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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Entirely my own fault but AIBU to be upset?

99 replies

ChunkyStory · 29/07/2015 21:08

I looked at the texts on my dh phone and found one from his brother which made a snide remark:
DB: I bet Chunkystory had five courses at the meal
DH: Close, she had three plus the coffee and chocolate.
It was an aside in a text conversation about going to a football match and then a meal out.
I have recently put on A LOT of weight (three stone). I have always had food issues and I am very overweight. It's my own doing and is a result of loving food and not exercise, however I think it's fair to say that I am practically enslaved to our family with no time for me to pursue my own interests/exercise. Ironically, today is the beginning of trying to get hold of myself and make changes and then I found this.
The most upsetting thing is that my dh effectively 'joined in'. He could have ignored it but he didn't. I know I am being unreasonable for snooping but he is always on his phone and very uncommunicative so I took a chance to check.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2015 21:58

Magic why shouldn't the OP feel guilty for going behind her DH's back, just because your DH knows you snoop?

If he knows then you obviously have his permission.

DaftVader36 · 29/07/2015 22:05

I thought Dione's response was brill. Hope you can harness those thoughts OP, and use it to find your happy (Gilmore) place. Whether that is being comfortable with your extra weight, or working out how you can get some time for yourself to deal with weight gain you're not happy with.

Best outcome would be that you can use this as a motivator for either action or acceptance. (Waves pom poems and hopes you opt for action, but would wave Pom poms either way).

Soory, I'm a bit sloshed. ????

MagicMojito · 29/07/2015 22:08

Worra because I don't think its on for people to be mean about the people they are supposed to love, because they think they're doing it in private

Sazzle41 · 29/07/2015 22:10

So they make disparaging comments both to your face and behind your back. They sound vile. I'd feel hurt and ganged up on. But if you know what they are like its probably not that much of a surprise. I probably wouldnt want his brother around much if they are like that when together tho to be frank. I'd start really limiting my contact with someone so negative and toxic, relative or not: you dont need that in your life.

Your DP should be supporting you not putting you down and its great that you realise that your health etc will only benefit if you do something about the weight. Thats half the battle. Tell him he is looking after the kids twice a week while you swim or do a gym session and find a friend to go with as that makes it more social and enjoyable too.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 29/07/2015 22:11

Evesdroppers and text snoopers rarely hear or see anything good!

Another one who thought Dione's response was very good.

But why are you enslaved to your family. Take control and take some time back for yourself. You can do it!

BlinkAndMiss · 29/07/2015 22:12

Of course you shouldn't have snooped, and of course your DH should be able to talk to his brother about things - if your weight gain has affected your relationship then he might need to talk about it. However, that text was mocking, it wasn't a text implying that he has approached the subject with his brother out of concern. They were mocking the amount that the OP eats - it's absolutely out of order. It's disgusting and disloyal, you need to tell him exactly what you think of him and his behaviour.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 29/07/2015 22:13

There are no circumstances under which it is acceptable for a husband to collude with another person in being spiteful about his own wife.

The OP has every right to feel upset with her husband - he has absolutely no fucking loyalty or sensitivity. No one should be actively unkind to their spouse.

I agree with the poster who said that if you snoop and you find something, it cancels out the 'bad' of the looking!

I would also make him responsible for childcare and a fuck tonne of other responsibilities, so you can concentrate on yourself and getting yourself in a good place physically and emotionally.

Once you've done this, you might want to think about your future and whether you want to spend it with someone who doesn't have your back.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2015 22:16

I agree with that Magic but I think the snooping is a separate issue.

Otherwise it's like saying it's ok to invade someone's privacy, as long as you find something bad to justify it.

Of course it's not ok.

Original poster

ChunkyStory · 29/07/2015 22:20

Thanks for your responses. Magic mojito your italicised word 'supposed' hit very hard (not your fault) you're absolutely right. I asked him afew months ago why he never asked after me and how bad it made me feel, it was like saying "please ask me how I am and please try to care for me". I think you're right. He is supposed to care but perhaps he doesn't.

OP posts:

lemoncordial · 29/07/2015 22:23

Yanbu. The issue is not then you looked at his phone. The issue is that he has been disrespectful and unsupportive. He's your dh and he should be on your side. I've put weight since having dd but he has never made me feel bad about it.

Fatmomma99 · 29/07/2015 22:24

It sounds like there's lots of other stuff going on here.

And this thing about phones is interesting. People have them with them all the time, and are texting etc (I don't know what other things people do on their phones because mine is ancient, but twit and fb and other things I don't really know about), and do it on buses, at meetings, during meals, etc etc.

But everyone's is private. It's an odd thing, don't you think, that we all carry with us something personal, and yet it's out and on display all the time.

So very horrid if this message took place where you were there sitting next to him.

MagicMojito · 29/07/2015 22:25

Sorry but I disagree worra The snooper only looks bad when they they find something incriminating from the snooppee. If there was nothing to find out, there would be no issue, because nobody would be none the wiser iyswim?

MagicMojito · 29/07/2015 22:27

OP so sorry you feel like that, I've been there and its shit.

You really are worth more.

WorraLiberty · 29/07/2015 22:32

I see what you mean Magic but people being none the wiser, still leaves the issue of the person they trust, going through their private conversations and invading their privacy, no matter what they find.

But maybe I'm being a hypocrite because both me and my DH share our phones anyway, so there would be no such thing as snooping.

In the OP's position, I might have been tempted to do it. I don't know.

Original poster

ChunkyStory · 29/07/2015 22:42

I know the snooping aspect was wrong. I know it highlighted something that is factually wrong with me. It also reminded me that my dh isn't as willing to stand by my side or is embarrassed by me.
There are other issues (think a poster above alluded to this) but I wanted to keep them separate.
It feels like the final straw.

OP posts:

MoiraBrown101 · 29/07/2015 22:46

What a pair of fucking twats!

Sometimesjustonesecond · 29/07/2015 22:46

Alright, so she has invaded his privacy by looking through his phone, but he has been really disloyal and unkind.

In terms of marital wrongdoing, his is the greater sin.

maggieryan · 29/07/2015 22:51

Little shit. Him and his brother!! I'd kill him if that was me(but then I'd have to admit I was snooping)

Lelania · 29/07/2015 22:57

I actually think it's more worrying that his boyfriend thought it was ok to say that to him. Like it's an ongoing joke between them. How nasty.

scarlets · 29/07/2015 23:09

Maybe he's genuinely concerned about your health and has confided in his brother. In other words, it's not a jokey, sneery question from your BiL, but a concerned one, perhaps because your DH mentioned that you were going to be going to a restaurant and potentially overeating.

I'm trying to make excuses for them, aren't I.....

Definitely get an exercise plan sorted out, with DH support. Tell him it's not optional.

Lurkedforever1 · 30/07/2015 00:12

Yanbu. But do you think it's possible he's not mentally relating your eating habits and your weight gain? My pefectly lovely ex used to frequently comment in amazement at what I ate, and I know also joke with friends and family about the quantity. And do nothing but praise my appearance and boost my self esteem. I don't think the fact I'm naturally thin even factored into his male thinking on whether it was therefore ok, I'd honestly say it didn't link that way in his head, and my size and appetite were unrelated when he joked about the latter. And I know if I'd ever actually said or hinted I found his comments upsetting, he would have stopped. I had to explain to him why commenting on his larger cousin with the same habits as me wasn't ok.

Perhaps your dh too is just spectacularly dumb in not realising you are sensitive on the subject because of your weight. It's quite possible if he loves you he doesn't actually care whether you're fat or thin.

youareallbonkers · 30/07/2015 07:46

Enslaved with no time? Rubbish, that's an excuse. You have enough time to eat, you have enough time to excercise IF you want to. If you are happy then ignore him but be aware he probably isnt

WayneRooneysHair · 30/07/2015 07:57

Only be prepared to snoop if you are willing to see things that you don't like.

I can see why you are upset OP but three stone is not a minor blip, if you are unhappy then maybe your DH is too but he doesn't feel comfortable raising it with you?

Duckdeamon · 30/07/2015 08:25

What do you mean your "enslaved" to the family? Does your H not do his fair share of things? If not, addressing that should be a priority.

Does he love you and treat you well?

Blu · 30/07/2015 08:36

It's interesting. I can imagine a text exchange after a meal out with my sister going 'I bet MrBlu had a whole bottle of wine, LOL' and my replying 'close! He had 3 glasses and a brandy' and there will be nothing to take offence at. And yet...

OP, you acknowledge you love food , they acknowledge you love food, and I think you are doing well in looking deeper into this.

I would say Oi, I picked up your phone because it was ringing and saw your text. I really enjoyed that meal, but I'm wondering what you are thinking. Can we talk about it? ' and then be direct and clear .

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