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60 replies

Anaffaquine · 30/07/2015 09:14

This is the situation. Eldest dd has been asked to be a flowergirl at my cousin's wedding. I realise they are tight for numbers but my younger dd hasn't been invited at all.
I haven't said anything but I do think it is odd to not invite one whilst including the other in the bridal party. My eldest can be a bit of a diva, the younger one is more reliable to be be well behaved so it isn't that they think she will be a nightmare. As, it seems, dd1 is going to be the only child, I also worry she will get fed up. If her sister was there they could play together and would be company for each other.
I have no issue with one being a flowergirl and one not but to not invite her at all seems unfair.
I realise that this being AIBU some will say I am wrong to question this at all- who they invite is their business but this is going to cause upset in my family. Older one has been looking forward to being a flowergirl for over a year. Younger one was looking forward to the party too.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2015 09:19

Are they inviting any children? I'm guessing that they aren't and are only including the bridal party kids.

I can see why you're annoyed. Is there a grandparent or soneone who could take your youngest on a special day out somewhere on the day of the wedding?

summerainbow · 30/07/2015 09:21

Don't go ...
Or go
Just for the flower girl bit

Anaffaquine · 30/07/2015 09:22

No other children at all. I wish they hadn't asked dd1 to be a flowergirl. It would have been easier.

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 30/07/2015 09:23

What an odd bride. Surely hiring a child actress for the part would have been easier, less drama and she could choose the nice photogenic child to match the frocks without splitting a family up for a day.


Mrsjayy · 30/07/2015 09:23

Urgh how awkward for you i know its their wedding blah blah but its a bit off to invite a family and leave a child out . I would probably say something to them her sister is flowergirl all her family should be invited imo.

Janeymoo50 · 30/07/2015 09:27

I think it's mean, very mean.

Mrsjayy · 30/07/2015 09:28

Yeah its mean

FiveGoMadInDorset · 30/07/2015 09:30

This happened with us, DS was page boy, dd not invited, we got DS picked up after speeches and we stayed. Dd wasn't bothered

MidniteScribbler · 30/07/2015 09:31

I'd probably just decline your eldest being a flowergirl, and then either just decline the invitation altogether, or attend in a child free capacity if you have available childcare.

Szeli · 30/07/2015 09:43

Came on to say what Midnite said;

Either non of you go or just you and DH go. Surely she has a friend with an only child to have instead?

Cocolepew · 30/07/2015 09:45

I think its mean.
How awkward.

EatDessertFirst · 30/07/2015 09:48

I would decline the offer for DD to be in the bridal party. Its a bit mean to include one and not the other IMO.

Enjoy a childfree day if you are able to source childcare or don't go at all.

Crumpet1 · 30/07/2015 09:48

Yanbu. I'm guessing she doesn't have children or siblings?
Tbh unless both of my kids could go then I wouldn't be going, it's not worth the arguments.

rosy71 · 30/07/2015 09:49

Are you sure your youngest hasn't been invited? Perhaps she's meant to be included with you but just isn't personally mentioned iyswim.

DoloresLandingham · 30/07/2015 09:49

She's trying to have her cake and eat it; she wants a child-free wedding but with a cute little girl for a brief 'ahhhh' moment in the ceremony and for some pictures. She is probably hoping that your dilemma will lead you to bring your DD1 only for the ceremony and then take her away in the spirit of being fair to both of your DDs.

Minicaters · 30/07/2015 09:56

How old are they?

You are absolutely between a rock and a hard place. I wouldn't normally say this but I would be tempted to check that they meant to make one a flower girl and leave the other off the list completely, as that's, ahem, unusual.

I think your options are to decline the flowergirl on the basis that it's showing too much favouritism to one child, or one of you takes the flowergirl to the wedding while the other takes DD2 to Legoland that day or something. Unless DD2 is age 3 or under and too young to really understand, or you have childcare for her and can convince her that staying with granny or whoever is a really special treat. Could babysitters take her to the theatre or something?

TheVeryThing · 30/07/2015 09:57

I have no issue with not inviting children to weddings but this seems very mean-spirited.

To be honest, I can't imagine asking one little girl to be a flower girl and not asking her sister as well, let alone excluding her from the day entirely.

I think I would probably decline the invite for your elder dd - does she know about it?

LatinForTelly · 30/07/2015 10:00

You're not being unreasonable. How well do you get on with your cousin? Could you just explain the situation and ask if your other daughter could come too?

Otherwise I'd go with flowergirl-DD, just for the service and early part of reception and let my partner/DH do something fun with DD2.

Fwiw, I had only one of three siblings as a flowergirl for my wedding and I worried about the other two feeling left out. But they were, of course, invited and part of the day in general.

SouthWestmom · 30/07/2015 10:01

Hi old are the children though? If the flower girl is six and the younger one is 18months for example that's much less crazy.

Minicaters · 30/07/2015 10:15

Actually pulling the only flowergirl out when she's been in the plans for a year would cause loads of family strife wouldn't it? Not sure I could do it. But depending on the age of DD2 I would spoil her rotten, and if it could be done including a grandparent or wider family in some way to reinforce that her extended family loves her too, so much the better.

Hoppinggreen · 30/07/2015 10:17

My DD was flower girl at a child free wedding for a close friend of mine.
It was a posh media types London do and bride didn't have children but is quite close to DD. I also have a DS but bride doesn't know him as well as she moved to London before he was born. Bride is asked to me about my t beforehand and I didn't have a problem with it. DH and DS occupied themselves during the day and came for the evening do.
Dd had an absolutely fabulous time, as did the rest of us. I agree that it might have been harder if DS was a girl as well or had been old enough to understand what was going on ( he was 4).
It's up to you op really, if you don't want to go then don't

AliceAlice1979 · 30/07/2015 10:30

How old are the girls op?

eggyface · 30/07/2015 10:58

I hate this stuff about children not coming. kids of friends is one thing but people shouldn't exclude family children at all imo. don't get it at all.

Fatmomma99 · 30/07/2015 11:04

How horrible and, yes, mean. Agree it sounds like the cousin doesn't have children of her own.

But if DD1 has been looking forward to it for over a year, you can't really not do it, can you. Difficult!

DoloresLandingham · 30/07/2015 11:07

I was quite harsh on the bride upthread (suggesting that she wanted a child-free wedding with a cute kid for a photo opp) but there is a more charitable interpretation: perhaps, having made the flower girl offer over a year ago, she has since decided on a child-free wedding and (quite rightly) doesn't feel that she can renege on the flower girl arrangement.

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