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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Intimidating behaviour by other parent to DS

83 replies

Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 04:44

Looking for help. DS is 7, and was changing after Swimming Lessons. There are two sisters, same age. he knows well from school (he's moving schools shortly), also in the same swimming lesson, they often talk and lark around with him. This time they were in adjacent cubicles. Wife leaves him to deal with younger DS outside, she left him mostly dressed just finishing off. I arrive outside.

We hear a commotion after several minutes to discover a scared son, and angry other dad.

According to son - who I believe - the girls wouldn't let him concentrate on finishing getting changed so he tried to get them to stop talking at him - getting nowhere he tried to carry the conversation further by looking under/over the cubicle wall. The Dad walked in on this and erupted. According to witnesses he intimidated my son - who we later discovered wet his trousers - unfortunately we found out too late to stop this intimidation. My son has a happy and innocent nature, making friends with other children easily.

The dad is African and comes across as very strict - unlike other parents his body language is unapproachable and unfriendly since starting the class - and staff confided in us they have had other problems with him. He gives the impression he doesn't want to be there.

It wasn't possible to have a reasoned conversation parent-parent with this man, who clearly was suggesting my son was a voyeur. Not sure what to do next? - there is a 4 week break before the next class - I will be in the changing room next time without doubt

Any ideas on what to do next? Many thanks for anything...

OP posts:

HagOtheNorth · 30/07/2015 08:59

Report him for telling off a child who was messing around? Whom he felt was crossing boundaries with his daughters and who had no visible adult supervising him?
He didn't touch the boy, OP made no mention of him being threatened, just that the man was closer than the child was comfortable with and cross with him.
Perhaps the father should have reported the boy for voyeurism and got him banned?
Is it really necessary to escalate this to a ridiculous level?

youarekiddingme · 30/07/2015 09:04

I must live in some parallel universe to most people but at 7yo my DS and friends girls would all ask to go in family room together to piss about get changed after swimming.
We obviously said they should get changed separately and could play after in park together but seriously they had innocence re nudity at that age. I wouldn't have/ did not shock me to find some children that age looking over and under cubicles.

We just use to say it wasn't appropriate and they couldn't know the person wouldn't mind so not to do it.

What I'd want to know is if the girls were laughing and encouraging him (girls that age are shrieky and hysterical) or they were shouting at him to stop it and feeling uncomfortable.

Your DS does need to know what he did is not ok and past the boundaries of acceptable behaviour but for a grown man to react that way in the face of a child is IMO far more unacceptable. He knew what he was doing was wrong.

HamishBamish · 30/07/2015 09:08

Yes, I would report him Hag. He was aggressive and intimidating towards a child, which is not on.

SanityClause · 30/07/2015 09:09

Yes, HSM, but this father may come from a culture where it's deemed more acceptable to reprimand another person's child.

My take on the whole thing? The children were messing about, and got in more trouble than they bargained for.

It is inappropriate for a 7yo to look over and under cubicle doors, and if he wasn't clear on that before, he will be now.

The father was scary, but in effect, he was just telling off the child for doing something he shouldn't have done in the first place. If he'd hit him, that would obviously be a different matter. But he didn't.

I think Pete and her DH will be able to discuss this with their DS, without making it into a bigger thing than it actually is.

candlesandlight · 30/07/2015 09:15

The culture of the man is totally irrelevant . He doesn't get a free pass to behave in an aggressive way just because he is not from the uk.

Original poster

Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 09:15

Thanks for replies - logging off for a bit ..

OP posts:

VashtaNerada · 30/07/2015 09:27

Wow that dad was a dick! DD is seven and often peers under the cubicle to chat to friends. I tell her not to but I certainly don't assume she's some kind of sexual predator! Sounds like the dad is projecting his own issues on a seven year old. Seven. FFS. Even if he was staring at them naked I would just have a quiet word about the importance of privacy, not shout. Bloody hell.

Floggingmolly · 30/07/2015 09:30

How would "continuing the conversation under the door" help with getting them to stop talking?? And why did they have to?

charlestonchaplin · 30/07/2015 09:48

I think some of you are missing the point that it is inappropriate for a seven year old to look under a changing room door regardless of his reasons for doing so. I think most of us accept it was just childish curiosity/messing about, but that doesn't make it acceptable.

It doesn't take much for some young children to get upset and I disagree that the fact that boy wet himself is a measure of the severity of the telling off. His face was inches from the little boy's? Or perhaps he was getting down to the boy's level to make his point. Who knows, none of us was there, not even the person relating the story. The man was undoubtedly stern, probably sterner than the typical British child is used to, but it doesn't necessarily equate to intended intimidation, though I have no doubt felt intimidated. Then again, it's not difficult to intimidate some children, especially when they're getting a telling off in a way they aren't used to, from a strange man.

I get the feeling some of you feel if the boy was a teen or preteen then it would be okay for the man to let rip because then we could deduce 'pervy' behaviour.

Kikimoon · 30/07/2015 10:01

My dd had three boys look over and under the cubicle while she was getting changed at school swimming class. She was most annoyed, her friend has been so upset that she's started worrying about going to the swimming class at the start of the week.

One of these boys has also asked dd if she has lots of sex, another repeatedly tries to kiss and lick girls in the class, another has put his hands to his crotch and made some comment about it to dd. Another boy in the class has just shown his penis to one of the girls. One has sn, the others don't (though they have a lot of behaviour issues)

They are 8.

So not that U for the dad to react and think the worst. I feel sad for your ds, but would just be reassuring him that he is a lovely boy and that he mustn't do that (am sure he won't after that). I would also tell the mum the situation but say you've told him not to do it again.

SideOrderofChips · 30/07/2015 10:15

I think OP that you ahve already made up your mind that the dad was in the wrong and are not going to accept that your son was also in the wrong.

My eldest DD is 8.5. She is just started to get more body concious as in she doesn't want to get changed in front of boys and wants to be more private.

If your DS had been peeping over the wall of the cubicle she would have got upset that he wasn't respecting her personal space and her dad would have probably been very cross that your DS was upsetting her.

But like i said, you seem to be adament that your DS can do no wrong, that it wasn't his fault it was everyone elses so i don't know why you even bothered asking on AIBU

SideOrderofChips · 30/07/2015 10:16

And who said that the dads face was close to your DS? Or that everyone in the changing room looks uncomfortable etc. As you werent in there.

tictactoad · 30/07/2015 10:28

Your son is spinning you a line regarding the reason he was looking into the girl's cubicle. He shouldn't have been doing it and he knows that hence the whitewash.

The other dad may have been OTT or he may not. Nobody was there to see. Two of you were on the premises. Next time just make sure one or other of you is with him. Job done.

Stanky · 30/07/2015 10:32

Boys and girls should get changed in separate areas, then this can all be avoided.

DeeWe · 30/07/2015 10:35

I don't quite understand your ds' reasoning.

The girls wouldn't stop talking, so he couldn't get dressed? Having supervised reception swimming changing, they don't stop talking to change.
So to carry the conversation on he stared looking over /under the door. Hang on? I thought he wanted them to stop?

That doesn't really add up.

grannytomine · 30/07/2015 10:35

I think 7 year olds need supervising in changing rooms. They can be silly and it can be annoying to other people. Obviously his reaction was OTT but it must have looked very inappropriate to him.

Charley50 · 30/07/2015 10:38

I don't think this man should have shouted in your DS face, whatever he perceived him to have done.
Unacceptable. I would reassure son and would stay with him in the changing room in future.

Fromparistoberlin73 · 30/07/2015 10:39

I think you need to let it go OP

really- let it go

I had a similar with my DS in the ladies loos- I decided to NOT get offended and let is pass

just tell him some grown up are wankers (maybe re-phrase) and let him know you have his back-

youarekiddingme · 30/07/2015 10:57

One thing is teach my DS which may be relevant here is "you cannot control other people's behaviour, you cannot control other people's reactions - you have complete control over yiur actions though".

Eg - other children being annoying/ behaving inappropriately is not something he can change (which I suspect the girls were)
- he cannot do anything but accept that this man reacted the way he did to his behaviour (even if it was intimidating and OTT)
- what he can do though is control his actions. (Get dressed away from them, take his shoes and socks somewhere else to put them on)

I do not believe the story that your son was being distracted by these girls talking. What I do believe is that he believed his and their behaviour to be innocent (which it probably was albeit inappropriate) and he's lying to cover up his part due to the reaction of this man - he's equating his behaviour as a serious crime and trying to downplay it.

Shakey1500 · 30/07/2015 11:04

The father went way OTT in my opinion. Your poor lad.

I would explain that yes, peering under isn't completely inappropriate but I'd also really stress that the father was wrong to address it as he did. Your son needs to know you're on his side, that will go a long way for him.

Hope he's ok.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2015 11:13

Those of you who don't see how being talked to would distract a 7yo boy - well it would distract mine, that's for sure. He can't seem to manage continuing to get dressed while he's listening, or talking, or thinking up an answer - one thing has to stop while he does the other. Honestly. So it might be that the OP's son has similar "issues" as mine - just can't concentrate on more than one thing at once.

Glad your son doesn't seem to be the worse for wear, OP - that would have scared me too! It's really aggressive, getting in someone's face like that :(

Original poster

Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 11:17

Thanks for the recent posts. Sideorderofchips - other parents witnessed it, and my son told me. The lesson absolutely for my son is to understand the boundaries of cubicles etc so yes there is lots for him to learn. He's just turned 7 and still sunbathes in the garden in the nude with his 2 year old brother - and why not - you're only young and innocent once..... :)

Kikimoon - scary isn't it? behaviour like that and just 8. Clearly it all starts kicking off around that age. We didn't realise we would have to broach these topics for a few years yet - so our lesson is to do this over the summer holidays i.e. sex education type conversations..

cheers

OP posts:

zavi00000 · 30/07/2015 11:18

At seven years of age your son's far too young to be left alone in a changing area for several minutes.

I agree with Deewe: Your son's explanation for his behaviour doesn't add up at all and if it doesn't add up it probably isn't true!

A similar thing happened to me when I was a child and I can never shake off the feeling of being watched now. Ridiculous I know but there you have it.

If an apology for your son's behaviour hasn't already been made one is due. Your son should also apologise directly to the girls too so that HE understands that his behaviour was wrong, and caused real upset to this other family - and hopefully the kids can stay friends, even if they are moving on to different schools.

Original poster

Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 11:18

Thanks Thumbwitchesabroad... :)

OP posts:

CumberCookie · 30/07/2015 11:21

I would leave it tbh. Your son is old enough now to start to understand that some things are inappropriate and that no all adults are as nice and understanding as you.
I think this is just a life lesson.

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