take your DD1 to whoever is looking after DD2 so that they can be together? Then organise a nice day out for them with you afterwards, to a theme park or whatever they like.

I think the bride and groom have been entirely unreasonable here, not to mention thoughtless. I hope it can be resolved happily.

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girlywhirly · 30/07/2015 14:35

If the wedding will be a fairly short journey away, you could offer for DD1 to be flower girl at the ceremony and for the photos, and then leave. This would mean you saw your cousin get married, but also DD1 would have her moment in a pretty dress and you wouldn't have to worry about childcare for DD2. If you have to travel a long distance and/or stay overnight they can forget it, neither you or DH will be sitting in a hotel room with DD2 because she wasn't invited.

Child free weddings are a real pain for those needing childcare for a much younger child if they are not included in the wedding party. It might have been an oversight on the brides behalf, not including DD2, or she might just assume that you can magic a babysitter. Easier said than done when those you could have asked will probably be at the wedding themselves.

You need to talk to the bride asap and point out the difficulty so that you know where you are. If they are tight for numbers you could offer to pay for DD2's reception meal yourself, because they are often expensive.

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Gottagetmoving · 30/07/2015 15:23

The only problem is the OP thinks it is not fair. Sometimes in life, we can't have things our way, as adults or as children.
Its a big day for the Bride & Groom and they can't have a no child policy for guests but then invite the sister of the flowergirl,..then they will have everyone complaining.
The oldest DD has a role in the wedding,.. so the decision has to be for the OP whether she allows her DDto fulfil this role or withdraw her because she wants her youngest DD to be invited too.

I can understand why some people decide a big wedding is not worth the bother because you have to juggle the wants and demands of all the guests.
The wedding is not about OPs immediate family,..its about the Bride & Groom.

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EWAB · 30/07/2015 15:28

Please don't compromise your elder daughter's day. It would be unfair. And there would be repercussions in how she feels about you and her sister. How unreasonable you are depends on how young younger daughter is.

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MrsJorahMormont · 30/07/2015 15:37

Someone up thread did some sleuthing and says your DC are 4 and 1? If that's true then I wouldn't worry too much about the 1 year old's feelings!

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goodnessgraciousgouda · 30/07/2015 15:39

I think it's just a case of the bride not really thinking things through that well.

Just be honest. Tell her that you aren't happy for your oldest to attend when she'll be the only child there (as she will no doubt get bored with only adults about), and it's not very fair on your youngest for them to be left out.

Then just go with you and your partner - presuming you have time to source child care.

If the wedding is like.....next week, then I think you would be unreasonable to pull out entirely now, but perhaps you can figure out a compromise.

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ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/07/2015 15:40

If the older girl is four she'll forget. And probably be bored on the day. I think the bride is a twonk for randomly deciding she needs a flower girl. If you're Having a child free day be consistent, have adult bridesmaids and forgo the pretty pictures.

Somebody has said its the bride and groom's day. Perhaps they'd do well to remember that the entire day is actually about the half an hour or so they spend with the legal representative that forges their marriage contract, not the gubbins that goes around it.

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Gottagetmoving · 30/07/2015 15:44

Perhaps they'd do well to remember that the entire day is actually about the half an hour or so they spend with the legal representative that forges their marriage contract, not the gubbins that goes around it

The 'Gubbins' that goes around it IS about their choices,..unless the guests all want to chip in and pay for it?

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Jen1610 · 30/07/2015 15:51

If the girls are four and one and the eldest was asked a year ago then they wouldnt ask a not born or weeks/month old baby?

The one year old won't even know whats going on. Personally in that case I'd go and enjoy the day. Get the youngest baby sat and have a nice day and get your eldest picked up either after the meal or couple hours in to the reception or you go home too with her.

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LifeIsBetterInFlipFlops · 30/07/2015 15:53

If the younger one is only a year old, she may not have even been born when the elder one was asked to be a flower girl. Having a baby in the meantime does put a different slant on the situation.

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TheOddity · 30/07/2015 16:04

Awkward! Bit of a logistical nightmare for you whatever you do if you wanted to fulfil the bride's request.

Either leave a 1 year old at home for the day and entertain a four year old through the reception with not other children (very yawn for her)

Or find a way to not only get your 1 year old to be looked after, but also find a way to magically transport your dd home after the main ceremony/photo opportunity.

I know it is the bride and groom's day but I do think they have to take some consideration for their guests' comfort and ease of access to the ceremony.

I would explain your dilemma and ask to take both. Worst they can do is say no, then you have a legitimate reason to tell your dd...I.e. Children are now not being included in the wedding and she will be bored with no one to play with.

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TheOddity · 30/07/2015 16:06

And if it is so much the bride and groom's special day and they can invite who they like, then surely they can invite two children if they like if circumstances mean it makes sense.

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Jen1610 · 30/07/2015 16:13

A wedding would be very boring for a one year old. Having to sit quietly through the ceremony then the meals and speaches. Not only that but not very fun for the parents. I prefer to leave my kids with a babysitter unless it's a family wedding that other kids they can play with will be at.

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Anaffaquine · 30/07/2015 16:22

Thank you for replies. Little one was tiny when they got engaged and big one was asked. They will be nearer 5&2 for the wedding.
My perspective gets warped as dh's family (nothing to do with the bride and groom) very much have dd1 as the golden child and ignore dd2.
I couldn't make up my l think this plays on my mind and Distorts things.
Dd1 is looking forward to having her sister there and as we are trying to go no contact with dh's family trying to source a babysitter for an overnight stay when all my side of the family are at the wedding will be difficult.
I didn't realise when dd1 was asked that dd2 wouldn't be invited or in fact that she was the only child to be included altogether. It didn't enter my mind that it would be the case or I might have politely declined the offer. Dd1 will get bored and quite possibly stroppy with only adult company.
I will contact the bride and explain dd1 and I will come but Dh will stay home with dd2. I can't think of another solution.

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