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Original poster

Intimidating behaviour by other parent to DS

83 replies

Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 04:44

Looking for help. DS is 7, and was changing after Swimming Lessons. There are two sisters, same age. he knows well from school (he's moving schools shortly), also in the same swimming lesson, they often talk and lark around with him. This time they were in adjacent cubicles. Wife leaves him to deal with younger DS outside, she left him mostly dressed just finishing off. I arrive outside.

We hear a commotion after several minutes to discover a scared son, and angry other dad.

According to son - who I believe - the girls wouldn't let him concentrate on finishing getting changed so he tried to get them to stop talking at him - getting nowhere he tried to carry the conversation further by looking under/over the cubicle wall. The Dad walked in on this and erupted. According to witnesses he intimidated my son - who we later discovered wet his trousers - unfortunately we found out too late to stop this intimidation. My son has a happy and innocent nature, making friends with other children easily.

The dad is African and comes across as very strict - unlike other parents his body language is unapproachable and unfriendly since starting the class - and staff confided in us they have had other problems with him. He gives the impression he doesn't want to be there.

It wasn't possible to have a reasoned conversation parent-parent with this man, who clearly was suggesting my son was a voyeur. Not sure what to do next? - there is a 4 week break before the next class - I will be in the changing room next time without doubt

Any ideas on what to do next? Many thanks for anything...

OP posts:
LilyMayViolet · 30/07/2015 07:39

Yep HagOfTheNorth, DW is Nigerian! Smile

HagOtheNorth · 30/07/2015 07:41

Dad couldn't speak to a parent, both were outside the changing rooms.
He saw a boy messing around, peering over and under at his daughters getting changed and blew his top.
Sounds like a typical MNetter TBH.
Was the fact that he was black, male and unfamiliar to your son a large part of his fear?
Would he have been scared if a while female had told him to stop, or would he have said "It's only a joke?'

SanityClause · 30/07/2015 07:43

I don't think you need to go too deeply into it with your DS.

Explain that changing cubicles are private areas for people to get changed in, so it's rude to try to see over and under doors. You can explain you know he wasn't trying to be unkind, but was just messing around with his friends. However, he shouldn't do it in future, because other people might see it as rude, as the father did on this occasion.

Explain that the father is from a culture where parents are stricter toward their children than many people born in the UK, so although it seemed very frightening to your DS, this is just the father's way.

And I would keep away from the family during changing times, in future. He can play with his friends when swimming, but go to a different place to get changed in, to avoid conflict with the father.

HagOtheNorth · 30/07/2015 07:44

'while ' white

I'm in no way or part suggesting that your son was a voyeur, or doing anything other than being silly BTW.

Longtalljosie · 30/07/2015 07:50

I would approach the dad and say next time there is a problem, he should approach you. And I'd also say he shouldn't put a grownup spin on what happened, because your DS is very innocent about this sort of thing. Look him straight in the eye. It doesn't matter that some other 7 year olds are more worldly - yours isn't.

Original poster
Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 07:52

Thanks for more replies. Most posts I agree with, and SanityClause represents best how we currently think/feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 07:55

Longtalljosie - this is also how we feel - but we feel it's best to stay away from him and his children - at the risk of igniting things - he didn't give us any encouragement that we could have ANY sort of conversation - and we don't want to show our son adults arguing instead of talking things through..

OP posts:
Original poster
Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 08:00

Hagofthenorth - no offence taken. I'm told his face was inches from my 7 year old sons. Everyone in the changing room was scared. So I would say his behaviour was the issue not being a "black unfamiliar male".

OP posts:
candlesandlight · 30/07/2015 08:03

The father was totally out of order and I would make sure I was in the changing room in future. The 3 children were probably all messing about, I doubt the girls were totally innocent in this.their father was wrong to assume it was all your sons fault.I think you were right to speak to the staff and make them aware of this man's behaviour, I would expect them to speak to him.
Hope your son is ok.

SavoyCabbage · 30/07/2015 08:08

Are the girls both seven?

I don't see how the girls were popping your ds getting changed.

I don't know what my dh would have done if he saw a boy's head 'looking over/under the changing room wall'. I would have shouted at him as I know that it would have made my dd's uncomfortable. Just because your ds would feel perfectly fine having people watch him change, doesn't mean that everybody feels the same way.

As to whether you should have a reasoned conversation with him next lesson. Yes, maybe you should. Apologise for your son and tell the father that you have made it clear to your son that me mustn't do that.

SisterMoonshine · 30/07/2015 08:18

Ah, the stress of the changing rooms after swimming lessons. I bet those girls were in squealing hysterics when the boy was looking over/under. And he will have been having fun getting a reaction out of them. The dad will have been also very cross that the girls were hardly ready.
Tell your DS that man is particularly grumpy, rather than too much into nudity etc

Original poster
Petetheplumber · 30/07/2015 08:22

Thank you candlesandlight. And SisterMoonshine - this is exactly how I feel things went ....

OP posts:
Caryam · 30/07/2015 08:26

I think most of you are minimising this. The fathers aggressive behaviour was wrong.
But many 7 year old girls would be upset at a boy peeping at them getting dressed. And I am taken aback at those who have decided the girls encouraged him, when there is no evidence at all of this.
7 years old is an age when children get curious about the opposite sex bodies. Voyeur is adult behaviour. But deliberately wanting to look at a girls body is 7 year old behaviour, and I think you are being naive here.

Griphook · 30/07/2015 08:27

I think they were probably all messing about after swimming as children often do, and the dad saw the tail end of the situation.

Make sure you're there next time but make sure you are ready to meet this grown man bully straight on and tell your son to keep away from the girls too.

Griphook · 30/07/2015 08:34

caryam read the op, there plenty there's to suggest they were all messing around, "they often talk and lark about" rather than believe a seven year old boy account of the situation you are making him put to be some kind of voyer.

I think you're minimising the adults behaviour

HSMMaCM · 30/07/2015 08:35

If DH had seen a boy looking under DD's changing room, he would have been angry, but he would have found the boy's parent and complained to them, not frightened the boy.

Griphook · 30/07/2015 08:40

If DH had seen a boy looking under DD's changing room, he would have been angry, but he would have found the boy's parent and complained to them, not frightened the boy.

And that's what should have happened and both girls and boys can be responsible and explain their behaviour rather than the assumptions

Caryam · 30/07/2015 08:43

And I would have spoken to the boy myself. But then I don't understand this idea that no unrelated adult is supposed to speak to a child directly when their behaviour is poor.

candlesandlight · 30/07/2015 08:50

It is not acceptable for an unrelated adult to speak to a child if they do it in an aggressive and bullying way.we are talking about a 7 yr old boy not a cocky teenager.I am sure the mear presence of an adult appearing would have stopped the silliness, and that what it sounds like, kids being silly and playing.

Caryam · 30/07/2015 08:52

The aggressive behaviour of that man was not okay. Speaking to a child and saying it is not okay to look under the cubicle at girls getting changed, is perfectly okay. And I would have said this to the boy myself.

Griphook · 30/07/2015 08:53

caryam but he didn't speak to him, he put his face inches from his face and made a 7 year old wet them selves. That's not the same as speaking to a child about bad behavior that is the behaviour of a bully.

Caryam · 30/07/2015 08:54

Agreed, but I am disagreeing with those who say an adult should never speak to a child about their bad behaviour.

HamishBamish · 30/07/2015 08:55

YANBU. Report him to the company who runs the swimming classes. The idea that a 7 yo boy would be looking under the door in an inappropriate manner is preposterous.

Griphook · 30/07/2015 08:55

caryam and would you have bothered to fine out if it was high jinx and they were all larking about, or just assume the boy was perving simply because he was a boy.

Would you have asked the girls if they felt like they were being looked at? Asked them if they were messing about, what had gone on before. Or just told him off.

candlesandlight · 30/07/2015 08:58

Bad behaviour, sounds like the were all playing , with no evil or sinister intent.the only bad thing the 3 kids did was not change quickly enough , it all brings back horrendous memories of trying to get children changed in overcrowded changing rooms after swimming lessons.