Entirely my own fault but AIBU to be upset?

[ChunkyStory]

I looked at the texts on my dh phone and found one from his brother which made a snide remark:
DB: I bet Chunkystory had five courses at the meal
DH: Close, she had three plus the coffee and chocolate.
It was an aside in a text conversation about going to a football match and then a meal out.
I have recently put on A LOT of weight (three stone). I have always had food issues and I am very overweight. It's my own doing and is a result of loving food and not exercise, however I think it's fair to say that I am practically enslaved to our family with no time for me to pursue my own interests/exercise. Ironically, today is the beginning of trying to get hold of myself and make changes and then I found this.
The most upsetting thing is that my dh effectively 'joined in'. He could have ignored it but he didn't. I know I am being unreasonable for snooping but he is always on his phone and very uncommunicative so I took a chance to check.

Your DH saying that about you is horrible! Really disloyal.

Then again checking someone else's texts isn't very nice either!

"He very very rarely asks me anything about myself I once counted nine months when he didn't once ask after me and yes I am petty enough to count."

This stands out to me more than the snooping or a mean joke with his brother. Why would you want to be with anyone who didn't ask after you for NINE MONTHS? If my DP didn't ask me how I was feeling at least daily, I would think it strange. I mean, most of us ask after total strangers on a daily basis.

I'm sorry but if I share your bodily fluids then I expect to be able to share your phone and email. My DH knows and accepts this and vice versa. I do not see this as snooping but also don't judge others who have different attitudes and relationships.

You are at where you are at but what exactly is it you feel hurt by, is it your own weight gain that you are feeling sensitive about or the fact that your dh commented with his brother? The two are not necessarily connected.

My DH will joke about how I can inhale a packet of M&M's, loved it when I had muffin tops and cuddly arms - I hated it so have lost weight. Took me 2 years to get where I wanted to be and able to maintain it and whilst I am now happy my dh preferred me a bit bigger. So if your DH is happy about you and your weight he probably didn't take it as an offence comment and was just joking along. It could be you seeing it as more because you are unhappy.

I have a friend who's ex berated her weight after their first child and constantly put her down - 5 years on she is super fit, retrained as personal trainer and dumped her dh and has very happily moved on to pastures new.

Significantly changing your appearance without at least a discussion with your partner is unfair. Digging through his private conversations and then sharing them on a public forum is unfair. Not offering him an opportunity to explain (or tell you to butt out) is unfair.

You are repeatedly acting unreasonably here. Be honest with him. About everything. About your weight, about his messages, about your snooping, about his non-attentiveness. Talk to your partner, it's the only possible right thing to do.

cactus the line is when the alcohol or overeating is causing a person to be unhappy or unhealthy - when it's having a negative impact on their life.

Overindulging is just having a big weekend or something and then going back to normal. It's a problem when people cant self moderate.

I just dont think its something he should be joking about with his brother - horrible to make fun at your partner's expense.

disloyalty is unfair too beef.

Actually sometimes I have a lifetime experience of people commenting on what you eat when you're thin, nearly always by women. It apparently makes you fair game for personal comments and having what you eat scrutinised. Where do you put it, God I didn't think you ate like that, you can't half put it away for someone skinny, that plateful weighs more than you, are you going to the loo to puke it back up haha etc. Ever say you aren't hungry and clearly you have an eating disorder.
Males however, generally tend to be very familiar with my eating habits to even notice, if they notice at all, and don't generally link it to my size unless they have a constantly dieting partner/ mum/ sister/ friend etc or another female points out the link. I've worked in male dominated environments and none have ever given me the impression they are sat thinking 'look at skinny lurked chowing down all that, but it's ok unlike that fat person over there'. They don't actually seem to care, appetite is just a stand alone observation and nothing more.
Women are usually far more concerned about fat or thin than men, and as a whole have far more self esteem tied up with size.
A man should understand when it's clearly explained his comments are hurtful, and maybe ops dh and bil are horrid people fully aware the comments upset op. But we don't know that just from what's been said.

Lurked, I wasn't talking about men in general, only the OPs dh. He's talking about what she ate because she has put on weight. If she was her at her usual weight I dont think he would he commenting on what she ate at that dinner, even if it was the same amount. Just seems like kicking her when she is down. I would expect better from my dh and be really hurt if he did that.

cactus I didnt say it was someone else's fault, only that lack of support and bitching behind her back will not help her.

Yanbu to feel the way you do Yabu to blame your DH, it was a private conversation the only reason it upset you is because you went out of your way to invade his privacy.
It also doesn't really seem like an insult on your DH part.

But we don't know he's definitely relating the two like that sometimes from one text

Was it true OP? How much did you eat at the meal? Noticeably more than everyone else? 3 courses plus extras? Did it hit a nerve?
Absolutely not excusing their tactless text conversation - but often men can be blunt/to the point on matters that women would maybe have phrased a little better.

Well, OP says he hasn't brought it up with her at all and that it isn't the first time he's joined forces with his brother to wind her up.

Personally I think it would be more sensitive to talk to her rather than snipe with his brother.

I think there is a lot of fat shaming here, like fat women aren't entitled to the same level of respect and care from their partner (and others) because they've committed the cardinal sin of eating too much.

I'm now 15 stone for those wondering just how fat I am.
At the meal out I had exactly what everyone else had except I didnt drink at all or go outside between courses to smoke cigars: as db would have done . We rarely go out for meals and honestly ordering a salad with no dressing would have been not the done thing.
Yes I have eaten too much and yes I have put on a lot of weight suddenly I have had an awful six months and deliberately binged Yes I am addressing that now. My dh has NEVER mentioned any concern or even seemed to notice my weight gain. I wish I had changed this slightly to avoid the fat issue. Choose a ' fault ' in my character and imagine him texting about that instead. ...maybe my lack of assertiveness.

What Sometimes said, in spades. Lots of fat shaming. And those who are saying the text convo was ok, not disrespectful, are you not reading the same thing as me? Very nasty, and entirely different to a concerned conversation about the OP's weight.

Her 'D'H and his brother were taking the mickey out of what the OP had to eat, which does not sound like a blow out meal as an occasional treat. That is disrespectful, disloyal, snide and IMHO fat shaming.

I'm sorry but if I share your bodily fluids then I expect to be able to share your phone and email

Alrighty then